Masquerade

by Cambria Hebert

  “It’s a slippery slope to sin.”

  “What are you saying, Mother?”

  “After you missed so much Bible study lately the pastor tried to tell me, but I wouldn’t listen. But after what I just saw…I can’t ignore it.”

  My stomach cramped. This wasn’t going to be good. “I’ll be better,” I promised, not even understanding what I was promising.

  “It’s too late. You were marked, the damage is done.”

  “Marked?”

  “By evil. That scar on your face proves it.”

  “You…you… think I’m evil?” I swallowed the bile rising in my throat.

  Mom stood from the table and smoothed her skirt and top. “Don’t worry, we can fix this.”

  How do you fix someone you thought was evil?

  “There is this camp, beginning right after school lets out. It will save you.”

  “I…” My own mother thought I was evil, and that my scars proved it. I’d thought a lot about these scars, how they made me look and feel. But never once, not in a million years, had I ever thought that they were because I was marked by evil. But my mother had. My own mother didn’t think I was good, she was ashamed of me. I felt myself worth shrivel.

  “I know you have questions about camp. I need to use the restroom, and then we can have a long talk.”

  Numbly I nodded as she went. At the door she paused and looked back. “This is for the best, Heven. Someday you’ll thank me.”

  When the bathroom door closed behind her, I went to the back door and opened it soundlessly. There, beneath a large oak tree was Sam. His face was drawn and pale. He’d heard everything. We stared at each other from across the yard; the distance between us seemed tremendous. From inside the house I heard the toilet flush. I jumped, and Sam stiffened. Moving quickly I stepped out onto the porch, shutting the door behind me. I couldn’t stay here. When I reached him he held out his hand, and I took it.

  Then we ran.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Heven

  Where did you go when your life was spiraling out of control? To a place that felt safe. A place you knew you could be yourself.

  Even if being yourself meant being evil. Deep down I knew I wasn’t evil but a small part of me whispered, “What if?”

  “Take me to my grandma’s. Please,” I whispered. It hurt to talk. It hurt to breathe. How could she think that I was evil? Was I?

  Sam nodded and fired up the engine of his truck. At first I thought him watching over me was like being stalked. Now, I was thankful. Things between me and him were not even close to being good, but if I was honest with myself (and right now I had to be), I trusted him. I peeked over at him to see him staring through the windshield, jaw set, face hard. My mother hadn’t been nice to him, banning him from the house and looking at him like he was trash.

  “I’m sorry.”

  The wheel jerked beneath his hands and he looked over at me. “You’re sorry?”

  “My mother was very rude to you.”

  “Rude to me?” he choked. “I don’t care about me. I’m so sorry that she said those things to you. It’s all my fault. If I hadn’t brought China into your life then your mother wouldn’t think that you are evil. Shit, because of me, your own mother thinks you were marked by Satan.”

  I stared out my window. I didn’t want to think about the things she’d said.

  “It’s not true,” he said roughly.

  “Maybe it is.” Ahh, and there was the thought that bothered me most. What if there was something bad inside of me?

  He laughed a hollow sound. “I know all about evil, and you are not it.”

  “Do you?”

  “I’m a hellhound, Heven.”

  I still had no clue what that really meant. We turned onto the dirt lane that led to Grandma’s house, and I began to panic. What if Mom called her? What if Grandma turned me away and said she agreed with my mother? What would I do, where would I go? I couldn’t breathe, and I clawed at my throat, wheezing. My whole body began to shake and I broke out in a clammy sweat.

  I felt a strong hand on the back of my head, forcing it down between my knees. “Deep breaths, honey. In, out, in, out.”

  I tried to match my breathing to his voice, and after several tries, some of the tightness in my chest receded. I kept my head down because I didn’t want him to see my tears. This was by far the worst day of my life.

  “It’s okay. Everything’s going to be fine.”

