B005N1TFVG EBOK

by Bruce Elliot Jones

“If I could have your attention a moment!” Ted grinned patiently beside the flat screen. He’d run a line from the digital camera in his hand to a port behind the TV.

  The group turned to him. I started breathing again.

  Ted had the TV lit now. It displayed—from the camera--a sweeping aerial view of a small town in summer. Postcard pretty. Nice photography, from a helicopter, I imagined. Nice little town, too. And suddenly I didn’t need to see the capitol building to realize which little town.

  “Topeka, Kansas!” Ted grinned enthusiasm, gesturing at the screen with a flourish. “I believe we’re all familiar with it!”

  Clancy started to give Alicia a nervous glance but the latter’s suddenly rigid posture begged off.

  “A nice little town.” Ted was saying, “full of good, salt of the earth Midwesterners! For the most part, anyway...”

  “Something’s wrong,” from Mitzi.

  “No shit,” I replied silently.

  The camera continued to sweep over the town, picturesque parks, winding rivers, grain elevators, the copper gleam of the capitol, the downtown area. It came to focus on Alicia’s salon.

  Alicia was sitting forward on the divan now. I couldn’t see the look in her eyes from my angle, but I could imagine them.

  “What is this,” she intoned coldly. And her voice was an Arctic breeze.

  Pete, not intimidated, chuckled from his divan across from her. “Is there a problem, Alicia? Your company researched our little group, we just did our homework on you! Quid Pro Quo, right? Unless you have something to hide?”

  Alicia stiffened further under the insinuation but I thought I felt a waver of uncertainty from her.

  “My company has nothing to hide!” she hissed indignantly. On almost any man her tone alone would be cause for retreat; but neither of the smiling contractors seemed threatened. I could feel something unpleasant building in the room, like a wave of barometric fear.

  “Well, we’ll have to concede that,” Ted smiled beside the flat screen, “you’re corporation certainly has nothing to cover up. In fact, I’d say your assets are open for the world to see!”

  “To say nothing of your asses!” from a darkly gloating Pete.

  Alicia was about to whirl on him when Clancy let out a high, startled yelp beside her. Alicia whipped around, looked past her at the big screen TV.

  Topeka was in flames.

  Or at least a good section of its townspeople were.

  The downtown area in particular was a conflagration of chaos.

  “What in Satan’s name…” a stunned Alicia whispered.

  The corporate brothers sniggered. “Indeed,” Ted nodded at the tide of burning figures, “from what our people have uncovered, the problem seems to have originated from your heretofore effective sun lotion!”

  Both Clancy and Alicia stared wide-eyed at the screen.

  Then Alicia was abruptly on her feet. “It’s a camera trick! Special effects! This is an outrage!”

  Ted snorted and clicked off his camera. “An outrage to be sure. But, fortunately, a containable one. At least so far…”

  Alicia was momentarily speechless.

  “This footage,” Ted continued effetely, “was shot by one of our own group earlier today. They’re certain no other footage--amateur for instance—was shot of the holocaust …or if so, was promptly confiscated. And you, dear Alicia, control both the video and print media in Topeka so that’s not problem. Still, home computers and smart phone cameras abound these days. Someone may have gotten out of town despite our best efforts.”

  “The kind of thing,” Pete remarked smirking, “the Chicago office would regard as, well…sloppy. Not the way to manage local containment. Or build an army. Let alone one day control the planet.”

  Alicia was trembling with rage.

  “Who are you?” Casey asked innocently.

  Ted beamed amusement. “Your boss knows, my lovely Miss Cummings. She also knows who our boss is! Am I right, Alicia? An old and once dear friend of yours? Ivan Kolcheck?”

  “Oh, damn,” from Mitzi. “The most powerful vampire in North America!”

  “Perhaps you’ve heard of him,” Ted turned added casually to Clancy.

  “You’ve been spying on us!” Alicia spat, though her voice shook ever so slightly now.

  “Spying. Researching. Keeping tabs—whichever you prefer,” Ted admitted. “The truth is Prince Kolcheck was thinking seriously of inviting you, Miss Alicia, to join the Midwest Coven. Oh, it far exceeds anything you’ve managed to accomplish with your, er…small town methods.”

  He returned to the couch as Pete got up, grinning his Walmart ass off. They stood side by side, hands folded calmly in front of them, like two CIA agents.

