“This will never work!” I snapped at him. “We’re doomed from the start. I’m in love with another man, Ben! A man you will never be able to compete with because he’s dead!”
Ben’s hands reached up to cup my face. His thumbs rubbed over my cheeks, wiping away tears I hadn’t realized I’d started to shed. “I don’t want to compete with Grady,” he murmured. “And I don’t ever expect you to stop loving him. But whether you want to admit it or not, we’ve started something great. You don’t have to prove to me that you have room for two men in your heart. You’ve already made room. I think it’s time you realized that so we can move forward.”
I stumbled back a step, ripping myself away from his touch. His words made my skin tingle and my heart flutter. How did he know how to say such perfect things? How did he know how to reach inside of me and pluck my fears from my chest and my hesitation from my soul?
How had we gone from casual friendship to this? This felt earth shattering… soul-shaking… fundamental to my very existence.
I stood at a crossroads. I could continue on with my life the way it was, grieving Grady and refusing to take control of the life I had left to live. Or I could try this thing with Ben. I could acknowledge that not everything in life made sense and that Ben was right.
I loved Grady, but I cared deeply for Ben. I hadn’t thought it was possible to care for two men, but my heart had already made room.
This seemed ill-timed and impossible, but this incredible opportunity stood in front of me in a very nice package that I had come to believe I could not live without.
“What do you expect to happen between us?”
A tender smile touched his lips, “I expect us to take this one day at a time. I expect you to be difficult and for me to be patient and understanding and so, so gentle. I expect us to enjoy each other, Liz. And not much more. Not yet.”
“I already enjoy you,” I glared at him, hating that he was able to get through to me.
I had to be crazy to even consider this!
“I know you do.”
I let out a sigh of frustration, “This isn’t going to work, Ben. We’re both going to end up hurt.”
“You’re already hurting, Liz.” He stepped toward me again and tucked a stubborn piece of hair behind my ear.
“That’s what I mean.” My chin trembled as I struggled not to cry again. I hated that I couldn’t keep a lock on my emotions. I hated that losing Grady had broken me so severely that my eyes constantly leaked and my crazed emotions always floated near the top. I needed to normalize. But looking up into Ben’s eyes and taking in his handsome, pleading face, I knew it wouldn’t happen any time soon. “I can’t take anymore heartbreak,” I confessed on a broken whisper.
“Then it’s a good thing I’m not going to break your heart.” He leaned down and pressed a kiss to my lips. His mouth felt warm and hopeful.
He kissed me like I was a delicate, fragile thing. He kissed me with care and an aching sweetness that touched the bitter places inside of me and brought them back to life. I came to life in his arms, with his lips against mine. I awoke from the dead and bloomed into something so beautiful I felt awed by the sight of it, something that had not existed until Ben Tyler walked into my world.
He pulled away before I was ready, but I couldn’t admit that. Not even to myself.
I met his unwavering gaze again and asked the question that had been burning brightest. “Why me, Ben? You could have anyone. You could have your pick of uncomplicated girls without kids and without dead husbands. You’re the whole package. Any girl would be lucky to be with you. I just… I don’t understand why you chose me.”
He didn’t hesitate. One of his hands came to rest on my waist, the other wrapped around the back of my neck. “You were not the only one that was lost when we met. I found something in you I had been looking for for a very long time.”
“What was that?”
“Myself,” he whispered.
I closed my eyes and struggled not to be swept away in his wake. “Ben…”
“Liz, I didn’t expect to fall for you, not like this… not so completely. And I never expected for you to fall for me too. But here we are. Let’s see where this goes. Let’s see how far left there is to fall.”
I nodded, unable to make the words form on my lips.
He pulled me against him. “Really?”
“I can’t say no to that.”
A satisfied grin broke across his face. “I figured.”
“You’re unforgivably cocky. You know that?”
“I have you to remind me.”
I have you… His words wrapped around my heart and held it together as the frantic pounding of it threatened to tear me apart.
His eyes darkened again and his lips turned down into a serious frown, “When this becomes too much tell me. All you have to do is tell me how you feel and I will help you, Liz. I know this won’t be easy. I know we’re asking a lot from each other. But I also know that it is worth it. We are worth it. But it will never work unless I know what you are thinking and how you feel. Alright?”
I nodded again, “Okay.”
“Tell me when it’s too much and I will back off. I promise you that.”
“Okay,” I repeated.
He watched my face for a few long moments before he dipped his head and trailed his nose along the curve of my jaw, placing a tender kiss just below my ear. “Okay,” he whispered against my skin.
And then he ravished me, right there on the cold tile of the entryway.
Just kidding. Then one of my children screamed bloody murder from the top of the stairs.
“I have to go check on her.” He took a step back and nodded. “Wait for me?”
His entire body relaxed. I watched him turn from carved stone to a man that could slay me with one of his heated looks. His shoulders relaxed and his limbs became tensile and familiar. “I’ll wait,” he promised on a low rumble.
I shivered and tried to ignore the fluttering feeling that I hadn’t felt in a very long time. Turning from him quickly, I raced up the stairs to check on Lucy.
