Jaylin's World

by Brenda Hampton

  Nokea blushed. “I know I can.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Positive.”

  I let go of the steering wheel and Nokea continued to hold her arms up as if driving. She was cutting corners and running over people in her way. “Damn, girl, look at you do your thing. There you go. Now, go tackle all of those things in life that you wanted to do, as each and every one of them is possible. Hold on tight to that wheel and never turn it over to another driver again. Especially not me, because I can be reckless behind the wheel.”

  She dropped her arms and laughed. “Oh, don’t I know it! Very reckless.”

  “I didn’t ask for your two cents, but the truth is the truth. I accept it. My point is ... I know you had a chance to talk to Nanny B, and she was so right. What happened was, you stopped dreaming and you put me in the driver’s seat of your life. It became all about me, and you spent years and years, trying to do right by me and putting up with my bullshit. Instead of being the kind of husband who motivated you, yet again, I managed to become a setback for you. I regret that, and I’m never going to let you forget about your dreams again. I thought about what you said at your condo the day I confronted you about the baby. You gave me everything that you could, and yet I failed you.

  “Now I have to suffer the consequences behind that, but I don’t want you to suffer anymore. I want you to live out your life as you wish and bring your life full circle. Bring this place alive, you hear me. Whatever you want to do, the sky is the limit. Come up with a business plan and incorporate Jaylene into your dreams. Teach her how to become independent and strong. Encourage her to follow her dreams, not someone else’s. If you lead, she will follow.”

  Nokea sat in silence for a while; then she turned around to face me. “I agree. And what else can I say but you’re right. As for you failing me, I wouldn’t necessarily say it like that, but you did disappoint me. I never thought we’d be here and—”

  I touched the side of Nokea’s face. “Baby, I disappointed myself even more. And through all of this, I learned more about me and you.”

  Nokea smiled. “Like what? What did you learn from this?”

  I got comfortable and laid my head on Nokea’s lap. She lay back on the pillow and started rubbing her fingers through my hair. “I love it when you do that,” I said, referring to the way she touched my hair. “I realized some of the reasons behind my selfish and controlling ways. I think I figured out how to overcome, and it starts with you.”

  “How so?”

  “When I look back on my life, Nokea, I see myself as an only child. Anything I wanted, my mother did her best to get it for me. When she was killed, I had to fend for myself. I was only nine years old. I had to think of ways that I could make my life better. When my grandfather’s money came along, I jumped into this all-about-me mode, and it worked well for me. I paid for college; I bought my first house; I found the best job ever.... I basically took care of everything. As far as I was concerned, nobody could enhance my life, as I had done it for myself. When the women started to come along, I felt as if all they could give me was sex.

  “With you, I had a lifelong friendship that I felt would be with me forever, no matter what! As time went on, sadly, I took advantage of that. I could never get out of this all-about-me mode. For a man who has had control over everything around him, it’s been so difficult to allow someone to come in and make decisions about my life. Married or not, I wanted my way, because in the past, my way got me everything in life that I needed. Now my selfish way of thinking has finally caught up with me. I’ve lost the most important person in my life. For the first time, I have no control over what will ultimately happen between us. You’ll decide, and our future is in your hands. I feel good about this, because I’ve gotten to the point where I can allow myself to step back. I’m not going to pressure you, and I want you to take as much time as you need to figure out what is right for you. You know what I want. For me to say what I want doesn’t matter, that’s a big step for me.”

  “Huge step,” Nokea added.

  “Okay, huge step. But it’s up to you, baby. And whatever you decide, if it’s not in my best interest, I just have to live with it.”

  “At this point, what is it that you want?”

