by Kate Murphy
McGurk effect
McIngvale, Jim
McManus, Barry
McPhee, John
Mead, George Herbert
media see also social media
meditation
Merton, Robert
Metzger, Julie
Michaelson, Harry
Microsoft
Miller, Danny
mirroring exercise
miscommunication see also mishearing
mishearing see also hearing
misunderstandings see also conversational sensitivity
mondegreen (mishearing lyrics of songs)
morality, listening and
Morgan, J. Pierpont
mothers
motivated listeners
multitasking
musicians
music streaming services
National Institute for Civil Discourse, University of Arizona-Tucson, The
native languages
Nazi party
negative capability
negotiation
Nehamas, Alexander: On Friendship
New Yorker, The
New York Times, The
“To Fall in Love with Anyone, Do This” (essay)
New York Times Magazine, The
Nichols, Ralph
9/11
Noesner, Gary
nonverbal communication see also body language and facial expression
Northwestern University
Norton Book of Friendship, The
offhand comments
Ohio State University
Olmsted, Frederick Law
O’Neill, Tip
1 percent rule (90-9-1 rule), internet culture
“open office” designs
opportunities, missing out on
opposing viewpoints
Oregon Health & Science University, Portland
Overcast
Palmer, Parker
Parker, Dorothy
Peirce, Charles Sanders
personal information
Pew Research Center, The
phones
Piaget, Jean
podfasting
politics
polling
practice/practiced listener
pregnancy
prejudicial information
Price, Richard
Prime Minister’s Questions, UK
Princeton University
private information
problem solving
prosody (flow of tone)
psychoanalysts
psychological safety
Quakers
qualitative research see also focus groups
Qualitative Research Consultants Association (QRCA)
quantitative research
questions:
assumptions hidden in
clarifying
closeness-communication bias and
as conversation starters
curiosity and
“faithful”
fill-in-the-blank
focus groups and see focus groups
open and honest
open-ended
other-directed
personal
polling
shift response/support response and
“The 36 Questions That Lead to Love”
Quinn, Prince Arthur
quotes, collecting
Reagan, Ronald
reciprocal listening exercise (“The 36 Questions That Lead to Love”)
reflective listening
regional dialects
regret
Regret Lab, Miami University, Oxford, Ohio
Reik, Theodor: Listening with the Third Ear
Republican Party
response, tone-deaf
restaurants, noise in
rewarding endeavor, listening as a
right-ear advantage
RIVA Training Institute, Rockville, Maryland
Rogers, Carl
romantic relationships
Roosevelt, Franklin
routine, daily
Sacks, Oliver
salespeople
Salganik, Matthew; Bit by Bit: Social Research in the Digital Age
Salinger, J. D.: “Pretty Mouth and Green My Eyes”
Saman, Heidi
Sapir-Whorf hypothesis
Sarrouf, John
Savitsky, Kenneth
Schafer, R. Murray
Scott, Kim
screen time
script, speaking from a
Second City
Second Date Update (radio program)
secure base
self-aggrandizing stories
self-awareness
self-compassion
self-loathing
self-monitoring
self-promotion
self-psychology
Senate, U.S.
sensitivity
conversational
Sharp, Ronald
shift response
silence
Small, Mario Luis
social anxiety
social cognition
social exchange theory
social identity theory
social media
attention and
depression and
fake/bot accounts
gossip and
listening tools algorithms
lurkers on
1 percent rule (90-9-1 rule) and
opposing views and
qualitative research and
rhetorical slip/ill-considered opinion on
reflection of society at large, questions over
social signaling and
undemocratic nature of
social obligation
social sensitivity
social signaling theory
Sorkin, Aaron
speaking with one voice exercise
speech-thought differential
speed-listening
Stanford University
Starbucks
State University of New York, Stony Brook
“staying in touch”/“keeping up”
Steele, Miriam
stereotypes
St. Mary’s University, San Antonio, Texas
stop listening, when to
stores, noise levels in retail
storytelling
stress
Strout, Elizabeth: The Burgess Boys
subconscious
suicide
Summerville, Amy
super cleaners
support response
Swiffer
“talking stick” incident, U.S. Senate
talk shows
Talmud
technology
distraction and
see also individual type of technology
telecom tracking
television
Terkel, Studs; Working
text messages
theory of mind
“36 Questions That Lead to Love, The” (reciprocal listening exercise)
Thoreau, Henry David
Times of London, The
Todd, Gillien
“To Fall in Love with Anyone, Do This” (The New York Times essay)
tone, vocal
Trace, The
Trappist monks
Trump, President Donald J.
