You're Not Listening

by Kate Murphy

  social exchange theory Peter Blau, Exchange and Power in Social Life (New York: Routledge, 2017).

  experiencing the “other.” Bettina Bergo, “Emmanuel Levinas,” Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy, fall 2017, ed. Edward N. Zalta, https://plato.stanford.edu/archives/fall2017/entries/levinas/.

  informed our ideas of morality Michael Tomasello, A Natural History of Human Morality (Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press, 2016).

  guided only by the lantern Pascal Bruckner, The Temptation of Innocence: Living in the Age of Entitlement (New York: Algora Publishing, 2000), 19.

  I have no idea Deborah Solomon, “The Science of Second-Guessing,” New York Times, December 12, 2004, https://www.nytimes.com/2004/12/12/magazine/the-science-of-secondguessing.html.

  more intense than nonsocial regrets Mike Morrison, Kai Epstude, and Neal J. Roese, “Life Regrets and the Need to Belong,” Social Psychological and Personality Science 3, no. 6 (2012): 675–681, https://doi.org/10.1177/1948550611435137.

  can’t go back and do over Amy Summerville, “The Rush of Regret: A Longitudinal Analysis of Naturalistic Regrets,” Social Psychological and Personality Science 2, no. 6 (2011): 627–634, https://doi.org/10.1177/1948550611405072.

  regret is the second-most common Susan Shimanoff, “Commonly Named Emotions in Everyday Conversations,” Perceptual and Motor Skills 58, no. 2 (1984): 514, http://dx.doi.org/10.2466/pms.1984.58.2.514; Susan Shimanoff, “Expressing Emotions in Words: Verbal Patterns of Interaction,” Journal of Communication 35, no. 3 (1985), http://dx.doi.org/10.1111/j.1460-2466.1985.tb02445.x.

  17: WHEN TO STOP LISTENING

  working on a story Kate Murphy, “The Fake Laugh,” New York Times, October 20, 2016, https://www.nytimes.com/2016/10/23/opinion/sunday/the-science-of-the-fake-laugh.html.

  As George Eliot wrote George Eliot, Middlemarch (New York: Harper & Brothers, 1873), 70.

  certain expectations in conversation H. Paul Grice, Studies in the Way of Words (Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press, 1991); H. Paul Grice, “Logic and Conversation,” in Speech Acts, ed. P. Cole and J. L. Morgan (New York: Academic Press, 1975), 41–58.

  politeness and fairness in turn taking Geoffrey Leech, Principles of Pragmatics (New York: Routledge, 2016); Penelope Brown and Stephen C. Levinson, Politeness: Some Universals in Language Usage, vol. 4 (Cambridge, UK: Cambridge University Press, 1987).

  calling tech support Kate Murphy, “Why Tech Support Is (Purposely) Unbearable,” New York Times, July 3, 2016, https://www.nytimes.com/2016/07/04/technology/why-tech-support-is-purposely-unbearable.html.

  ’Tis the good reader Ralph Waldo Emerson, The Collected Works of Ralph Waldo Emerson: Society and Solitude (Cambridge, MA: Belknap Press, 2007), 150.

  You mirror each other’s Thomas Fuchs and Hanne De Jaegher, “Enactive Intersubjectivity: Participatory Sense-Making and Mutual Incorporation,” Phenomenology and the Cognitive Sciences 8, no. 4 (2009): 465–486, https://doi.org/10.1007/s11097-009-9136-4; Alex Pentland, “Social Dynamics: Signals and Behavior,” in Proceedings of the Third International Conference on Developmental Learning (ICDL’04), Salk Institute, San Diego, UCSD Institute for Neural Computation (2004): 263–267.

  We can readily accept Robert Zajonc, “Feeling and Thinking: Preferences Need No Inferences,” American Psychologist 35, no. 2 (1980): 151, http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/0003-066X.35.2.151.

  treatise On Friendship Alexander Nehamas, On Friendship (New York: Basic Books, 2016).

  It may really be too hard Amy Bloom, Love Invents Us (New York: Vintage, 1998), 205.

  communication privacy management theory Sandra Petronio and Wesley T. Durham, “Communication Privacy Management Theory Significance for Interpersonal Communication,” in Engaging Theories in Interpersonal Communication: Multiple Perspectives, ed. Dawn Braithwaite and Paul Schrodt (Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage, 2014), 335–347; Sandra Petronio and Jennifer Reierson, “Regulating the Privacy of Confidentiality: Grasping the Complexities Through Communication Privacy Management Theory,” in Uncertainty, Information Management, and Disclosure Decisions: Theories and Applications, ed. T. A. Afifi and W. A. Afifi (New York: Routledge, 2009), 365–383; Lindsey Susan Aloia, “The Emotional, Behavioral, and Cognitive Experience of Boundary Turbulence,” Communication Studies 69, no. 2 (2018): 180–195, https://doi.org/10.1080/10510974.2018.1426617.

  compared to other breakup strategies Tara Collins and Omri Gillath, “Attachment, Breakup Strategies, and Associated Outcomes: The Effects of Security Enhancement on the Selection of Breakup Strategies,” Journal of Research in Personality 46, no. 2 (2012): 210–222, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jrp.2012.01.008.

