He wanted to start a family, but I already had one.
He wanted a wife, but I had already been one.
Ben wanted a fairytale, but I had been living in a nightmare.
We couldn’t work for much longer. So what then?
My blood turned to ice as I tried to process my life without Ben now. I couldn’t do it.
When Grady was first diagnosed, I had lots of horrible thoughts about what it would be like to lose him. Throughout his treatment and as the brain cancer worsened, I would often find time to simply sit and picture my life without my husband in it.
They weren’t pleasant thoughts by any means and they mostly left me furious and feeling lost. But eventually, I had to come to terms with those thoughts becoming reality.
Now, as I did the same thing and imagined my future as a single woman again… I couldn’t do it. My brain refused to picture my life without Ben in it.
My heart started pounding as I struggled to force myself back to those dark months when Grady was gone and I had no help, no hope and nothing to look forward to.
They must have traumatized me too much, because my conscious mind refused to go there. I laughed a little hysterically. It was crazy to think that Ben could have such an impact on me and my family.
I cared about him, but I didn’t love him like I loved Grady. I didn’t love him at all.
Right…?
“Mom, I can’t get this stupid thing on!” Abby called from upstairs, shaking me out of my spiraling confusion.
“Don’t put it on!” I shouted at her. “You’ll never fit in the car!” I ran up the stairs before she could rip apart her spring play costume and caught it halfway over her head. “We’ll throw it on as soon as we get there,” I panted as I tried to wrestle her out of the awkward costume. “Besides, isn’t it hot?”
“Duh,” she groaned. “It’s the sun.”
I pressed my lips together and failed at holding back a laugh. “And what a beautiful sun it is.”
She crossed her eyes at me until I tweaked her nose. Suddenly, she was thoughtful, “Do you think Mr. Hoya is punishing me for making him so mad this year?”
I leveled her with my best motherly gaze and prepared to say something inspiring. Instead, the truth came out, “It’s a very real possibility, Kiddo.”
She sighed, “I can’t wait for summer.”
“You and me both.”
Ben showed up five minutes later and helped me pack the kids into the minivan. Abby had won the non-speaking part of the happy sun while Blake had been given a more prestigious part. He had been cast as the poky little puppy in the elementary school’s rendition of The Poky Little Puppy.
We had been practicing lines for a month now. He was always confident and relaxed, but tonight he was obviously nervous. And I was just as nervous for him.
My heart clenched wishing that Grady could be here. Blake needed someone to give him some encouraging words. I didn’t count. Whatever I said was ignored because, well, I was the mom. And I needed Grady to be here to get me through this night. Both of my kids would be on stage. This seemed like something their father should see.
Ben dropped the older kids and me off at the door because we were running a little late- no surprise. I rushed them backstage, gave them big kisses in front of all of their friends and left them to the charge of teachers who got paid to yell at my kids.
“Hi, Liz,” a mom from Blake’s class stopped me in the hallway by putting her hand on my forearm.
I jerked to a stop. “Hi, Melissa,” I smiled at her. Blake and her son, Tanner, were good friends. A year ago, she’d had Blake over several times in an effort to help me out and distract Blake from his grief. Blake couldn’t be distracted and every time she saw me, I had been a walking train wreck. The playdates had stopped over the summer.
I hadn’t talked to her all year.
“How are you?” Melissa asked in that nasally, dragging tone people think sounds sympathetic.
“I’m alright,” I answered honestly. “How are you and the family doing?”
“Oh, we’re good,” she smiled brightly. “Tanner is so excited for summer. I can hardly get him to focus on homework!”
“I know what you mean.” I tried to stay engaged, but something had happened to me after Grady died. And I supposed after I forged my friendship with Ben. I had very little patience for superficial these days. I simply couldn’t stomach it.
These lives we lived were a gift and precious and so short. I wanted to spend my time authentically, surrounded by people I truly loved. I knew there was a time and place for small talk and it wasn’t as though I wanted to get into something deep with Melissa before the play… but it was hard to listen to her fake laugh while my family waited for me in the auditorium.
“So, listen,” Melissa started. “I know we haven’t seen a lot of Blake lately, but Tanner has been begging to have him over now that he’s, well, you know… better. So I was thinking-”
“There you are,” Ben appeared at my side. He slid his long arm around my shoulder and pulled me against him.
My cheeks bloomed bright red and I tried not to be skittish. “Hey, where are the kids?”
“With your sister. Katherine and Trevor got here early to save us seats.” All of his attention focused on me. His sincere eyes watched my face carefully; his arm wrapped around my body and shielded me from the dangers of elementary school parents.
If I cared about Melissa’s opinion of me, I would have desperately wanted to explain this to her. And I couldn’t deny the shame and embarrassment that mingled in my chest. I wanted to run away or shove Ben out the front door and tell him to wait for me in the car.
I closed my eyes and shook my head. It wouldn’t make sense to anyone else that I had seemingly moved on already.
But the truth was, I hadn’t moved on. I couldn’t have explained it to others if I wanted to. I still very much grieved Grady. Ben was just… Ben. A man I couldn’t say no to and a relationship I didn’t want to let go.
