“What’s wrong?” she asked, fearing that something had happened to his mom.
“Nothing. I just can’t stay.”
Haley had been putting her key into the lock of the security door, but she stopped to stare at him. “If nothing is wrong, then I’m an iguana.”
Damon didn’t smile. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
The very fact that he’d taken the trouble to come to her apartment hinted that he did want to talk about it. “You could have just called to tell me you’d changed your mind.”
He shook his head, more emphatic than he should have been. “No, because it’s not just tonight. It’s the whole thing.”
“What whole thing?”
“Us. This. It can’t happen any more.”
“Okay,” Haley said, because he seemed to expect a fight from her. His gaze flicked to hers. “So, you’ll say thanks by shaking hands and we’ll just part amiably?”
Damon exhaled. “Sure.”
He was really upset. Compassion welled in Haley and she knew she couldn’t let him go home alone just yet. She put out her hand and he shook it, quickly, but when he tried to let go, she tightened her grip. “What happened today?” she asked quietly.
This time, his words were more clipped and his eyes flashed. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
Haley guessed. “Things got worse for your mom?”
The fight went out of his stance and she knew she’d guessed right. “There’s no improvement from the chemo and radiation.”
“I’m sorry,” Haley said and meant it.
“I signed the DNR tonight,” he admitted heavily. “There won’t be any more treatment.”
If he’d known or suspected the truth before, the reality was hitting him now. Haley waited and watched, more than ready to listen.
Damon hauled his hand out of hers and shoved it through his hair. He swallowed and she was shaken by the anguish in his eyes. “But it’s not your concern.”
He wanted to put distance between them so badly, but he’d made the effort to come and see her. Haley had to think that he needed to talk to someone—and she was the only one in the vicinity.
“You know, I’m starving,” she said lightly. “Instead of saying thanks your usual wonderful way, why don’t you come up for something to eat instead? I’m not much of a cook, but the world always looks better after scrambled eggs and toast.”
“Scrambled eggs and toast?” He looked skeptical and Haley smiled a little.
“Perfect food.”
“Not hardly.”
“I really like scrambled eggs and it’s not good to eat something heavy at this hour.” Haley turned her key in the lock, noting that he didn’t leave. “Come on. Maybe my scrambled eggs will change your perspective.”
Damon shook his head, almost smiling.
“Keep me from eating alone. Come on.”
“Just to eat?”
“Exactly. Aren’t you hungry?”
“Maybe a little.”
“Then eggs it will be.”
His eyes narrowed a little but he caught the top of the door. “You’re not going to argue with me about ending it?”
“Ending the thing? I didn’t think we even had a thing, actually.” There was no one in the lobby. “We had sex and it was great, but a thing is something else altogether.” She punched the button for the elevator, aware that he was watching her. “I thought it was one point of agreement between us.”
He made a sound that might have been a muffled laugh. “I was all ready for a fight. You know, the usual one about the future and commitment.”
“It’s not my usual one,” Haley said and stepped into the elevator. “I don’t like to argue. It’s bad for the digestion.”
Damon filled the elevator again, as much with his raw size as his presence. Haley knew he was watching her and halfway wondered if she could change his mind about sex. She dared to say that out loud. “Sex might be good for you, you know. It helps a multitude of ills.”
“So, this is pity?”
Haley laughed as the elevator doors opened at her floor. “No. I like you. I think you need someone to talk to and I volunteer.” She bumped his shoulder, then continued to her apartment.
“You’re doing it again,” he accused as he followed her.
“Doing what?”
“Looking out for others first.”
“It’s a habit.” She flashed him a smile.
He leaned down beside her as she unlocked her apartment door. “So, why is it that you didn’t think this was a thing?”
“It can’t be a thing because I don’t want one.”
“Everybody wants a relationship.”
Haley shook her head, ushered him inside and locked the door. “Not me.”
“I don’t believe it.” He took her coat and hung it up, then hung up his own. They both left their boots on the tray.
Haley turned on the lights, closed the shades and went to the kitchen. “Well, you should. It’s true. I wouldn’t lie to you and I’m not deluded.”
“It’s like the candles.”
Haley laughed. “Maybe.” She pointed to the bar stool on the other side of the counter. “Sit. It’s a small kitchen and I can manage eggs on my own.”
Damon did as instructed, still watching her. “If you were anybody else, I’d think you surrendered that too easily.”
“But I’m only me.”
“And you’re very honest.” He braced his elbows on the counter as she got out the eggs. “So, tell me, why don’t you want anything more? Or is it just that you’re smart enough not to want more with me?”
“How could you be the issue?”
“I know I can’t give you more than we’ve had.”
“I don’t know why you’d think it would be bad to have more of the same.”
“You know what I mean. The problem with coming back is that people, women, start to have expectations about the future.”
“Well, I’m the odd one out, then. I just wanted sex and I’d still be up for more of it.”
Damon seemed to be perplexed. “Why?”
“Why not?”
