Jaylin's World

by Brenda Hampton

  Jaylene and LJ came running into the living room, jumping all over me.

  “Guess what we’re going to do,” I said. They looked anxious to hear what. “We’re going to make some big ole chocolate chip cookies and put piles and piles of vanilla ice cream between them. Are you ready to help me?”

  They nodded and LJ wanted to know exactly how big the cookies were going to be. He held out his arms wide. “This big, Mommie?”

  Jaylene held out her arms, but they were in no way bigger than LJ’s. “No, this big!” she shouted.

  “Well, not that big, but definitely big enough for us to eat.”

  They jumped off my lap and ran into the kitchen. I walked Shane to the door, and he halted his steps before closing it.

  “You’re a beautiful person, Nokea. Don’t allow bitterness to destroy you. After all that’s happened, you’ve inspired me to get my act together. I was doing some things because I was hurt too, but those things weren’t doing nothing but holding me back. Not anymore.”

  I leaned forward and kissed Shane’s cheek. “You know I wish you all the best. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  Shane left and I hurried to the kitchen to make cookies with my kids.

  Later that day, we were lying on the floor and putting together a huge puzzle, which I had bought. The kids kept questioning me about where I’d been. Even though they really didn’t understand why I had to live in another place, I told them that this would be my permanent home. I also told them that we’d be spending as much time as we could together; unfortunately for me, they stressed how much they loved their home. LJ wanted me to come back, and come back now.

  “Maybe in due time,” I said. “But I’m okay being over here. I’m not that far and I can see you-all anytime I want.”

  LJ frowned; then he slapped the top of his forehead and stood up. He dug his hands into his blue jeans back pocket and handed me a crumpled picture.

  “Look, Mommie,” he said. “I forgot to show you this.”

  I reached for the picture. However, when I looked at it, my face fell flat.

  Jaylene’s arms were around my neck and she pointed to Mackenzie in the picture. “Those are our new friends, Mommie. She’s sooo nice, but he’s a crybaby,” she pouted.

  “Nuh-uh,” LJ said, sitting on my lap. “Those aren’t our friends. Daddy said they were our brother and sister.”

  “Nuh-uh,” Jaylene shouted, “they’re not!”

  “Yes, they are,” he fired back. “Aren’t they, Mommie? Aren’t they our brother and sister?”

  Tears rushed to my eyes as I looked at the little boy whom Mackenzie was holding. He could have been Jaylin’s twin. Even though I hated to break down in front of my kids, I couldn’t help it. Even they started to cry, and this was not what I wanted to happen. I couldn’t let them see me like this, and that’s why I needed more time to get myself together.

  JAYLIN

  Nokea finally called for the kids. I couldn’t believe she had been away from home for two weeks. She hadn’t called and said nothing to me. At first, I didn’t know if she was dead or alive. Each time I called her cell phone, it went straight to voice mail. Since we’d been married, she’d never been away from me this long. My mind kept wandering back to that day when all of this unfolded.

  I did not know Nokea had that kind of rage inside her. It pained me that I had taken her to that level. When I had gotten up to see the damage she had done to our house, I couldn’t believe my eyes. It was like a tornado had run through it. When all was said and done, thousands and thousands of dollars’ worth of furniture had been destroyed. I had the place cleaned up, but I hadn’t replaced anything yet. Didn’t quite feel like rebuilding nothing, especially without my wife being around.

  Truthfully, I wasn’t doing so good. Sleeping alone was no fun at all, and I missed having her soft body next to mine. I lay in bed for hours, thinking about all that I’d done, asking myself if any of this was worth it. Having my kids together for the first time, yes; living in my home without Nokea, no.

  I was determined to have it both ways. When she called Shane for the kids, I just knew she was ready to talk. To my surprise, she wasn’t ready to talk to me. Shane told me what she’d said to him. When I asked him to give me her address, I couldn’t believe he had the audacity to tell me no. I thought we were supposed to be boys, but he told me that he made a promise to Nokea that he intended to keep.

