“I know.” Kimber sighed. “I just hate her. I wish you were still cheering.”
I placed the cap back on my water. “Have you talked to Cole at all?”
“He’s called,” she hedged.
“Kimber…”
“No.”
“Maybe you should answer next time he calls.” I was convinced that if they just talked, they could work it out.
“I can’t.”
“Why not?” I leaned across the table.
“Because I’ll forgive him,” she whispered.
Relief washed through me. She still loved him. Kimber and Cole would be back together, and everything would go back to normal. I ignored that tiny bit of relief that her plan to make Cole jealous would be no more. And the boy she thought would be perfect for that plan would be no more. “It’s okay to forgive him.”
She shook her head. “I can’t just forgive him. I want him to know what it feels like.”
Oh, no. “What do you mean?”
Before she could answer, Amber, one of the girls I used to hang with when I cheered, ran up to our table. She gave me the smallest of smiles before turning to excitedly beam at Kimber. “Did you hear?”
“Hear what?” Kimber asked.
“There’s a new guy.”
My stomach dropped.
“He’s so hot,” she drawled.
“Who is it?” Kimber asked.
“I don’t know his name.” Amber looked up, toward the cafeteria door. “But he just walked in.”
With a lump in my throat I turned to see. It couldn’t be.
It was.
“His name is Sam,” Kimber told her with a slightly haughty tone.
“You know him?” Amber asked, awed.
“We’ve met,” Kimber answered mysteriously.
The girl responded, but I didn’t hear. There was a ringing in my ears. I couldn’t drag my eyes away from him. He was so…
His eyes found mine; I felt my own widen.
I looked away, smoothing my hair around my scars.
“Did you hear me?” Kimber asked, leaning across the table.
“Sorry, what?” I looked up. Amber was gone.
“I said it looks like I’ve found my man to make Cole insanely jealous.”
That’s what I was afraid of.
It was spring, but the air was still cool, and I was grateful. Warm weather was not my friend; I couldn’t wear hoodies and layers of clothes to hide behind. I huddled a little deeper into my jacket and hustled toward my destination. Just the sight of the weathered red barn was enough to soothe some of the day’s worries away. I’d always liked this place, but ever since I woke up in the hospital with huge ugly scars on my face and no memory of how I got them, my grandmother’s home was the only place I felt truly at ease. She was the only person in my family that didn’t coddle or smother me with unwanted pity and worry.
I heard the soft rustle of hay, and I smiled. He knew I was coming. Once I reached the barn I walked directly to the first stall and looked into waiting, coal-black eyes.
“Jasper.” I crooned, reaching out to stroke him. “Hi, boy. I’ve missed you.”
The chestnut colored horse made a soft sound and pushed his nose toward me. Gran had three horses, each of them unique and special in their own way. But Jasper was my favorite. He was a balm to my wounded spirit.
“I brought you something.” I reached into the bag I was carrying and pulled out a crisp red apple. The horse stomped his foot impatiently. I laughed. “Here you go.” As he chomped, the other two horses neighed for their treats. I passed out the fruit and returned to Jasper with a small caddy of brushes.
As I curried him my thoughts wandered a place it shouldn’t…to Sam. I didn’t want him to be a new student at my school. I didn’t want the halls to be buzzing about how cool and good looking he was. I did not want him to be in my seventh period home economics class. I absolutely did not want Kimber using him as some sort of pawn. I did not want to feel anything for him. But I did. I wasn’t even sure what it was. Maybe it was just nerves. A new kid would be curious, interested in knowing how I got to be so ugly. People would talk to him about it – talk to him about me. I could just hear what they would say…
No one knows what happened…not even her.
She’s a freak.
She used to be so popular…now she’s nobody.
Jasper nuzzled my arm, bringing me back to the moment. I shook my head, clearing it. I went about my routine of brushing and saddling the horse. I did a good job of keeping my thoughts at bay until I rode Jasper out to my favorite wooded trail where my thoughts went right back to Sam. Right after the final bell at school, I rushed to my locker wanting to get out of there. I was hoping to avoid Kimber, but I wasn’t fast enough. She wanted to talk about Sam and her plan for revenge. Thankfully, Grandma was waiting outside for me, and I managed to escape, but not before promising to call her when I got home.
I wanted to tell her that this plan to use Sam was stupid. I wanted to tell her to forgive Cole already and move on. But I wouldn’t. I was chicken. I didn’t used to be this way. Before. Whatever happened changed the way I viewed, not just my appearance, but my worth. Sometimes I wondered which was worse. Maybe if I still had the confidence I used to have, I wouldn’t care that half of my face was disfigured. But my confidence was gone – just like cheerleading, the drama club, my fabulous fashion sense, and my friends. All I had left from my old life was Kimber. So, if concocting some stupid scheme to get back at Cole for cheating was what she wanted, then I would go along, because if I didn’t, I wouldn’t have anything left at all.
