The Five Stages of Falling in Love

by Rachel Higginson

  I went on, “I think I annoyed him at first. I was out of my mind for a long time, Grady. I couldn’t keep it together. I was a walking catastrophe. One disaster after the next. Ben… Ben stepped in and cleaned up my messes. He made life easier for me. He became someone I could count on first. And then he became my friend. And from there… I’m still not sure when it happened or how it happened, but we seem to have fallen in love.

  “I didn’t mean for it to happen. In fact, I fought it for a long time. And I think he did too. It’s not exactly easy to fall in love with a woman that has four kids. That’s your fault by the way. All those kids… just the way you wanted it. Besides that, I can be difficult. You knew that better than anyone. So, I don’t know what we were thinking. Or if we were thinking. I think it happened so subtly that neither of us knew to stop it.

  “You were like fireworks. That’s how I think of falling in love with you. One beautiful explosion after another. The first time you kissed me. The first time you made love to me. The first time you told me you loved me. When you asked me to marry you. Our wedding day. As I watched you become a father and then a great father. Every step we took together felt monumental. I fell for you hard and just kept falling.” I paused to wipe away heavy tears. “God, I miss you.”

  It took me several more minutes before I could continue, “Ben didn’t happen like that. There were no fireworks or epic moments. It was just us, lost and wandering. It was like we were taking this journey, both of us, but separately. Until one day we started taking this journey together. Neither of us knew where we were going at first. Not until we met each other and started walking together. Then all of a sudden I knew I had a destination again, I had a compass. Our love happened as the miles passed and we felt a little less lost. It happened as the road became clearer and less lonely. He came in like a sigh, a soft breath of hope. He happened to me through tears and grief and missing you so much my body hurt. My heart hurt.

  “But now I hurt for a different reason. I told him to leave and he listened. Grady, I love you. I don’t think I will ever stop loving you. I can’t. You’re too much a part of who I am. But somehow I love him too. And I don’t think I can live without him.

  “I had to give you up. Against my will. But I don’t have to give up Ben. Not if I don’t want to. If you wouldn’t have died, I don’t think I would have ever gotten to know Ben. I think he would have stayed a neighbor, nothing but a passing acquaintance. I think he would have found someone else to love. And you and I would have lived out our happily ever after.

  “But you did die. And Ben and I did get to know each other. Grady, you are the love of my life. That will never change. Except that because of Ben, my life doesn’t have to end. Maybe he’s the love of my second chance.

  “You can’t tell me how you feel, but I think I already know what you would say. And I’m going to tell you how I feel whether you can hear me or not. You’re the one that made me promise to not let my light die out. Did you know this would happen? Did you expect me to meet another man? Or did you just know that your death would hit this hard? For a long time, I didn’t think I could do this without you. Now I know I can do this because of you.

  “I’m going to try it again with Ben. I’m going to see where this goes with him. I don’t imagine that it will be easy. I’m still a pretty big mess. I still feel a little lost. I still miss you. I still love you. But Ben makes all that easier. He forces me to live life again and makes me smile. He fills in all of the cracks you made when you left me. I love you, Grady. I always will. Just please… please forgive me for not loving only you.”

  “Oh, Liz!”

  I jerked, so surprised to see someone standing over me. I blinked through my tears and up at the sun to see Katherine sobbing. Her shoulders shook with the force of her tears.

  I didn’t know how I hadn’t noticed her before, but I was more than a little embarrassed that she might have heard my speech to her son.

  Before I could get up, she collapsed next to me and clasped me in a tight hug. Her crying continued, deep and soul-crushing. I held her back, refusing to let her go through this alone.

  Finally, after a couple more minutes, she pulled back so she could look me in the eyes. Her gray bob whipped around her wet face and the front strands stuck to her cheeks. Her makeup had run and her soggy tissue was now useless.

  “He forgives you, Liz,” she cried to me. “Oh, Honey, he forgives you. He would never hold this over you or feel less for you because of Ben.”

  “How do you know?” My chin trembled and my tears started all over again.

  “Because Grady knew what a prize you were. Oh, you should have heard him brag about you to me. He just thought the world of you. He knew he had something special, something that any man would be beyond lucky to have. And he knew that the beauty in you wouldn’t die simply because he did.” She reached out and clasped my hand in between hers. “Liz, Grady loved you enough to want you to continue living long after he was gone. And I think he would approve of Ben. I think he would be very happy for you.”

  “I thought you hated me.” I wiped at my eyes, but it was no use.

  “Why would you think that?” she gasped.

  “You saw us at the spring play and… and… I was so ashamed. Trevor hated him. I thought you must too! And hate me because I had moved on so quickly after Grady died.”

  She shook her head forcefully. “No, no I never thought any of those things. Anyone that knows you can see what a struggle it’s been for you to lose him, and not just because of the kids or the house, but because you are hurting. Honey, I know you loved my son. That didn’t change because you met someone knew.”

  “But you haven’t really talked to me in months! I thought… I thought we were making progress until Ben showed up and then…” I couldn’t say anything more. I wanted her to fill in the blanks.

