B005N1TFVG EBOK

by Bruce Elliot Jones

  For just a second Mitzi’s ears seemed to prick, she even lifted her head a little. I saw her black nose twitch once.

  “Nice plump rabbits,” Clancy urged.

  I turned to her, baffled. What was going on? Were we taking the dog to the lake to chase rabbits? But Clancy wouldn’t meet my eyes, her expression passive.

  “What did you want to talk about?” I finally asked.

  “Oh. right. Alicia. It seems I’m being promoted.”

  I felt a wash of relief. I’d been sure she was going to say that Alicia was onto us somehow. “Well, that’s good news. Did Alicia make the offer over lunch?”

  Clancy gave me a patient look. Right. Vampires don’t go to lunch.

  “She took me shopping mostly. A whole new wardrobe. Little more upscale, she feels, than my current taste. She’s opening a new body shop in Kansas City, wants me to head up the franchise. It’s quite a testimonial, actually.”

  I thought I saw Mitzi break stride for a second.

  “Oh?” I nodded agreeably. “And you accepted, of course.”

  “Well, of course. This is a great streak of luck for us. Not only does it underscore her trust in me, it keeps me close to the center of her operations.”

  “Not so close to us, though…” Mitzi muttered.

  Then I thought I saw Clancy break stride. “Yes, that’s true. At least for the short term.”

  Mitzi craned back for a second, glanced at me. “So, let me get this straight, Miss Cummings. You’re off to K.C. with our vampire friend while Eddie and I hold down the fort here in Topeka, that it?”

  “Something like that.”

  Mitzi shot me another quick look. “So, when it’s finally out that the Mayor and his friends have gone missing, you’ll be safely away in another town. With an air-tight alibi. While Ed and I hang around here, up to our asses in police and vampires.”

  Clancy adjusted her shoulder strap. “I…think that might be best in the beginning, yes. Later, of course, you can join me in K.C.”

  “How much later?” from an unrelenting Mitzi.

  “I don’t know. Later. When things have settled down.”

  “’Settled down.’ And where will you be staying in good ole KC, Irish? If I’m not prying.”

  “To tell the truth…“

  “Yes, please tell the truth!” from Mitzi.

  “…Alicia has a little place down by the Plaza.”

  “Wow! Classy! So you’ll be staying together then.”

  “For a short while, yes. Look, it’s only until—“

  As we passed the mouth of an alley I heard someone call out softly. “Hey…”

  We turned to find a figure standing in shadow between narrow brick walls lined with metal trash cans, discarded boxes. “…spare a little change?”

  It was a man—hard to discern in shadow but he looked maybe thirty, unshaven, disheveled. I saw Mitzi’s muzzle wrinkle at a smell; even I could detect: liquor and sweat.

  I reached for my wallet, wanting to get it over with and back to business. “I only have a few bucks,” I told the man.

  I held out a five spot to the shadows. That’s when I saw the gun. It was aimed at Clancy. “What’s in the bag, lady?”

  Clancy stood her ground, looking not at all in the mood for this. “Mostly sunglasses, actually.”

  The man stepped further into alley darkness, beckoning us inside with his free hand. “Yeah? Let’s have a look.”

  Clancy just stood there for a second. Then she heaved a sigh and stepped into the alley. “What’s your style?” she asked, business like, “polarized, aviators?”

  The man pointed to the brick floor of the alley. “Dump it.”

  Clancy watched him a patient second…

  Just do it. Clancy! I thought.

  …then upended the bag. It rained sunglasses. Lipstick, compact, box of tissues.

  Mitzi gave Clancy a nervy look. “There’s no leash in there!”

  “Shut-up, Mitzi,” I told her, then out loud to the man: “Take your pick, huh, and we’ll be on our way.”

  The man ginned yellow teeth, waved the gun at the empty bag in Clancy’s hand. “What about the side pockets?”

  “Why?” Clancy replied coolly, “are you out of tampons?”

  “Unsnap ‘em!”

  “Look—“ I began.

  Clancy waved me off, bent to the sunglasses, began scooping them back into the bag. “We’ve got sunglasses and we’ve got five bucks,” she told the man. Then looked up challengingly into his eyes. “Take one or the other or take off.”

