He smiled. “Delvin. Feel free to call me Delvin.”
I nodded and we headed back to his office. As soon as we entered, he took a seat behind his glass-topped square desk, neat as a pin. A wedding picture of him and his wife was on top of it, as well as a picture of a boy, who I assumed was his son. He asked me to have a seat on the leather burgundy chaise in front of his desk, so I did.
“Feel free to get comfortable,” Delvin said. “And can I get you anything before we get started? Water, juice, tea?”
Feeling a little uneasy, I removed my shades and started to rub my goatee softly. “Nah, I’m good. Thanks, though.”
Delvin first gave me at least a half-hour spill about who he was and how he could help me. We discussed his fees, along with more of his credentials. I was impressed, not only by him, but also by the numerous plaques hanging on his walls from accomplishments. I started to feel comfortable, so I sat back on the chaise with my arms resting on top of it.
“So,” Delvin said, “let’s talk and be as honest as you can about your answers. We’ll start with your marriage, since you mentioned that a little bit on the phone. Are you still married?”
“I am; she’s not.”
He smiled. “Legally?”
“Legally I’m still married; in her mind, she’s not.”
“So, realistically, legally you’re divorced; in your mind, you’re not.”
“Let’s sum this up and move on. I’m still married to my wife, and will always be.”
He paused for a moment, writing something on the paper in front of him. “Tell me how you feel about your control issues, Jaylin.”
I shrugged. “What about them?”
“I mean, some men like you, with power and money, tend to feel as if they can control everyone and everything around them. Specifically, their women. And when they are the sole providers, these men often feel as if they have a right to do whatever they wish. Do you see where I’m going with this?”
“I see exactly where you’re going, and I will admit that your statement applies to me. But let’s just say I’m working on it, because having that mentality has caused me some setbacks.”
“Well, at least you recognize it. And would you say your ways are more narcissistic too?”
“That will be for you to determine. For now, I’ll just say that I control what I can, and it bothers me if I can’t.”
“So you’re stuck on this ‘your way or no way’ mentality?”
“Exactly.”
“What does that stem from?”
I shrugged again. “Don’t know. That’s why I’m here.”
“Then let’s see if we can get to the root of the problem. Tell me about your past. Mainly about your mother, father, siblings, et cetera.”
“Mother was killed; father died a few years back. I have stepsiblings, and I don’t know much about them.”
“How did you feel when you lost your parents?”
“That’s a stupid-ass question. How would one feel about losing their parents?”
He laid his pen down. “Not all people are saddened by the loss of a parent. My question is how did you deal with it?”
“I didn’t. After my mother was killed, I had bigger fish to fry. Went into survival mode and had to man up at an early age. As for my father, after my mother was killed, he jetted. His death, however, was a disappointment.”
“How was your mother killed and was her killer or killers ever found?”
“Found and convicted, but I don’t wish to get into the details about what he did to her. Too painful.”
“Talking about it may help, but when she was killed, whom did you live with? A family member?”
My mind traveled back to living in that orphanage. It was so lonely there, and I hated it. I had a hard time coping with the loss of my mother, but a lady named Nadine was so nice to me. Or so I thought. She was the first person who gave me oral sex and asked me to perform on her. Had to be at least in her late twenties and I had fallen head over heels for her. Next thing I knew, many of the other boys were saying things about her and she got fired. As the years went on, I felt guilty about what I had done to her, and about what I allowed her to do to me. I knew it was wrong, but I never said a word to anyone.
“I lived in an orphanage for a while and disliked it. Then I moved in with my aunt Betty.”
“How was she?”
“She was a bitch. Didn’t care much for her.”
“Why not?”
“She was abusive and I don’t do drug addicts.”
He smirked. “I can understand that, but, uh, do me a favor and go back to when you were in the orphanage. I know you disliked it, but why?”
I sighed. “Because I preferred to be in a home with my mother.”
“Did you ever feel as if even though your mother was killed, it was somehow her fault that you were sent to an orphanage?”
“Sometimes. More so when I was a child.”
“What about any mother figures at the orphanage? Did you cling to anyone in particular that helped you cope with your pain?”
“No. I did have sex with one of the staff members, but she was fired.”
“So, are you saying you were molested by—”
“Correction, it was consensual. I didn’t mind at all. The oral sex felt good, and what she did to me helped me forget about some pain I was going through.”
“But you were only a child, and she was an adult. You were probably too young to understand—”
“I know where you’re going with this, but nobody did anything to me that I didn’t want them to do. Let’s move on.”
He wrote something on his paper; then he cleared his throat. “How do you feel about women, Jaylin? Then tell me about your ex-wife.”
Delvin’s referring to Nokea as my “ex-wife” was starting to upset me. I made it clear that she was in no way my ex. “I feel ecstatic about women, especially my wife. I guess the only woman I may currently have some anger toward is my oldest daughter’s mother, Simone, who jetted years ago with my daughter. I haven’t seen her since she was one. Other than that, I’m delighted that women can give me babies, and something about that just impresses the hell out of me.”
“What if they can’t give you a baby? Do you still find them useful?”
“Of course.”