  CONCLUSION

  the collective monologue of preschoolers Jean Piaget, Language and Thought of the Child: Selected Works, trans. Marjorie and Ruth Gabain (New York: Routledge, 2002), 1–30.

  greatest compliment Henry David Thoreau, “Life Without Principle,” American Studies Collection, University of Virginia, http://xroads.virginia.edu/~hyper2/thoreau/life.html.

  Index

  The index that appeared in the print version of this title does not match the pages in your e-book. Please use the search function on your e-reading device to search for terms of interest. For your reference, the terms that appear in the print index are listed below.

  Abraham, Laurie: The Husbands and Wives Club

  active listening

  air traffic controllers

  Algonquin Round Table

  algorithms

  alienation

  alternative facts

  amygdala

  Anderson, Stephanie

  Annie Hall (film)

  anxiety

  Apple

  Armstrong, Neil

  Aron, Arthur

  assumptions

  attachment-based programs

  attachment theory

  attention

  attention economy

  aural environments and

  conversation and see conversation

  divided

  grabbing for

  people’s confidences, sustained attention and receiving

  self-awareness and

  silences and

  span, average

  speech-thought differential and

  technology/distraction and

  vocal properties and

  withholding

  audiobooks

  auditory cortex

  auditory hallucination

  auditory information, processing of see also hearing

  aural environments

  authenticity

  autism

  avoidance/withdrawal strategy see ghosting

  awareness

  background music

  bad listeners

  behaviors

  Barnes, Monica Bill

  bartenders

  Basilica of Our Lady of San Juan del Valle, San Juan, Texas

  Bass, Dick

  Becker, Howard

  Bercow, John

  Betty Crocker

  Betzig, Eric

  big data

  bin Laden, Osama

  Blau, Peter Michael

  blind, listening see also nonverbal communication

  Bloom, Amy: Love Invents Us

  Bodie, Graham

  body language see also facial expression

  boredom

  Boston College

  boundaries, setting/respecting

  Bowling for Columbine (documentary)

  Bradbury, Ray

  brain:

  amygdala

  attachment theory and

  auditory cortex/auditory processing

  autism and

  brain waves, syncing of

  differences of opinion/fight, flight, or freeze mode and

  inner voices and

  prejudicial information and

  speech-thought differential and

  theory of mind/social cognition

  uncertainty and

  Wernicke’s area

  Brexi
t

  Brookings Institution

  Brown, David

  Bruckner, Pascal: The Temptation of Innocence

  Carnegie, Dale: How to Win Friends and Influence People

  Caro, Robert

  Catholic Church

  Center for Attachment Research, New School, New York

  Center for Courage & Renewal

  Central Intelligence Agency (CIA)

  Chicago commuter study (University of Chicago)

  children/childhood

  Churchill, Lady Randolph see Jerome, Jennie

  Churchill, Winston

  Circle of Security

  clarification

  clearness committees, Quaker

  Clinton, Bill

  closeness-communication bias

  Coche, Judith

  cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT)

  cognitive complexity

  collaboration

  collective dialogue/collective monologue

  Collins, Senator Susan

  Columbia University

  comedy

  command of conversations see also conversational sensitivity

  communicators, best

  communication privacy management theory

  communication research

  commuter study, Chicago (University of Chicago)

  con artists/hustlers/scammers

  confession, Roman Catholic Church

  confidences, keeping people’s

  confirmation bias

  congressional hearings, U.S.

  connectedness

  Connolly, Cyril

  contradictory views see opposing views

  contrived listening

  conversation:

  aural environments and

  closeness-communication bias and

  conversational flow

  conversational grandstanding

  conversational narcissism

  conversational pods

  conversational sensitivity

  conversational turn-taking, equality in

  conversation starters

  email see email

  face-to-face

  gaps in/silences and

  gossip see gossip

  Grice’s four conversational maxims

  listening feedback loop, as a continual

  most memorable and meaningful

  quality of, attentive listener changes

  reflecting on

  social media see social media

  speech-thought differential and

  support/shift responses and

  technological distraction and

  telephone see phones

  text see text messages

  tone of voice and

  Cook, Tim

  Coolidge, Calvin

  couples’ group therapy

  Crick, Francis

  Crowe, Kelsey: There Is No Good Card for This: What To Do and Say When Life Is Scary, Awful, and Unfair to People You Love