  The man showed her more of his smiling yellow teeth. Then shot her in the forehead.

  Clancy smacked backward into brick wall, collapsing into a heap.

  “NO!” I screamed.

  The man swiveled the gun my way. Mitzi, eyes suddenly bright, muscled body looking twice its normal size, went for his throat.

  The gun went off twice more.

  Then the man was on his back, wedged and scrunched kicking between trash cans, screaming as Mitzi bore down. It all happened faster than a thought.

  And then the man wasn’t kicking anymore, just whimpering…and then not even that. And Mitzi still wasn’t letting go.

  “Mitzi, no! You’ll kill him!”

  She ignored me. The man’s arms flopped, his legs kicked weakly again, and he lay still.

  Mitzi bit deeper through a fresh fountain of blood.

  I came out of my trance, launched myself at the dog. “Mitzi!”

  As I reached out she spun on me with almost supernatural speed, the man’s neck still hanging from her red-flecked muzzle, a warning rumble in her chest. Her eyes were enormous, aflame and glistening, her throat continuing to swallow convulsively of its own accord.

  I stepped back in shock. “Mitzi…”

  A hand clamped my shoulder--made me jump and yelp.

  Clancy was beside me, staring down quietly at the two on the alley bricks. “Don’t go near her now,” she told me quietly, face eerily impassive. “She’s feeding.”

  I slipped away from Clancy’s touch, eyes riveted to the purple hole between her eyes, the shiny point of lead protruding from it. There was no blood at all.

  She saw my expression, colored and turned slightly away. “Sorry.”

  She reached up with both hands, pressed her fingers to the forehead skin on either side of the slug. It emerged like a fat, grey pimple, finally popped free in a thin membrane of red.

  She caught the bullet one-handed, held it up in her open palm. She studied it calmly a moment, her expression holding a kind of lost look, like a little girl.

  Then she blinked, remembered I was there, looked up and shrugged apology. “I’m sorry, that was gross. Are you okay?”

  I couldn’t seem to find my voice. I was both repulsed and embarrassed for her.

  She sighed, nodded wistfully. “I know,” glancing over pensively at Mitzi’s red-spattered fur, “…not exactly a fastidious lot, are we?”

  FOURTEEN

  Somebody was walking past the mouth of the alley.

  Couple of kids, popping gum, laughing. Fortunately they didn’t look in; we were pretty far back in the shadows anyway.

  “Let’s get out of here!” I quaked, and started without waiting for a response. But I didn’t make it past Clancy’s gentle but iron hand. “Not quite yet…”

  I gaped at her. “’Not quite yet’? What the hell are you talking about?” I swung my arms around. “Look at us! This makes four bodies in two days! And this poor guy’s not even a vampire! We’re getting the hell out of here!”

  She didn’t remove her hand. “That’s just the problem, Ed…”

  I felt a chill. “What’s just the problem?”

  She nodded at the corpse as Mitzi finally backed away from it. “He is a vampire. Now.”

  Of course!

  I closed my eyes, an ocean of dread dragging me down.

  I can’t do this anymore, I thought, I can’t do this anymore, I can’t…
/>   “You have to do it, Ed,” Clancy said.

  “Will you stop that?” I snapped. “Stop reading my damn mind when I don’t want you to!”

  She appraised my hysteria calmly. “Easy. All you have to do is ask.”

  I was suddenly beyond furious. “Would it do any good?”

  Clancy took her hand away from my chest gently. “No, but it would be polite.”

  I tried to get my breath, tried to get it together again. “Okay. Okay. So. You’re saying the dog just turned this guy into a vampire, right?”

  “That’s about it, Sport, I drained him. That’s all it takes,” Mitzi said. She was sitting beside the dead man, bright-eyed and thumping her tail. “Sorry. I don’t make the rules.”

  “Or pay them much mind!” I turned to her angrily. “Ever consider exercising a little self-control? Look at you! Suddenly the picture of health! Feeling better, are we?”

  I swear: for a dog, she made a mouth that passed for a smile. “Much, actually! Matter of fact, I haven’t felt this good in weeks!” And she jolted from a sudden forceful hiccup.