  I noticed that the truck wasn’t moving anymore. I looked up. We were parked near the house, beneath a tree. Sam swiped the pad of his thumb across my cheek. I sighed, sitting all the way up. He already saw that I was crying. “Thanks for giving me a ride.” I placed my hand on the handle to get out.

  “What? I don’t even get a thank you for giving you a ride?” he asked in mock horror.

  I smiled and turned back toward him. “Thank you, Sam. For the ride.”

  “There’s that beautiful smile. I missed it.” He said, his fingers inching across the seat toward me.

  I turned away, pulled the handle and opened my door.

  “You can walk away from me just like that?” he asked low, all trace of joking aside.

  No.

  I was in his arms, crushed against him so fast that I wasn’t aware he’d moved. A broken sob escaped me, and I pushed closer against him. I knew that I should think about everything he’d done and all the things I had yet to know, but in that moment I didn’t care. He made me feel better, and that counted for something, didn’t it? I felt his lips brush the top of my head, and I let him hold me a little longer. Too soon, I sat up, putting distance between us. Out of the corner of my eye I saw movement and looked toward the house. Grandma was on the porch, watching us with the phone clutched in her hand.

  “I have to go.”

  “I’m coming with you.”

  “You can’t.”

  “I will not leave you here unless I know she…”

  “Doesn’t think I’m evil too?”

  He gave a tight nod. I looked past him to Grandma. She waved. Swallowing my fear I got out and went around the truck toward the porch. I couldn’t stop the tears that filled my eyes.

  “You’re mother called,” Gran said, frowning.

  I nodded.

  “I told her you would be staying with me for a while.”

  Relief poured through me so great that I staggered. I heard a truck door slam behind me, and I held up my hand to tell him I was fine. “Thank you, Grandma.”

  Her eyes softened. “You couldn’t possibly think I’d turn you away? My favorite granddaughter?” She shook her head. “Come inside, you look like you need some coffee. And bring your friend; it’s clear he’s not leaving until he knows you’re safe.” The door shut softly behind her.

  I turned and motioned for Sam. He was out of the truck instantly. A hysteric laugh bubbled out of me. Sam reached my side. “What is it?”

  “She invited you in.”

  “Well of course I did, I know a good man when I see one,” Grandma called from behind the screen.

  I laughed again. Sam took my elbow and guided me into the house.

  If Grandma only knew.

  “Tell me,” Grandma said, sitting down across from Sam and me.

  I looked down at the coffee she’d just handed me. Sam paused in his inhalation of a plate of muffins that sat between us. My stomach revolted just looking at them. “I thought Mom called you.”

  “She did. I’d like to hear your side of things.”

  “She doesn’t approve of me,” I said, skirting around the ‘E’ word.

  “How so?”

  I sighed. “She thinks I’m evil. She thinks my scar proves it.”

  “She said that to you?”

  I nodded, wrapping my hands around the mug. It was nice and warm. Beside me, Sam was quiet.

  “What else?”

  I repeated everything that happened from the time Mom found me in the kitchen making sandwiches with S
am. I left out the part about us kissing, because that was private. I ended with, “She wants to send me away to some church camp so that they can ‘fix’ the evil inside of me. I couldn’t be there, so Sam brought me here.”

  Throughout the explanation, Grandma sat quietly listening, sipping her coffee. When I was finished she sat silent a few more minutes before speaking. “It’s utter nonsense. I’m glad you came here.”

  “You mean you don’t agree with her?”

  “No. I knew your mother was very dedicated to the church, but I had no idea that she believed such…nonsense.”

  “I can stay?”

  “Of course you can. Now don’t you worry.” She reached across the table and patted my hand. “I’ll take care of your mother.”

  It was only early afternoon, and yet the day felt as if it dragged on forever. I was so exhausted, and not just from today, but since prom. After Gran promised me everything would be all right, she made lunch and insisted that Sam stay. It wasn’t uncomfortable because Grandma didn’t let it be. She seemed genuinely interested in getting to know Sam, and he didn’t seem to mind the questions. Probably because the questions were light, and the food was good.

