by Ashley Beale
Until I have that closure, I can't even consider anything with anyone. Not that I'd just up and date Pierce two weeks after Avery and I split. I think I've hurt everyone enough. Plus, things are too confusing as is, that'd just complicate them more. Most days I'm not even sure if I want that with Pierce. I like what we have, it's simple and fun. I enjoy this in-between. We have a lot of chemistry between each other, but to be more than lovers, I just don't see it working.
I was going to ask him to come over tonight, but I feel bad using up all his free time on the weekends. He needs a chance to hang out with his other friends, or to go on dates, or to figure out things for himself.
I wonder if Avery will be at Aubrey and Mason's all night. I wonder what Aubrey will be doing later. I need more friends, that much is for sure.
I pull my phone out and text Amy from class. When my phone chirps, she responds saying that she is now dating Kevin. Wow, that is pretty funny. Good for her. Good for them, actually. They're both attractive, kind people, who I thoroughly enjoy being around.
With a sigh in defeat, I put a frozen pizza in the oven and pour myself a glass of diet soda. While my pizza is cooking, I log online and look to see what different people are up to tonight. "UG 2nite!!!! Go Kill Switch!!!!" My stomach drops when I read Judith's, a girl from Geometry, newest update in my newsfeed. It's no doubt that UG stands for the underground fights.
I walk over, turn off my oven, leaving the pizza inside, grab my keys and leave. Avery will talk to me. I will make him!
I arrive at the fight as people are filing out. I guess I got here just in time. I don't get to see the fight, but I see that midnight blue motorcycle that I've fallen madly in love with, and I know the owner is inside, hopefully getting paid for winning. I don't hear what people are saying about who won, only because I want to hurry and get in there before he gets out.
When I get downstairs, I see Mason talking to someone. I don't see Aubrey anywhere around, so she must've stayed home to work on the nursery or to get some much needed rest. I wait off to the side, not wanting him to tell me to leave or something. He is very polite to me, even after I cheated on Avery, but he doesn't like the idea of me attempting to talk to Avery. I don't blame him, had it been switched and he cheated on Aubrey, I'd hate him.
It's obvious he is the bigger person.
Avery comes out of the room with Mouse and two other guys. They all shake hands, then the two body guard looking guys walk in one direction, while Mouse walks back into the room, closing the door behind him. I watch Mason and Avery talk for a few moments before I make my way towards them.
He must sense me because he stops mid laugh and gets a very serious expression on his face. I can tell by his body stance that he is feeling tense. His head turns towards me and I can see him swallow nervously. Mason turns towards me too and he starts immediately shaking his head, looking very unimpressed.
By the wad of cash I watched Avery put in his pocket, I assume he was claimed winner, so I attempt to congratulate him, hoping I don't sound like an idiot. "Congratulations on your fight."
His eyes just look me up and down, giving me a very cold feeling. He doesn't say anything. Bravely I make a step forward. "You did win, right?" Now I'm not so sure. He either is ignoring me because I'm an idiot, or because he truly does hate me that much.
"Yeah," he finally says in a clipped tone. Ouch, that hurts, but I deserve it.
"I was wondering if we could please talk."
Mason is actually the one to speak up at that point. "Cassie, I don't think that is such a good idea."
Both Avery and I turn our attention towards Mason. "Stay out of it," Avery says, surprising us both.
I take a step back, realizing that I'm way too late. I don't like this side of Avery at all, either, it's a little intimidating. "Never mind," I mumble. I turn around and start walking when I hear his voice call after me. I pause mid step and close my eyes.
I can sense when he is close to me and I exhale the breath I didn't realize I was holding. My eyes meet with his and he looks confused by something. "What do you want to talk about Cassie?"
I look around first, to make sure people aren't watching us. It's completely empty in here besides us and Mason, and of course Mouse behind the closed door. When I face Avery again, he looks impatient. "I'm being selfish here, and I know that, but I want to discuss us."
"There is no us," he says matter-of-factly.
