by Ashley Beale
"When we were at the hospital, Pierce was comforting me but all I wanted was you, Avery. I pushed him away, I screamed and yelled and made him leave. We haven't talked since, not until the other day. When I saw him at your fight, I just felt bad, I needed to say sorry. I tried a few times through text and calling him, but he wouldn't answer me. I needed him to know how sorry I was."
"You do a lot of apologizing Cassie. We all make mistakes, I know this first hand, but shouldn't that wake you up. Shouldn't you see that you shouldn't be apologizing nearly this much. Make up your mind Cassie. You can't have us both."
"I want you Avery. I love you and I need you." I start crying again, unable to stop.
He reaches over and places his hand on my leg. "Stop crying, you need to concentrate on driving. We'll talk about this later. I just need some time, okay?" I can feel the loneliness in his weak voice.
I nod my head, praying he is being honest with me, that he'll really just give us time. We can work this out, we can make it through this. Whatever this is.
Chapter Eight
The next several days I spend either at school or locked in the apartment with ice cream and wine. Sometimes I sit for hours and read until I'm in tears, not able to take another page, other times I sit on my ass and watch episode after episode on Netflix, clearing my queue.
The day I know that Aubrey is getting home, I catch up on the pile of dishes and laundry, and do a little cleaning around the place. After that, I decide it's time to go grab some food at the grocery store, since I'm out of my supply of junk food.
While shopping, I turn the corner into the candy isle, where my mouth is salivating just at the thought of fruit flavored snacks. When I toss the third bulk bag into my cart, two girls start laughing from behind me. I recognize the laugh immediately and turn to see Madison and Katie. They're not laughing at me, they're laughing at something on Madison's phone, which relieves me. I don't want them to see me, so I start pushing the cart before turning to face forward again, then there is a thump. I'm just seconds too late as a tall display comes tumbling down on the ground, making a massive mess and loud noise.
I freeze and just watch the disaster crumble around me. I slowly back away as Madison comes up and spots me. "Cassie, is that you?" I'm so very thankful I changed into normal clothing attire and showered this morning. One less thing to be embarrassed about.
I face her and give her a tight smile. "Hi Madison."
Katie stands next to her, cackling with laughter. "Ohmigod, did you do this?" She points to the mess surrounding my cart. Just then a voice comes over the intercom announcing a clean-up is needed in isle six.
I sigh and nod my head. "Yeah, I uh, didn't see it."
Of course she laughs a little more but Madison gives me a sad smile, like she knows the embarrassment I feel. The situation quickly gets even more awkward, so I back my cart up and look to Madison again, avoiding contact with Katie as much as possible. "Good seeing you." Employees are already cleaning the mess up, so I start walking away. She says bye back to me.
Near the end of the isle, I hear more laughter, this time from a male. Or two of them. Austin and Avery come around the corner and pause when they spot me. Austin looks down the aisle to where his girlfriend and Katie are. Are the four of them here together?
I can feel my face pale and my stomach starts to curdle at the thought. Avery's eyes close while he takes in a deep breath.
"Uh, hi," I say shyly before moving the cart to go around them. As much as I'd love to stand here and talk to Avery, I don't want to around Austin or the girls. I'm not sure how'd it'd end, but I would guess somewhere between me pleading and crying, and Avery telling me he is now with Katie. Ugh, I cringe at the thought.
I make it into isle five, where I can load up on more chips and soda, without a word or glance from Avery. I throw in three of my favorite flavors then feel the air surrounding me thicken. I know without looking Avery is either watching me or walking towards me. I don't turn around, as much as I want to, I just keep going, forcing my feet to glide a little faster.
I reach down to grab a twelve pack of my favorite diet soda when his hand gets to it first. I back away and allow him to place it in my cart. He gives me a sad smile while his eyes roam my face, memorizing it. I do the same, thinking that he doesn't look at all effected by what happened. He doesn't look heart broken, lonely, lost, miserable, nothing. He looks perfect, as usual. It makes me both happy and miserable. I want to know how he can be so happy- hoping it's not a girl.
