One Careful Owner: Love Me, Love My Dog

by Jane Harvey-Berrick

  “We’re not.”

  “Really? But Dan . . . I heard that you two were dating . . .”

  “It’s a long story.”

  “Perhaps you’ll tell it to me sometime. I’m not a complete bitch.”

  I frowned, and she laughed sadly.

  “I’ve been doing a lot of soul-searching since the last time I saw you. I suppose I should thank you. Although the home truths have been a bitter pill to swallow. If I can fix this . . .” and she waved her hand at me, “then maybe I’ll get my sister back, too.”

  Her voice was wistful.

  “I miss her, and I’ve missed out on so much of Katie’s life.” Then she slapped her hands on her knees. “But before that, we’ve got a busy day ahead of us. So drink that coffee . . . unless you’re going to throw up again.”

  My head was still pounding and Stella’s fizzing energy was making me dizzy.

  I took my coffee, staggered into the living room and slumped onto the sofa.

  Stan’s folded blanket was laying on the corner. Every room reminded me of him.

  Stella came and sat next to me as I fingered the soft material of his blanket.

  “I’m sorry about Stan,” she said quietly.

  I couldn’t speak, so I just nodded. Stella wrapped her arms around my shoulders and hugged me. It felt good, and there was no judgement in it, no motive other than friendship. After a minute, she let go.

  “I know he was important to you. Perhaps you’ll tell me why. One day.”

  I nodded wordlessly.

  “Now, I’m going to go home and get some clean clothes, but I’ll be back soon. We have somewhere we need to be.”

  “Today?”

  She nodded.

  “Today.” And she smiled sadly. “Trust me: Stan would approve.”

  Stella wouldn’t tell me where we going. We drove for nearly an hour and were on the outskirts of Cleveland, which made me twitchy, reminding me that I’d missed my date last night—something else to feel guilty about. Then she shocked the hell out of me by pulling into the parking lot of a rundown church.

  I gave her an incredulous look.

  “Come on,” she said firmly.

  The discrete poster on the door clued me in.

  Do you control your drinking or does it control you?

  Alcoholics Anonymous.

  Every Friday, 11AM.

  “I come here sometimes,” she said quietly. “It helps.”

  I took a deep breath and told myself this was something I’d done before and that I could do again. I knew Stella was right and I knew I was weak. Maybe this would make me stronger. I clenched my fists and walked inside.

  At the side of the church there was a gloomy room with dirty windows. Eleven people sat in hard wooden chairs laid out in a half circle. There were two exit points as well as the dingy entrance. I automatically counted the people: eight women and the rest were men. One was a woman in her twenties who looked broken and hopeless, her hair lank, her skin blotchy and greasy; there was a man in his seventies who wore a shirt and tie; the rest were in their fifties. I stuck out like a sore thumb—but really I fit right in, too.

  The man leading the meeting smiled but didn’t ask any questions, waving us into seats. Stella gripped my arm and stayed close.

  I glanced at each face, knowing that every one of them had done the sort of things I’d done; we’d all fucked up in our different and individual ways. We were all the same.

  When the speaker asked if anyone wanted to start, Stella gave me a quick smile.

  “Hi, I’m Stella and I’m an alcoholic.”

  “Hi Stella,” everyone replied with varying degrees of interest.

  My stomach churned and I started to sweat. I hated being here, but maybe I needed it, too.

  She squared her shoulders and began speaking.

  “I used to think I was just a social drinker until a friend slapped me in the face with the truth,” and she glanced down at me. “I’ve blamed it on a lot of things, my divorce, my ex-husband trying to take the house.” She sighed. “But really it goes back further . . . when I found my fiancé cheating on me . . . with my little sister.”

  My eyes darted to hers and I drew in a stunned breath. Stella grimaced and carried on.

