The Five Stages of Falling in Love

by Rachel Higginson

  My dad, Matthew Ferris, looked like the banker he used to be even in his late sixties, except for the tiara perched atop his head. His strong nose and angular jaw gave him the visage of a man in charge. Until his grandchildren surrounded him. Then he turned into a big puddle of grandpa and spoiled them rotten.

  My mother, Julia, stood next to my Kuerig, already brewing me a cup. She looked sleepy still, hugging a cup of her own coffee and dressed in her fuzzy pink pajama pants.

  “I thought we would wake you up.” She passed the hot coffee to me and I inhaled deeply. “We were so loud down here. Did you take a sleeping pill?”

  “No,” I told her. “I haven’t taken one in a long time. I’ve started to sleep better lately.”

  “Oh,” her soft voice pulled on my heart. My mother was the sweetest woman I knew and she had been incredible during this time. Both of my parents were great actually. They loved each other deeply. One of the hardest things for them about Grady’s death was that I wouldn’t get to grow old with him. They felt they had something unique and beautifully special. They had wanted the same thing for me.

  I looked out the windows to the snow-covered backyard. “I should go shovel the drive before we need to go anywhere.”

  “You didn’t hire it done?” my dad asked while he pulled Jace onto his long legs.

  “No, but that’s a good idea.” I wondered if Dillan, the kid I hired to mow over the summer, was back for Christmas break. I could give him a call…

  “Then who’s out there shoveling it? I thought you paid a man or I would have done it myself.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Liz, there’s a man out there shoveling your walk right now.”

  My stomach flipped as I hurried to the front door. My family room had a nice view of the front yard and part of Ben’s yard, but I had to go to my front door to see the driveway. I held my coffee carefully in my hands so not to spill it, but I had to confirm my suspicions.

  I opened the door and stepped out onto the shoveled porch in just my slippers. The cold, icy air bit at my skin and blew up my thin pajamas. I shivered in the morning air as I took in the sight of Ben working his way up and down my long drive.

  “Hey!” I called out to him. His head lifted to face me, and even though he wore a stocking cap and a scarf that covered half of his face, I could see his eyes brighten with a smile. “I hope you’re not expecting a tip!”

  His shoulders shook as he laughed at my joke. He stuck the shovel into a snowbank and walked over to me, tugging his scarf down as he went.

  “No tip? I quit.”

  “You can’t quit!” I squeaked. “You’re only halfway finished.”

  He grinned at me. “And it doesn’t look like you’ll get out here anytime soon, lazy bones. Did the kids let you sleep in this morning?”

  I handed him my coffee without thinking. He took it and held it in front of his face for a minute before taking a healthy drink.

  “My parents flew in yesterday,” I reminded him. “They let me have some peace. Well, after Jace, Abby and Lucy all woke up and got out of my bed.”

  “Oh, that’s right. They’re the ones responsible for ruining wine night.”

  I shook my head at him. “I’m sure you survived.”

  “Well, I drank the wine, if that’s what you’re implying.”

  “All of it?”

  He laughed into my coffee, “I’m teasing. I saved it for you.”

  “Of course you did! I’m so much more fun than drinking by yourself.”

  “Yeah, our two glasses of wine once a week, really blow my mind.”

  “You’re so full of yourself today. It must be the snow. It’s gone straight to your head.”

  I reached out and tucked a stray strand of hair back into his stocking cap. It had fallen over his eyes and was undoubtedly adorable, but I knew it had to bother him while he tried to work.

  His skin was so cold to my touch. I pressed my hand against his face, hoping to help warm him up.

  I watched his eyes darken at the gesture and my stomach flipped again.

  “I missed you last night, Liz.”

  His rumble of words hit me straight in the belly and caused tingles to ripple out from my center. I took a steadying breath and tried to banish my hormones.

  This had been happening more and more lately. He had somehow infiltrated my life in as many ways as he could. He ate dinner at our house often and came over after the kids were in bed to talk over wine or popcorn. He helped me around the house and in the yard and even helped Blake with his math homework occasionally.

