At the Risk of Forgetting

by A. M. Wilson

  “More like a vegetable.”

  I gave him my best scowl. “That’s not even a funny joke.”

  He had it in him to look sheepish. “I know. I’ll tell her, even though you’ve already told her about fifty times.”

  My fingers sifted through the damp grass, finding a handful and pulling it. “Well if my own mom took care of me, yours wouldn’t have to.”

  “Cami, stop. Don’t go down this road again.”

  A cool breeze aided me in taking a cleansing breath. Instead of replying, I smiled at him. “Will you help me up? We should get back before the rain picks up.”

  Law stared at me for a minute, his eyes studying my face. I wasn’t sure if he wanted to continue the conversation or hang out a little longer. It could’ve been anything with him.

  “Yeah, sure,” he replied, abruptly jumping to his feet and holding out his hand for mine again.

  Our fingers wrapped around one another’s, and he yanked me to my feet. I started to pull away, but he used our connection to tug me into his warm torso.

  Into him.

  The comfort was there. The warmth. The hug brought me the usual serenity it did when he’d decide girls didn’t have cooties and wanted to touch me. But, this time it also felt different. Law buried his nose in the hair at the side of my neck, and it was then I felt him trembling.

  “Law?”

  So slowly it seemed like minutes drifted by, he pulled his head from my neck. “I’d like to kiss you.”

  All the breath I’d ever breathed was sucked out of my lungs with his words. “What?”

  Law was playful. He was teasing and funny and wild. It was rare that I saw him without a grin on his face. But, in that moment, he looked so serious. He looked older, too. “You’re my best friend, Cami. And even though I don’t like you like that, I still want my first one to be with you.”

  Scratch that. He was the same wise guy he always was.

  I shoved at his shoulders until he let me go. My stomach ached in the center, the feeling reminding me of that time I fell out of a tree and all the air was knocked out of my lungs. It burned, and the longer I stood there, the worse the ache got.

  “Unlike you, I’d very much like the person kissing me to like me like that.” I stomped over to my bike and kept going. “Anyways, you’re too late. I’ve already kissed someone, and he sure wasn’t you.”

  “Cami!”

  “Leave me alone, Lawrence Briggs.” Victory scored inside me at that direct hit. I knew more than anyone how much he hated his full name.

  I dipped and reached for my handlebars that had twisted around during my fall. Before I could pick my bike up off the ground, though, Law’s fingers wrapped around my bicep, and he turned me into his arms.

  “You’re lying.” His grin was fake. I scored another hit with my lie. He cared that I kissed someone else before him.

  I shrugged. “Guess you’ll never know. Let me go. I need to get home.”

  Law’s face turned indecisive. His eyes traced their way from my forehead to my chin and back again, and I froze under his stare. He pulled me closer and lowered his head an inch so our lips were closer.

  “I do like you, okay? And I guess I’ll have to settle for second.”

  That’s all he said before he tentatively pressed his mouth to mine.

  Every good feeling I’d ever felt in my life compiled into a spinning vortex that I felt all the way to my toes. Without thinking, I gripped his biceps and Law wrapped his arms around my back. My eyes drifted closed while I reveled in the feeling of his soft lips pressed lightly against mine.

  The rest of it came naturally. I’m not sure who opened their mouth first, but our tongues met somewhere in the middle. The tips gently stroked and prodded until he pushed them both into my mouth. He tasted good—warm and sweet—and I wanted him to never stop. My hands drifted upwards, clutching his shoulders and holding on while we explored.

  The earth halted that day and started spinning on a new axis. I stood on that grassy hill, while busy cars carrying our neighbors flew passed us under a cloudy sky, and all I could think about was how I didn’t want to kiss anyone else for the rest of my life.

  Call it puberty or teenage hormones, but that was the day I fell in love with Law.

  He pulled away softly, a quiet wow slipping from his deep pink lips. “You lied. If that wasn’t your first kiss, your face wouldn’t look like that.”

  I choked on my breath. “What? Look like what?”

  “All dreamy. Like you love me.”