  “She was always the clever one and I was the popular one, you know?” and she laughed awkwardly. “My sister became pregnant and I turned to my new best friend whiskey and soda. I said some terrible things to her . . . really bad . . . things I’m ashamed of. I blamed her for the way my life was falling apart, but it turned out she had no idea that the father of her child was my fiancé. The asshole had been dating us both at the same time. But by then the damage was done, and I was too proud, too stupid to admit that he’d played us. Then I met Bob, and I thought marrying him would fix everything, but really it just made it worse. I knew I’d reached another low when I hit on my sister’s new boyfriend. He turned me down and told me . . . he told me I had a problem.”

  She took a shuddering breath, and I reached up to squeeze her hand. She glanced down gratefully, then continued.

  “He was right, although it took me a while to realize it. And I also realized that I’d been angry for a long time. And it helped when I forgave my sister, but most of all, I’m working on forgiving myself. Well, this week I’ll have gone 100 days without a drink.”

  Everyone murmured congratulations, and Stella gave a small, embarrassed smile.

  “I can’t fix everything I’ve done wrong, but I’m going to try.”

  Alex

  THE DRIVE BACK from the church was quiet. We were both lost in thought. I was still tired and my headache had come back.

  Stella switched on the radio, tuning it to some jazz station, but after a minute she turned it off.

  “People love to gossip. They’ll all have an opinion. It didn’t go unnoticed that I picked you up from Mike’s bar last night. Besides, you’ve been a favorite topic since you arrived in town.”

  I stared out of the window. All I’d ever wanted was to be left alone—just me and Stan. Well, the joke was on me. I didn’t think I could feel more alone.

  “Some people will never accept you. I’m speaking from experience, of course.”

  I glanced at her sideways, but she was staring straight ahead.

  “Because of Katie’s father?”

  She shrugged.

  “Yes. It made the most fascinating gossip: two sisters, one man, a child out of wedlock, and the aforementioned sisters screaming at each other on Main Street. Riveting.”

  Her voice was sarcastic, but I heard the pain beneath it.

  “And now it’s happening again—the same two sisters, but a different man. You.”

  “How the hell did anyone come to that conclusion?”

  “Well, my very public display at Nancy and Spen’s party was the starting point, but also . . .” and she sighed, “Katie told her friend Holly that she and Dawn had stayed the night at the cottage. Holly is Gary Petz’ granddaughter and Ashley’s niece. Small town, you see. Word gets around—people draw conclusions.”

  I grimaced, but not because I thought she was wrong. The words weren’t exactly cheerful.

  “Don’t go into counseling, Stella. It’s not your calling.”

  She snorted, and when I glanced at her she was smiling.

  “I’m just saying you’re going to have to listen to some garbage and sometimes you’re going to have to walk away from it. But I say screw ’em. If their lives are so pathetic and unfulfilling that they’ve got to get their kicks by gossiping, then that’s sad. I think you should stay—you haven’t done anything. You’ve got nothing to be ashamed of.”

  That wasn’t true and I shook my head.

  “I don’t want to run anymore. But everything with Dawn got so messed up.”

  “What happened?”

  I rubbed my hands over my unshaven face.

  “She asked me if there was anything in my past that she should know, anything that might affect Katie
or . . .”

  “And you told her you’re an alcoholic.”

  “Yeah, and that was enough to make her walk away. And this morning . . . she’ll think . . . hell, you saw the look on her face. She’ll know that she made the right decision and . . .”

  I couldn’t finish the sentence, but I didn’t have to.

  “Alex, right now she feels betrayed—by both of us. To her, it must seem like history is repeating itself. All we can do is tell her the truth and hope that she believes us. I’m tired of fighting with her so I need to fix this for my sake as much as hers . . . and yours.”

  “Do you think she’ll listen?”

  “I’ll make her listen,” Stella said, her voice determined. “Whether she believes me . . . I think she’ll want to believe you . . .”

  “I know she cares about you,” I began. “She told me you were close as kids, but grew apart when you went to college. Now I know why. She admired the fact that you didn’t drag Katie into any of your issues. She appreciated that. And Katie likes you, so that’s a good start.”

  “Don’t tell me you’re going into counseling.”

  I shook my head, smiling. “Nah, I don’t think so—anyone who got counseling from me would be really fucked up, even if they weren’t when they came in.”