  “She needed food,” Clancy said sympathetically, “hadn’t eaten for days. Now she has. The real thing.”

  I didn’t want to dwell on that last sentence. “Great, great. So what’s the plan now?”

  Clancy looked at Mitzi.

  Mitzi looked at Clancy.

  Mitzi hiccupped again, head snapping.

  I turned from one to the other of them. “What--?”

  Clancy sighed, gave the mouth of the alley a cautious look. “You have to cut his head off, Ed.”

  I just stood there.

  I looked back and forth at them again, waiting for the punch line.

  Clancy lowered her eyes. “It has to be done.”

  I was staggered.

  In fact, I did stagger. “Say what?”

  “Sorry, Ed,” from Mitzi, who was trying to trot toward me comfortingly…but who seemed to be doing a little staggering herself. “Clancy’s right, Sport. We’re supposed to be eliminating the vampires, not increasing the nation’s census. ”

  I backed away from both of them in disbelief, hands held high in self-defense. “Hey, hey…I’m not cutting off anybody’s freaking head today, got that? Or tomorrow or the next day or the foreseeable future! Just so we got that straight!”

  Clancy’s made an ineffectual little gesture. “Ed, it’s the only way. He’ll be up and at your throat in another minute if you don’t. Or someone else’s throat. Maybe a kid’s. An innocent child’s. You don’t want that, do you?”

  “Yes! Yes, I do! Let him get up and go bite whoever the hell he wants, just leave me out of this!”

  Clancy sighed patience. “Ed…”

  I turned desperately to Mitzi, imploringly. “Mitzi--?”

  She looked offended. “You can seriously expect me to do it!” She held up a paw. “No opposable thumbs, Ed, remember?” And she tilted from raising the paw, listed to port and toppled over.

  I stepped toward her, eyes narrowing. “Something wrong with you--?”

  The poodle got up, swayed, wagged her tail, bright-eyed. “Me? No. Fine! Fit as a fiddle!” plopping down on her rump again under another jarring hiccup.

  “He was drunk,” Clancy said.

  I turned to find her pointing at the corpse. “Now the dog is.”

  “I am not a skunk!” Mitzi slurred, crab-walking into the wall.

  “’Drunk’. Clancy corrected.

  Mitzi nodded, neck rubbery. “That too.” She belched with surprise. Giggled.

  I closed my eyes again, pressed a palm to my throbbing head. This wasn’t happening. Please don’t let this be happening…

  “Ed?” softly, from Clancy. “His head? Please? People are walking past the alley—“

  I whirled. “You do it then! You’re the freaking vampire expert!”

  She was taken aback. “Are you serious? In my new business suit? Alicia would have a heart attack!”

  I ground my teeth. “We should be so lucky!”

  “Ed, please. Your voice, keep it down. Now I know this is hard for you—“

  The sour sound of a distant siren cut her off.

  Shit.

  I turned, beleaguered, to the corpse. Suddenly I brightened. “A stake!” I exclaimed. “Why can we just put a stake in him?”

  I turned expectantly to the dog. “Mitzi? A stake? That sound okay? What do you say?”

  She shook her head, burped. “Nothing for me, thanks, I’m full…”

  I spun to Clancy. “What do you say?”

  Clancy took my arm gently. “Staking is not a guarantee, Ed...”

  “What do you mean? It worked on Bela Lugosi and Christopher Lee! In half a dozen sequels!”

  “It has to be dead center to the heart,” she informed me calmly, “if you’re off even a fraction of an inch…“

  My fists knotted against my thighs. “I can’t believe this shit!”

  Clancy reached into a side pocket of her shoulder bag, handed me a large carving knife. Held it out to me carefully.

  I looked up haggardly. “What—you always carry one of these around?”

  “You never know.”

  I took the knife slowly from her, stared down at the gleaming blade. “I want you both to know just how much I hate you for this,” I said.

  Clancy leaned, kissed me quickly on the cheek. “I’m sorry, sweetheart…”

  Mitzi hiccupped, began to warble off-key. “’Let me call you sweetheart…’”

  I turned with the knife, glared at the dog. She swayed unsteadily, flopped back on her butt again, burped at the knife in my hand. “You…are…a…trooper! Thas wot you are, Eddie, boy! A gol-danged” >hic< “certified trooper! Can I…tell yew somethin? Huh? Can I…tell you something, Eddie…straight from my >hic< heart--?”