  “I don’t love you.”

  “I think you do.” He smiled. “That’s okay, because I love you, too.”

  Words failed me. Law had rendered me speechless. So, I did the only thing I could do; I pulled away. “I have to go home.”

  “I’ll see you tomorrow, then.”

  I tried not to run. I tried to look calm as I moved back to my bike, but inside I was a tornado of feelings. “Yeah, see ya,” I muttered back and mounted my bike. I started pedaling away when he called to me.

  “Hey Cami!”

  I put my feet to the grass to steady the bike, but I didn’t turn around. I couldn’t. If I did, I might’ve tried kissing him again.

  “You might want to lie about it, but I’m really glad you were my first.”

  My stomach flipped, and my heart beat wildly in my chest. “Me, too,” I whispered, too quietly for him to hear.

  I dropped my bike in our small front yard and ran up the gravel driveway to the ramp leading to our house. Rocks skittered beneath my shoes, and I almost slipped twice. When I hit the ramp, I slowed to a walk. It was weathered from the rain and snow, a little crooked, and wobbled if there was too much weight on the left, but Ritchie built it by himself. I was proud of him for doing something that dad would have done.

  I bypassed the kitchen, moving into the hall so I could change out of my damp and dirty clothes, when she yelled at me. “Stop!”

  I sighed. A million excuses raced through my mind, reasons why I shouldn’t—couldn’t—listen. Reaching out a finger, I traced the peeling yellow wallpaper in front of my face. The daisies depicted there were beginning to look like black-eyed susans. Wanting to ignore her but knowing I couldn’t, I stuck my head into the living room. “Yeah?”

  “Where you been?” She asked the television more than me, since she didn’t even look my way. She might’ve been a paraplegic, but her neck still worked just fine.

  “I was riding my bike.”

  “It’s raining.”

  “It wasn’t when I left. Only caught me on the way back.”

  She maneuvered her chair to face me. Her wrinkled, blue eyes narrowed and her forehead lined. “What’s with the stupid grin? Are you on drugs?”

  At her words, I realized I’d been smiling like I had the whole ride home. My face burned with embarrassment and more than a little dislike for my mother. It wasn’t her, exactly, more her ability to point out anybody’s happiness as if it was a bad thing.

  “No, I’m not on drugs. I was out with...a boy.”

  Her eyes narrowed further. “I don’t like you going out with boys and coming home looking like that.”

  I rolled my eyes and moved back into the hall. The conversation took a turn there’d be no coming back from without a fight. “You don’t much like me anyway, so I don’t see the problem.”

  “What’d you say?”

  “I said I’m going to get changed!” Before I reached my room, however, I was stopped once more.

  “What’re you two yelling about?”

  I smiled genuinely at my brother. “Hey, Witchy Ritchie. Nothing. Mom’s just being her usual, happy self.”

  He sighed and leaned against the door to the linen closet. “Give her a break, Cam.”

  “Yeah, I know. Save the lecture.”

  “Really, though, what was that about? Mom thinks you’re on drugs?”

  I pushed into my bedroom, tired of standing around in wet clothes. My brother didn’t take the hi
nt I wanted to be alone and followed me in.

  “Who cares what she thinks? I’m not. I came home happy. Since she can’t stand to see that, the accusations started.”

  Now Ritchie’s eyes narrowed as he studied me. “Why did you come home so happy?”

  My mouth snapped shut, and I spun away from him. I busied myself by gathering clean, dry clothes to put on from my dresser. “No reason. Can’t I just be happy?”

  “Yeah, you can. Happiness looks good on you.”

  The sad note of his tone had me turning around again. I clutched my pile of clothes to my chest. I forgot my clothes were wet, and therefore got my clean clothes wet, as I tilted my head to the left and took in my older brother. “Speaking of, are you okay? You don’t look so good.”

  “I’m fine. Just tired.” He waved me off with a swish of his hand.

  Tired wasn’t the half of it. He had deep purple rings around his eyes, but we usually did, as our mom spent half the night awake and yelling through her nightmares of the accident that stole our dad and her ability to walk at the same time. But the paleness of his skin was new. He looked ill and it concerned me.