"How are you?" he asks softly.
I laugh dryly at his question. "Wonderful, Avery, just wonderful." My voice is full of sarcasm and hurt. He gives me a questioning look, bunching his brows together.
Instead of asking me why- since he already knows- he skips it and continues the useless small talk. But if that is all he'll give me, I'm more than willing to accept it. "What have you been doing this week?"
His eyes look down at our feet, unable to look at me any longer.
"Getting fat, watching TV, reading."
I can see half his face lifting into a sideways smile. It's one of my favorite things he does. I've missed that look. If only he'd actually look at me so I can get a better picture. He doesn't though, not until after his smile is gone at least. When he does look at me, he looks sad. For me? Or for him? For us, and what we used to be? What we'll never be again.
"You're not getting fat, stop it."
It takes a lot of effort not to roll my eyes. I take the conversation off me and ask him something I'm not sure I want the answer to. "Are you dating Katie now?"
His eyes widen in a shocked-and-humored expression. "Hell no, that girl is crazy." He laughs and shakes his head, clearly amused at my thought. I can't help the exhale of relief, so very thankful of his answer. It doesn't mean they haven't gotten 'close' at all.
He notices the stress of that question melting away and runs the back of his fingers down my cheek. "You're the only girl for me Angel, but not right now, okay?"
I nod, accepting that it's possible we'll be together again. Someday is better than never.
"I'm fighting Spike again soon. I don't know when yet, it'll be a last minute fight, but I hope you'll be there. It's probably in the next day or two. I've been training extra hard and will be more prepared this time."
I swallow my fear and smile that he asked me to come. "Of course I'll be there Avery, I wouldn't miss it. Make sure you call me when you know."
He grins again, not a large one but enough of one that causes me to smile back. It's the first smile in over a week. It feels so nice. "I'll see you later."
I probably shouldn't but I hug him to me for a quick minute. His arms don't wrap around me and I'm disappointed in that, but I understand it. When I back away, I look up to him and see his eyes are closed again. He is hurting more than he is letting on. I envy him for being able to disguise it so well, but my heart hurts for him, knowing how much he does hurt. How much pain I've caused.
In that moment, I realize one thing I've known but haven't put much thought in to. I hurt Avery, a lot. We hurt each other. We're meant to be but we're not necessarily good together. I've known that for quite some time. My realization though, is that if I don't want to hurt Avery anymore- and I don't- that I should let him go. I should let him live his life without me. I'd do anything to make him happy, especially after all the pain I've already caused, and separating myself from him completely will be the best way to keep him from hurting.
I don't say it out loud, but I make a promise to myself, that no matter what, Avery and I will never be together again. It hurts more than I thought it would, in fact, I swear my heart is beating irregularly, causing a great deal of pain to my chest. I don't let tears even form in my eyes, not wanting Avery to notice anything new about me.
"Bye Avery," I say instead of speaking my thoughts out loud.
He opens his eyes and his smile is soft but it's there. He walks down the aisle, his head down. My pain is almost intole
rable but I manage to move my feet as well, continuing my stroll through the grocery store. When I leave, I'm thanking the Gods that I didn't have another run in with any of them.
Aubrey comes home pretty late that night, later than she had planned. When she walks in the door, her face is a little pale with pink cheeks. I ignore it for a moment while I envelope her in my arms. Her belly makes it difficult for me to hold her too tight.
When I separate us she tilts her head with a smile. "You alright?"
"Uh, we'll get to me later. I just miss you. How are you? How does it feel to be engaged? Are you tired? How was your flight?"
She giggles and walks past me until she is in the living room. "Calm down sugar, one question at a time."
I sit down too and stare at her. "Did you just call me sugar?"
She starts laughing harder. "Wow, did I?"
"Uh, yeah."
"Oops," she shrugs, "Mason's mom calls me that. I didn't mean to pick up the habit. It's a little weird."
