Seek Me With All Your Heart

by Beth Wiseman

  Emily wasn’t sure whether to knock again and maybe offer her help, or mind her own business and head back down the stairs. While she was debating, the door opened.

  Lillian gave her a small smile. “Hi, Emily.” Though she didn’t look like she’d been crying, she wasn’t her normal bubbly self either. “Come on in.”

  She opened the screen door, then pushed the front door wide. “You know Katie Ann, right?”

  Emily nodded and knew right away that she’d come at a bad time. It was obvious that Katie Ann had rubbed her eyes raw in an effort to clear the tears. “Hello, Katie Ann.” She turned to Lillian. “I can come back another time. I—I just wanted to talk to you.”

  Katie Ann stood up from where she was sitting on the couch. “No, I was just leaving.”

  Lillian walked over and hugged her sister-in-law, then whispered something in her ear. When Katie Ann eased away, Emily could see the tears building in her eyes. “I love you too,” she heard Katie Ann say.

  After Katie Ann closed the door behind her, Emily took a deep breath. “I’m sorry, Lillian. It looks like I came at a bad time.”

  Lillian waved off the comment. “Katie Ann will be okay. She is stronger than she thinks, and the love of family will get her through this.” Lillian scowled. “But I’m so upset with Ivan, I’d like to just kick him in both his shins.” She paused and let out a breath. “I was about to start supper. Do you mind if we talk in the kitchen?”

  “Lillian, this is a bad time. We can talk another day.”

  “Nonsense. All I’m going to do is thaw some soup on the stove, so once I get it out of the freezer and warming in the pot, I’m all ears. Samuel is bathing, and Anna and Elizabeth are busy upstairs playing. I had just checked on them before you arrived. Come on.”

  Emily followed Lillian into the kitchen. “Can I do anything to help?”

  “Nope. Just have a seat at the table, and I’m going to make my family think I worked all day on this.” Lillian giggled as she pulled a plastic container from the freezer, then retrieved a pot from one of the blue cabinets that lined the kitchen. “Don’t you love these cabinets? A successful day is when one of them doesn’t fall off the hinges.” She turned to Emily and grinned. “So what do you need to talk to me about?” Lillian ran warm water over the container until the contents started to loosen, and Emily began to question why she was even here—how she was going to get past her own embarrassment to find out if Lillian had said anything to David about what happened to her.

  Emily opened her mouth to speak, but just blew out a heavy sigh.

  Lillian turned her head and looked at her for moment, then turned to the stove and lit the burner under her soup. A moment later she took a seat across from Emily and asked, “What’s bothering you, Emily?”

  “I want to ask you something, but I don’t know how.” She hung her head and avoided Lillian’s eyes.

  Lillian reached over and put her hand on top of Emily’s, which were folded on the table. “Honey, not much shocks me. Remember, I was Englisch many years ago. Has something happened? I know you’re in your rumschpringe.”

  “No, no. It’s nothing like that. I’ve already made up my mind to be baptized in the spring.”

  Lillian raised her brows and waited.

  Emily pulled her hands out from under Lillian’s, rested her elbows on the table, then cupped her face with her hands. She took a few deep breaths, then folded her hands on the table again. “Mamm said she told you about—about what happened to me.” She kept her head down.

  Once again, Lillian put a hand over Emily’s. “Ya. And I am so sorry, Emily. My heart breaks for you.”

  “I never should have lied to my parents.” She shook her head as she spoke. “I should have just gone to my onkel’s party and never gone out with James.”

  Lillian pulled back her hand and sat up taller. “James? You knew your attacker? I got the impression from your mother that you didn’t know who assaulted you.”

  Emily’s heart began to thud against her chest. She’d made a horrible mistake. “Oh no.” She blinked back tears. “I shouldn’t have said that. Oh no.” She shook her head. “Mamm doesn’t know that I know. Please don’t tell, Lillian. Please don’t tell. That’s not what I came here to talk to you about. Are you going to tell? I don’t want anyone to know.” Emily knew she was rambling. She finally locked eyes with Lillian.