  “Now, however,” Ted noted with disingenuous sympathy, “I’m afraid you and your little group are considered a liability to the larger cause. And will soon to be but an unfortunate footnote in the history of the New World Order.”

  Alicia had almost turned to stone. “What went wrong with my lotion?” she demanded evenly, “It was perfected over years of testing, exhaustive experimentation! It was foolproof! Someone had to have tampered with the ingredients! CEO Kolcheck, perhaps!”

  Ted made a tisk-tisk sound, shook his head. “Sadly, no. Prince Kolcheck, in fact, was a great admirer of your sunscreen formula, planned to introduce it the Chicago offices. Maybe even make you his right-hand man, Alicia. Before this recent disaster, that is.”

  “And the ramifications it could have for all vampires,” Pete finished, “the world over!”

  A sinister calm seemed to settle over Alicia. A sly smile of confidence replaced the clouds. “And this is the best the mighty Ivan can do? Send you two buffoons to kill us? George Clooney and Jack Black? Are we supposed to be terrified now, is that the idea? I think you’re forgetting,” and she smiled quickly at Clancy, “it’s two against two.”

  Ted was humoring, as if anticipating the moment. He reached into his jacket again, withdrew a sheath of papers and dropped them on the coffee table in front of Alicia.

  Something clogged my throat at the cover: PRIVATE DOSSIER:CLANCY CUMMINGS.

  “Our organization,” Ted purred, “forgets nothing, dear Alicia! Unlike your own!”

  Alicia picked up the dossier.

  I exchanged a quick look with Clancy, saw her throat move convulsively.

  A loud slapping sound made both of us jump. For an instant I thought Alicia had struck Clancy, but it was only the dossier slapping the table again.

  Alicia’s eyes, on the other hand, held a slap all their own. She whirled on Clancy. “Is this true?”

  Clancy backed up a step.

  “You’re not a vampire!” Alicia followed.

  “O-Of course not,” Clancy replied, “it’s a lie.” But the stutter said otherwise.

  In the next instant she reeled under Alicia’s slap. The sound cracked around the living room like a whip.

  Clancy spun away, tripped and collapsed with a red welt into Ted’s tailored Armani. He caught her smoothly, a true gentleman. “Oh, dear,” he murmured. “Let’s not be hasty, Alicia—and spoil this pretty face.”

  “At least not before dinner!” came Pete’s trucker laugh from the divan.

  Clancy shoved away hard from Ted’s spidery embrace.

  “Yes,” Ted agreed, “why ruin so charming an evening? And the two of you do look charming! Absolutely delicious!”

  Alicia’s almost laughed. “You think you’re going to fang me? Another vampire!”

  Ted chuckled, smoothing his jacket. “Not you, princess, no. The ravishing Miss Cumming’s here is another matter!”

  He turned suddenly and looked straight at me, “And our friend the chef, of course. Waste not, want not, eh?”

  By that time I’d had about enough. Vampire or not, you don’t talk about Clancy that way.

  I tossed the dinner plate I was holding back at the table and came beside the chef’s cart. “I’m afraid you’ve got that one wrong, Miste
r--whatever your name is!” And I looked Teddy boy straight in the eye. “I’m also afraid it’s still two against two!”

  And with an overly histrionic magician’s flourish, I grabbed one end of the tablecloth and whipped away the material with a bright snap, exposing Mitzi’s vicious snarl.

  “Alicia, I believe you two have met! Perhaps you’d like to make the introductions!”

  Everyone in the room just stared at me.

  Including Clancy.

  I leaned cockily against the cart on one hip. “What’s the matter, Vampire Queen, dog got your tongue?”

  Everybody just stared at me.

  Finally square-jawed Pete looked at the others. “Think he’s lost his mind from fear.”

  I looked under the cart. Saw only empty rug.

  I gulped helplessly at Clancy but she was already moving--closing the distance between her and Ted, a silver chain and crucifix thrust in his smug George Saunders face.

  Almost all of us, I think—except maybe dumpy Pete—was surprised when Ted didn’t recoil in terror or throw up his claws or burst into flame or something.

  Instead he merely offered another of his perfected chuckles, plucked the crucifix from Clancy’s astonished fingers, and grinned—this time with fangs. It was at that moment I noticed, for the first time, his skin-tight, flesh-colored gloves.