"Yeah, weird alright." I smile at her.
"Oh, stop it." With a roll of her eyes, she starts answering my questions. "Being engaged feels... different. Oddly enough, I feel more connected to Mason. It's exactly what we needed in our relationship. As for the rest of your questions, I’m happy and content, a little tired but not too bad, and my flight was, well, teasing." She presses her lips together as a small blush creeps up her cheeks.
I stare her, waiting for her to elaborate. She sighs once she realizes I won't let her get away with her short attempt of an answer. "I happened to mention that I've never joined the mile high club and Mason attempted to bring me into the bathroom. I was scared of doing that on the plane, knowing everyone would see us either enter or leave the bathroom together. Of course they'd know what I was doing. So Mason decided to tease me and half please me on the plane. By the time I got off the plane, well, I was pretty much done for. Between my hormones and his foreplay, I had to squeeze my legs together."
"Is that why your face was paled when you came in? You're all hot and bothered?" I laugh slightly, while wondering why she didn't have a quickie in the car.
Then she answers my thought as well as my questions. "We went at it four times between the airport and here. I made him pull over three times, then once in the driveway." She sticks her tongue out at me before blushing. She'll talk about my sex life with me, but not typically her own. She tells me everything about her relationship outside the bedroom. I've always wondered why but I can see she's just embarrassed by it. It's quite endearing.
There is a silence that takes over and her expression becomes a little more serious. "I already know what happened- I wanted to call you but Mason pleaded with me not to."
I repeat her words in my head twice before I respond. "You know about Avery and me?"
"And Pierce," she states. Her eyes narrow at me. She is disappointed with me. I don't blame her, I'm disappointed in me as well.
I nod my head, chewing on my lip.
Why didn't she call me? Why didn't Mason let her, and why didn't she argue?
Answering my unspoken question, she says, "We have a lot to talk about tonight. He knew I'd spend all day and night on the phone with you. You have a lot of explaining to do, a lot of venting, and a lot of questions, this I know. I also have a lot to tell you. So, this is the plan. Ice cream, lots of it, and after we're done talking, we'll relax to a good romantic comedy. Deal?"
"You forgot one thing." After she thinks about it for a second, I smile. "Our sweats."
"Oh, right, absolutely!"
After changing into our sweats, we piled the floor with pillows and blankets, got a heaping bowl of ice cream ice, and settled on the floor. I leaned against our love seat while she leaned against our couch, that way we could see one another as we spoke.
"You first," I tell her.
She eats a large bite and pretends to have a food-gasm before she speaks. We both laugh, then she turns serious in a snap of the fingers. She fiddles a bit with her spoon while she talks, not looking at me. "Don't be mad at me, okay?"
"Those aren't the best words to start a sentence in."
She looks back at me and half smirks. "We eloped."
I drop my spoon from my mouth and lands in my ice cream and a clink. "Excuse me?"
"Yeah, we wanted to be married before the baby, and we'd rather spend our money on him or her instead of ourselves, so we got married at the city hall. But before you get upset, I want you to know that we will renew our vows by next year and have a reception and such. You'll still technically be my maid of honor, and it'll be similar to a real wedding, just not as costly. And we'll have this little one in it." She rubs her belly with a sweet smile on her face.
"Of course I'm not mad, not at all. Just shocked. A little upset I didn't know. But I'm really, truly happy for you Aubrey. So, so happy!"
She beams, excited by my approvel. "Thanks Cassie, you have no idea how happy I am. Mason explained everything about his ex and how she was helping. I honestly thought our relationship was over, that we were hanging on by a thread, I had no idea it was just the beginning of a new journey with the man I love."
Aubrey wipes at some tears and laughs at her unexpected heart felt speech. I continue eating my ice cream as she talks about everything they did in Texas. The last sentence she says has my heart breaking but I'm completely understanding by it. "And since we're married now," she swallows, "I'm going to move in with Mason by next weekend."