“Why don’t you want more?”
Haley broke eggs into a bowl, considering her reply. She’d only tell him half of the story, but it would be more than enough. “Because I know better.” He shrugged, inviting her to elaborate. “My parents had a love affair that was the envy of everyone they knew. They’d met in high school, fallen in love at first sight, and loved each other more with each passing day. They had four kids and built a life together. They worked hard and they loved with all their might and everybody, everybody, held them up as an example of the perfect marriage.” Haley paused for breath, noting how Damon was looking confident.
“See? You must want the same thing.”
“Except that when I was sixteen, my father walked into the World Trade Center, doing the job he loved almost as much as he loved my mom, and he never came out again. My mother’s life was destroyed. Her heart was ripped out and shredded with his death, and she became a shadow of her former self. My sister and younger brother were too young to understand. My big brother didn’t know what to do. I was the one who had to help my mom get through the loss of the man who was more important to her than life itself.”
Damon sobered and waited.
Haley whisked the eggs while the skillet heated. “I picked her up every morning, and I held her tight every night. I didn’t know anyone could cry that much. She tried to put on a good face for friends and family, but she poured her heart out to me.” Haley frowned as she felt her own tears rise at the memory. “I decided then that I would never ever permit myself to be that vulnerable.” She shook her head. “I was sixteen when I chose to be the one with the career. I’d put everything into my job and that would make me happy—and no one could ever take it away from me.”
It wasn’t the whole truth, although it was true as far as it went. She quickly put out the dishes and cutlery, then put some b
read in the toaster.
“But that’s not true,” Damon protested. “People lose their jobs all the time.”
“Can you slice this, please?” she asked, giving him a tomato, a cutting board and a knife. He did as requested.
“But nurses can always find a position somewhere. Look around: I’m ready to go anywhere at any time. I have all the credentials I need and more.”
“That’s what you meant when you said you take care of yourself.”
“Absolutely.”
“But isn’t it lonely?”
“I work too much to be lonely.”
Damon arched a brow, looking skeptical as he finished slicing the tomato. “So, here’s the other side of the story. My dad died when I was six and my mom was devastated by the loss. He was the love of her life and she never stopped mourning him. But I took the opposite lesson from that. I believe that when you find someone to love, you should love them with all your might, because no one knows how long you’ll have.”
Haley gave him a look. “You do not.” She stirred the eggs, which were cooking quickly, then got down some plates. She pushed down the button on the toaster, then began to serve the eggs.
“What?” He seemed to be startled that she was challenging him.
“You don’t believe that. You can’t believe that.”
“Why not?”
“Because you’re alone, and I don’t believe that a man like you would be alone unless he chose to be alone.” She offered him the plate of eggs and he held her gaze for a minute before taking the plate.
“Extenuating circumstances,” he said and averted his gaze. “This looks great.”
“Uh huh.” Haley gave him a plate with toast and the butter dish. “Jam? Peanut butter?”
“Neither, thanks.” He took a bite. “Okay, you might be converting me. This is really good. Thank you.”
Haley gave him a wicked smile as she came around the counter to take the other seat. She sighed. “I like it so much better when you say thanks the other way.”
Damon chuckled and gestured to the couch. “If we end up there tonight, doesn’t that mean we have a thing?”
“No, it means you’ve said thanks. Again. No more and no less.”
He made a growly sound of disagreement but was too busy eating to argue.
Haley knew the opportunity to explain wouldn’t last but she wanted him to know that she really didn’t expect a long term commitment. “It’s like mermaids.”
“Mermaids?”
“I can like the idea of mermaids without believing they actually exist or that I’m going to meet one when I go to the beach.”
“Okay.”
“I can even like the idea that other people believe in mermaids without believing in them myself.”
Damon nodded. “But will you ever find a mermaid if you don’t believe in them?” he asked, not really talking about mermaids at all.
Haley shrugged. “I don’t know. I don’t really care. Maybe I wouldn’t even recognize a mermaid if I saw one.”
Damon leaned closer, his gaze locked upon her. “What about Aidan?” he asked softly. “How does he fit into this?”
Haley was shocked. “Aidan?”
How did Damon know about Aidan?
His gaze was unswerving. “You say his name in your sleep.” He nodded. “And smile.”
Haley looked down at her plate, appalled that she had been so indiscrete. Even asleep. “That’s not your business.”
Damon grinned. “That’s what I thought.”
Haley caught her breath, hearing his implication that she was deluding herself, if not him as well. “Aidan was a mistake,” she admitted, her words husky. “I broke my own rule, and proved to myself how right it was.”
“You loved him?” Damon was very interested in her reply, so interested that Haley found herself blushing. She knew he noticed that, too.
“Passionately,” she admitted, the eggs tasting like dust to her.
“You still do?”
“Absolutely. He was The One, but he married someone else.” Haley shrugged. “That takes me out of the game of spotting mermaids forever.”
Damon didn’t say anything.