  “Why don’t you go take a nap? I’m here now. I’ll just get changed and make mom some lunch.”

  Ritchie walked towards me, wrapped his arm around my shoulders, and kissed the side of my head. “Thanks. I think I’ll do that.”

  Then he left.

  After I got changed, I did what I said I’d do. I also called our pediatrician and made an appointment for him for the next day. He didn’t look good, and I knew he wouldn’t do it himself. He’d have done the same for me.

  And after that, I looked after mom.

  2.

  “Hey, Witchy Ritchie.”

  I lowered myself onto the bright green grass and ran my fingers through the long blades. The morning dew clung to my jeans, making my backside instantly wet, but I didn’t care. Nothing else existed when I came to visit my brother.

  “It’s getting a little cold out here today. I miss summer already.” I tugged my sweater tighter around my chest and crossed my arms, staring off into the distant trees. “You’ll never guess who I saw the other day.”

  As usual, he didn’t answer. I kept talking, anyway. “I never thought I’d see him again, you know? What is he even doing here? I ran into him at the damn coffee shop of all places. For a moment, I thought he knew everything. I thought he’d figured it all out. I mean, you knew Law. He didn’t miss a thing.”

  “Most things,” I amended.

  A shiver ran through me. I brought my eyes back to the solid marble stone in the ground.

  “What am I supposed to do?”

  My chest ached and burned with the silence. I needed my brother more than ever. More than I needed him when I left home, or when my daughter was born. Because in this moment, I was faced with the heartbreaking reality that I hurt Law, and the confirmation that he still felt that after all these years.

  I didn’t know he’d still care.

  He could have easily forgotten me and moved on. It wouldn’t surprise me if he had a family. A wife who doted on him and kids who looked up to him; with his eyes and unruly hair, who’d run up to him and scream Daddy when he came home after a long day of work.

  That could totally be the case.

  Now that I thought about it, if that weren’t the case, I’d be shocked.

  Law was always handsome. And popular. Before I’d left, he was a sophomore on the varsity football team, and he had been a starting player since freshman year. His coaches and teachers adored him, the student body worshiped him, and the cheerleaders loved him. Especially Stephanie.

  I hadn’t thought her name since before Evelyn was born and I made a promise to myself to put the past behind me. During that time, I knew I needed to grow up. Motherhood was fast approaching, and if I wanted any chance at making a good life for my daughter and me, I needed to forget all I’d lost. After all, the choice to have Evelyn was mine alone, and I didn’t do anything half-assed. The only thing I’d ever left unfinished was my relationship, or lack thereof, with Law.

  Popular.

  Yeah...that word felt like acid in my brain.

  His popularity was what started all of this. The fact he was too popular to be with someone like me started the heartbreak. The doubt.

  “He’s got to be gone by now, right?”

  I stretched out my body in the damp grass, lying across the length of his grave, and rested my head against my folded arms. The ground smelled like fall, fresh earth, and grass clippings, and it brought me comfort. I’d spent countless hours in that exact spot, smelling the fresh air and thinking about my brother. To me, the unfiltered outdoors reminded me of home.

  “He doesn’t live here. I’ll probably never see him again.”

  I lifted my eyes to the headstone. The marble, tinted a moss green, inscribed with his birth and death date. In the center, near the bottom, was a carving of a guitar wrapped in angel wings. Ritchie loved music, and I’m sure, wherever he was, he’s hanging out with the musical legends who’ve already passed on.

  “Thanks for listening, brother,” I whispered.

  Before I left, I told him about Evelyn’s birthday that afternoon, trying to end my visit on a lighter note. The longer I sat, the more my neck prickled. Like someone was there with me. With a new sense of paranoia, I looked around, but I was completely alone.

  Nothing new there.

  I mean, it’s a cemetery. With all the spirits roaming around, I probably wasn’t as alone as I’d like to think.

  With that thought I stood, brushing off my damp backside, and touched a hand to the cold headstone. I bowed my head and as always, fought back the tears. “Miss you, Witchy Ritchie.”