  “Sorry, Miss Cummings, but we overcame that little problem in Chicago some time ago!”

  And in a blur of movement he was before Alicia, and the chain was about her neck.

  She hissed like a reptile, glared and seethed. All on the inside. Her body was carved ice. Inert.

  Not her mouth, though. “You insufferable maggots! I’ll see you burned alive for this!”

  Ted gave her his back, tugged off the tight gloves finger by finger and took a trembling Clancy by the hand. “Doubtful under present circumstances. But I see no reason you shouldn’t accompany Miss Cummings and me into the next room. There you can, with a bit more privacy, watch the ceremonial fanging and deflowering of her young womanhood.” He turned courteously to Clancy then. “Unless, of course, Miss Clancy objects?”

  Miss Clancy spit on him.

  Ted held his smile, dabbed his cheek with a crisp hanky. “A fighter! This calls for a higher form of privacy! Pete, keep an eye on our hostess here before gorging yourself on our amorous chef!”

  And he yanked Clancy effortlessly toward the master bedroom. I caught her eye just before she disappeared behind the jamb--an exchange passing between us.

  Then the bedroom door shut behind them.

  “You’ll find that soil’s already been tilled!” Alicia screamed impotently beside the divan, veined forehead throbbing.

  Pete made a piggy little laugh.

  I stepped calmly into the sunken living room, crossed over and stood in front of Alicia. And slapped her smartly across her enraged face.

  “That’s for Clancy. Your superior as a woman in every way.”

  And I think Alicia would have spit on me if she could have summoned the appropriate liquid.

  I took off the silly chef’s cap and turned to fireplug Pete. Addressed him with a philosophic air. “So! Pete, my good man! It’s just you and me, huh pal?”

  Pete grinned like a wolf, looked me up and down hungrily, and maybe with a small hint of admiration. “Well, you’re a cool customer for someone about to enter eternity, I’ll give you that!”

  I nodded. “Not a complete draining, then? Just turn me into one of you, that the plan?”

  He actually winked. “Can’t have too many soldiers on our side!”

  I smiled. “I guess not. Let me ask you something though, Pete. Mind if I call you Pete?”

  “Sure.”

  “You can call me Ed. Anyway, I was wondering, has this leader of yours, this guy, uh…”

  “Ivan Kolcheck.”

  “…Mr. Kolcheck. Has he and his team ever considered working on a serum to change vampires back into humans? I mean, look at the wonders Alicia’s lab has come up with.”

  “Why would we want to do that, Ed? Vampires live forever.”

  “I know. But they’re not really--living, are they?”

  He gave me a suspicious look. “What’s your point, Ed?”

  “My point, Pete, is money. If you could find a formula for making real people live forever it would be worth a fortune.”

  A tiny grin started on the piggy face. “Huh. You know, you’re gonna be a valued member of the club, Ed.”

  I shrugged modestly. “You’re too kind. Let me ask you one more question, Peter. Is it true that vampires can’t really fly? You know, flap about in the dark like bats?”

  “It is,” he stated.

  “And to your knowledge is it also true that, so far at least, dogs can’t fly either?”

  “Maybe a bird dog!” and he giggled himself silly over that one.

  “Very good, Pete,” I grinned, “very subtle. Tell me then, Pete, if dogs can’t fly, how did that one above your head get on that chandelier?”

  Pete blinked once, and looked up.

  Mitzi came down hard, slammed into him full force, driving Pete into the coffee table. The thick glass shattered like a rifle report. Knickknacks jumped. Paper flew. A spring roll hit me on the cheek and stuck.

  Pete was up again in a moment and swinging; it’s hard to keep even a dense vampire down, I guess, but Mitzi had a nice grip on his lower leg as she had earlier with my ex-editor, and was pretty much keeping the vampire from regaining his balance.

  Pretty much throwing him all over the living room, too.

  It almost drowned the muffled scream from the bedroom. I turned quickly to the closed door. There were no more sounds.

  I wiped the smear of appetizer from my cheek and sucked my finger, looking over at the still-rigidly indignant Alicia. I smacked my lips. “Garlic,” I noted, “they wouldn’t have liked them anyway.”