  Stella laughed but elbowed me in the ribs at the same time.

  “Smartass! But seriously, what are you going to do, now the cottage is finished?”

  I frowned and shook my head. “I need to do something. I just don’t know what that is yet.”

  I was lying. I knew exactly what I’d be doing later on this week—I’d be going to Cleveland to talk to Giselle again. I knew from experience that although the venue might move around, most events were monthly. That helped to build an audience. I just needed to wait.

  Stella patted my knee.

  “You’re a smart man; you’ll figure it out.”

  “What about you, what are you going to do?”

  “Fix things with my sister.”

  I watched Stella’s tail lights as her car bounced away down the road away from the cabin.

  Home. Now there was a misnomer. Without Stan, it didn’t feel like anywhere special, it was just another place to sleep. I stripped the sheets off my bed and tossed them in the washing machine, puttered around tidying up, but after a while, I couldn’t bear to be in the house without him, so I wandered outside and sat down next to his grave.

  “Hey, buddy. You probably know all about last night by now, and you’re probably pretty disappointed in me. That makes two of us; three, if you include Stella. She turned out to be okay—she even dragged me off to an AA meeting.”

  I sighed.

  “You were a good friend, Stan, my best friend and a great dog. I have never regretted having you in my life for one single day—not even when you pissed on the carpet and chewed the hell out of the furniture. Without you, I’d probably have drunk myself into a ditch two years ago. I’m kind of mad at you, though, leaving me like this, but I guess when your number is up, that’s it. I’ll miss you every moment of every day, buddy. I hope it’s good wherever you are, and they’re serving heavenly bacon sandwiches. Say hi to Carl for me.”

  I rubbed my eyes, and waited. I’m not sure for what—a sign that he’d heard me, something.

  The sounds of the forest were all around, and in the distance I could hear a powerboat on the lake. I leaned back against the broad trunk of the copper beech and stared up through a patchwork of russet leaves at the dull, iron-gray sky. Maybe I was waiting for the sound of barking, but it never came.

  Dawn

  Betrayed. By someone I cared about.

  Again.

  Betrayed. By my sister.

  Again.

  Seeing her standing at the cottage door, dressed in Alex’s t-shirt, I’d felt crushing pain deep inside my chest. I wanted to hurt her. I wanted to throw up. I wanted to hurt him. I wanted to run.

  Why did she hate me? I’d been just as much Matthew’s victim as she had. Why had she done this to me now? Why!

  It was too cruel.

  So I’d run. And then I’d broken down in tears on the way home and was forced to pull over because I knew that I wasn’t safe to drive.

  All the years of hurt and pain, anger and regret were released in a river of tears. I cried for myself, for the loss of my sister, for my fractured family, for the man I dared to believe in, for the future we’d never have.

  I wanted the tears to be cathartic, to wash me clean, to leave me with a new place to start, but all I felt was empty.

  I stumbled through the front door, relieved that Katie was with Holly, and I curled up on the sofa, cold and numb and so alone.

  I heard Katie’s voice in my head, You make everyone go away, and a fresh wave of tears swept through me.

  It all seemed so pointless. Why try so hard, when failure hurt so badly? Why bother to dream, when it all turned to nightmares?

  It was early evening when I heard a knock at my door. Night had fallen, and there wasn’t a single light on in the house. Dully, I stared at my watch. Katie wouldn’t be home for another hour—time to pull myself together.

  The knocking began again, louder this time.

  I hauled myself up from the sofa, a pounding headache making me slow and listless.

  When I pulled open the door, Stella was standing there.

  Stunned, I stared at her, then started to close the door immediately, but she pushed it open and stuck her purse in front of her so I couldn’t slam it shut.

  “I didn’t sleep with him,” she said abruptly.

  I stared at her disbelievingly.

  “I didn’t,” she said, her voice quieter now. “Alex loves you. He loves you.”

  A bitter laugh bubbled out of me. “This is low, Stel, even for you,” and again I tried to close the door.