  “Will you be in school tomorrow?” he asked now, standing beside his truck, keys in hand.

  “Yeah. Will you?”

  “I’m not sure.”

  “I have a few things to take care of.”

  “Well, thanks for today. For the ride.” I started to turn away.

  “Heven.” His voice was rough and so was his hand when he pulled me back. I looked down at where he held my arm, and his touch lightened, his thumb stroking the inside of my wrist. “I’ll be by in the morning to pick you up for school.”

  His light touch and gentle words made my eyes sting with tears. I willed myself to be strong, not to cry, but the idea of not seeing him really hurt. I didn’t want to send him away. Even so, I said, “I loved being here with you today, like this, I loved pretending that everything was okay, but it isn’t and I need time. Time to decide what I am going to do.”

  “Why?”

  “Because you lied to me. I don’t know if we can be together anymore.”

  Hurt flashed across his face, but he covered it. His grip tightened on my arm before he let go. I couldn’t help but feel like he was giving up, by not arguing, by not fighting to be with me. I wanted to be angry, but then I remembered what I’d just said. I couldn’t fault him for doing what I asked him to do.

  “If you don’t want to see me anymore then I accept that, but I will be around, watching.”

  “Is she really going to come after me?” Without thinking I reached up and touched my scars.

  “I won’t let her hurt you,” he vowed.

  But she already had, and really, hadn’t he been the one that had brought her attention to me? “I have to go.”

  He sighed and jammed his hands in his pockets. “If you need me, just call out my name. I’ll hear you and come.”

  “Go home, Sam. I don’t need you.” I tried to convince myself of that as much as I was trying to convince him. I knew I would need him if China came back to finish her task, but it was just as hard thinking about him being so close, when I didn’t know if I could trust him with my heart, but knowing he was the only one who would ever have it.

  It took all my courage to walk away. And when I did, I blinked back my tears because I had to be strong. I needed time – time to really convince myself that I didn’t need him, because deep in my heart I was afraid that I did.

  That night I had a nightmare.

  And the night after that.

  And the night after that.

  In fact, since I told Sam to go away, I had a nightmare every night for two weeks.

  They were always the same: dark, scary and lonely.

  They all started out the same. I was alone, walking home in the dark. I’d stayed too late at the library and the clicking of my high heels on the pavement was like an exclamation point that danger was lurking. Then there was the rustling of the bushes and the running…

  I woke up screaming.

  Every time.

  The first few nights Grandma came running into my room to see what was wrong. She’d rub my back and hum a lullaby, and I would pretend that it soothed me. When she was gone I would get up out of bed on shaking knees and run to my dresser for the bracelet Sam gave me. The metal always felt warm in my hand and the weight of it around my wrist was comforting.

  Only then could I sleep. I should just wear it to bed, but I was terrified that it would catch on the sheet or my PJs, and the clasp would break again. If it broke again who would fix it? I sent Sam away, and the bracelet was all I had left – except for the whistle. I still wore it every day; I wore it now, but it didn’t give me the same comfort.

  Grandma stopped coming in after a while, because I learned to quiet my sobs of fear. Sometimes I think she suspected I still had bad dreams, because every morning we would have breakfast together, and she would ask me how I’d slept. I didn’t bother lying like I would have to my mother. Grandma knew better, and I didn’t like the fib. She assumed my dreams were because my mother thought I was evil, and other than dropping off camp registration papers to Gran one day while I was at school, she hadn’t been by to see how I was at all.

  But I wasn’t having nightmares because of my mother.

  I was having them because of Sam.

  I missed him. Like a ghost, pain haunted me day and night, no matter where I went. He did come back to school, but he didn’t bother me; he didn’t even look at me. It was like he completely forgot I existed. Kimber was sure that it was just a fight (I didn’t tell her otherwise) and that we would make up, like her and Cole. I spent most of my lunch hours avoiding one of her schemes to get Sam back.