  I had gotten used to seeing him almost every day and when our schedules didn’t line up or we spent our evenings apart, there were always text messages to exchange or short phone calls to check in.

  I wasn’t surprised to see him out shoveling my walk without asking him to do so, but I was so grateful that he chose to help me. I was like this never-ending charity case for him and he was my mega hot Good Samaritan.

  I knew our relationship was unconventional, but I couldn’t stop myself from drawing closer to him. He had saved me more times than once. And more than that, I really enjoyed spending time with him.

  “Liz, is everything okay?” My mom’s voice saved me from replying to Ben’s sweet words.

  “Hi, Mom.” I sounded ridiculously breathless. My cheeks heated with a mixture of shame and embarrassment. “I, um, I’m just talking with Ben. Ben this is my mom Julia. Mom, this is Ben, my next-door neighbor. He’s the one shoveling the drive.”

  “Hi, Ben.” My mom extended her slender hand, only to be swallowed up in Ben’s big, gloved one.

  “Hi, Julia. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

  “Thank you for shoveling for us. That is very generous.” I watched my mother assess Ben from head to toe and I felt guilt all over again. I didn’t know what this looked like to her, but I could only imagine the thoughts running through her head. Especially because Ben still held my coffee cup.

  “He’s just being neighborly,” I explained quickly. “Ben is the best neighbor. He helps out a lot.”

  Ben’s face flashed with irritation and I immediately regretted my words, but it was too late now. I should be able to explain Ben to my mom without feeling this sick to my stomach. Ben and I weren’t anything but friends. I didn’t understand where this acidic feeling of indignity came from.

  “Just being neighborly,” he repeated with a very unamused voice.

  “We’re friends too,” I blurted. “We’ve become friends. Good friends. The kids love him.” Oh, god, I needed to stop.

  “Then I should thank you for that too,” my mom offered. “Liz’s father and I have been so frustrated by how far away we live. It eases my mind that there’s someone close by she can count on.”

  “Liz can definitely count on me,” Ben told her. “Like she said, I’m the best neighbor.”

  Oh, good grief.

  The kids started screaming in the background, fighting over something or other, probably my dad. My mom excused herself to go check on them.

  “I’m so sorry,” I whispered as soon as she disappeared. I didn’t even know what I was apologizing for; I just knew I owed Ben some kind of explanation.

  “What’s there to be sorry for, neighbor?” He handed me back my cup that had cooled considerably from the winter wind.

  I shivered on the door step, unsure how to proceed with Ben. “I’m an idiot. You’re obviously more than my neighbor.”

  “A friend, right?” But his words tasted bitter.

  “Ben, I’m not sure what-”

  His fierce expression softened and his shoulders relaxed. “I am your friend, Liz. We’re good friends.”

  “Right,” I whispered against the clenching feeling in my chest. “Good friends.”

  My dad appeared behind me suddenly. “Matthew Ferris,” he all but shouted. He stuck his hand in Ben’s face and exerted his lifetime of distinguished authority figure. “I hear you’re the one we have to tha
nk for the driveway.”

  Ben graciously shook my dad’s hand. “Ben Tyler. It’s nice to meet you, Matthew.”

  “And what do you do for a living, Ben?”

  “Really, dad?” Ben was never going to talk to me again after this morning. If he hadn’t thought of me as a head case before this moment, then he would have no choice but to now.

  But Ben was apparently used to crazy people. He gave my dad a charming smile and said, “I’m a lawyer.”

  That settled dad down some. But I still felt the need to explain, “Ben’s dad is going to retire in a few years, so Ben is transitioning to take over their firm.”

  “Oh,” my dad muttered, unable to come up with a legitimate reason to hate Ben based on his occupation. “Well, that’s… good for you, son. I’ll just go find your mother now, Elizabeth, and see what she’s up to.”

  “Good idea, Dad.”