  “What?” I growled.

  “—I allus knew, Eddie…I allus knew you’d…get a head!” And she fell over giggling helplessly.

  I pressed my lips white, turned and walked stiffly to the corpse.

  As I bent down the dead eyes were already starting to open again.

  I got to work quickly when I saw that.

  It wasn’t pretty.

  * * *

  Ten minutes later I stood up on quaking legs. I was drenched.

  I turned away, forcing back vomit, and dropped the red-streaked knife on the cobblestones. “I think I’m going to be sick,” I said.

  “You’re going to be fine,” Clancy said proudly, and kissed my cheek again.

  “Ya done good, kid!” Mitzi mumbled in the gutter.

  I nodded at them stonily. “Fine. Fine. But damnit, you two are disposing of the body this time!”

  Clancy hugged my arm tight, smiled up at me. “What body?”

  I blinked at her.

  Turned around to the corpse. It was gone. Except for a small pile of ash the breeze was already taking.

  “Now,” Clancy said, tugging my hand, “we can go!”

  I was halfway down the street, walking in a kind of dreamy haze before passersby when I jerked to a stop, face white.

  Clancy turned in alarm. “What?”

  I peered down in horror at the bloody streaks on my shirt and jeans. Except there weren’t any bloody streaks there now.

  I looked up, baffled, at Clancy. And in another moment, in narrow-eyed anger. “You knew it wouldn’t soil your business suit!”

  She patted my back with a smile, tugged my hand toward the motel. “Yes dear, I knew. But sooner or later you’d need the practice.”

  I started to get furious but she squeezed my hand. And that woman could squeeze.

  “It’s a war, Eddie, not a cotillion. A war. And wars are messy. Try to remember that.”

  And we walked the rest of the way in silence.

  * * *

  I took a shower at the motel anyway, blood or no.

  When I came out, Mitzi was collapsed senseless in the corner and Clancy was lighting two candles atop a card table she
found in the motel closet. The room smelled delicious. So did Clancy.

  “What’s this?”

  She puckered red lips, blew out the match. “I ordered Chinese. You like?”

  “I do. You look wonderful.”

  “Thank you, sir.”

  “Call me Tondaleo.”

  She laughed, pulled out my chair. “Sit. Enjoy.”

  I scooted in as she placed shredded pork before me. “Is it new, the sweater?”

  “Pretty new. Hot tea or Coke?”

  “Tea, I think. What’s the occasion, my first head chopping? Is it the custom?”

  She said nothing, sat down across from me, poured my tea.

  “Mm. This is really good.”

  “Good.”

  The fork froze halfway to my mouth. Her plate was empty. “Aren’t you having any?”

  “Maybe later.”

  I nodded slowly, heart spiking a little.

  “I am sorry,” she said at length, “about earlier.”

  I shrugged. “I should be apologizing to you. You probably saved my life. You and Mitzi.”

  “I was very proud of you, Ed.”

  “For standing there like an idiot?”

  “For the…head thing.” Her eyes shone wonderfully in the candlelight. God, but you are one beautiful woman, I thought.

  I sat back a moment, chewing reflectively. “This would be just about perfect if…”

  “—not for a vampire plague? Yes. But then, we may never have met.”

  She watched me a silent moment. All I could think about was kissing her.

  She must have read it in my eyes. “Are you hungry, Ed?”

  I put down my fork slowly, held her eyes. “Very.”

  She smiled a sexy dimple. “In that case I won’t need it.”

  “Need what?”

  She tugged at the shoulder of her sweater.

  “Don’t play with me,” I pleaded.

  She stood, came round the table. “Define ‘play.’”

  She held out her hand. I took it.

  On our way to the bed, Mitzi made a noise from the corner. We glanced back, saw her still out cold, legs rowing the air in secret dreams.

  “Chasing a rabbit,” Clancy mused.

  Or something, I thought.

  * * *

  We undressed. Got into bed.

  But something was wrong.