  It was almost eleven at night, and LJ and Jaylene were still with Nokea. I took Mackenzie and Justin home, and Scorpio had asked me to stay the night. After the hurt I had caused Nokea, I couldn’t. The guilt I felt inside ... no way would I keep doing things that hurt her. I mean, I had some love for Scorpio, but not like I loved Nokea. Continuing to betray her didn’t make sense to me, and running to Scorpio for comfort was something I didn’t want to do. She could see the wounded look in my eyes, and I appreciated her being there for me again. Her comfort, however, wasn’t what I needed right now.

  I sat outside on the balcony at my house. I was lying on one of my lounging chairs. For the sixth or seventh time today, I used my cell phone to call Nokea. I hadn’t left any messages, but decided to leave her one now.

  “We gotta talk, baby. We are going to have to work through this. I know you’re angry with me right now, but we can’t go on like this. I need you here with me and the kids. Fuck, I need you! Period! Come home. Come talk to me, or answer this gotdamn phone. I’m begging you, before I go crazy in this muthafucking house!” I paused to calm myself. “All right. Good night, Nokea. I... I’m so sorry for hurting you. I won’t do it again. You can bet your life on it. Call me, okay?”

  Three days had gone by, no response. Shane had already come back with the kids, and all I could do for now was cling to the love I had for them. I couldn’t even look Nanny B in the eyes, and she was at the point where she simply didn’t want to hear it. When I told her what I’d done, she replied, “I saved your ass one time before, and I will not do it again!”

  Since then, she hadn’t said much to me at all; but when Mackenzie and Justin came over the other day, she seemed to be in a better mood. Nanny B loved all of my kids, and I knew she would embrace each of them with open arms.

  It was Saturday, and Nanny B and I had taken the kids to a carnival. They had enormous fun and it was like a breath of fresh air seeing them all play together. Mackenzie and Jaylene were getting even closer, and so were LJ and Justin. Justin was even starting to cling more to me, and I was very happy about that.

  After we left the carnival, Nanny B wanted to get a new pair of tennis shoes, so we stopped by the mall. That didn’t go over so well, because my kids were straight-up misbehaving. Jaylene was falling all on the floor because I walked by the jelly beans she wanted; Mackenzie was picking up everything she could get her hands on; LJ kept running off, hiding behind shit; the only one who acted as if he had some sense was Justin. That was because Nanny B pushed him in a stroller and he was sound asleep. I was doing my best to get some order. When my voice got loud, Jaylene covered her ears and started to cry. I picked her up so she would be quiet. By far, she was definitely the most rotten of all.

  “What is wrong with you, girl?”

  She wiped her tears, then pointed her finger toward the jelly beans.

  “Would you go get that child some jelly beans so these folks can stop looking at us like we’re crazy,” Nanny B said, irritated. “All of this foolishness doesn’t make any sense, and it’s embarrassing.”

  Just then, two women walked by, waving at me. I gave them a quick wink. One of them stepped up to me, and Nanny B quickly spoke up. “Don’t you see all these bad kids this man has? And he has a ring on his finger. What is it that you could possibly want with him?”

  “His phone number,” the woman bluntly responded, then looked at me.

  I spoke up. “Trust me, you don’t—”

  “LJ, get back here!” Nanny B shouted as he ran off.

  I told the woman I was happily married. She sl
owly walked away, and Nanny B rolled her eyes.

  LJ came running back toward us, skidding into me like I was home plate. “Yes,” he yelled, tightening his fist as if he’d made a home run.

  I’d had enough and my frown displayed it. “Get off this floor and cut that shi ... mess out. You should know better.”

  LJ jumped up, swiping any dirt from his jeans. Mackenzie suggested that they go look at some books in the bookstore, but I halted their steps.

  “Listen,” I said to them. “We gon’ get these jelly beans, get two books, and then we’re out of here. If anybody else starts acting up, there will be repercussions.”

  “What’s a ‘repercussion,’ Daddy? What does that mean?” LJ asked.

  “Keep on acting up and you’ll see what it means.”