Jasper danced beneath me, and I patted his neck to settle him. I took a moment to gaze off into the newly budding trees ahead. Soon the forest would be a canopy of green, and I looked forward to it. I always felt at peace and protected among the trees here. Somewhere off to my left I heard a branch snap. Startled, I looked to where I’d heard the noise; there was nothing there. I nudged a reluctant Jasper along, feeling silly, yet I couldn’t convince my heart to slow down. A few feet farther there was another snap, this one a little closer than the last. Jasper’s ears pricked up, and he turned toward the sound. Suddenly his nostrils flared, and he took off running. I grasped at the reins but didn’t bother to try to slow him down; if he sensed danger then I wanted him to run. I tucked my head down and urged him faster. I thought I heard another scuffle behind us, but I didn’t turn to look. Broken memories and feelings began building in my chest. I felt like I might burst with anxiety. A sob escaped.
“Not again.” I trembled, urging Jasper faster. The roof of the barn came into view, and I held on to the sight. I was almost there. I tried to listen for anyone following but heard nothing except the pounding of my own heart. When we reached the barn, I took a deep breath and turned to look behind me. There was no one there.
I felt silly.
Though, silly as I felt, I didn’t slow Jasper down until we were safely inside the barn. Once there, I dismounted and swung the barn doors closed, bolting them. I ignored the trembling in my knees and hands as I lead Jasper to his stall. I tried to take comfort in the fact the horse showed no signs of distress.
I couldn’t.
With Jasper in his stall, I walked to a corner of the barn filled with hay, sank down and cried my eyes out.
The Hate
Her crying amused me. She came prancing into the forest on that silly horse not even realizing I was watching. The horse noticed, but as always she was too involved in herself to notice that it was trying to warn her. She trotted right past me, so close that I could have reached out and touched her. Ahh, to see the terror in her eyes when she realized that all that looking over her shoulder wasn’t for nothing. That there really is a monster in the shadows…waiting. But the time isn’t right yet, and it was all too easy to scare her. All I had to do was make a single sound to send her fleeing the woods with fear on her face. Her cowardice annoyed me.
Months I have been stalking her,
and I still can’t figure out what it is that he loves so much. I guess some might call her beautiful – well they would have. I took care of that. With those huge, disgusting scars on her face, no one can stand the sight of her. Still, he watches her. He obsesses over her. He doesn’t see the real her, he sees what he wants to see. He’s blind to her. What he needs is a lesson…an education on all things about ‘little Miss Priss.’ Maybe then he would finally see what world he belongs in. He’s fooled himself into thinking that there might be some good left inside him. But no more. I wonder who he will turn into when he sees her dead and lifeless body lying before him. Yes, when she is dead he will finally accept what he is and who he isn’t.
The Hope
Her crying was unsettling. I wanted to reach out to her and take away her pain, but without pain there would be no joy. I took a moment to close my eyes to feel the warmth of love and peace course through me, and I sent it out to her for comfort.
It disturbed me that she was being watched by those with sinful agendas. Her path was so tentative it could turn either way. I prayed that she would choose the path that would lead her towards happiness. She could be the answer — but she would need help. I looked upon her once again; she lay crying in a darkened corner, looking alone and lost.
You are not lost. You are brave.
Love is the answer to it all.
Your turn for love is near.
I prayed that he was deserving of her love. I prayed that he could cast aside what he probably should be. It takes a brave and strong soul to deny part of yourself, not many can accomplish it. I watched her for another long moment. It was still too early to know which way this would go.
The road ahead holds many tests challenging everything she ever believed. I whispered a prayer for her inner strength to guide her on her path. She was going to need it.
Heven
A long while later I let myself into Grandma’s kitchen. I wasn’t crying anymore; I was seething with anger.
“How was your ride?” Grandma asked, her back turned, as she stirred something in a pot on the stove.
“Fine.”
She turned and glanced at me as I poured a glass of water. “I saw you and Jasper run into the barn from the forest.”
“Thought I heard something.”
“Probably just a squirrel, they’ve begun coming out now that the weather is warming.”
I said nothing because that was why I was angry. It probably was just a squirrel, and I acted like I was being hunted by a…well by who knows what? I was a stupid scaredy-cat! My own shadow scared me, and it was embarrassing. At the moment it also made me extremely angry. I didn’t want to be a baby.
“I made spaghetti,” Grandma said, pretending not to notice my foul mood.
“It’s Thursday. I have Bible study at church, remember?”
“Not tonight. I called your mother and told her I needed you to help me with some chores around the barn.”
“Everything looked done to me.”
“It’ll be our little secret,” Grandma said, turning to wink at me.
I smiled. “I’m surprised she agreed. I didn’t go earlier this week either.” This meant that I would probably get a lecture later on skipping church and being unavailable to God. I sighed.
“I’m sure you could use the break,” she said, placing a plate of spaghetti in front of me. Could she know how tied up I felt inside?
“Thanks.”
She joined me at the table with a plate of her own and a basket full of garlic bread, which she placed directly in front of me. I took a piece, not wanting to seem unappreciative of the meal.
“How is school?”
I took a small bite of spaghetti; it was warm and slightly sweet. “Fine.”
“Nothing new going on?”
“Kimber and Cole broke up.”