  “Honey, this James person deserves to be punished. Do you want him doing this to someone else?”

  Emily shook her head.

  “Someone who can dish out that kind of abuse will do it again and again.” Lillian paused. “I know about this firsthand, Emily. Before I was married to Samuel, before I found the Lord, I lived with a man who was . . . abusive.” She looked away for a moment, then back at Emily. “I’m not saying that he did anything as severe as what happened to you, but it was clear to me that he wasn’t going to change.”

  “Please don’t tell mei mamm that I know who did this. I’d snuck out of the house, and I was somewhere I shouldn’t have been. Maybe it was my fault that—”

  Lillian waved her finger in front of Emily’s face. “No. Don’t say that. It was not your fault. As women, we have the right to say no at any time, and I’m sure this Englisch boy was probably a smooth talker, and you are in your rumschpringe, and—”

  “He wasn’t Englisch.” Emily looked away as shame overtook her.

  “What?” Lillian tapped the table with her hand a couple of times until Emily looked at her. “Are you telling me the person who raped you is Amish? Was it someone in your community?”

  Emily nodded.

  Lillian spouted out a word Emily had never heard before, an Englisch word Emily suspected the bishop wouldn’t approve of. “Sorry. I should know better than to say that. I’m just shocked.”

  “See? It would have been an upset for everyone if I’d told.”

  Lillian pointed a finger at Emily again. “Emily, there are good seeds and bad seeds in every walk of life. Even Amish. You need to prosecute that boy.” She sucked in a breath.

  “Lillian . . .” Emily cringed. “Can we please forget I mentioned this? It’s not even what I came to talk to you about. It just slipped out, about James. There was something else I wanted to talk to you about.”

  Lillian covered her face with her hands, shook her head, and made an odd groaning sound. When she looked up, she frowned. “You are putting me in a very bad predicament with your mother. Over the past few weeks, we’ve become close. ing it from her. I’m going to pray, Emily, that you will do the right thing and have this boy face his punishment for what he did to you. Maybe, just maybe, he will get some help, and this won’t happen to someone else.” Lillian jumped up when her soup started to sizzle in the pot. She stirred it, then adjusted the fire underneath it.Gut friends. I don’t like knowing this information and keep

  When she sat back down, her eyes met Emily’s. “Just think about it, Emily.” They sat quietly for a moment. “So, what did you want to talk to me about?”

  “I guess it’s kind of about this same thing.” Emily bit her bottom lip. “Did you tell David about what happened to me?”

  “No. I didn’t. Why?”

  “We—we’ve gotten close. I mean, as friends and all, and I was just wondering . . .”

  Lillian smiled. “He talks about you all the time. He doesn’t realize it, but he does. I think he has fallen for you over the past few weeks.”

  Emily’s heart skipped a beat. “I like him a lot too.”

  “I think the two of you make a darling couple. I really do.

  David is a gut person, a wonderful person. I’m blessed to be his stepmother.”

  “Oh no. We’re not a couple.” Emily shook her head, then shrugged. “I don’t think I’m worthy to be a fraa, after what happened and all.”

  “Oh, that’s rubbish.” Lillian slammed a hand down on the table. “Don’t you think like that, Emily Detweiler.”

  “That’s what Mamm said.” Emily fel
t comforted knowing that Lillian agreed with her mother. “But then . . .”

  “What is it, Emily?”

  “Every time David and I start to get closer, as more than just friends, he pulls away. He’s kissed me a couple of times, and . . .”

  Lillian gasped as a smile filled her face. “Really! That’s great, Emily. David didn’t really date when we were in Lancaster County. We always wondered why, but maybe he was just waiting for the right girl.” She winked at Emily.

  “But, Lillian, David has made it very clear to me that he doesn’t want anything more than friendship. In the beginning, that’s all I wanted, and all I felt I deserved. But things started to change, and I began to hope for more.”