“Then let’s talk infidelity issues. Did you have them in your now ex-marriage?”
Strike two, I thought. Throwing this ex thing up wasn’t working for me. “Minimal infidelity issues. With an ex that I still had some feelings for. She had my baby, and the news shook up some things in my marriage.”
“I’m sure it did. But why wasn’t that child conceived with your wife? Can she have children?”
I paused, thinking about Nokea being unable to conceive a child. Yeah, it had been upsetting to me, but I never saw it as a reason to get back with Scorpio. “My wife and I have two beautiful children. She had an incident that prohibited her from having any more children, or so we thought. She’s all good now, and I know she can conceive another child.”
“So when you thought she couldn’t have any more children, you strayed?”
“That’s not the reason behind my infidelity issues.”
“Are you sure about that? I mean, you said, and I quote, ‘I’m delighted that women can give me babies.’ Maybe you weren’t excited about your marriage because you thought your wife couldn’t conceive any more children.”
I shrugged. “Maybe. Maybe not. Let’s move on.”
Delvin sighed. “Okay, Jaylin. You say you’re ecstatic about women; yet for years, you felt as if your mother left you behind. You hated your aunt for being abusive, and you were molested by a woman who worked at an orphanage. Thoughts of Simone still upset you. Could it be possible that you’ve made the woman whom you say you love pay for what these other women have done to you? If so, you have to let all of that go, or else you will run her completely away, if you already haven’t. Sometimes we hurt the ones we love the most, especially when
we don’t understand or recognize where the hurt inside us comes from. Do you get what I’m saying?”
I had no words, for everything he’d said to me was possible. Could I have made my loving wife pay for the hurt I had felt deep inside from others? The thought of it just tore me apart.
Delvin took a moment to jot some things on paper. I sat, thinking more about what he’d implied. The shit did make sense. In addition to that, I had given up too soon on Nokea having my baby, even though it was my fault that she couldn’t. Damn... this was so fucked up.
“Jaylin, I’m going to pencil you in for next week. I think that’s enough for today. When you come back, I’d like to talk more about your ex-wife and your mistress. We’ll delve more into your background and ...”
By this time, I was standing up. I put the palms of my hands on his desk, approaching him, man to half man. “For the record, I won’t be coming back. And just as much as you can read me, I can read you too. As a client, who is adding to your wealth, if I tell you that my wife is no ex, then you need to accept what I say. If I tell you that it irks the hell out of me when a man does not look into my eyes and prefers to gaze between my legs, I mean it.... Your looks are disturbing to me and so are your greasy lips. And if I tell you that from a distance, I can see that you are only scribbling on your paper; then I’d have to also tell you to take your so-called evaluation and shove it up your loose ass. Now you’ve wasted enough of my time, and only because some of the shit you said made me think, please look forward to your check in the mail.”
I snatched up my shades and covered my eyes with them. On my way to the door, Delvin called my name. I turned.
“Is there any way that we can do lunch? I used to feel the same way about men too, but you can’t knock it if you haven’t tried it. I’m just saying.”
This motherfucker wasn’t even worth my time. I cut my eyes, and kept it moving. By the time I reached my car, I had my cell phone in my hand.
“Hello,” Nanny B answered.
“Say, we need to talk. I want to share some things with you and I need your advice.”
“Sure. Where are you?”
“I’m on my way home.”
“Okay. I just finished dinner, and it’s your favorite.”
I smiled. “Thank you. I love you, and I’ll see you soon.”
“With all of my heart, I love you too.”
I shut my phone. Who in the hell thought I needed a counselor when I had Nanny B? I couldn’t wait to tell Nokea about my visit today, and more than anything, I hoped that the explanation for some of my actions would be good enough for her. No ... not good enough for anyone else, but definitely for her. After all, she was the only one who mattered.
Epilogue
NOKEA
A year ago, if someone had told me this is where my life would be, I wouldn’t have believed them. If I was told I’d be able to heal from the hurt that was dealt to me, I would have suggested, “Never.” Yesterday I cut the ribbon for the grand opening at Nokea’s Place. The place was packed with people who wanted to come out and see my new clothing line I’d specifically designed for classy women.
While others browsed around, I stood by the dressing rooms, waiting for one of my customers to come out. She was trying on an after-five black silk dress I’d designed. It had a hint of lace around the neckline. I was anxious to see how it looked on her. She came out with her hands on her hips, smiling and looking spectacular as ever. Many people crowded around her, sharing how the dress made her look so fabulous.
“You have never looked that good,” a friend of hers said, and laughed. “If you don’t buy it, I’m buying it for you.”
The lady turned around, while observing herself in the oval mirror in front of her. “Oh, I’m buying this, so you don’t have to buy me anything. This is beautiful, and it is unlike any dress I’ve ever tried to squeeze these hips into.”
I was overjoyed by the glee in the woman’s eyes. I finally felt that my life was coming full circle. My assistant told the woman she would bring her some other items to try on. That’s when I stepped behind one of the decorative tables that held an array of my fragrance line called Jaylene’s.
“You have got to sample this,” I said, spraying a dash of the perfume and applying lotion on the wrists of several of the ladies in front of me. The sweet fragrance lit up the air. Yet again, the women loved it!