  “Nice to meet you, Ben.” My dad practically ran into the kitchen.

  “Are your parents scouting me?” His earlier irritation had disappeared and been replaced with his usual amusement.

  I shivered and looked toward the kitchen. “Something like that. I haven’t mentioned you before; I think they’re beyond curious.”

  He let out a frustrated sigh that made me turn to meet his dark gaze. “Have I told you before that you can be aggravating?”

  “Once or twice.”

  “Will I see you at all this week?”

  I shook my head and stared into my coffee, ignoring the sinking feeling in my stomach. “My parents are staying with me through New Years.”

  “Mmm,” he acknowledged. “I’d better get back to shoveling. And you should get out of this cold.”

  I looked up and braved his warm gaze. “I’m going to miss wine night,” I whispered.

  His eyes heated up and whatever tension had been left from our awkwardness earlier floated away. “Call or text me. I, at least, want to hear that you remembered to buy milk.”

  My heart jumped in my chest. “Miss me that much?”

  “Miss you more than that much.”

  My lips parted in surprise, but as usual he left me to stare after him. He readjusted his scarf to cover his mouth and walked back to his shovel.

  I hurried inside, suddenly aware of how cold I was. I carried my cooled coffee back to the kitchen and rinsed it out in the sink. I had just started a new cup when I felt my parents’ presence fill up the space behind me.

  “He’s your neighbor?” My mother’s voice sounded incredibly suspicious.

  I turned around to face the inquiry. What were they thinking about me? I immediately imagined the worst.

  What kind of woman made friends with other men nine months after her husband died? What kind of woman flirted with another man nine months after her husband died?

  I winced internally. Not a good woman. I knew that much.

  “Yes, my neighbor. He moved in a few months ago. He’s been… honestly, he’s been great. The kids love him. He’s helped out so much. I just… he’s just a really nice guy.”

  “He seems like a nice guy,” my mom admitted softly. “He also seems very interested in you.”

  My dad looked between the two of us, carefully gaging our tension. His heavy arm wrapped around my shoulders and he pulled me into the sanctuary of his embrace. This was the safest place I knew of now that Grady was dead and I couldn’t help but feel small and childish wrapped in my daddy’s arms. But it was a good feeling. “He’d be crazy not to be interested in you.”

  I smiled through blurry tears. “We’re just friends.” I had repeated that simple line so many times that it had started to chafe my throat whenever I forced the words out.

  My mom reached out to squeeze my arm. Her voice never rose above a whisper, “It’s okay to move on, Lizzy.”

  “No, it’s not,” I hiccupped on a broken sob.

  “It is,” my dad rumbled against my temple. “Grady never would have wanted you to be alone for the rest of your life. You have too much on your plate. I’m not saying that this is the man to move on with. I just want you to open up to the possibility. You don’t have to do this alone. We all understand.”

  I loved my father, but I hated his words. Didn’t he know how much I loved Grady? I’d said vows that would last forever. I promised to love one man for the rest of my life.

  And those were not empty vows. I meant them the day I got married and I still meant them today. Nobody could compete with the man that Grady was.

  I didn’t even want to try to find a man as good as the only man I’d ever loved.

  Ben was a great guy and I enjoyed spending time with him. I could admit, even if I didn’t want to, that I even enjoyed flirting with him occasionally. But I had never thought about him seriously like that.

  We were neighbors. We were also friends. But there were no other feelings between us.

  “It’s too soon,” I cried to my parents. “It’s way too soon to even think about that. I can’t… I couldn’t… I could never do that to Grady.”

  “Oh, Sweetheart.” My mother’s arms wrapped around my back and I felt her hot tears fall on my shoulder. “Grady is gone, Lizzy. He’s gone forever. You’re not doing anything to him. He would never begrudge you for falling for someone else. You have got to give yourself some forgiveness. Don’t tie yourself up in his memory for the rest of your life and miss what else could be out there.”

  “Are you telling me to find someone?” The disbelief in my voice echoed through the room.