  “I want you to move back home and live out the rest of your life with me. I want to cuddle and make love to you every single day, and I want us to raise our children together. I want you to have more of my babies, and for us to someday move into an even bigger house than the one we already have. I want us to be happy again, and I want you to trust everything there is about me, feeling as if I have your back and knowing that I will always have your best interest at heart. I’m aware that you still have issues with Scorpio, but I will give you the key to her place, her address and her phone number. I have nothing to hide anymore. If you ever think I’m doing something behind your back, you can go see for yourself. Our recent connection has been more so about Justin and Mackenzie. I need my children in my life, and Scorpio just happens to be their mother. I know all of that may take some time to swallow, but those, indeed, are my wishes. What do you want?”

  Nokea sat silently again. She looked up at the high, blank, vaulted ceiling and closed her eyes. “Right now, I want a friendship with you that can be respected, no matter what the future holds for us. I want to get my business off the ground, take care of my children and simply be happy. What you want will take some time. Even though I would love to give you everything that you want right now, I have to be realistic. You hurt me bad, Jaylin. More than you had ever done in your life, and I’m going through the healing process right now. I still do not trust you. Every time you mention Scorpio’s name, I get uneasy. I don’t like that feeling. Once things settle down, I can’t predict where things will stand. I do still love you, though, and the true words from my heart are all that I can offer to you right now.

  “As we both continue to deal with this, I would like for you to think about seeing a counselor. You know ... someone you can talk to, other than me, Nanny B or Shane. It may help, and I think there are still some things about your past you’re not dealing with. Like the loss of your mother, and then your father, as well as your daughter Jasmine and Stephon. You brush too much under the rug. I want you to start dealing with some of the hurt that is inside you. I know how you feel about counseling, but maybe it will help.”

  I listened and considered for a moment before answering. “I’ll think about it. And pertaining to us, knowing that you still love me will have to be enough to get me through my difficult days ahead without you.” I lifted my head to peck Nokea’s lips. Afterward, I sat up and started to pour our wine so we could toast to new beginnings.

  “What’s in the box?” Nokea asked.

  “Open it and see,” I suggested.

  She opened the box and pulled out the colored architectural designs Shane had sketched for her new clothing store. He hooked up the design with everything from the dressing rooms to the sitting areas. An oval counter was in the middle of the floor, and racks, as well as shelving spaces, were sketched out too. Even the two huge bay windows in the front were decked out with pink-and-green awnings, which had Nokea’s name scripted on them. I had an awesome vision of what her place would look like, and I figured she’d choose something pertaining to fashion.

  “So what do you think?” I asked, giving her a glass of wine.

  She smiled. “Since you’ve been in control of this, I think your ideas were well thought out.”

  I pointed to my chest. “Who me? I won’t be in control, you’ll be. I was just trying to help. If you want to scrap the whole thing, you can. Come up with your own ideas, and you can do whatever you want to do with this place. Hell, open up a strip club, for all I care, as long as it’s yours.”

  She chuckled. “No, I won’t be doing that, but I—I do like—love—the design Shane created. Thank you so much. I already have a vision of what this place will look like in less than a year.”

  Th
is time, Nokea leaned forward and kissed me. As the kiss intensified, I lay back and she rested her body on top of mine. “By any chance, are we visualizing the same thing right now?” I asked.

  “We’re always on the same page, aren’t we?”

  “I hope so. I know we’re not married anymore, but I hope I can still get it at least once or twice a week. Is that possible?”

  Nokea rubbed her nose against mine. “No way. Maybe once a month, but definitely not once or twice a week.”

  “Damn. You drive a hard bargain. And if you minimize me to once a month, all I can do is feel sorry for you. You are going to need an ice pack for that pussy, and our time together will be nothing pretty.”

  “Yes, it will. And just like tonight, I’m going to look forward to many interesting days ahead to come.”

  I eased up, reaching into the pocket of my trench coat. I gave Nokea a suede black box. She looked at it, already knowing what was inside. “I don’t know what you’ve done with your wedding ring, but I suspect that it may be somewhere in the trash. I’m never going to take off my ring. Whenever you’re ready, I want you to put this back on and wear it. Can you do that for me, please?”