  After Jaylene got her jelly beans, Mackenzie talked me into buying all kinds of outfits for her. LJ got two new pairs of tennis shoes and four new video games. I, at least, got more books than anticipated. When we got back to the house, it was rather late. We all changed into our pj’s, and they were anxious for me to read some of the books. I pretended I was sleeping and playfully snored while in my bed, which was roomy enough for all of us. Jaylene pinched my nose real hard.

  “Wake up,” she shouted in my ear. She was a true badass, and I definitely had my hands full with her. I raised my voice, telling her to sit down. I could see that her feelings were hurt. As I lay sideways on the bed, she placed her head as close as she could to my chest. I kissed her forehead, apologizing for raising my voice.

  “Okay, now y’all be quiet and listen as I read,” I said.

  I lay on my back, holding the book up in my hands. Mackenzie rested her head on one shoulder, and Jaylene laid hers on the other. LJ was sitting next to me, and Justin was bouncing up and down on the bed. He didn’t seem to be interested in the story, but LJ kept his eyes on Justin so he wouldn’t fall. I got through the story, with very little ruckus. That was because Jaylene had fallen asleep, and so had Mackenzie. Justin was sitting between LJ’s legs. Once I eased myself away from the girls, I picked up Justin.

  I carried Justin into LJ’s room, and he followed closely behind us.

  After tucking both of them in bed, I gave LJ a high five. “I appreciate you watching out for your little brother. I love you very much, and there ain’t nothing in this world that I wouldn’t do for you. You know that, don’t you?”

  LJ nodded, telling me that he loved me too. As I headed for the door, he called out to me.

  “Psst, Daddy,” he said. “I got something in this world that I want you to do. Can you do it?”

  “Anything.”

  He placed his hands on the sides of his face and sighed. “Make Mommie come back home, man. It’s getting a little boring around here without her.”

  I couldn’t help but chuckle, not wanting to display the sadness I felt inside. “I’m working on it. I’m doing my best.”

  He pulled the covers over his head and I left his room. I was on my way downstairs to the lower level, but I sat on the steps and pulled my cell phone from my pocket.

  “Day sixteen and you still haven’t called me. I’ve been calling you every single day, and I don’t understand why you at least will not talk to me. I need to hear your voice say something to me. Even if you want to tell me how much you hate me, I’ll listen. Can I just see you, please? I just want to see you—that’s all. Talk to you, hold you, make love to you... something. Anything. Just call me. I love you.... Really, I do.”

  I closed my phone shut, then dialed out again. Scorpio answered the phone this time.

  “I’ll bring the kids home tomorrow. We had a long day, and they’re all resting peacefully.”

  I knew she could hear the sadness in my voice, and she’d seen it for the past couple of weeks. “What about you?” she said. “Are you getting any rest?”

  “A little.”

  “Can I say something to you, without you getting defensive?”

  “What is it?”

  “Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. I never wanted for you to be so down like this, and all I wanted was for Mackenzie and Justin to bring happiness to your life. As much as I love you, this is not about us. I’m okay with the way things are, but I want you to be okay with it too. Deep down, I don’t think you are.”

  “I am ecstatic about my children being here. This is something that I always wanted, and Justin is bringing my life to a full circle. My kids aren’t going anywhere, Scorpio, so I hope you are okay with the arrangements. My marriage is a totally separate issue. Just so you can’t say that I didn’t tell you, I intend for Nokea and me to reconcile. Soon.”

  There was a pause; then she spoke. “I’m doing my best not to interfere. I struggle with not being able to make love to you when I want to, but we all have some issues that we have to deal with. For now, you’re in the driver’s seat. It’s going to be up to you to put what is going on between us in park. I can’t see myself ever doing it, and I will ride this out until you put the brakes on. I hope you know exactly what I mean. Good night. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  She hung up and I closed my phone shut. I headed downstairs and saw Shane chilling back on the pit couch, with the TV almost blasting. He was on the phone too, so I wasn’t sure how he could even hear. I used the remote to turn down the TV; then I sat on the couch, lifting my feet on the ottoman. Shane quickly ended his call.