  “Of course you would hope for more.” Lillian grinned. “David is a great guy.”

  “Then I wonder why he keeps pushing me away if you didn’t tell him about what happened to me. I thought maybe he was attracted to me and liked me, but then he didn’t want to get too close to me because I am not fit for marriage, which I completely understand.”

  Lillian leaned toward Emily and spoke in a low, soft voice. “Emily. You have got to stop thinking like that. You are perfectly fit for marriage. So stop those thoughts. Now as for David . . .” She leaned back against her chair. “First of all, he is not the kind of person who would think like that. David loves deeply and he doesn’t judge. As for him getting close to you, then pushing you away . . . well, that is confusing.” Lillian tapped her finger to her chin. “But I’m gonna find out why.”

  “Lillian, no. Maybe you better not say anything.”

  Lillian arched her brows high. “Look here, missy. I can only keep so many secrets for you. I won’t tell your mother that you know your attacker, because I’m going to trust that you will do the right thing. However, David’s standoffish behavior bothers me. Of course his father and I want him to marry and have a family of his own. If something is bothering him, I want to know.”

  “I understand. But he’ll know we talked.”

  “Might as well find out what’s going on in that boy’s head.” Lillian got up and stirred her soup again.

  Emily felt sick to her stomach. This entire visit had been one big mistake. First, she’d blurted out about James, and even though Lillian’s advice made sense, she didn’t see how she’d ever face that situation. And now David would think she’s a whiny schoolgirl, crying to his stepmother and asking why he doesn’t like her.

  “Emily, I can see the wheels in your head spinning at full speed. Don’t worry, okay?”

  Emily nodded, but she was consumed with worry.

  DAVID WAITED UNTIL the buggy pulled out of his driveway. He strained to see who it was. Emily? It was dark, but as she passed by him, it sure looked like her.

  He hurried to stable his horse and get into the house. “Was that Emily?”

  “Ya.” Lillian pointed upstairs. “When you go wash up, can you round up Anna and Elizabeth . . . and your father? He should be through bathing. I told him he was too filthy to sit down to supper without a bath first.” Lillian smiled as she carried a pot to the middle of the table. “He’s working very hard to make this a nice home for us. He spent all day outside making repairs to the haus.”

  “What was Emily doing here?”

  “She came to talk to me.”

  David stood still in the kitchen and waited for more, but Lillian just swooshed her hand in his direction. “Go, go. Wash up and bring the crew down with you before this soup gets cold.”

  David frowned, but he did as she asked.

  After supper, his father retired to the den to read the Bible to the girls, and David did the unexpected. He helped Lillian clean up in the kitchen.

  “So, what did Emily want?” He started to clear the plates from the table.

  “I figured there was some reason you were helping me in the kitchen.” Lillian turned to face him, a grin on her face as she filled the sink with soapy water.

  “Was it anything about—about me?”

  “As a matter of fact, it was.”

  David placed a stack of plates on the counter beside Lillian.

  “Are you going to make me beg?”

  Lillian tapped a finger to her chin. “Hmm . . . maybe.” She lifted the plates and put them in the water. “I’ll wash. You dry.”

  David grabbed a rag from the drawer. “Deal.”

  “Seems the two of you are really gut friends.”

  “Ya. I guess so.”

  “You talk about her a lot too.”

  David reached for a plate in the drain. “No, I don’t.”

  “Ach, but you do.” Lillian turned to him and smiled. “I like Emily a lot. If you are dating her, or wanted to date her, your father and I would be thrilled about that. We’ve become close with their family since we moved here, mostly Vera and me, but your father seems to like Elam, too, even though he’s only been around him a few times.” Lillian paused, handed him a plate. “And Anna and Elizabeth love playing with Betsy.”

  “We’re not dating.” David was getting irritated that Emily would talk to Lillian about them.

  “Why? She’s lovely, and she really seems to like you. A lot.”

  His irritation eased up. “Really? What did she say?”