"I know that." My voice is just as bitter as his. "And I'm sorry Avery."
"Okay, so case closed and that's all?"
"No, it's not all. Can't we at least be friends or something? Can't we talk and get along and all that?"
He laughs dryly. "Yeah, I about imagine. I tried but you got yourself a new boy toy." He starts to step around me when he pauses, then he looks me in the eye. His mood seems to almost instantly lighten up. "Are you two a couple now?"
"No," I blurt out fast.
"That sucks." He continues to walk and I stand here dumbfounded.
"Excuse me?" I yell and turn around, walking quickly behind him.
When he turns his head to face me, he has a broad smile over his face. "It'd be fun to fuck what's his, you know, pay back. But since you two aren't together, I see no reason to touch you."
I'm not sure what to do right now. I feel like I'm going to throw up. Without a second thought I walk up and smack him right across the face. I'm honestly unsure who is more shocked by what just happened, him or I, but I gasp and he growls.
His hand is on my arm and he is pulling me a different empty room. This place is seriously scary without anyone else here. Mason tries to stop him. "Avery, don't do this, you're going to regret whatever it is you're doing. Leave it alone."
"Fuck off," he yells, still pulling me along.
When we walk through a room, he turns on a light and gives me small shove. I almost fall down and I can tell he feels bad but isn't going to admit it out loud.
"What was that?" I yell.
He takes a few steps towards me and my heart rate accelerates. I'm frozen into place as he is just mere inches from my face. "Don't ever put your hands on me like that again." He clenches his jaw and teeth are grinding together slightly. His breath is ragged and I'm very terrified. I never thought I'd be this scared of Avery.
My eyes can't seem to leave his, as much as I want to run out of here and never turn back around. "I didn't mean to make such a mess of things."
He shakes his head at me, clearly not caring I feel bad about the situation. "Why didn't you show up to my last fight against Spike?"
Swallowing first, I answer him honestly. It's all I can give him- honesty. "I was with Pierce."
He nods his head like he already knew the answer. "Fucking him?"
"I don't think that is any of your concern." His head continues to nod up and down.
"That is where I think you're wrong."
"Why would it concern you? We split up!"
Air leaves his nose as he gets more frustrated with the situation. Well, guess what, you're not the only one, I want to say out loud but I don't. "Yeah, because you cheated, because I needed time, I needed to see that it was a one-time thing between the two of you. It wasn't though, you can't keep your fucking legs closed long enough to work things out in this pretty little head of yours."
"You're always calling me a slut!"
"Because you act like one!" He gets close to my face and smiles at me, but it's the fakest, most smug smile I've ever seen. "Did I not please you well enough? Is that it? Because dammit, I'm starting to think I'm inadequate in the fucking sack."
My chest heaves as everything between us accelerates. I'm frustrated, scared, sad, and oddly enough, turned on. It clicks. This is what I love about Pierce so much, this intensity between us. I don't normally have it with Avery, and when I do, one of us normally runs off. Not right now though.
"You're amazing in bed Avery, but this right here," I point between us using my hand, "is what I need. More passion, mor
e desire, more..." I search for the word.
Before it leaves my mouth, he grabs my shirt and pulls me towards him, putting his lips on mine. I wasn't expecting that and it takes me a second to react. When I do, oh God, it's intense.
It ends way too soon and he pulls back, looking me up and down but putting distance between us. "That is what you want? You want me to be a total fucking jackass to you, then you want me to kiss you? That is just weird."
Tears threaten to spill out my eyes when he says that. "Weird or not, that was just the best kiss I've ever experienced."
I push past him and leave the room, leaving him behind me once and for all.
Chapter Twelve
Thankfully Pierce doesn't question me randomly showing up and pulling my clothes off. We don't even make it to his bedroom before he has me bent over. When we both catch our breath from a seriously quick screw, he turns me around and hugs me close to him. "You okay?" he asks.
"Fine."
He sighs against me and kisses my forehead. "Hungry?"