Tversky, Amos
Tversky, Barbara
Twitter
uncertainty
unconscious
United States Office of War Information
Université de Lausanne, Switzerland
University of California-Berkeley
University of California, Los Angeles
University of California-Santa Barbara
University of Chicago
University of Essex
University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign
University of Minnesota
University of Mississippi
University of Utah
&nb
sp; University of Virginia
University of Washington, Seattle
U.S. election (2016)
Vanderbilt University
vestibular system
Victoria, Queen
virtue, listening as a
visual cues
voice:
hearing and unique properties of
inner
resonance of
telephones and
tone of
voicemail
waiting worship
Washington Post, The
Watson, James
Weinberg, Mel
Welty, Eudora
Wernicke’s area
while you are talking, listening
Whitman, Walt
WHYY
Williams College
Wilson, Charles Reagan
Wolfe, Tom
women, listening abilities of
Woolf, Virginia
Woollcott, Alexander
workplaces
World Health Organization (WHO)
Wright brothers
Wright, Sylvia
YouTube
Zagat Dining Trends Survey
Zajonc, Robert
Zerbe, Kathryn
Zuckerberg, Mark
About the Author
Kate Murphy is a Houston, Texas–based journalist who has written for The New York Times, The Economist, Agence France-Presse, and Texas Monthly. You can sign up for ebook updates here.
Contents
Title Page
Copyright Notice
Dedication
Introduction
1. The Lost Art of Listening
2. That Syncing Feeling: The Neuroscience of Listening
3. Listening to Your Curiosity: What We Can Learn from Toddlers
4. I Know What You’re Going to Say: Assumptions as Earplugs
5. The Tone-Deaf Response: Why People Would Rather Talk to Their Dog
6. Talking Like a Tortoise, Thinking Like a Hare: The Speech-Thought Differential
7. Listening to Opposing Views: Why It Feels Like Being Chased by a Bear
8. Focusing on What’s Important: Listening in the Age of Big Data
9. Improvisational Listening: A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Work
10. Conversational Sensitivity: What Terry Gross, LBJ, and Con Men Have in Common
11. Listening to Yourself: The Voluble Inner Voice
12. Supporting, Not Shifting, the Conversation
13. Hammers, Anvils, and Stirrups: Turning Sound Waves into Brain Waves
14. Addicted to Distraction
15. What Words Conceal and Silences Reveal
16. The Morality of Listening: Why Gossip Is Good for You
17. When to Stop Listening
Conclusion
Gratitude
Notes
Index
About the Author
Copyright
Some names and identifying details in this book have been changed to protect the privacy of certain individuals.
YOU’RE NOT LISTENING. Copyright © 2019 by Kate Murphy. All rights reserved. For information, address Celadon Books, a Division of Macmillan Publishers, 120 Broadway, New York, NY 10271.
www.celadonbooks.com
Cover design by Clay Smith
The Library of Congress has cataloged the print edition as follows:
Names: Murphy, Kate (Journalist), author.
Title: You’re not listening: what you’re missing and why it matters / Kate Murphy.
Description: First edition. | New York: Celadon Books, 2020. | Includes bibliographical references and index.
Identifiers: LCCN 2019034095 | ISBN 9781250297198 (hardcover) | ISBN 9781250760340 (international, sold outside the U.S., subject to rights availability) | ISBN 9781250297204 (ebook)
Subjects: LCSH: Listening. | Interpersonal communication.
Classification: LCC BF323.L5 M87 2020 | DDC 153.6/8—dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2019034095
eISBN 9781250297204
Our ebooks may be purchased in bulk for promotional, educational, or business use. Please contact the Macmillan Corporate and Premium Sales Department at 1-800-221-7945, extension 5442, or by email at [email protected].
First Edition: January 2020
* The pejorative term lurkers was coined by internet companies to describe non-revenue-generating users. Online platforms typically make their money by collecting personal data that users volunteer (likes, dislikes, comments, clicks, etc.) and selling it to advertisers.
* National Institute of Civil Discourse was founded in 2011 after the shooting of former Arizona congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords.
* Fun fact: Merton was a magician before he became a university professor.
* Weinberg was inspiration for Christian Bale’s character in the film American Hustle.
* Becker’s work and research methods, or “Beckerisme,” is required reading at many French universities.
* Sarrouf is now co-executive director at Essential Partners, one of the groups mentioned in chapter 7 that helps individuals in communities and organizations listen better to get beyond the “us versus them” mentality.