  Lillian shrugged. “Not that much, really. Just that the two of you are friends. But . . .” Lillian grinned. “She said that you’ve kissed her. More than once.”

  David could feel his face reddening with a combination of embarrassment and mild anger.

  “Oh, don’t be mad that she told me. She’s just confused. Emily said that every time the two of you start to get close, you pull back. And David, you did the same thing in Lancaster County every time a girl showed interest in you.” Lillian lifted her shoulders, dropped them slowly. “I can’t help but be curious why.”

  “If Emily wants to know how I feel, maybe she should just ask me, and not run to my stepmother.”

  “David, don’t be mad. If I was Emily, I would be confused too. If you are attracted to her, kissing her, spending time with her, then why don’t you want to move forward?”

  David stowed a dry plate in the cabinet, set the dish towel down, and put his hands on his hips. “I can’t believe you have to ask me that.”

  Lillian frowned. “What are you talking about?”

  “You, of all people, should know why I don’t plan on getting close to any woman. Actually, mei daed would have a better understanding about this.”

  “I’m lost.” Lillian turned toward the den. “Samuel! Can you come in here, please?”

  “Lillian, I really don’t want to talk about this now.”

  His father walked into the kitchen. “How many people does it take to clean this kitchen?” He smiled, but his smile faded when he saw the scowl on David’s face. “What’s going on?”

  “David seems to think that we, or mostly you, should know why he doesn’t want to get close to a woman. Do you want to enlighten me?” Lillian went back to scrubbing another plate.

  David’s father shrugged. “Maybe he hasn’t found the right one.” He paused. “Is this about the Detweiler girl? The two of you sure have been spending a lot of time together.”

  “Just because we spend time together and we’re friends, that doesn’t mean that I have to date her. I have no interest in dating her!” David walked away from his dish-drying duties and stared out the window into the darkness. “I don’t even know why we’re talking about this.”

  “You said your father would understand.” Lillian turned off the water and turned around about the same time David did.

  David took a step closer to his father and Lillian. “I remember real well how upset Daed was when Mamm died. I didn’t think he would ever get over it.” He saw Lillian look down. “But then he was blessed to find you, Lillian.” Lillian looked back up at him and smiled slightly. “Why, knowing what I know, would I ever marry someone, possibly even have kinner, only to leave them in a few years?”

  Lillian stepped forwar
d, her eyes clouded with confusion. “Why would you leave them? If you’re talking about Ivan, David, you are nothing like your onkel. We know you would never do anything like that.”

  David shook his head in frustration. “I’m not talking about Ivan!” He cut his eyes back and forth between his father and Lillian. “I heard you talking five years ago. I heard you say that I’ll be doing gut to live five or ten years.”

  “What?” Lillian glanced at Samuel.

  David rolled his eyes and huffed. “Don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about. After I had my kidney transplant, I overheard you and Daed talking. You were crying and said I’d only be twenty-five in ten years when my kidney could give out. Why would I marry someone, father kinner, then drop dead and leave them all to fend for themselves? I wouldn’t do that to anyone. I saw you, Daed!” David faced off with his father. “You were destroyed when Mamm died. I’m never doing that to anyone! Especially Emily, because I think she has been hurt enough.”

  Lillian touched his arm. “David, you need to listen to us. Whatever you heard, you misunderstood.”

  David jerked away from her. “No. I don’t think so. You said that my kidney might only last five to ten years, and then you started crying and said I’d only be twenty-five in ten years. I heard you, Lillian.”

  “You watch the way you speak to Lillian, David.” His father stepped forward. “You watch your tone. I will explain this to you.”

  David stood there, looking at the floor and shaking his head.

  “What you heard was that a kidney can last only five to ten years. Sometimes they fail. But even if that happens, you can have another transplant. And sometimes a kidney can last for much longer than that. You haven’t been handed a death sentence, David, but a gift . . . a chance to live a full life. You’ve never had any problem with the kidney Uncle Noah gave you. Every time you go to the doctor for a checkup, he’s impressed with how well you are doing.”