"Yeah, actually I am." I forgot that I didn't eat that dang pizza. He walks over and opens the fridge and pulls a few things out. I love that he always has leftovers in his fridge. I don't think I've ever seen a single guy in his early twenties cook so much, and save all his extra food. He is a great cook too.
When we sit down at the table, I look over at him with a small smile. "You should have become a chef."
He grins at me, thankful that I like his cooking. "I love cooking, it's fun, but I don't think it's something I'd want to do for a living."
"Bummer."
He laughs. "Bummer?"
"Yeah, I was hoping I could get you to cook for me for a living." I wink at him and his smile widens.
He reaches over and grabs my hand, and we both hold hands while finishing our food. It's a little awkward, since he has the hand I usually use to eat, but it's really nice right now. It's what I need.
When I get home that night, I lay in bed and think about it all. I'm not sure who is honestly more confused about everything, me or the guys. Guys, wow, that sounds so pathetic. I can't blame Avery for hating me, I'd hate me too. Thinking about the amount of times I've hurt him, it kills me. This is why I decided to leave him alone. I'm so dumb for going to that fight tonight. I think I just threw a stone into the pond, causing the ripples to stretch out even further.
The following morning I decide to take a day off just for me. I end up at the salon and get a mani-pedi, then I get an hour full body massage. The hair stylist asks if she can do something to my hair just for the sake of it, and ends up just washing it and styling it. It was relaxing. It kept my mind clear of everything that has been confusing me and stressing me out. It's exactly what I needed.
Not wanting my "me" day to end, I go to the beach and lay out on a towel. The sun feels great on my skin, even though I'm only in shorts and a tank top, not my bikini. It's not quite warm enough to go swimming yet, but it's warm enough to lay out on the sand.
I put my headphones in and listen to some music on my phone while munching on some grapes. The beach doesn't have too many people here, which is also refreshing. Before too long, I end up closing my eyes and I'm that state of mind where I'm not quite asleep but I'm not quite awake either.
"What are you doing here?"
My body startles and I open my eyes to Shey. She sits next to me and smiles. "Ugh, getting fresh air and sunshine. What about you?"
She points over to the distance and I see Carson watching us from a picnic table, eating what looks to be a sandwich. I turn back and face Shey. "We just thought about getting some fresh air since the weather is nice. You look to be nice and relaxed. I thought you were sleeping for a minute."
"I think I was seconds away from it," I admit with a laugh. "Yeah, I'm definitely enjoying myself. I need it."
"I bet."
I scrunch my forehead together and tilt my head, curious as to why she'd say it the way she did. She presses her lips together and looks around. Someone- or more than one person- has obviously been talking. I continue staring at her, knowing eventually she'll give it up.
"Please tell me you know." Her voice is oh so hopeful until I shake my head no and she grunts. "Great, I have to the one to break the news."
"I'm a big girl, I can handle it." Even though the first thought that comes to mind is that Avery is now dating someone like Katie. It ties my stomach in knots but it's the sort of karma I deserve.
She rests her hand on my shoulder and gives me a sad smile. She is attempting to comfort me and that gesture is sweet. It's not what I need though, I need the truth. "Avery got signed again. He is going semi."
I stand before she even finishes. "You're kidding right?"
"I wish I were."
She stands with me. I grab my towel and tote bag, then I start walking away. "Thanks Shey," I yell over my shoulder. I get to my car and crank the engine, before pulling out and driving to Avery's apartment. I know I have no right to be angry but look what happened to him last time! This is incredibly ridiculous and I'm in no way impressed.
His motorcycle is here, so I park behind it and make my way towards the door. My fist pounds into the wood and I yell out, "open this door Avery, I know you're in there."
When he opens the door he has raised brows and a toothbrush hanging from his mouth. His hair is dishelved and he looks ridiculously hot. He attempts to smile around the toothbrush while his eyes roam my body. I don't have time to be turned on, I'm pissed.