She risked a glance his way to find his eyes dark. She felt the urge to warn him. “I’ll never love anyone the way I loved Aidan.”
“Maybe that’s a good thing.”
“It doesn’t matter. I knew better, but I ignored what I knew, so the lesson is learned.”
“And now there’s only work,” Damon concluded. “And sex.”
“You say that like it’s a bad thing.”
He slanted a bright glance her way. “Maybe I like you enough to want you to have more.”
“I don’t want more.”
“Maybe you should.”
Haley felt defensive. “No. I like this. It’s simpler and it makes me stronger.” She spun to her feet and carried the dishes around the counter to the sink, needing something to do with her hands. “It’s sensible. As long as I don’t surrender my heart to any one person, I can police my boundaries. I can decide when I’ve given enough and I can stop, and I can protect myself from the kind of hurt my mom still experiences to this day.” Despite her words, Haley felt raw and vulnerable, as if she’d shared too much. She cleaned the dishes quickly, unable to even glance Damon’s way.
She didn’t know what she’d do if he touched her.
Yes, she did know.
But it was just sex.
“I’m sorry,” Damon said quietly. “Aidan was an idiot.”
“No, he’s brilliant. Handsome, brilliant, he has it all.”
Damon snorted. Haley glanced at him, her heart skipping at the heat in his eyes. Their gazes held for a long moment, one that made her breath catch in her throat.
Then Damon got to his feet and turned away. He reached for his jacket and Haley understood. After he walked out the door, she was never going to hear from him again. A lump rose in her throat, one that challenged her own claim that it was just sex, but she ignored it.
She still wanted more.
Damon came around the counter, moving with that feline grace that made her knees weak. “Thanks for the eggs and the conversation.”
“Don’t go,” she said, her voice a mere whisper.
“I can’t do this anymore, Haley,” he murmured in reply.
“Just keep your promise and say thanks,” she replied. “Just one last time.” She saw him hesitate, but stretched up to touch her lips to his. Her heart fluttered at that fleeting contact, but he didn’t kiss her fully.
He was going to turn her down.
He was going to leave.
But then he sighed and lifted a hand to her cheek, sliding his fingers into her hair. He looked at her as if she held the keys to the universe and the corner of his mouth lifted in a tentative smile.
“I’ll have to do it twice,” he murmured, his breath across her lips. “Given the eggs.”
“Of course,” Haley managed to say, relief flooding through her, before Damon claimed her mouth in a hungry kiss.
She wrapped her arms around his neck and wished for the night to last forever.
Even though she knew it wouldn’t.
Chapter Six
It felt wrong to leave.
It would be even more wrong to stay.
Damon left Haley’s bed and her apartment without waking her. He walked home, across the park, not caring if it was safe or not. All he could think of was Haley’s fierce conviction that she didn’t want love or commitment in her life.
What kind of an asshole had Aidan been?
Haley was the kind of woman who would give everything to a partner, the kind of woman who wouldn’t back down from a challenge, the kind of woman who would be devastated to lose the love of her life. Damon only had to look at how she defended her mom to see the truth of her nature.
And he didn’t believe that with so much passion inside her, Haley could be happy with half-measures. She might be trying to protect
herself, but it was another way of cheating herself from everything she deserved to have.
Just sex was a compromise. It was less than it could be, because the emotional connection was lacking. It wasn’t making love. It was physically fulfilling but not emotionally so. People could trick themselves for a night or maybe two, but after three nights together, Damon knew it wasn’t just sex for him anymore.
He was falling hard.
But he knew that taking their relationship to the next step would make him worse than Aidan. He wasn’t capable of sustaining any kind of romantic relationship, and he wasn’t going to be the one to break her heart again.
Damon knew his limitations. As much as he regretted them, there was no doubting their reality.
He hadn’t left a note or kissed Haley goodbye. He had no plans to see her again because he knew that was the smart choice. That’s what he’d gone there to do and it said a lot about his own changing feelings that he hadn’t been able to decline her invitation to talk, much less her invitation to do it one more time. It had been slow and potent, both of them aware that it was the last time.
Funny how he felt so hollow.
Like Haley, he would have his work.
It didn’t seem like nearly enough.
Damon let himself into the house and listened to its silence. Empty. It was empty and devoid of life and laughter.
It was safer that way, he reminded himself.
That was how it was going to stay. He couldn’t destroy anyone or break any hearts when he was alone.
Damon shut and locked the door, then went to bed.
* * *
Haley was awake when Damon eased away from her and got out of the bed. She pretended to be asleep, knowing that he planned to leave silently.
He didn’t leave a note.
He didn’t kiss her goodbye.
He certainly didn’t wake her up.
This was it.
She listened to the door close behind him and heard his steps in the corridor. She heard the elevator but stayed in bed. She knew she wouldn’t fall asleep anytime soon, but she didn’t want him to see her watching him go from the window.
It was over.
Even though it hadn’t been a thing.
In the Midnight Hour Page 10