She smiled. “I’m sure it’s temporary.”
I nodded, not wanting to go into details. I took another bite, and I surprised myself by saying,“We got a new kid.”
“How exciting.”
I shrugged. “He’s in my home economics class.”
Grandma leaned across the table to whisper, “Is he handsome?”
I giggled. “Yes.”
“Have you talked to him?”
My smile faded. “No.” He doesn’t even know I’m alive.
“Maybe you should say hello.”
“Why would he want to talk to me?” I felt embarrassed to say it out loud.
“Why wouldn’t he?”
I shrugged, sorry to have brought up Sam.
Grandma sighed. “You are far more than those scars, Heven.”
My eyes flew to her face. Not many people brought up my face. It was dangerous territory. Instead of getting angry I felt my eyes fill. “I’m hideous.”
“You could never be hideous.”
“Forget it.” I wanted this conversation over.
“I can’t forget it,” Gran said, not giving up so easily. “I don’t like to hear you talk about yourself that way. Your scars do not define you, young lady. Your actions do.”
“It’s hard to act confident when I feel anything but,” I mumbled.
“I know that.” Gran reached across the table and covered my hand with hers. “But hiding from who you are isn’t going to make you feel any better.”
I let my fork fall to my plate. I didn’t want to hide who I was – I just wasn’t sure who that was anymore.
“Pass me the bread,” Gran asked.
It was right next to her, so I figured that was her way of telling me that she was finally going to let it go. Grateful, I passed the bread.
We finished the meal in silence.
The next morning Kimber laid on the horn earlier than usual. I ran down the stairs calling a goodbye to Mom, not even bothering to pretend to have breakfast. As usual I stopped at the big mirror by the front door and forced myself to look up. My blond hair hung over my shoulders and face, concealing as much as it could. It wasn’t as shiny or healthy looking as Before, and my blue eyes were a little dull. I told myself it was because I hadn’t slept well the night before. I never bothered with makeup anymore, but at least my skin was clear. I was dressed in my usual baggy shirt and jeans. Kimber laid on the horn again, and I ran out the door.
“You in a hurry?” I grumped, sliding into the passenger seat.
“You didn’t call me last night,” she accused.
“Sorry.”
“I called you like a hundred times!”
“I was tired. Is something wrong?” I looked over at her. She was dressed just as fierce as always. Her thick red hair tumbled over her shoulders and she was wearing a long knit dress with a bold, colorful print. Her denim jacket was scuffed up and worn in all the right places. She didn’t look like anything was wrong.
“We have been invited to a party this weekend!”
“Great.”
“Ask me who.”
“Whose party is it?”
“Josh Turner’s!”
“The varsity quarterback?” I asked curiously.
“Yes!” She clapped her hands, about to burst.
“Wow.”
“I know, right? It is going to be awesome! His parties are legendary.”
“Yeah.” His parties were always the topic of conversation for weeks afterward. Even though Kimber and I had never been to one, we always heard every last detail in the hallways at school.
“Aren’t you excited?” she asked, exasperated.
“Thrilled.” I tried to inject some enthusiasm in my voice.
She pinned me with a look that made my stomach hurt. “You are not getting out of this one. You’re going.”
I wet my lips with my tongue.
“It’s tonight.”
“Tonight!” I gasped.
“Yes. Come over after school, you can borrow something to wear.”
“I can’t.”
“Please…” she sang.
“I can’t.”
�
�Please, please, please…”
Her begging was pathetic.
“We have been waiting for an invite to one of these since freshman year!”
That was true. “You go…without me.”
“If you don’t go, I don’t.”
“That isn’t fair,” I groaned.
“I’ll hold it over your head forever!”
“Fine,” I agreed, weary.
She squealed as she pulled into the parking lot at school. I was actually glad to be here just to get out of the car. “Have you talked to Cole?” I asked just because I was mad that she’d guilted me into going to the party.
She made a face. “Yesterday. Something else you would have known if you’d have called me back.”
I straightened the hood on my head and stifled an eye roll.
“He wants to get back together.”
“Did you forgive him?” Hope bloomed in my chest.
“Are you kidding? I told him I wasn’t sure what I wanted.”
“Why would you say that?”
She shrugged. “Let him wonder for a while.”
I opened the door to get out.
“He’s coming tonight,” she said over the hood of her car.
Great. More drama. Maybe I’ll have a panic attack, and it will really be fun.
“My plan begins tonight.”
My heart froze. “You’re plan?”
“Sam is bound to be there tonight. He’s, like, the biggest attraction at school right now.”
“What are you going to do, Kimber?”
She smiled. “You’ll see.”
Chapter Four
Heven
I looked down at the clothes draped across my bed and frowned. How did I get myself into this situation? Just minutes before, Kimber had dropped me off with a promise to return to get me later. I stood there wondering if she’d believe me if I suddenly got sick. Not likely.
The outfit she picked out was gorgeous, of course. Too gorgeous. I didn’t wear stuff like this anymore. What was the point of trying to look pretty? The dark denim jeans were designer, and so was the top. It didn’t have a hood. It was a V-neck. Ugh.
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