Without him offering for me to enter, I push past him and walk into his kitchen, throwing my bag on the table. I turn around as he makes his way into the bathroom. "You got signed!"
The water runs and I hear him gurgling a second later. I wait patiently for him to hurry up but when he doesn't come out after another minute, I walk in. He laughs when I stand in the doorway, watching him add deodorant. "What, did you just wake up or something? It's like two in the afternoon."
He looks over at me, his eyes twinkling with something. "Nah," he says, "just was out celebrating last night. I just got in about an hour ago."
I can feel my face pale. I don't bother asking him about his night, instead I ask about him getting signed. "You're going to go semi-pro again? That's who those guys were yesterday, wasn't it? And you didn't even tell me?"
His places his hands on both my shoulders and leans down until we're eye level. "Why would I?"
"Because I care about you. I don't need you getting hurt again." My voice cracks at the end and he looks a little hurt.
His head starts shaking back and forth. "You can't do this, Cassie, it isn't fair. Don't play this game with me. You made a decision and it's final. I'm doing what I love. I've been training hard, I've won all but one fight since getting back in the ring, and I'll be getting paid a little more. If that asshole did anything to me, it was put some more fame on me. More people want to see me fight, and they're willing to pay big money. I won't get hurt again. Damn, I'll buy security if I have to."
"Why?" I ask a bit breathless.
"I just told you why. It's the one fucking thing I love that doesn't hurt me."
I laugh bitterly. "So getting punched in the face, kicked around, knocked out a time or two, getting shot, none of that hurts you? Funny, because last I checked that was all pretty damn painful."
He swallows audibly and shakes his head. He stands straighter, then pushes me aside as he walks past me back into the main part of his apartment. "Cassie, if you don’t leave, I'm going to say shit I regret."
"Just say it, Avery! You tell me I'm a horrible person all the damn time. Tell me what is on your mind, because if you don't, you may never have the chance. You're leaving... again."
He sniffs but doesn't face me, so I can't tell if it's out of emotion or if it's his way of clearing his mind. "All that shit, the punches to the damn face, hell getting shot and being put into a coma. None of it compares to the damn pain and torture I experience when it comes to you. I fucking love you, don't y
ou see that?" He turns and looks at me, his eyes watering. Not what I was expecting at all.
Continuing, "I woke up and saw your damn face and knew it was some sort of sign. I left you once and I promised to never do it again, and I didn't want to. I was going to try, Cassie, try to work shit out with you. I was going to look past it all because I thought we were finally where we needed to be. I thought you were happy, that I was happy, that we were going to be together, forever. But you can't make up your damn mind about me or that fucking piece of shit."
He slams his fist down on the counter, startling me. I don't move though, I listen to him go on, because it's everything I've needed to hear, it's everything he's needed to say. It's the only closure I'll receive from him. Anything is better than nothing.
"So instead of waiting around for you to pick and choose, to fuck with our heads and hearts, I'm making the damn decision this time, and this time I'm leaving. I'm fighting, because that is what I love to do, and it'll be there for me. Maybe one day," he shakes his head, doubting his own words. "It's possible that we can look past this, when you grow up and I grow up, and we're done being selfish, because yeah, I have been too, I admit it. Maybe then we can work shit out, but that is years down the road Cassie. So live your damn life, do what you want. Hell, go get knocked up and married to the fucker for all I care. Just leave me alone. For now, just leave, and don't contact me while I'm gone."
I take a step forward, being brave. I didn't cry in anything he said, as emotional as it was. Even seeing a few tears fall from his eyes didn't make me, but when I start to speak, they slide down my cheek. My voice is thick with emotion, making it a lot harder to say what I want to say. "I'm not very strong Avery. I love you so much, more than I thought I'd ever love anyone. More than I do love anyone. You're the one for me, I know you are. I also know that you and I, we don't belong together. There is too much pulling us apart and neither of us fight hard enough to stay together. I'm not going to go get knocked up and married," I raise an eyebrow at him for a moment, "but I'm not going to sit here and wait either."