  A tremendous crash, which I couldn’t believe didn’t send the house dick running, sounded as Mitzi smashed Pete into one piece of furniture after another and—in a kind of graceful, skater’s arabesque--whirled off her back legs and flung the flailing vampire into the fireplace. Did I mention the fireplace? Did I mention it was lit? Nice hotel.

  I actually found myself running over to grab the poker until I realized: what the hell am I going to do with that against a vampire?

  Pete made some pretty interesting noises flopping about in the flames but the performance was overshadowed by another sound at the bedroom door; his partner was coming through it again.

  Suave Ted walked (well, wobbled) toward the three of us like a fanger so drunk with blood he could hardly stand. For a fleeting moment I actually began to doubt that brief exchange between Clancy and me as she’d disappeared behind the door. Then tall, suave Ted came before Alicia, blinked once, and took a tall suave swan dive flat on his face. We could see the jagged length of bedpost jutting from his back and, presumably, on through to his heart.

  A moment later, Clancy strode lightly from the bedroom adjusting her blouse primly. There were two small bite marks on her neck. But not deep ones, I could tell even from there.

  Alicia made a confused sound and I turned to her. “Not a full-fledged vampire, maybe, but still her father’s daughter! She was vaccinated during childhood, didn’t you know?”

  At which exact moment a flaming Pete came vaulting out of the hearth trailing flames, outstretched talons raking the air blindly.

  His legs were torches—no place for a poodle to get a good grip—but his beating arms were quickly tamping out the fire.

  “Run!” Mitzi yelled in my head. Clancy’s echoed the sentiment, already several lengths ahead of us to the front door.

  “You incompetent morons,” I heard Alicia shriek at Pete as we flew through the door, “they’ve getting away! Get this damn chain off me! Ivan will have both our necks!”

  Then we were in the red carpeted hall—together again at last—running side by side for all we were worth to the
distant bank of elevators. Silent, giddy laughter echoed through all our minds. We did it!

  But when we reached the elevators doors and I began jamming at the ‘down’ button, Clancy had gone a little morose.

  “Are you okay?” I asked, pulling her into my arms.

  She nodded somberly against my chest.

  “Did he hurt you? Did he--”

  “He didn’t hurt me, Ed,” she sniffed, wiping absently at her neck. “I’m the one who hurt him.”

  “Clancy…” I lifted her chin, smiled into her wonderful eyes, “…honey, he was a vampire!”

  She nodded. “I know. But I made some…disparaging remarks about his manhood. I didn’t have to do that…”

  Behind us, the front door of the suite crashed open violently and a fang-gleaming Alicia came leaping, a still slightly flaming Pete in her wake.

  I jammed frantically at the button again. “Come on!”

  The elevator door dinged, slid open and I pushed everyone inside.

  I lunged for the first floor button, began jamming away again.

  Alicia and her flaming consort were maybe six yards away when the door slid lazily shut. I saw Alicia’s baleful eyes fixed on me, her red talons reaching to rend my face—and then we were moving safely within the car.

  I slumped exhausted against the rear wall of the car and whooshed relief.

  When I looked up my blood froze.

  Clancy and Mitzi stood rigid and wide-eyed across from me…surrounded by half-a-dozen black-robed, white-faced, fang-studded vampires.

  TWENTY

  Also, the elevator didn’t go down; it went up.

  I jammed at the ‘down’ button on the chrome panel at the left side of the car but we continued to rise.

  Mitzi and Clancy stood huddled across from me, surrounded by a half-circle of six pasty-faced vampires.

  Think of something! I thought, but my reeling mind was a weary blank.

  The vampires appeared young, the eldest maybe mid-twenties. The shortest might have been female, it was hard to tell. They wore nondescript but decidedly black clothing, even black sneakers. If they were trying to blend in with society they were doing a lousy job of it.

  The tallest, standing a bit off to one side from the others, was dressed a bit differently than the others—a lot differently, actually. He wore a splendid black, vintage tailored suit and cape, with bright red lining. His elegant evening shirt was high at the collar, ruffled at the sleeves, beautiful clamshell buttons down the front. In place of a tie he proffered a large, intricately-fashioned gold medallion below his turkey neck. His shoes were vintage too—20’s?--black lace-ups with an almost patent shine. Currents of gray caressed his temples under a thick crop of dark, swept-back hair ending in a sharp window’s peak at his brow. A little over-the-top maybe, but there was something Old World proud and gentlemanly there. It was hard to take your eyes off him.