That explains why she is here with me now instead of off with her husband doing the newlywed thing.
"That's great Aubrey."
"Are you going to be okay?"
I smile at her, giving her some reassurance. "Of course I'll be fine. You won't be far, we'll still be friends. I'll just change your room into a yoga room slash nursery slash office area."
"You're a best friend slash weirdo." We both laugh and relish the moment, knowing we won’t have them as often since the baby will be born in less than two months.
"So tell me about what I've been missing out on, Cass. I just don't understand how you got yourself into this mess again?" Again, ugh. She is right, it's too continuous. I'm one big screw up.
"Well, of course everything with Avery was perfect, I love him so much, and I even thought about asking him to move in when you moved out- which I see now would have been a mistake. But you know how much I was beating myself up for not apologizing to Pierce." She nods her head, answering my statement. "Well, he went to Avery's fight."
"What? I didn't see him there! What was he doing there? That is just crazy."
I giggle softly at her outburst. "Yeah, I know, right?! Well, anyway, I spotted him in the back of the room, he was staring at me, not the fight. It was heartbreaking and all my guilt hit me full force. I decided since he wasn't accepting my phone calls and texts, and I hadn't tried in a while, I'd go to his office and do it in person. I was thinking where it was at his work, it was the safest place to do it."
Her eyebrows lift at my choice of words. I roll my eyes. "Not do it, I mean to apologize."
She grins before taking a bite of ice cream.
"Anyways. I told him I was sorry, explained why, he told me how much I hurt him, then he went on talking about all these girls he's been with. I'm not sure why, but I got jealous, and the way he was saying everything, how close he was getting to me, it made me nervous. Stupid me, told him I was nervous. That apparently excited him and he started teasing and tempting me." I shake my head, angry with myself for not stopping him. For not having that will power. "I let him. Then I gave into temptation."
A tear falls and I quickly wipe it away. Aubrey gives me a sad smile, understanding how I must be feeling, the amount of guilt, anger, remorse, and heart break I have. "When we uh, finished, he got dressed then told me to leave. When I walked out the door, he yelled out a you're forgiven, and that was that."
"Okay, so what’s this you going to a party and calling Avery Pierce and stuff?"
"Ughhh!"
I cover my face in my hands and scream into them softly, annoyed with myself more than I ever have been. "Yeah, about that. I was feeling guilty, and I didn't wanna ruin your vacation time, I didn't want to tell my mom or bother her, and I didn't want to be around Avery more than I needed, because I knew I was hurting him. Even if he didn't know it."
She nods her head, accepting what I'm saying. Then she scoots over and wraps an arm over my shoulder.
"Well, I called Amy from class and went to a party at the frat house with her. It was a great night, we had so much fun. Carson even walked me home and I was good. Apparently I was feeling guilty though about the Pierce thing and according to Avery, I called him and started apologizing profusely. I remember bits and pieces, but I thought it was a dream until he explained some things. We ended up having sex and I accidently called out Pierce's name during it. After him and I got into a screaming match, I called Pierce and yelled at him, then he comforted me until I passed out. I don't remember what he said, or even what I said, I just remember feeling content when I went to bed."
"Have you talked to Pierce since?"
I shake my head. "No, I'm a little too scared to."
She runs her hand through my hair, giving me comfort while processing everything I just told her.
"I think you should."
I turn to face her, surprised by what she said. "You what? Why?"
She turns her body until we're looking at one another. "I've told you this before Cassie. You need closure with people. Not sex, not just a ‘how you been’, you need a long conversation where you both figure out where you are. You may leave heart broken, but at least you'll know. You both, together, have to decide if you're friends, lovers, in a relationship, or if you're nothing at all."
"I know Aubrey, but it's hard."
"You've been so incredibly happy, but then you couldn't figure out what you and Pierce were, and you ruined everything you had. Probably with both guys. Figure shit out. I'm here for you, no matter what, if you want to vent, cry, need advice, or a wakeup call, I'm here. Okay?"