by Ashley Beale
"Good," he says, even though his expression is saying otherwise.
"No. Don't say shit like that. This is what makes it hard for us to work through things. We get pissed at one another and I go sleep with Pierce, you insult me and push me away with your words. Then we're right back here, yelling and arguing, getting angry at each other. Then what? We going to make up again? We going to be friends? Are we never going to see each other again? I don't like that! I hate it! I fucking hate it, Avery!"
I can't stop myself now, I start sobbing and I turn away and walk towards the bathroom. After grabbing some toilet paper, I sit on the closed lid of the toilet and blow my nose. Grabbing another piece, I wipe at my eyes. Avery comes and stands in the doorway, watching me as I cry into my hands. I'm not able to say much to him, so I don't bother saying anything at all.
After a few minutes, he takes some steps in and kneels down in front of me. His hands rest on my knees while he stares up at me. I pull my hands away from my face and look him in the eyes. They're still watering, which only makes me sadder.
"I don't know what to really say, Cassie."
"Me either."
He sighs softly and tries to give me a small smile. "I hate that we hurt each other so much."
I nod my head, agreeing with him.
"We can't be friends," he says. It's true, we can't. It hurts, a lot. "We can't be lovers either." I slowly nod my head, once again agreeing with him. "And we sure as hell can't be more."
"Then where does that leave us?" I whisper, not wanting to hear the answer. I already know it, and it hurts.
He answers my thoughts. "You already know, Cassie."
"I can't live without you somewhere in my life Avery. I just can't." Another sob leaves me and he pulls me into him, repeating it'll be okay in my ear. No, it won't be okay. I can't do it, I can't live without him in my life.
He whispers softly in my ear after I calm down. His warm breath tickling my ear but it doesn't send those typical shivers down my spine. "One day at a time, Angel, one day at a time."
My jaw is shaking with all the emotion running through me, so when I speak, it comes out with a little stutter. "I hate that you're leaving me."
His forehead rests against mine and his breath is just as shaky as mine. I know I deserve him to leave, and I know he knows that too, but it doesn't make it any easier. We're both suffering but can't seem to make it through this obstacle. It's one too many.
"I hate it too."
I can taste the mint from his breath when he speaks and it drives me wild. I have to turn my face away from him, knowing now isn't exactly the time to be thinking things like that. His hand pulls on my chin and I'm forced to face him again. His face looks so broken down that my heart feels like it's draining all its blood. It hurts, a lot, and I can't stop it. Nothing I can do will stop it, because nothing between Avery and I will be okay.
"I'll always love you," he whispers.
I know- I know this is a mistake, I know I'm going to hate myself for this, I know it's going to make everything harder between us, I know this is the worst thing I can do. I also know that this may be my last chance. I press my lips to his, hard, and I wrap my arms around his shoulders.
He freezes momentarily, then he grabs my hips and pulls me forward, kissing me back with just as much passion and force. His tongue slips into my mouth and I moan into his, adding my tongue as well.
Avery stands up and pulls me up with him, and I wrap my legs around his waist. He walks us until we're in his room, then he lays me down on the bed. We only separate long enough for him to get me naked, then his mouth is back on mine the same time he enters me. He doesn't do it soft at all, in fact, he uses more force than I'm used to. I'm loving it though, every single second of it, because I know after this, I may never experience Avery again.
His mouth leaves mine so he can kiss down my neck. He bites down when I dig my nails into him, and it causes me to yell out in both pain and pleasure. "Fuck," I breathe, "that is so amazing Avery."
When I say his name, he seems to get excited even more and thrusts harder into me. "Slow down," I breathe out.
He pauses and looks me in the face, completely confused. I'm breathless so it takes me a moment to tell him why. "I don't want you to fuck me, I want you to make love to me."
The green in his eyes darken as his pupils dilate at my words. I never thought that'd turn him on, but it does. He immediately starts pushing back in and out of me but he goes much slower this time. He stares at me, just an inch from my face, and we watch each other as we make love.