  She let out a pained chuckle. “I stayed away for Ben, not because of Ben. He seemed like such a wonderful man and just like with Grady, I could see how much he meant to you. I didn’t want to scare him away from you. I didn’t want him to be hesitant about a relationship because every time he came around, the mother of his girlfriend’s dead husband was there. I thought I was doing you a favor.”

  I laughed through my tears as relief flooded me. I could never have anticipated that answer. Katherine was such a surprise. It was a shame I didn’t find this out before Grady passed away.

  “Ben isn’t like that,” I assured her. “He… he isn’t afraid to be reminded of Grady. He isn’t intimidated by my grief. He somehow manages to help me deal with the pain and add more to my life than I deserve.”

  “No, Sweetie…” She squeezed my hand, letting me know how serious she was. “You deserve all of the happiness you can find. That includes Ben. If you think you’re ready for something with him, then I think you should go for it. Go as far and fast as you want to. Your happily ever after is far from over.”

  I blushed, realizing how much of my speech she had heard. “Thank you, Katherine.”

  “No, Liz, thank you. Thank you for keeping me in your lives and bringing such joy to mine. It makes me so very proud of my son to know that he could find such a treasure.”

  We sat there for another hour, talking about Grady and remembering little things he had said or did. We probably looked ridiculous sitting on the stiff grass, crying our eyes out. But we didn’t notice anyone else. It was just Katherine, me and Grady’s memory.

  His ghost had drifted away and I was left with only the warm memories of a man I loved.

  By the time we parted ways, I had a smile across my face and hope in my heart. I had also made a decision.

  Ben was right. I didn’t have to give Grady up to be with him. I just had to be with Ben and trust that my love for both of them only made my life better.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  I didn’t have to wait long to see Ben again. He came over that evening after he got home from work just like he’d said he would.


  I was a little more put together than the last night. I had a plan for dinner, there were no surprise homework projects and Emma had stayed long enough for me to get a shower. My hair was fixed, I had makeup on and my kids were mostly taken care of.

  He knocked politely and Abby ran to let him in. I forced myself to wait in the kitchen for him. I wanted to talk to him, but I didn’t want to do it in front of the kids.

  We had things to say that they didn’t need to hear.

  Still, I had softened to him so much that I couldn’t help but smile at him when he appeared in front of me.

  He walked straight up to the counter where I stood chopping vegetables and greeted me first. I smiled at him, noticing that he had shaved and his clothes were more put together today.

  He smiled back and said, “Hey.”

  “Hey. Want to stay for dinner again?”

  He tilted his head to the side and tried to figure me out. Good luck, buddy.

  “Am I invited?”

  I looked back down at my chopped carrots, “I just invited you.”

  “Well, then I guess it depends on what we’re having.”

  “Chicken pot pie.”

  “Sounds better than takeout.”

  “Depends. What kind of takeout?”

  He frowned, “China Garden.”

  I made a face. “I don’t know if it competes with China Garden. They have egg rolls.”

  He set his elbows on the counter and stole a slice of carrot. “That’s true,” he conceded. “But you have math homework and chocolate milk.”

  I leaned forward, closing some of the space between us. “Math homework does trump most other things.”

  “Mmm,” he agreed. “I should come over here more often.”

  “You probably should.”

  “Ben, I need your help!” Blake shouted before Ben could fully absorb those words.

  We both moved into survival mode as the dinner hour grew closer. The kids kept us busy and occupied throughout the meal. There wasn’t any opportunity for us to speak to each other, but I could feel his eyes on me the entire time.

  Ben could feel or see the change in me, but he didn’t know what it meant yet.

  He entertained the kids while I cleaned up the kitchen and by then it was time for them to head to bed. I pulled out the one purchase I’d made in town today by myself and set it on the kitchen counter.

  He and the kids had started a mean game of hangman at the craft table, but when the wine appeared, Ben’s focus immediately shifted.

  “What’s that?” he demanded. The flirting tone he’d been using all night disappeared. He didn’t want to tease me anymore.

  The wine signified too much.

  “I thought maybe you wanted to stay for a bit? After I get the kids to bed?”

  He pushed back from the small table and jumped to his feet. His long legs ate up the space between us in a few elongated strides. He picked up the bottle and read the label before setting it back on the counter.

  “When did you get this?”

  “Emma watched the kids for me today. I had something I needed to do.”

  “What was that?”

  I looked up into his dark eyes and held his gaze with a confidence I had never felt around him before. “I went to talk to Grady. I had a few things to tell him.”

  “Like?”

  I smiled, “Don’t you want to wait until after I get the kids down? We could have privacy. It might be easier.”

  His hand reached out to grip my waist; his other steadied himself on the counter. “Don’t make me wait, Liz. I don’t want to wait.”

  My heart thumped frantically in my chest and my skin tingled where he touched me. “I told him that I fell in love with you. I asked him for his forgiveness, but then I realized I didn’t need it. You were right, Ben. I can love two men. I can love Grady without holding back anything from you. And I can love you without betraying him. I don’t want to be neighbors anymore. I don’t even want to be friends. I just want to love you. For as long as you’ll let me.”