  curiosity

  Dallas Police Department

  Dartmouth College

  Darwin, Charles

  dating

  Davis, Miles

  daydreaming

  dead air

  deaf/hearing-impaired children see also hearing loss

  debate teams

  demeanor, listener’s

  Democratic Party

  depression

  Derber, Charles

  device dependency

  disconnection

  Disraeli, Benjamin

  distraction

  addiction to

  speech-thought differential and

  Doerr, Anthony

  dogmatism

  dogs, hearing ability of

  dopamine

  Dostoyevsky, Fyodor: Notes from Underground

  Duke University

  Dunbar, Robin

  Durham University

  eargasm

  earplugs

  ears

  right- and left-ear advantage

  effort, listening takes

  Eliot, George: Middlemarch

  Eliot, T. S.; “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock”

  email

  Emerson, Ralph Waldo

  emotion:

  attachment styles and

  conversational sensitivity and

  friendships and

  hearing loss and

  inner voices and

  nonverbal cues and

  right- and left-ear advantage and

  self-awareness and

  silences and

  support/shift responses and

  technological distraction and

  tone-deaf responses and

  tone of voice and

  see also individual emotion

  empathy

  English language

  Epic Games

  Epictetus

  Essential Partners

  European Union

  “everyday talk”

  expectancy bias

  Facebook

  facial coloring, emotion and

  facial expression

  grammaticalization of

  screen time and

  face-to-face conversation

  fake/bot accounts, social media

  Family Dinner Project

  Family Romance

  faux pas

  Federal Bureau of Investigation (F.B.I.)

  Fernyhough, Charles 129; The Voices Within

  Feynman, Richard; The Pleasure of Finding Things Out

  fidgeting

  fight, flight, or freeze mode

  Fitzgerald, F. Scott: Tender Is the Night

  Flores, Bishop Daniel

  fMRI scans

  focused interview see also focus groups

  focus groups

  fetuses

  Freeman, Charles

  Fresh Air (National Public Radio program)

  Freud, Sigmund

  friendship

  closeness-communication bias and

  Dunbar’s number and

  “everyday talk” and

  hospitality, listening as a form of, and

  humor and

  layers of

  opposing views and

  reflecting on conversations and

  syncing of brain waves and

  tone-deaf response and

  Gallery Furniture

  General Mills

  generation Z

  generosity of spirit

  ghosting (avoidance/withdrawal strategy)

  Gibson, Jerry

  Gladstone, William

  Gómez, Father Jorge

  good listeners

  Google

  gossip

  Gottman, John

  government shutdowns (2018–19)

  Great Conversations

  Grice, Herbert Paul

  Gross, Terry

  Group Attachment-Based Intervention

  group storytelling exercises

  Guardian, The

  guilt

  gun violence

  Hairston, Joseph Henry

  Hampsten, Katherine

  Hariri, Ahmad

  Harvard Business Review

  Harvard Law School

  Harvard University

  Hasson, Uri

  Hawking, Stephen

  Haynes, David

  headphones

  hearing

  animal

  auditory information processing, brain, and

  mishearing

  physical mechanics of

  loss of

  helicopter parents

  Henderson, Naomi; Secrets of a Master Moderator

  higher-order thinking

  Hopf, Greg

  hospitality, listening as a form of

  hostage negotiation

  Hovde, Matt

  humor

  hyperpartisanship

  identity, social

  ideological entrenchment

  IKEA

  improvisational comedy

  improvisational l
istening

  individualism

  inflection

  inner voice

  insecurity

  Instagram

  integrated services digital network (ISDN) line

  intelligence-gathering

  intelligence/IQ

  interest, demonstrating

  internal stances/attitudes

  internet see also email; Google; and social media

  interrogation

  interruption:

  of cell service

  conversational

  devices interrupting train of thought

  intimacy

  introductions, first

  introverts

  intuition

  irrational behavior

  isolation

  Ive, Jony

  Jacobs, Jerry

  James, William

  Japan

  Jerome, Jennie (Lady Randolph Churchill)

  job growth, social interaction and

  Jobs, Steve

  Johnson, Lyndon

  journaling

  journalism

  Journal of Research in Personality

  Jung, Carl

  Kahneman, Daniel; Thinking, Fast and Slow

  Kamprad, Ingvar

  Keaton, Diane

  Keats, John

  Keller, Helen

  Kohut, Heinz

  Koudenburg, Namkje

  Krenzel, Lauren

  laughter

  left-ear advantage

  Lehman Brothers

  Lennon, John

  Levinas, Emmanuel

  life expectancy

  linguistic relativity

  LinkedIn

  lipreading

  listening see individual area of listening

  Llyndgyn, Myrd

  long-term relationships, closeness-communication bias and

  loneliness

  Lukensmeyer, Carolyn

  Luntz, Frank

  lurkers, social media

  lying

  Mahler, Gustav

  Mahmud, Sultan Bashir-ud-Din

  manipulation, listener’s power of

  Mankoff, Bob

  Manson, Marilyn

  mansplainer

  marriage

  mass shooters

  Maurois, André

  McCain, Senator John

  McCartney, Paul

  McDonald’s

  McDowell, Emily: There Is No Good Card for This: What To Do and Say When Life Is Scary, Awful, and Unfair to People You Love