  As I turned to walk to my car, I nearly ran into a man standing right behind me. I clutched at my chest, trying to regain my breath. My eyelids drifted closed while I attempted to pull myself together. When I opened them, he was still there with his gaze fixed on the headstone behind me.

  “Lawrence. You scared me.”

  Seeming to ignore my comment, he made one of his own. “You still call him that?”

  Everything inside me ached. Guilt, pain, fear at what he might have overheard all gripped me in a vice so tight I thought I’d never fully breathe again. Even so, I couldn’t stop myself from wondering what was going through his mind right then.

  And what the hell he was still doing in Arrow Creek.

  Regardless of my questions, I had a birthday party to throw for my baby girl, and today was not the day to get all riled up.

  “Of course, I do. I called him witchy from age three when I couldn’t say my r’s properly and never stopped. You knew that,” I murmured, looking at everything but him.

  Again, he acted like he didn’t hear me. “Rumor around town was he was brought here because a distant relative had bought a plot when his health started to deteriorate. I see it’s safe to assume that was bullshit, too, and he was brought here because of you.”

  My throat instantly dried and I struggled to swallow. That was the rumor, orchestrated by me of course. I couldn’t stand to have my brother buried in a place I knew I’d never visit again.

  His question didn’t warrant a response, as his deduction was accurate, so I went with a question of my own. “What are you doing here?”

  My tone was neutral, even though every other part of me was trembling, but by the look in his narrowed eyes, one would have thought I just told him to prepare for battle.

  Law worked over an answer. Whether he was trying to concoct a lie or not, I wasn’t sure. If he was anything like the Law I used to know, he’d give it to me straight.

  “I really want to tell you to fuck off, considering it’s none of your business.”

  Straight it was.

  Those words pierced my heart.

  He went on. “I’ve been coming here since about six months after he died.”

  “You have?” I choked on the words, disbelief and shock li
ke two hands squeezed around my throat. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t...how was that possible?

  “’Bout once a month or so. Six weeks maybe, if I had shit going on.” He shrugged like it was no big deal.

  Like he didn’t just tear open old wounds, making them fresh and bleeding and painful.

  I was shit at math, but that meant over the past fourteen years, he’d been there over a hundred times.

  How could he have been that close, that often, and not once in that time did we ever cross paths?

  Without thinking, I blurted, “Did you ever even look for me?”

  His torso swung towards me, his hands balled into fists at his side, and his face paled right before it turned a bright red. The squint in his eyes made the lines at the side stand out white and prominent.

  When he opened his mouth, he left me eviscerated.

  “Let’s dissect what it is exactly that you’re asking me, and maybe you can figure out the answer to that question yourself.”

  “No, it’s okay. I shouldn’t have said anything. I need to go.” I moved to step around him, towards the parking lot, but he matched me step for step.

  He wouldn’t let me get by with his big body, but his words immediately stopped me in my tracks. “Did I ever look for you? I looked for you tirelessly. The night you left, I stayed out until the cops found me looking for you, because my parents couldn’t find me and they had to call for help. Nobody saw you go. Nobody heard a thing. As far as the residents of Logansville were concerned, you fucking vanished into thin air. I spent hours searching abandoned lots and drainage ditches, scared out of my damn mind that I was going to find you beaten, raped, or worse, murdered. I looked for you for months, you selfish bitch. But you couldn’t have asked that question alone, you had to throw the word even in there, somehow insulting me further and implying that I’d just forgotten about you the second you disappeared as if you’d meant nothing to me.”

  My heart burned, not as if he’s stabbed it, but as if he’d set it on fire. I knew my decision would affect him, but to hear the straight anger and pain in his voice after all this time was more than I expected.

  “A few months after you’d been gone, my father came to me and said he received a phone call. You’d gone to live with a great aunt in Maine, and you were to have no contact with your friends back home. Now I can see that’s bullshit too.” He settled his hands on his hips and rolled his neck before he threw them out in the air and roared, “Does this look like fucking Maine to you?”