  Nokea opened the box and was hit with the sparkle from a 5.5-carat radiant-cut diamond ring, which was even bigger than the one she’d had before. I knew the size of the diamond never mattered much to her, but it did to me. She was so deserving.

  “You know you didn’t have to do this. And why would you waste your money on something like this when all I ever wanted was to—”

  I placed my fingers on her lips. “I know what you’re getting ready to say. I just want you to wear it. Every time you look at it, it will remind you of the many wonderful times we’ve had in the past, as well as what’s coming in our future. We’ve come a long way, baby, and we still have a longer way to go together.”

  Nokea bit her bottom lip and sighed. “Again, I’m well aware of what you want, but don’t forget about what I want. I will put this on if or whenever I’m ready. The last thing I want to do is hurt your feelings.”

  “I understand. Just keep it, and I know you’ll take good care of it.”

  “I will,” Nokea said, standing up. She reached for my hand. “Come on, let’s go. I want to go somewhere and have some laugh-out-loud fun. What about you?”

  “I thought we were getting ready to,” I said, standing up. “What about—”

  This time, Nokea put her fingers on my lips. “We’ll get to that real soon. You being inside me makes me so emotional. Even though it’s a good feeling, I don’t want to express those kinds of emotions tonight.”

  “I know how that is, and I really meant what I said about this being your call. In the meantime, I know of an interesting place we can go. I may not be dressed for the occasion, but what the hell?”

  After we gave a toast to new beginnings, we gathered our things and left. We went to a carnival that I had taken the kids to a while back. They had so much fun, and I figured that Nokea and I would too. We walked, arm in arm, licking an ice-cream cone and sharing cotton candy. I looked like a fool in 80-degree weather with my trench coat on, but I had my woman by my side and didn’t care. I won two stuffed animals for her; and when we got on the Ferris wheel, Nokea laid her head on my shoulder. It really did feel like a first date for us, where I had a feeling that the woman I was with would one day become my wife.

  “Are you enjoying our date so far?” I asked.

  “Yep. And you really seem like a nice man.”

  “That’s because I am. I meant to tell you that I already got five kids, but the fifth one I can’t seem to find. I hate it too, but I guess it’s something that I’ll have to live with. Six ... seven kids, I think, is my lucky number. I may decide to quit after that, and I hope you’re interested in having some more babies with me.”

  “Well, this is only our first date, and I’m not trying to make a baby with someone I barely know. Let me get to know you for a while longer. After that, we’ll see how it goes.” Nokea paused and turned my face to hers. “I know your kids will give you everything you’ve always wanted, but I’ve been asking myself, ‘Exactly where do I fit in?’ It’s so easy for you to say that you’ve forgiven me for what I did to our baby, but I know you, Jaylin. You’ll hold it against me. Your children keep every breath in you, and they are the ones who make you whole. They basically have ownership of your heart. I have part of it, but not like they do. I have to decide if that will ever be enough for me.”

  In no way was I going to dispute what Nokea had said. Actually, Scorpio had said the same thing to me. My kids were my world. Now that I had them with me every single day of my life, I knew I couldn’t go wrong. As the Ferris wheel spun around, I thought about how “day three” was already progressing.

  Nokea spoke up about it before I did. “Day three, Mr. Rogers, and thus far, things are going pretty good. I would love for you to take me on another date, and I suspect it will be soon.”

  “You can bet it will be. But I hope I don’t have to get you tipsy like you were the night before last. I wanted to choke you for thinking I was Shane. You’d better not be thinking about that fool like that, and I almost cut the action right then and there.”

  She laughed. “I knew exactly who you were. I was teasing you. I thought you’d get a kick out of what I’d said. Even if I were a bit confused, you quickly cleared that up for me.”

  “Go ahead and clean your shit up. That was pretty good, but I’ll give you a pass on that, since you brought me back to life that night. I was like a kid in the candy store and I’ve been on a major high ever since.”