  I was so grateful when Friday came. I was exhausted and depressed. The weekend stretched before me, and I looked forward to being able to nurse my broken heart. It was a stroke of luck that Gran had her monthly bridge meeting at a friend’s house, and I was going to be spending the evening alone. Grandma made some noise about not going to stay with me, but I protested, saying I wanted to read a new book I found at the library.

  Once she was gone I changed into a pair of cotton pajama pants and a tank top and crawled into bed. I tossed and turned for a while, but my exhaustion won out, and I slipped into sleep…

  The dream began as it always did. I tried to wake up, but I was caught between the dream and reality. I got to the part where I was running and running, knowing that something was after me, and then I fell, scraping my knee on the hard pavement.

  This was where I always woke up.

  But the dream continued…

  The sting on my knee was burning, but it was the least of my worries. Whatever was chasing me had caught up and flipped me onto my back. I screamed and fought, flailing my arms and kicking my legs. I was no match for what had me, but I didn’t stop fighting.

  Until I heard the growl.

  I went still, peering up at my attacker. I thought my heart would pound out of my chest because the person who had me wasn’t a person at all. It was an animal: a large black animal that was snarling and showing its very lethal-looking teeth. Danger was screaming in my head, and I just wanted to get away. I tried to roll myself out from under it. Razor sharp claws bit into my arms, pinning me down. I felt the first warm trickle of blood on my skin, and I knew then that it would kill me.

  So I played dead.

  I lay utterly still, holding my breath, praying the thing would lose interest in its game if it thought it had already won. Miraculously, the creature began to back off. It took everything in me not to whimper from fear and pain. I lay there still as I could, barely breathing for long minutes after it left.

  When I was sure it was gone I opened my eyes and sat up. But the creature hadn’t left at all. It tricked me, and now it crouched before me ready to finish off its prey. Right before it launched I saw two others just like it approach. Their golden eyes
glistened in the dark, almost hypnotizing me.

  Agony searing through my body made me scream. I felt blood oozing all over me, but I had no idea where it was coming from. All I heard was snarling and high pitched screams as my flesh was torn again and again.

  Then it was over.

  The screaming stopped.

  Something warm surrounded me, making me feel safe.

  “You’re going to be fine,” he said.

  I liked his voice. It was raspy and deep. I tried to open my eyes to tell him to run away. It took several tries and when I did my vision was blurred.

  Even so, I would know him anywhere.

  Sam.

  “Help,” I choked.

  “Shhh. You’re safe.”

  “A…animal.”

  “I scared it away. I’m going to get you some help.”

  “Th-thank…you.”

  “I’m so sorry.”

  I didn’t understand why he sounded so sad. I couldn’t hold onto the thought because the pain was so bad that I began vomiting. Minutes or hours could have passed, but the next thing I knew I was at the hospital.

  “Please take care of her.” The warm safety of my savior’s arms was being taken away, and I wanted it back. Don’t leave me here!

  “Strap her down, she’s hysterical!” someone yelled.

  I began to scream and fight.

  “Heven, it’s me!”

  His voice was a lifeline, and I fought even harder to get to it. I heard a grunt and a swear before I managed to open my eyes. “Sam?”

  “You’re safe, sweetheart. It was only a nightmare. A dream.”

  I sagged against him and sobbed, griping fistfuls of his shirt. He held me for a long time while I cried. I couldn’t even be embarrassed because the dream was still so fresh in my mind. After a while my sobs quieted and I just lay against him, boneless. “I had a nightmare.”

  “I know.” His voice was hoarse. “This was the worst one yet.”

  I pulled back and looked up. “You know about my dreams?”

  “I hear you every night, crying. It’s horrible. Every night I pace the grass beneath your window, willing myself to stay outside. The fact that your grandma was here held me back, but tonight, she isn’t here. And…”