by Marie Savage
When I open the door, my breath is taken away by how gorgeous he is. He is clean-shaven and is wearing a nice button-down shirt and dress slacks. He looks more like a model than the father of my babies.
“Wow, you look gorgeous,” he says, holding a beautiful bouquet of flowers in front of him.
“Are those for me?”
“Yes, that is, if you’ll let me in.”
“Of course, come in. You cleaned up very nicely yourself,” I add as I take the flowers and head into the kitchen to put them in a vase.
Ben takes a few moments to visit with Bo and I’m thankful to have the time alone to keep my head straight. I’m so nervous right now.
“Are you ready?” he says, once again startling me. “You’re so jumpy lately. Is everything all right?” he asks, stepping toward me and taking my hands in his.
“Everything’s fine.” I nervously smile.
“Julie, I know things have been crazy and I want to apologize for coming on too strong earlier today. We should slow down. I want to do things right, and if you need more time, I understand.”
His little speech throws me off balance. He’s apologizing for kissing me? That is all that my brain registers. Did something happen with him and Renee? Is he trying to cancel out on me?
I smile and nod in response, and I can tell that my silence disappoints him a little. He takes my hand and we walk out to his truck together. He does the chivalrous opening of the door for me, and I politely thank him. Once again, I’m not sure if tonight is going to be a good time to tell him my news or not.
Ben
Damn, she is so beautiful and I am trying very hard not to put my hands all over her. Only a few months ago, I would hardly go a minute without touching her, but we are trying the clean slate thing, starting over and trying to act like any couple on a first date.
It’s so damn hard, though. She is sitting all the way on the passenger side of my truck, where if it had been months ago, she would have been practically in my lap. There’s still a distance between us that I’m hoping we can do away with tonight.
We arrive at the restaurant. I have the money that I got from the pawn shop safely in my pocket. I wanted to make sure I have enough to impress her, to show her a good time tonight. This is the turning point for us, but she’s so damn quiet. Did I say something to piss her off?
“Would you care to look at the wine list or order something from the bar?” the waiter asks as we both sit down.
“Yes,” I reply.
“No, thank you,” she says immediately after.
“You don’t want something to drink? A cocktail or a glass of wine?” I ask her.
“No, I’m fine. Just some water, please,” she says, looking at the waiter.
I’m stumped by her behavior, and immediately, I think I know the reason for her declining to order. She’s worried about what I said earlier about money.
“Julie, it’s okay, I can afford it tonight, if that’s what you’re worried about,” I whisper to her.
“No, it’s not that, really, I just haven’t had the taste for alcohol lately, that’s all.” She gives me a small smile.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, I’m sure, but if you want something, go ahead.”
“No, I’m good. I’ll have some water too, please,” I say to the waiter as he nods and walks away, giving us some privacy for the moment. “This is a nice place. Some of the guys at work were telling me about it.” I struggle to make conversation, feeling awkward as hell around her. I open up my menu, praying for a special. She will need to order first so I know what I can afford to have, so I place my menu down and look over at her.
She is carefully studying the menu. She is glowing once again, and I’m not sure if it’s the dim lighting or because it has been so long since we have seen each other.
“Damn, you’re beautiful,” I say.
She looks up at me and places her menu down before rewarding me with a smile—a smile that I’ve been dying for her to give me, since I picked her up.
“Have you decided on what you’re going to have?” she asks me.
“I think so, what would you like to have?”
“I think the steak salad.”
“That’s it? They have lots of things to choose from.”
“I know, but I’d like something light.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, very sure.”
I stare at her, making sure she isn’t lying to me. I wish I would have never told her that I was struggling financially.
When the waiter returns, I give him our orders, and once again, we are alone. Alone in our silence. I’m blowing this and I’m not sure how to fix it.
Julie
What the hell is wrong with me? I’m ruining our evening. I keep waiting for the perfect opportunity to tell him. I have to tell him. The longer I wait, the worse it’s going to be. I wanted to tell him when he first arrived at the house, but I chickened out. I wanted to tell him on the drive to the restaurant, but I chickened out.
“Julie, are you all right?” Ben asks me, and I realize I have been so caught up in my thoughts that I’m ignoring him.
“Yes, why do you ask?” I reply, trying to brush off my lack of attention.
“I don’t know, you seem distracted. Are you upset with me?” he asks.
“Oh, no, I’m not upset. I was just unsure if you’re upset with me?”
“Why would I be upset with you?”
Here it is—the opportunity I’ve been waiting for, it’s perfect. I take a deep breath, getting ready to say the words.
“Here you go.” The waiter comes over, placing our salads in front of us, and once again, interrupting our conversation. I don’t know whether to be pissed or relieved.
Ben thanks the waiter and we prepare to start eating. It looks like the opportunity is gone until Ben speaks again. “What were you going to say?” he asks, putting me on the spot.
The ounce of bravery I had only seconds ago is gone. I quickly think of something else to say. “About Tyler,” I finally respond.
“Oh,” he says, taking his silverware out the napkin and thinking hard before speaking. I know I touched a nerve now. “Would you be okay if we don’t talk about him tonight? I know we need to, but let’s just enjoy our evening and forget about Renee and Tyler for the night. Is that all right?” he asks me.
“Of course.” I look down at my plate, embarrassed that I even brought his name up.
Ben reaches across the table and places his hand over mine. I look up into his kind eyes once more. “I’m not mad at you, okay?” he says, giving my hand a slight squeeze.
We talk during dinner, sharing what we have been up to and the plans I have for the house. Ben shares his ideas on things I can do to update the outdated features. We both start relaxing and talking, just like we were with each other back in those days during the holidays, when we were so much in love. When we talk about the house, it’s like we’re talking about our house.