  He lunged for me, crushing me to his chest and wrapping his arms around me. “I want that too,” he breathed against my neck.

  The kids erupted with grotesque sounds, not pleased with our public display of affection at all. He pulled back to give them some peace, but kept his hands on my back, holding onto me.

  “You want to do this?” his eyebrows raised and his expression grew serious again. “You’re willing to fight for this? It’s not going to be easy.”

  “I know it’s not,” I told him. “But I love you, Ben. I can’t stay away from you anymore. I don’t want to. I wondered for a long time how I would fit you into my life, into our life. I know now that you are my life… as much as the kids and Grady. You brought me back to life. You gave us a future to look forward to again. I already lost one man that I loved. I cannot lose another.”

  His palm cupped my jaw and his thumb brushed over my cheek bone. “I love you, Elizabeth Carlson. As difficult and aggravating as you may be, I love you more than I have loved anything or anyone. I am with you in this. I am with you forever.”

  He leaned down and kissed me on the lips, slow and leisurely. The kids broke out with more disapproval and raucous laughter. I pulled away from him reluctantly to give them all the evil eye.

  He pressed his forehead to my temple and whispered, “Let’s get these kids to bed. We have more making up to do.”

  I made a needy sound I wasn’t proud of and that was maybe highly inappropriate in front of my children.

  “Mommy, do we get to keep Ben now that you love him again?”

  I looked down at Lucy and felt my heart fill up to the top with love and affection for all of the people in this room. I hadn’t been this filled with love in so very long. My grief and pain took a backseat to these beautiful feelings brimming at the top.

  “Yes, Luce, we get to keep Ben. Ben might just keep us too.” He squeezed my side to assure me that he would. I looked over at Blake, noticing that he had stayed silent. “Blake, how are you doing, Buddy? You up for this.”

  His cheeks heated with embarrassment, but he lifted his chin and gave us a brave look. “You’re happy again, Mom. Ben can stay for as long as you want him to.”

  Ben chuckled, “That is a good answer from a good man. I might be able to learn a thing or two from you, kid.”

  Ben helped me take the kids upstairs and get them ready for bed. He stayed the night with me, in my bed. It took some mental adjusting, but… I didn’t vomit.

  And we didn’t have sex.

  He held me through the night and I adapted to a body beside me. A body that wasn’t Grady’s. I knew this would take time. I was okay with that. And Ben was okay with that.

  It would be another year before he asked me to marry him. He would wait until the kids were asleep and then one warm fall night, he would lead me to my backyard where the Adirondack chairs still sat, and he would kneel before me and ask me to be his wife.

  I would be ready by then. I would still cry and later that night I would cry again and say goodbye to Grady again, but I would also say yes to Ben.

  By then he would know my parents and my in-laws and my sister so well that they would be his family too. And I would know his parents and my kids would know his parents and learn to call them Grandma and Grandpa.

  Actually, they would call Sharon and Mark their grandparents long before they called Ben dad.

  We would get married in my backyard in a small wedding with only our closest friends and family. I would move Grady’s ring to a necklace that I never took off and Ben would place his diamond on my ring finger as my husband.

  I would trade my married name for Ben’s name and I would be proud to be Mrs. Tyler, even though my kids all kept Carlson.

  We would put Ben’s house for sale soon after that because he had always planned to move in with us.

  Like he said, my house had always felt like a home to him. His house was just a house.

  We de
cided to keep his bed though.

  It was important that we didn’t keep everything exactly the way it was in my house.

  Ben would be the father that watched my kids grow up and the husband that would grow old with me. He would help me drop my children off at college and walk my daughters down the aisle when they got married. He would be the one that held my grandchildren and watched as my already big family expanded. He would be my second chance at love and happiness and a sequel to my happily ever after.

  But most importantly, he would always be the man that gave me life after death.

  The man that helped me through the five stages of grief.

  I would always love Grady.

  But I would always love Ben too.

  Sometimes love didn’t make sense. And that was okay. It was far better to know love and accept love than try to understand it.

  I truly hope you enjoyed Liz and Ben’s love story. Look for me on Facebook so we can recover together! The Five Stages of Falling in Love was my debut adult novel. While I have many young adult and new adult books already available, look for my next adult contemporary, Every Wrong Reason, September, 2015.

  Acknowledgments

  To God, always the first portion.

  And then to Zach. Thank you for enduring my endless tears and for teasing me constantly. You are it for me. In every way. I love you more than life. More than anything. You have made this life beautiful for me and for our kids. Without you, I would be a fraction of the person I am. Thank you for always supporting me, for always loving me and for always putting up with me.

  Mom, thanks for loving even this one. The five stages suck. I’m blessed to know such a strong, faithful woman. You’re my hero.

  To Carolyn, thank you for all of your hard work and sharp eye. Thank you for homophones and sentence fragments and for always being right.

  To Caedus Design Co., thank you for the incredible cover! I am in awe of your talent. Cannot wait until you make me another one!