  Surprising me with her strength, she shoved it wide open, pushing me backwards and inside.

  She pointed at me with one perfectly manicured finger.

  “Dawn, that man is in pieces because he thinks he’s messed up with you. And right now, he needs you.” Her hand dropped to her side. “So, please! Before you make a huge mistake, just . . . just hear me out. Please.”

  I folded my arms across my chest, trying to hold inside the hope that dared to bloom.

  “Why are you here, Stella? Really?”

  Her tough façade crumbled and she pressed her lips together.

  “I miss you. I want my sister back.”

  Nonplussed, all I could do was stare at her warily.

  “It’s true,” she pleaded. “I miss my sister. I know I blamed you for what happened with Matt, and that was wrong of me. I’m so sorry, Dawn. It’s not a great excuse, but I felt so humiliated and hurt, and I didn’t want to believe that he’d never cared about me. I let my pride get in the way of the truth, and I was angry with the wrong person. You’re my sister and I love you.” She took a deep breath. “And I’m so sorry.”

  Tears threatened, and I forced myself to swallow the lump in my throat. I’d waited to hear her say those words for more than eight years. I badly wanted to believe her, but . . .

  “Matthew . . . Matt . . . he played us both,” I said, my voice shaking. “I know that. I never wanted any of it to happen, but I have Katie, and she means the world to me.”

  “And to me, Dawn. She’s my niece and I love her to pieces.”

  “I know.”

  And I did know that. Stella had never let any of the bitterness or hurt affect how she behaved toward Katie. I’d always respected her for that.

  “I want to be a part of her life, Dawn. A real part of it before she gets too much older. She’s going to ask me why we’re always fighting and I can’t bear the thought of that. I want to be her Aunt Stella. Well, her cool Aunt Stel,” and she gave the ghost of a smile.

  It sounded wonderful. I ached to have my sister back, but the doubts wouldn’t be silenced.

  “I saw you, Stella. This morning. You wer
e wearing . . . you were wearing Alex’s t-shirt. You’d spent the night.”

  Stella grimaced.

  “I did, but it’s not what you think. I promise. I promise you! Nothing happened. Look, will you let me come in and sit down? I don’t need any more gossip in town about the battling Andrews sisters.”

  Silently, I stepped back, and with a final, searching look in Stella’s face, I walked into the living room, leaving her to follow me.

  She perched nervously on the edge of my battered sofa, her eyes wide, as if surprised that I’d allowed her in.

  “Thank you,” she murmured, glancing around the room.

  I nodded, waiting for her to explain.

  “It’s not what you think,” she began.

  “You already said that.”

  “Yes, but it’s true. I . . . I’m not sure where to start . . .” she took a deep breath. “I’ll start at Nancy and Spen’s party. I was miserable. Bob had been giving me a hard time and the lawyer’s fees were stacking up. I was drinking too much . . . and then I saw you with Alex. You looked so happy, just so right together. I was jealous. I’ve always been jealous of you, Dawn.”

  Her mouth turned down with her admission.

  I was stunned. I’d always believed that she was the charmed sister, the lucky one. I’d always been jealous of her.

  She cleared her throat.

  “When I saw you with him, I wanted to prove that I could be the sister men wanted after all. I realize now that I’d been holding onto all my anger over Matt for a long time. I still blamed you, even though I knew that Matt was a bastard. Anyway, as you know, Alex drove me home and that was that. He wouldn’t even come in for a drink. I know why now,” she said sadly. “Although there was more than one reason, of course. Anyway, shortly after that, I went to see him and . . . I made it pretty clear that I wanted to sleep with him.”

  Even though Alex had told me himself that Stella had hit on him, a hot bolt of anger had me clenching my fists. Stella licked her lips and hurried on.

  “He turned me down, of course. He wasn’t the slightest bit interested in me, and I admit that hurt my pride. He told me that he couldn’t be around anyone who drinks. I was so shocked! I’d never thought of myself like that. But it was the wakeup call I needed. I took a long, hard look at myself . . . and I didn’t like what I saw.”