There is something very powerful over the way we stare into each other’s eyes. His hands stay placed on my cheeks while mine explore his body. I never want to forget what it feels like to touch him. I never want to stop making love to him.
His body starts shaking and his whispers, "come for me baby. I want to watch you come for me one last time."
As my body listens to him, a few tears fall down from my eyes. I yell out his name as my body arches into him, then he fills me up, repeating my name over and over. One hand is pressed to my face, as the other grabs onto some of my hair. When he stills from his release, he leans down and brushes his lips against mine. "I love you Cassie."
"I love you, so much, Avery."
He kisses me once more, then he pulls out from me. I nearly whimper when he is gone from inside me. I feel a lot lonelier than I thought I would. He gets dressed and walks out of the room, leaving me completely naked on his bed, unable to do anything.
After several minutes pass by, I sit up and pull my clothes on. I don't want to leave, not just yet, knowing I'll never have this with Avery again. It breaks my heart in so many pieces, I can hardly handle breathing. When I walk back out into the main part of the apartment, I see that Avery is gone. He left me, alone, after that. Reality sinks in all the more and I fall down onto the floor, as I start to hyperventilate.
Chapter Thirteen
I wake up in Avery's bed. Wait, how did I get here? I sit up and look around. The clock reads its six-oh-four in the morning. There is no one else in the bed. I don't remember getting in here. I don't remember falling asleep. The last thing I remember is breaking down after we had sex and I found him gone.
My phone is on the end table, so I pick it up. There is nothing from anyone. I have two hours before class starts and I need to get home and showered. I walk out of the room and Avery is passed out on the couch. I must have cried myself to sleep and he put me in his bed, then came out here.
My heart swells at the fact he'd let me sleep in his bed and not just throw me out, but it breaks all over again at the realization that he couldn't even stand to sleep in the same bed as me.
I leave a small note on the kitchen counter, saying Thanks & best of luck with everything. then I leave his apartment.
I didn't even ask him when he was leaving and for how long. I didn't ask him much at all last night. I may not have gotten all the answers I needed, but I did get enough. I got the closure I was seeking out, and even though it tears me apart, it's also gives me more of a comfort than I had before.
At school, the talk of Avery going back to the semi-professional fighting is all around campus. A lot of people are incredibly shocked, others not so much. I can't concentrate on much in school and when I can finally leave for the day, it's like a breath of fresh air.
Amy spots me out in the parking lot and waves me down. I try not to look disappointed but I just want to get the hell out of here. "Hey," she says when she makes her way towards me. "Done with classes for the day?"
I smile at her. "Yeah, I am. You?"
"No, I have one night class at five, but that means I have a few hours in between. You busy? I was thinking we could go grab something to eat. I'm starving." She rubs her belly as it growls then we both laugh. My mood instantly lightens.
"Yeah, that'd be nice. You driving?"
She laughs and looks at my car behind me. "If I'm driving that baby." I hand her the keys and she nea
rly gasps. "Wait, are you serious? I can drive this?"
"Be my guest, I hate driving."
Her eyes double in size and she claps her hands excited about the idea. I pray she doesn't crash it but I don't say as much as I make my way over to the passenger side. She slides into the driver seat and runs her hands over the steering wheel, in complete awe with my vehicle. "Please tell me you named her?"
I try not to but I can't help it when I giggle. "Uh, no."
"What?" She looks over at me, completely horrified. "A car like this needs a name. Hm, let me think." She taps her finger on her lips. "Randy."
"Uhhh," I just stare at her. "That is a guy’s name. If I'm naming my car, it's going to be a girl's name, sorry."
She winks at me. "I'm calling her Randy because that is what a car like this will make guys, especially when they see you climbing out."