“That smells awesome,” one woman said. “I’m going to get the complete set for my sisters and my mother.”
“Yay,” Jaylene and Mackenzie said in unison, standing next to me and high-fiving each other.
The women laughed and congratulated us on our success. Jaylene had been such a big help to me; and surprisingly, so had Mackenzie. She and Jaylene had gotten so close, you would never see one of them without the other. They had this big/little sister thing going on that turned out to be a beautiful thing. Mackenzie was into the clothing thing like me, and instead of adding her name to the fragrance line, we were in the process of creating a girls clothing line just for her. I named it Kenzie Wear and she helped me come up with a dazzling line of clothes for girls from eight to twelve. We had a lot of outside help too, and the seven people whom I hired worked tirelessly to help me pull this off. They remained as my staff, and I couldn’t have made it through this whole process without them.
Another person I couldn’t have done this without was, of course, Jaylin. He was so supportive of my ideas. He sat in one of the leather chairs, staring at me, and the look in his eyes said it all. I strutted over to him and took a seat.
“Why are you watching my every move?” I asked, smiling.
“Because I’m so proud of you, baby. I knew you could do it. Life may have had some setbacks, but remember, setbacks are always setups for bigger and better things to come.”
I couldn’t have agreed with Jaylin more; he was so right. He’d given me all of the space I needed to get this done, and not once did he demand anything from me. He was ecstatic about my growing relationship with Mackenzie. When it came to Justin, as expected, I still had some work to do. The only way for me to get past all of the hurt that I had built up inside me was to forgive Jaylin. I’d made myself miserable by being so bitter and unforgiving. Being that way was so out of character for me; but at the time, I didn’t see how it was affecting me. My healing began right after I sat down with Jaylin at dinner one day, pouring my heart out to him about how I truly felt about his betrayal.
He continued to apologize, and he tried to explain how being constantly approached by women was challenging. According to him, he had done his best to remain faithful, and loving me had helped, or so he’d thought. I reminded him how challenging being his wife was as well. It was so hard loving a man who was desired by many. Even though I felt confident about myself, I knew there were plenty of women who would do anything for him.
That day, I told Jaylin the truth. I didn’t trust his relationship with Scorpio, and I could never handle being Nokea Rogers again. Those shoes were, and had always been, too big to fill. He was so worried about me being with someone else, or seeking revenge; but running to another man, as I had done with Collins, had never crossed my mind. I had done that before and had hurt a man who in no way deserved it. Maybe it was Karma finding its way back to me? Either way, this time, I realized that I didn’t need another man to help clean up my mess, nor did I need one during my downtime to make me feel whole. I was surprised that I could go many months without being with Jaylin, and it was obvious that he needed me way more than I needed him.
Still, I kept thinking ... if God could forgive Jaylin, why couldn’t I? Besides, we had been through too much for me to have any kind of hate for him inside me. As I looked back on what had happened to us, I felt grateful for our challenges. They had made me stronger and wiser. They had made me realize that no matter how perfect our lives might have looked on the outside, our lives weren’t exempt from challenges. Just like a woman who lived in the ghetto, a woman with a master’s degree
, or an athlete’s wife with all of the money she could spend ... we could all find ourselves in the same predicament. I tackled mine as best as I could. For me, I now have no regrets.
Basically, I had to give up some things, in order to gain a lot. I do believe that everything happens for a reason. Had it not been for this last incident with Jaylin, I wasn’t sure if I’d be in the position that I was in today. Now I felt free, and the only person’s hands on the steering wheel were mine! I was living my dream, and my daughter had a mother she could look up to and be proud of. I didn’t have to live in Jaylin’s World, unless I wanted, and I had definitely created a world of my own. For so long, I’d focused too much on what Jaylin was doing, and should or could have been focused on what I needed to do with my own life. My solution was simple.... I had to remove him from the driver’s seat, find myself and live out my biggest dream. That kept me busy and away from unnecessary foolishness.
I wasn’t even sure about Jaylin’s current status with Scorpio; but to be honest with you, I didn’t even care. He’d made it his business to tell me that nothing was going on. Also, the few times that I had spoken to Scorpio while Mackenzie was with me, Scorpio said that she had gotten back to playwriting, something that she had done aside from stripping, when she first met Jaylin. She was preparing herself to put some of her plays in production. According to her, she and Jaylin were only dealing with each other because of the children. She said that she’d been dating again, and spoke about how much she enjoyed living in Miami Beach, Florida. I rarely had much to say to her, but I always wished her well.
I had no clue how the dating thing had gone over with Jaylin, but he knew better than to say anything to me about it. I was in a different place in my life, and he was aware that none of that mattered to me anymore. He seemed pretty upbeat, and most of his time was dedicated to his children, especially his sons. They went everywhere with Jaylin, and so did Shane and his son. They were all about making money, and I had never seen a team of men who were so ambitious. That was a good thing, and I don’t think people gave enough credit to the black men of the world like them, who took care of their children and provided for their families. That’s what I loved about Jaylin the most, and it was that side of him that I would love forever.
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