  “When y’all get back?” he asked.

  “We’ve been back for a while. I’m surprised you didn’t hear us with all of that noise upstairs.”

  Shane stretched his arms on top of the couch. “I don’t hear a thing down here. It’s like I’m far away, living in another house. That’s why I can’t let this shit go. I got my own bed and bathroom, entertainment area, theater room, b-ball court, sauna, game and weight room, patio with Jacuzzi, indoor pool, bar with drinks.... Man, I got it made. And ... when you look out at the ocean from those glass windows over there, the scenery is awesome. You should check it out some time. Plus I don’t have to pay no rent. Now, who can beat that shit?”

  “I feel you.” I smiled. “You damn sure got it made, in my house. That rent, though, it’s being taken out of those fat checks we’ve been getting. I’m surprised you haven’t noticed, but I guess it should be my bad for not telling you why your checks are always coming up a tad bit short.”

  Shane laughed and massaged the side of his face with his hand. “So what up?” he asked. “I know you came down here to holla at me about something.”

  “I did. First of all, I want you to tell me where Nokea lives.”

  “As much as I would love to, I can’t. I promised her that I wouldn’t tell you, and the last thing she needs is to feel betrayed by me. That would really mess up everything, and any chance that you have of finding out what she’s been up to would be cut off. You’d really be fucked then.”

  “Have you talked to her?”

  “Yep.”

  “When? Negro, why you ain’t say nothing?”

  “Because you and the kids had been gone all day. I intended to tell you what she said.”

  I was anxious, but Shane was fucking with me. “And? What did she say?”

  “She said that she got your messages. When she’s ready, you’ll hear from her.”

  I rubbed my chin. “Okay, that’s cool. I can roll with that. Did she say ‘soon,’ and is that all she said?”

  “She didn’t say ‘soon,’ only implied when she was ready. She also said that you needed to see a psychiatrist. Now, I’d made that recommendation before, but you shot me down.”

  “Muthafucka, are you crazy! You got me all fucked up and I’m not gon’ sit in nobody’s damn office telling them shit about me or my past. That’s why I call yo ass my best friend. You’re supposed to listen to my bullshit and give me some advice about what to do.”

  “I do give you advice, but you don’t listen. You got this controlling thing about you, Jay, and I can’t believe how selfish you are about som
e things.”

  I pretended to be in denial, because I recognized I had some issues with being selfish and controlling. “I am the most giving man you and I both know. I pay my taxes on time. I give to those in need. I make donations to charities. I buy my kids anything they want. Look at all I’ve done for you. How can you sit there and call me ‘selfish’?”

  “I said ‘selfish about some things,’ particularly when it comes to women. It’s like you’re only willing to give so much, and what they think or want don’t matter. It’s your way, or no way. You expect for them to accept whatever you dish out. After a while, Jay, that shit gets old.”

  I placed my hand on my chest. “Shane, you’ve insulted me. If I could get up from here right now and take you to Scorpio’s penthouse, you would take back everything you said. Look at how Nokea lived. She didn’t want for nothing, and how is it that I’ve been so selfish to her?”

  He shrugged and smirked. “You should see that condo Nokea is living in, as that may set you back too. Pertaining to you, though, you don’t get it. It’s useless talking to you. You’re referring to the material shit. I won’t add my two cents about Scorpio, but Nokea don’t give a damn about this house. That’s why she tore this mutha up like she did, and kicked your ass in the process,” he said, laughing.

  She did kick my ass, but I didn’t quite find it as humorous as Shane did. Either way, he continued talking.

  “You’re selfish because you don’t consider her feelings. And if you do, you always ... always put your needs before hers. In a marriage, you can’t do that.” Shane pointed to his chest. “A single man like me can get away with it, but you can’t. You have got to think about your wife’s needs and feelings too. That’s all I’m saying, bro, and you need to correct yourself on that shit.”

  I kept quiet for a minute, thinking. “I feel you. I definitely feel what you’re saying, but it may be too late for me. I got myself all fucked up in love with two women. One, of course, way mo love than the other.”