This girl has me laughing pretty hard at that, and I agree that I'll call her Randy, even though it's completely ridiculous. She parks Randy at a sub shop and we both go inside and eat lunch with a small bag of chips, sipping on some soda. Having a lunch date with a friend that has nothing to do with Avery, Pierce, or all the confusion and heart break consuming my life is nice. I am hoping that we can become closer friends.
I love Aubrey, who will always be more of a sister than best friend, but with the baby due in just a handful of weeks, she's been busy, and it'll be even worse after. Shey and I talk often now and I have a few people in classes I talk to- but hang out with? I haven't hung out with many people since this whole fiasco started a year and half ago.
After lunch, Amy asks if we can take a long route back so she enjoy Randy a little longer. I tell her yes, and we end up riding along the coast with the windows down and the music blasting. She nearly pouts and whines when she parks it back at the campus. "Trust me," I tell her, "you can drive it again."
"Perfect! Thanks so much." When I reach the driver's side of the car she oddly enough gives me a large hug. "It was so good hanging out with you, we should do something this weekend."
I smile at that. "Yeah, I'd like to hang out."
She wiggles her fingers as she heads back towards the school's common area.
On the drive home, Pierce texts and asks if he can come over and hang out this evening after work. I tell him he can. I may as well, I have nothing else to do besides a Common Law report. I should be finished with that before he gets to my place anyways.
Aubrey calls me seconds after I get into the apartment to tell me about her OB appointment today. I sit and we talk for a while, and it's nice to catch up. It's sad not seeing her all the time. I know I have tons of people in my life but I still feel incredibly lonely. Looking at my life just three months ago, I was having the best time of my life. Now, I'm slowly falling into a really depressing time. Maybe I should take up running, or yoga, or something again. That always makes me feel better about myself. I just quit after a while.
When I hear a knock on the door, I let Aubrey go and open it up. Except, it isn't Pierce.
"Uh, hi."
"Can I come in?"
"Yeah, of course." I open the door wider and let Avery in.
He walks over and sits at a bar stool. My stomach erupts in butterflies at the thought that Pierce could walk through that door literally any moment. I can't even think about what would happen. But what am I supposed to do? I can't tell Avery to leave and I can't text Pierce and tell him to sit in the car until Avery leaves. Ugh, this sucks!
"What's up?" I ask casually.
He clears his throat and looks down at his hands. "I know this goes against everything I said yesterday, but I was uh-" he looks back up at me with pleading eyes. I can hear my own breath increase while I wait for what he is about to say. "I was wondering if you wanted to come with me when I leave."
I have to think about what he is trying to ask me but I'm not sure if I'm just assuming something more. "Can you elaborate just a little more?"
He smiles softly. "I leave in three weeks, and I want you to come with me."
"I have school." It's my only argument.
He nods his head. "Yeah, I know. I'm sure you can talk with the admissions or someone to see about finishing the year online or over the summer. There isn't much left of the school year anyways. They understood my situation and allowed me back in no problems. I'm sure you could work something out with them, too. You're smart and do so well in school. Please, I want you to come with me."
I bite down on my lip as I think real hard. This would be it. This would be me choosing Avery, completely, and him choosing me. I know it's smart to stay away, I know I said I'd leave him alone, but he is giving me the chance I don't deserve and probably my very last one. At the same time, it's a lot to ask of me, after everything.
"When do you need to know by?"
His face brightens and I know I just made him happy even by thinking about it, which in return thrills me beyond belief. "Next Tuesday, so uhh, eight days."
"I'll think on it, okay?"
"You should go."
Both Avery and I turn our heads to see Pierce watching us from the door frame. I didn't hear my door open. Maybe I didn't close it? I could have sworn I did. Maybe I was just too lost in thought and in Avery to notice him open it. How much had he heard? And why the hell would he tell me to go? Pierce, of all people, is telling me to go with Avery on this damn trip. Did he not hear the part where it'd be in three weeks? And does he not know this is like a nine month trip?
Before I say anything- being too dumbfounded and all- Avery's speaks up. "What are you doing here?"