  Nokea laughed and put up two fingers. “Two kids in a candy store. It was definitely a night to remember.”

  We continued to go round and round on the Ferris wheel, laughing and talking as if our lives had not missed one beat. Afterward, I walked Nokea to her truck and put her stuffed animals in the backseat. She told me that she didn’t want me to come to her place, but she agreed to go on another date soon. I was cool with that. After one last good-night kiss, I watched as she drove away.

  The next morning, I was knocked out in my bed, resting peacefully. I’d been sleeping pretty well lately. In my sleep, I was thinking about my date with Nokea. I tossed and turned in my bed. When I felt someone lick my face, I smiled. I just knew it was her, telling me she was moving back in and trying to wake me from my sleep.

  “Stop it, girl,” I moaned. “Stop kissing on me like that.” The licks continued, but they became a little annoying. “Baby, is that your breath smelling like that? Something ain’t right with it.”

  When I heard a growl, I jumped from my sleep. I quickly sat up, only to see a dog in bed next to me. It was an enormous mastiff that was sitting with its tongue hanging out of its mouth, occasionally barking.

  “Since when did we get a dog!” I yelled, and pounded my fist on the bed. “Who let this gotdamn dog in the house! Whoever did it, there will damn sure be repercussions !”

  The dog jumped off my bed, and hiked up his leg to pee on the side of it. “Hell nah,” I said, tossing off the covers. From the other side of my bed, I saw Jaylene ease her head up and peek over the bed.

  “Are you the one responsible for this?” I asked in a higher pitch. “Where in the hell did you get that dog from?”

  She climbed up onto the bed, lying next to me and batting her adorable eyes. “I found him outside, Daddy. Can we keep him, please? His name is Bo-Bo.”

  “How do you know what his name is?”

  She shrugged and held out her hands. “It’s what I named him. Can I keep him?”

  I put my hand on my forehead and squeezed it. If the dog didn’t have an owner, it was obvious that we would be adding him to our family soon. Damn, I really had to man up when it came to my kids. No doubt. I put Jaylene on my back and we headed out of the room to find Bo-Bo. I was hooked like I never thought I’d be. No matter what happened in Jaylin’s World in the future, I had the loves of my life forever with
me. My kids.

  Eventually I took Nokea’s advice about going to see a counselor. Maybe I did have some issues that I hadn’t addressed, and they were affecting some of the unfortunate things about me: things that related to my feelings for women in general, how I really felt about the loss of my mother and how much I’d hated Simone for disappearing with my daughter. My time in the orphanage had affected me more than I was willing to admit, so I found a brotha to talk to who came highly recommended by Tiffanie. She said that she’d seen him before, and mentioned how easy he was to talk to. I got out of my new Aston Martin, dressed in a sheer button-down white shirt and dark jeans. My eyes were hidden behind my dark shades, and the expensive cologne I wore was a head turner. When I entered the counselor’s office, the bubbly receptionist greeted me with a bright smile. I looked at my Rolex; it was almost three o’clock.

  “I’m here to see Mr. Moore. My name, Jaylin Rogers.”

  “Have a seat, Mr. Rogers. I’ll let him know you’re here.”

  I took a seat in one of the three fancy black leather chairs, resting my elbows on my knees. I couldn’t believe I was about to do this. Putting my business out there to someone I didn’t know would be tough. Even I had to admit that I’d been holding in a lot of things that needed to come out. I would do whatever to make things right with Nokea, and this, indeed, was a start. I knew it would also help me too, so what the hell? Before I could pick up the sports magazine next to me, Mr. Moore came out to greet me. He was tall, almost like a basketball player. Had a bald head, with a dark complexion. He looked to be about my age, so I immediately felt at ease.

  “Jaylin,” he said, holding his hand out for me to shake it. I stood to shake his hand.

  “Yes, Mr. Moore. I’m delighted to meet you.”