And Melissa was not my friend nor did she deserve an explanation.
That did not lessen my urgency to get to my seat where she could stop judging me with her curious eyes.
“I’m Melissa,” she interjected anyway. Her hand shot out to take Ben’s. “I’m the room parent for Blake’s class.”
“Hi, Melissa.” Ben shook her hand but didn’t offer any more details about himself.
Melissa’s wide gaze shot to me. I nearly laughed. “I’ll call you about the play date,” I told her. I left her to watch after us as we walked back toward the entrance to the auditorium.
I groaned as soon as we were far enough away from her and leaned into Ben, pushing him sideways. “She’s going to go run and tell all the other mom’s I brought a gigolo to the spring play.”
“Do I look like a gigolo?” Ben sounded truly alarmed.
I started laughing, I couldn’t hold it back. It started in my stomach and worked its way through the rest of my body. I had to stop walking and prop myself against the wall, too hysterical to hold myself up on my own.
Ben put his hand on my shoulder and chuckled with me, although his wasn’t quite the full-body laugh that mine was.
“Are you okay?” he asked after another minute. “I didn’t mean to make you the center of gossip. I can go tell that woman I’m your cousin from out of town if that would help.”
“Oh, god, don’t do that!” I stood up and slid my hands to his waist. “That would severely back fire on me. Can you imagine if we’re still together next fall? Then they’d really talk. I can only imagine those rumors.”
“We will be.” His voice was so serious that I had to look up at him. He stared at me intently, searching my eyes and my expression for something I didn’t know if I could give him. “Liz, this isn’t a fling. You know that, right?”
“I know you think that, but-”
He slid his fingertips along my cheek until he cupped my face with one of his big hands. “Liz, I know
this isn’t a fling.” He dipped his head, bringing his lips only an inch from mine. “And you do too.”
My eyes fluttered closed when he kissed me. I couldn’t help it. This was the worst place for him to kiss me, but we were mostly alone in the hallway. The rest of the hustle and bustle had moved into the auditorium, ready for the play to start.
I had too many doubts to believe that Ben and I could be long term. Until he kissed me like this. His tongue swept across my bottom lip and then dipped into my mouth for a sweet taste. Our mouths pressed together in a sensual meeting that left me breathless and warm even though it was brief.
He pulled back and hit me with one of his intense looks. “Not a fling,” he reiterated.
I bit my lip, hoping to savor him for just a moment longer and shook my head at him. I couldn’t analyze his words or his kiss or the fact that he had just very publically kissed me. We might not have had a large audience, but we had enough. Word would spread.
I didn’t know how to feel and so I decided to think about it later. I wanted to enjoy my kids tonight, not obsess over potentially negative thoughts. And so I decided to enjoy this moment with him and not stress.
Well, until we turned toward the auditorium and found Katherine waiting for us near the doors. My stomach plummeted while I tried to read her gaze. Ben’s hand reached for mine and squeezed tightly, urging me to be brave… to be confident.
I tilted my chin and promised myself I would talk to Katherine about Ben… soon. If she brought it up.
She didn’t say a word to me or Ben as she led us to our seats. In fact, she didn’t say a word to me for the rest of the night.
I might have been able to suppress my concern of Blake and Abby’s friends’ parents finding out I was seeing someone now, but I could not ignore Katherine’s cold stare or icy behavior.
Luckily, there was enough going on to distract me. Blake played an amazing Poky Puppy. He remembered all of his lines and hammed it up to the audience. His dad would have been so very proud of him.
And Abby played her part as the sun exactly how I thought she would- grumpy. She snapped at the flowers and kicked a bone all the way across stage. She was awful. And it was so adorable I stood up at the end of the play and gave her a standing ovation. Mr. Hoya got exactly what he asked for. Abby’s dad would have been so very proud of her too.
Although you could never get me to say that out loud.
Chapter Twenty-Two
The school year ended in a blink of an eye and summer flipped by in lazy days of late mornings and reckless play. June was a month filled with outdoor barbeques where Ben would grill and I would fill the patio table with paper plates and corn on the cob. The kids loved to eat outside and it wasn’t too hot to enjoy the summer evenings.
Some nights Ben would watch the kids for me while I went for a run. They loved their Ben-time without me to take away his attention. And I loved my alone time.
On the weekends we would spend hours in Ben’s pool. With two of us it made watching the kids simple. Emma would join us whenever she didn’t have other plans.
Ben rarely spent a night away from us. And when he had to be away, it wasn’t just me that missed him. The kids wanted him with us, at our dinner table, in our house, a part of our lives.
The Fourth of July had been spent at the lake, where he supervised small fireworks and I managed s’mores. We invaded his parent’s cabin for the weekend and it was the first time I allowed him to sleep over.
Not that he did anything more than sleep. Still, that was a big step for me.
By the middle of July, I was already dreading the school year and simultaneously looking forward to the kids having a more structured life. Lucy couldn’t wait to go to kindergarten and Abby had settled down just enough that I thought maybe her second grade teacher might be able to survive the year.
With the right amount of prayer.
Before I thought too seriously about school though, I decided we needed a lot more days at the pool. Because it was Saturday, Ben could join me and the children could survive the day.