Pierce's eyes leave mine and he looks at Avery is complete disgust. "Was planning on coming over and cooking for Cassie, but I see I'd just be intruding. Threesomes are all only fun when it's with two chicks." His eyes burn back into mine and I'm still staring at him with disbelief.
Is this seriously happening right now?
He turns around and starts to walk off and before I realize I'm doing it, I yell at him. "Sit your ass down, now!" He pauses and looks over his shoulder at me, just as taken aback as me. "Now," I yell. I point the empty seat next to Avery.
I look at Avery too, who looks all too confused. "You stay put. I'm talking to you both. This is ridiculous."
"Uh, I'd rather get going."
"Avery Manning, keep your ass on that stool or so help me God you're going to fucking regret it!" I even stomp my foot on the floor for added effect. I'm actually pretty surprised with myself right now.
Even more surprising, Avery stays put and Pierce slowly makes his way over. He grabs the stool, slides it over so he is away from Avery as much as possible, then sits.
"Now,” I clear my throat and try my best to stand a little straighter. "This is all fucked up bullshit." Who is this girl I'm being? Not me, that much is for sure! But I like it. "You both need to listen to me."
Both guys just look at me in utter shock and it makes me smile, just a little. Not too much because I don't want them to think I'm amused by the situation- because I'm not- I'm just happy they're obeying me and I can finally, maybe, possibly, clear a few things up. It seems every time I try, things just get more confusing, so maybe, finally, we can work this stuff out.
"You," I point first to Pierce. "You only first started even coming around to taunt Avery. You ended up being a great friend in the long run, and we had a lot of fun. I never, ever, meant to have feelings for you. You drive me completely mad, you piss me off so much I want to punch you, but the more pissed I get at you, the more I... uh. Yeah, well you know. It's all just intense with you. I like being your friend, and I enjoy the benefits if I'm being completely honest. A relationship though, I'm sorry, I just don't see it. Not now anyways. I don't think it was ever supposed to be a relationship between us. We were always just, well for the lack of a better word, lovers."
I turn my face towards Avery, not knowing what more to say to Pierce. "And you. You did the most romantic thing I've ever known possible, you came back to me after all
those years, like you promised. But then you didn't want me, then you did, then you left, then we worked shit out, then we split up. We're too back and forth. We both hurt each other, and as much as I love you and love being around you, it kind of sucks. We're going to destroy one another if we continue this... thing... between us. I think we have a chance for a great future, but not until the future. I don't think going with you is best, and I don't think trying a relationship with you is best. I think being distant friends who care for one another, catch up on the phone and such is what we need, for now."
I look back to Pierce again. "I don't want to lose you, but I don't want anything more than what we have. If it's not what you want," I look back to Avery and am starting to feel dizzy now, "and if this isn't what you want." I shrug my shoulders at the two of them and talk to whoever is listening. "Then I'm sorry- but it's what I'm giving you. I'm clearing the air, I'm putting my feelings and thoughts out there. I don't want it all with either of you, but I don't want nothing. I want something in between. So?"
My eyes look to Avery, then Pierce, back to Avery, Pierce again, then... the ceiling.
Chapter Fourteen
"Hey, sweetie, you okay?"
I slowly open my eyes and look at Aubrey, who is looking down at me with a very concerned look.
"Uh, I think so. What happened?" My voice is scratchy and I point to my throat before she answers. "Can you go grab me a water out of the fridge?"
She smiles but it doesn't reach her eyes, then she pushes back some hair that is in my face. "I'll get some out of the water jug right here." She takes a step back and I look at it. Wait a second. It's that ugly pink color plastic jug they have in the hospitals. I look around. What happened and why am I here?
I reach up to move a strand of hair again and notice I have an IV in my hand. "What happened?" I ask without looking at her. Instead I'm taking in all my surroundings. The heart monitor, the blue and white checkered curtain, the large sink off to the side, and the TV that is playing the local news. No one else is in here.