She turned to face me when I flipped the hallway light on. Her little arms lifted, begging for a hug.
I scooped her up in my arms and pressed a kiss to her sweaty forehead. “Did you have a nightmare?”
She nodded against my cheek. “I miss my daddy!” she cried. “I want him to come home! I want my daddy!”
I tried to swallow against the lump in my throat. I had no words for this little one. I had no hope or promises to offer. All I could do was hold her tightly to my chest and cry with her.
I closed my eyes and snuggled back against her headboard. She changed positions and threw herself over me, wrapping her arms around my neck. “I want my daddy!” she continued to wail. “I want him to come home to me!”
“Shh,” I sung against her forehead. “Shh, Luce.”
“Mommy, where is he? Where did he go?”
“Lucy, you know where he went. You know this.”
She shook her head roughly against mine. “No.”
My sweet, sensitive Lucy. She had waited for Grady to come back for so long. But she had turned five over the winter and with that little bit of added maturity, reality had settled in. It was like grieving all over again as she slowly accepted the truth that her daddy was gone forever.
She ended up in my bed most nights now. Sometimes she had these awful nightmares and sometimes she woke up already in tears. I hated that she had to go through this again. I hated that my little Luce had to come to understand that her daddy was gone forever.
“Tell me where your daddy is, Lucy Kate,” I coaxed.
She continued to shake her head, her hair getting tangled in her tears. “In heaven,” she hiccupped. “He’s in h-h-h-heaven.”
“And is he ever coming back?”
Lucy cried harder, but we’d gone through this enough times by now that she did know the answer, “No!”
“But, Luce, does he st
ill love us? Even though he’s way up in heaven?” My voice trembled and my tears mingled with hers. I hugged her tighter to me, needing her comfort as much as she needed mine.
“I don’t know,” she sniffled.
My chest ached as I rubbed her back and tried to force the words from my mouth, “He does, Lucy. He loves you so very much.”
“Then why did he leave?” she hiccupped.
“Oh, baby girl. He wanted to stay. So badly. But he got sick. And the doctor’s couldn’t make him better. He tried so very hard to stay with us. He did everything that he could.” Lucy cried harder as I rocked her gently.
Ben’s tall frame darkened the door. I didn’t look at him for a very long time. This had to be extremely awkward for him. He had just convinced me to date him and then he had to find me with one of my children, crying over my dead husband.
He walked over and sat at the end of the bed, jolting me out of my fear. He watched Lucy and me with a beautiful intensity. His furrowed brows and concerned frown tugged at my heart.
I had expected him to tell me that he was going to take off. I thought he would look at the two of us and be repulsed. If the child in my arms and the responsibility she represented wasn’t enough to scare him away, then it would have to be my tears. I was a wreck and I couldn’t make it stop or pretend like I had it together.
Yet, his hand squeezed my knee and settled there to offer some comfort. He didn’t run at the first sign of difficulty, he jumped in and held tight.
And somehow he managed to give me courage that I didn’t know I could find and he settled my spirit in a way I didn’t know was possible.
“Do you know that he loves you, Lucy?” I whispered to my little girl. “Do you know that he will always love you?” She nodded for the first time, sniffling and whimpering against my now-soaked t-shirt. “He loves you more than anything. He always will.”
“I miss him.” Her tiny voice was a broken whisper.
“I miss him, too.” Ben squeezed my knee again. I took a steadying breath and felt little pieces of my heart mend themselves back together. “But he’s still watching over us from heaven. He’ll never be far away. We just can’t see him anymore.”
Lucy wiggled in my arms until she lay cradled against me. She had gotten so big this year. Her legs dangled over the side of the bed, kicking a soothing rhythm. She reached up to play with some of my hair, wet from both of our tears.
“Is that why Ben is here?” Her words completely stunned me. My mind went blank. I tried to come up with some kind of explanation or excuse for why he’d walked into her bedroom late at night, but her next question proved that her thoughts were on a different track than mine. “Did Daddy send Ben to take care of us?”
My heart took on a frantic rhythm, pounding so loud I could barely hear my own voice when I answered, “Yes.”
Chapter Twenty-One
“Abby told me she’s the sun tonight?” My mom’s amusement rang clearly through the phone.
“I think it was her teacher’s idea of a joke. He cannot wait to get rid of her.”
“That cannot be true,” my mom tsked defensively. I loved her grandparent vision. But really… I was convinced that Mr. Hoya was counting down the minutes until he could officially be finished with Abby.
I had joined him. I couldn’t wait for the summer just around the corner. I could stop worrying about needing to get the kids to school on time and homework in the evenings. Our scheduled activities would all but disappear, except for a few fun leagues the kids wanted to play in with their friends.
I planned on using Ben’s pool as often as I could and actually getting a tan this summer. I had three months to cherish my children as they were until we started a new school year and they managed to grow up without me noticing. Summer always felt like a freeze frame. I could watch them closely and keep them near. When school started, it was a race to keep up with them.