“No running!” I called after Abby and Blake as they raced around the side of the pool and fought to see who could make the bigger cannonball splash.
Lucy had her floaties on and had no trouble puttering around the length of the pool and Jace was enjoying his froggy inflatable that sat him upright near the shallow end. All children were safe for the moment.
It was a good day.
I spread my arms along the edge of the pool and let the baked cement warm my skin. I blinked up at the bright sun and soaked in these blissful few moments.
“We need another date,” Ben murmured, floating up to me. His firm torso was exposed for my viewing pleasure, the water crashed against his chest as he moved closer to me. My fingers twitched, desperate to run over his taut muscles.
“Why’s that?” I snuck a glance over his shoulder to make sure all of the children were safe… and also distracted. My fingers cut through the water until they brushed against his ribs.
His hands mimicked my movements. I squirmed a little as they trailed over my skin under the water, causing my breath to hitch and his eyes to darken.
“Because I need you and this bathing suit all to myself.” His lips dropped to my collarbone where he trailed hot kisses dripping with cool water to the tip of my shoulder and back down. I dropped my head back and closed my eyes. A small whimper escaped the back of my throat and his gentle grip became fiercely needy. He clutched my sides and slid his thigh between my legs. With the little bikini bottoms I had on, his leg pressed to my core with shocking pressure.
I lifted my head and opened my eyes, only to come face to face with the purest picture of desire I had ever seen.
I stopped breathing and my heart stopped beating. A blush swept over me from top to bottom. His intentions were so clearly written on his face that I had no doubt of the thoughts that ran through his head.
We had been dating for five months and this had never become a topic of conversation for us. I had been too terrified to bring it up and he had been too much of a gentleman. But surely he thought about this… wondered what would happen.
I certainly did.
But mine always ended with a big buzzer sounding and an announcer declaring that we were out of time. I couldn’t get past my own humiliation to even think about the good stuff.
I had always thought Grady would be the last man to see me naked. And I had liked it that way. I couldn’t fathom undressing in front of another man. Not after ten years of marriage to the same man.
And let’s not even discuss my destroyed lady bits. Thank you my darling children. You didn’t exactly leave me in tiptop condition.
So, no. Sex was a nonissue to me because it would never happen.
Ben would have to break this off with me if he ever wanted to get laid again. And guessing from the heated look in his eyes that sent shivers racing up and down my spine, he was going to have to break up with me soon.
Or I was going to spontaneously combust into a million pieces.
Ben continued to press kisses along my jaw, the shell of my ear and finally my mouth. My hands slid around his neck and our bodies came together naturally.
“Ew!” All of the kids shouted at once.
We pulled away laughing. This hadn’t been the first time we got caught.
“How about that date?” He waggled his eyebrows at me and put a safe distance between us.
“I’ll talk to Emma.”
“Maybe we should think about finding another babysitter. A girl that is more available? Maybe a high school kid or someone we can pay?”
We can pay. We should think about finding another babysitter.
Ben’s words stripped away my easy smile and poked at my motherly instincts. I didn’t know how I felt about Ben’s suggestion or his insinuation that we were so coupled.
What did it mean for us to both pick out a babysitter? Did that mean he had an actual say and I had to listen to his opi
nion? Did he care enough about my children to find someone that would truly take care of their needs and make my home a fun and safe environment while maintaining some kind of order? Was he offering to pay for the sitter? Or did that responsibility remain entirely with me?
He misread my expression, “I love Emma, Liz. Don’t get me wrong. She’s just so busy. I’d like to find someone who can come over weekly. You need a break and I need you alone.”
I gaped at his insightful words.
“How much of a say do you think you have in this?” I followed a droplet of water with my finger as it trickled down his chest.
He captured my hand and brought it to his mouth for a chaste kiss. “A lot of say,” he grinned at me. “So much say.”
“I’m not so sure…” What I really wasn’t sure about was inviting another person into our lives. I liked how we had things right now. I didn’t want to upset the fragile balance we’d struck.
“I love these guys. I want the best for them too.”
“I know you say that…”
“And I mean it.” His voice was a serious timbre that made me want to sit up straighter. “I love those kids, Liz. More than I ever thought I could love anybody. If we are going to take this relationship any further, don’t you think I should start working with you to make decisions that affect the whole family?”
He talked about my kids like he was already a father figure for them and about the family as if he were already a part of it.
I didn’t know how to feel about that.
Frankly, he left me a little breathless.
Or, er, rather largely breathless.
I opened my mouth to say something although I didn’t know what. I needed to politely ask him to back off until I could catch up with him. I didn’t think I wanted Ben to become so involved. If he stepped into Grady’s shoes that meant Grady would be pushed out.
And I didn’t want Grady to leave.
But I didn’t want Ben to leave either.
“Uncle Trevor!” Abby squealed before I could put two words together.
Lots of splashing ensued as my children scrambled from the pool to attack their uncle with wet hugs. He laughed and let them drip all over his work clothes. I held my hand up to shield the sun and silently thanked Trevor for interrupting at just the right time.
The Five Stages of Falling in Love Page 21