  “No,” my dad huffed quickly. “We are not telling you to go out right now and start looking. But we want you to be happy again, baby girl. We want you to find happiness somehow. And we want these children to find happiness again. Don’t shut yourself out to the possibilities, even if they go against your grief.”

  I cried harder into his chest for long moments. The kids ran crazy around the house, but the three of us couldn’t bring ourselves to separate.

  I was a thirty-two-year-old woman, with a family of my own, but there was no place I felt more comfort and acceptance than in my parents’ arms. Even now.

  Emma burst into the kitchen on a gust of outdoor air. “Hey!” she called, completely oblivious to our moment. “I saw Ben outside shoveling. He’s freezing. Liz, you need to take him some coffee or something…” her voice trailed off and then changed completely when she asked, “What did I miss?”

  “They met Ben,” I sniffed.

  “Oh, so you saw how in love with her he is and how hard she’s trying to deny her feelings for him.”

  “Emma! None of that is true!”

  “Emma!” my mom gasped.

  She started ripping off her outdoor gear. Her hat landed with a slap on the island, then her scarf and gloves. Her coat followed in a messy heap of winter wear.

  “What? Did you meet him? He’s so obvious!”

  Sometimes it was very hard to imagine my sister as the future counselor she aspired to be. Sometimes it was hard to imagine her as anything but the bratty six-year-old she acted like.

  “He isn’t in love with me. Stop.”

  Emma rolled her big eyes. “He’s one of my closest friends, Liz. I think I would know.”

  “No, he’s one of my closest friends, I think I would know.”

  Emma snorted. “Don’t tell him that. I doubt he’d appreciate the fact that he’s been friend-zoned.”

  Ben’s earlier irritation echoed in my head. I shook away the memory immediately. It didn’t matter what my sister thought or suspected, I had told my parents the truth. It was way too soon to even consider the possibility of moving beyond Grady. I couldn’t stomach the idea of being with another man outside the boundaries of friendship. And I trusted Ben enough to believe he would never try to make me.

  “We’re just friends, Emma. I need you to understand this.”

  She opened her mouth to argue, but Blake and Abby ran into the kitchen with a flurry of motion and panic.

  “Jace found Papa’s shaving
cream!” Abby shouted.

  “He’s painting his room with it!” Blake shouted over her.

  The race up the stairs ended all adult conversation for a long time. For the first time in my life, I was grateful for Jace’s destruction.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Christmas Eve I had invited Katherine and Trevor over to share the holiday with us. My mom, Emma and I had cooked an elaborate spread and Katherine had brought the desserts this time.

  My parents were familiar with Grady’s family by now, so the only awkwardness that existed that night was between my in-laws and me.

  Trevor and I had not talked since Thanksgiving. I suspected we both kept our distance because we were too ashamed to confront the other person.

  My chest ached when I remembered how terribly I’d acted that day and how rude I had been to him. I knew the depth of my own pain; I knew how debilitating it could be. I should have had more grace for Trevor. I should never have said those things to him.

  I had managed to avoid him for the last month, but now that we were face-to-face I knew I needed to apologize.

  If for no other reason than Grady would have been so completely disappointed with me if he were still alive. He would not have tolerated this behavior from Trevor or from me.

  “Hey, Trev, can I talk to you for a sec in the kitchen?” I asked gently after homemade cheesecake had been served.

  He hesitated for a few seconds by looking everywhere but at me. Just as my nerves truly began to twist, he shrugged casually and said, “Sure.” He stood up and walked into the kitchen without looking at me.

  Once we were both in the kitchen, I started looking around for a better place to talk. Everyone could hear us in here and I wanted to give us enough privacy so that we could both say what we needed to say.

  I walked to the mudroom and beckoned for him to follow me.

  Once we were alone in the garage, I clicked on the light and stood shivering in the cold air. Trevor shut the door, walked down the three steps and stared at my car without saying anything.

  Okay, so he wasn’t going to make this easy on me. I deserved that.