And next year, Lucy would be starting kindergarten. Because obviously she had stopped loving me. Otherwise she wouldn’t go; she would stay home with me forever and not force me to watch her grow up.
“Sorry, Grandma; despite popular belief, Abigail is not a model student.”
My mom snickered on the other end, “I know better than that, don’t I?”
“You’ve got your grandparent goggles on again,” I laughed with her.
She paused for a moment, sucking in a fortifying breath. Finally, she said, “You sound happy, Lizbeth. You sound… okay.”
I stopped near the banister and gripped it so I wouldn’t tip over. She hadn’t said something like this to me since long before Grady died. She had known better.
But now her words rang out through the miles that separated us and I felt them inside of me, blooming with new life and a whole heart.
Was I happy? Somehow I was.
There were still bleak moments of darkness, moments I thought I could not survive. There were still tears shed and difficult decisions to make. There were still times when I failed… completely; when my children didn’t have what they needed or I didn’t manage to fulfill all of my responsibilities.
But this May was vastly, incomparably different than last May.
“I’m dating someone,” I whispered, afraid of her judgment.
I could feel her shock as if it were a physical thing. She didn’t say anything for a very long time and I started to worry that I should have dropped that bomb a little more delicately.
“You are?” she whispered back after another minute.
“I am.”
“The neighbor?” she guessed. “The snow shoveler?”
I smiled, “Yep, the snow shoveler.”
“Wow, Liz… Wow.” I waited patiently for her to come to terms with this. Ben and I had been dating for going on two months now and I still hadn’t come to terms with it. I couldn’t expect my mother to be okay with my new relationship after only a couple minutes.
There hadn’t been a lot of dates in our short relationship. I had four kids after all and Emma was my sister, not my nanny. Still, there had been nights when we’d snuck away and grabbed dinner or a movie.
The majority of our relationship happened around my house. He spent a lot of time with the kids and me during the evenings and on the weekend and he came over after the kids were in bed most nights to spend time with me alone.
I would worry about our time together and decide that I needed space, but then he would have work to do and I wouldn’t see him for a couple nights and I would realize how deep my attachment for him had grown.
I missed him when I wasn’t with him. My fingers itched to text him or call him and my spirit would wait for him to show up.
And when we were together?
He had been right. It was damn good.
We weren’t perfect people and our relationship was far from utopic, but he had been true to his word to be careful with me, to go slow.
Although slow was hard.
Very hard.
Sometimes I felt like a teenager again with how desperate his kisses could make me. He never pushed beyond that point though, never asked me to make our physical relationship as deep as our emotional one.
And most of the time I was thankful for that. But then he would kiss me into a frenzy. He would tease my senses and awaken desires I thought had gone dormant forever.
He would bring me back to life in every way and then he would settle me back into lazy contentedness, a lingering passion that made me stretch out like a happy cat and nuzzle into him.
I smiled a secret smile, remembering the feel of his hard body lengthened against mine, of his sensual hands exploring my body, of his breath mingling with mine as he tasted my lips and skin.
He was taking this slow, but my feelings for him seemed to accelerate with every minute spent with him. I should be afraid of that. I should be afraid of our connection and my deepening need for him.
But I couldn’t make myself stop this. My mom was right, I was happy. And I didn’t want to g
ive up being happy to return to the darkness I had just escaped from.
“When did this happen?” she asked breathlessly.
“End of March,” I confessed. “We’re taking this very slow. But, I don’t know mom… This isn’t something I ever expected. I just… I like him.”
She sounded nothing short of awestruck, when she said, “You do?”
Guilt nagged in my gut, “I don’t want you to think that I stopped loving Grady or anything. I mean, obviously I still love him and I… it’s not like… I haven’t forgotten him or tried to forget him, I just-”
“Elizabeth,” my mom interrupted in a way that only my mother could, “I know. I know that this has nothing to do with Grady. I know you too well to bother with worrying about that. I’m just pleasantly surprised. That’s all.”
“Pleasantly surprised?”
“You’re so young, Lizzy. And those kids need a father figure. I just worried about you being all alone. I’m glad you’ve been able to step outside of your grief and get back to the land of the living.”
“I don’t think I ever left the land of the living,” I tried to joke, but it fell flat and lifeless.
“Sweetheart, you did. You checked out. And I don’t blame you for that. But I can feel your light again, your warmth. I don’t know Ben very well, but I’m thankful that he gave it back to you.”
“You know, we’ll probably break up at some point and I’ll drop dead again. You shouldn’t let your hopes get too high.”
She chuckled lightly, “I don’t think you would have started this if you expected that to happen. No matter what happens, your father and I will be here. We love you, you know.”
“I love you too, Mom. I’ve got to let you go though or Abby is going to miss her debut on center stage.”
“Give the kids kisses from your father and me!”
“I will. Talk to you soon.”
I clicked off the phone and sunk down onto the step. My mom’s words prickled at my skin. Was she right?
I knew things would eventually end with Ben. I expected them to. Eventually, he would want things from me that I couldn’t give him. We were just too different.
The Five Stages of Falling in Love Page 20