“You know, I can redo all those cabinets and make you one of those country kitchens you were always showing me pictures of.” He pauses. “I’m sorry, I keep going on and on. I haven’t even let you chime in.”
“No, I like your ideas. I’m happy you remembered. It’s my first home, well, as far as a home I bought.” I smile.
“That’s why we are celebrating. Congratulations, home owner.” He lifts his water glass as we toast. I feel like we are celebrating our new home. My courage starts building up again to tell him that we have more than just the house to celebrate.
“Speaking of celebrating,” I start, but the buzzing of a cell phone interrupts my announcement.
“Hang on. I’m so sorry, but just in case it’s about Dustin.”
“Of course, go ahead. You have to answer it.”
Ben looks at his phone, and by the agitated look on his face, it has to be Renee. “What’s up?” he answers, looking over at me and mouthing the words, “I’m sorry.”
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p; “What’s wrong with him?” he asks, looking concerned. “Fine, I’ll be right there,” he says and hangs up.
“Is everything all right?” I ask.
“Dustin’s sick. Renee says he’s throwing up and crying for me. Julie, I’m so sorry, but I have to cut our evening short.”
“Of course, I understand.”
“Damn, I was having so much fun talking to you. I was hoping maybe we could take a drive and I could show you this lake that’s nearby.”
“Ben, we can do it another time. If Dustin is sick, you need to be there. I understand.”
He waves the waiter over and he pays the bill in cash. From the looks of it, he’s just barely going to have enough.
“Would you like me to leave the tip?” I ask.
“I said I have enough,” he snaps at me.
I stare at him. This is definitely not the time to tell him I’m pregnant.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to snap. I’m just worried about Dustin. Let’s just go,” he says.
On the drive home, we are both quiet. A wall is once again put between us. Every special moment from this evening has been ruined by one phone call. I don’t want to be mad at him, but I know Renee is playing games. He’s doing the right thing, the responsible thing, but my feelings are hurt, especially over how he bit my head off earlier about the bill. He’s such a prideful son of a bitch sometimes. Is this how it will be if we get back together? Will he run to her and Dustin over every little thing, and then take his frustration out on me and my babies?
Once we arrive at my house, he parks the truck. I don’t give him the chance to open the door for me as I quickly exit the truck and start heading to the porch. My eyes are heavy with tears and I’m walking so fast, I’m practically running. I won’t cry in front of him, not this time.
“Wait, Julie, hang on,” Ben calls out to me.
I ignore him and keep walking, fumbling in my purse to find my keys. I’m at the door, but struggle to unlock it. I feel his body covering mine, wrapping me in his embrace.
“Please, just give me time to work this out,” he pleads.
I bite my lip, fighting back the tears. Somehow, we always end up here. I can’t keep going through this. I want to turn around and reassure him, but I just can’t. I take a deep breath. I can’t do this right now. I stand cold and rigid.
Finally, feeling my resistance, he lets me go.
“Take all the time you need,” I say to him, avoiding eye contact before going inside and shutting the door. Shutting him out.
Chapter 12
Ben
It’s six o’clock on Sunday morning, and I’m finally able to get Dustin back in his bed. I have been up and down with him the last two nights and all day yesterday, while Renee slept and pretended to be looking for work. The minute I walked into the door Friday night, after cutting my date short with Julie, she left me with total care of Dustin. She didn’t lie, he was sick to his stomach, but noticing the candy and junk wrappers scattered around my apartment, it wasn’t hard to determine why. This is what happens every time I leave him now. Renee is lazy and won’t fix him a decent meal and lets him have anything he wants, so she doesn’t have to be bothered. Why she even wanted to be a mother to begin with, is beyond me.
Then there’s Julie, who gutted me the other night when she wouldn’t talk to me. Can’t say I blame her after snapping at her about paying the bill. I have to learn that the difference in our financial status is my problem, not hers. She wants to help me, and what thanks does she get? An asshole biting her head off.
We were having such a good time during the day painting and then on our date, and just like that, we’re back where we started. She apparently has a lot on her mind too, wanting to talk but I shut her down. Maybe we can talk now.
I grab my phone and send her a quick text. She may still be asleep, but I take a chance.
I’m sorry. I text her and set my phone down beside me, not expecting a response. I close my eyes, hoping that dreams of her will help with the shitty mood I’m in right now, when my phone starts vibrating. It’s Julie and she’s calling.
“Good morning,” I answer.
“Good morning. You sound tired,” she says.
“That would be an understatement,” I mumble.
“Would you like me to call back later?” she asks.
“No, it’s good to hear your voice. I was afraid you wouldn’t ever speak to me again.”
“Of course, I would. I don’t know, I guess I was a little upset.”
“I don’t blame you. I was being a jerk. I’m sorry I snapped at you.”
“How’s Dustin?” she asks, changing the subject.
“He’s better, he’s sleeping now. It has been a long weekend,” I say, sitting up and rubbing my eyes.
“That’s good. So, it wasn’t anything too serious?” she asks.
“No, nothing but overdoing it on junk food. He’s fine now.”
“I won’t keep you, but do you think tomorrow you can come over after you get off work?”
“Sure, what’s up?”
“Well, that leak is a little worse and I want to talk to you … in person.”
“You want me to come over now?”
“No, stay and get some sleep. I have to go somewhere today, anyway. Tomorrow, okay?”
“I’ll be there.”
“Get some sleep and we’ll talk tomorrow,” she says.
I’m about to say the words I’ve been dying to tell her for weeks now—I love you. She hangs up before I have the chance.
Julie
It’s Rose’s birthday, and all of us from the diner are over at her house to celebrate. She won’t dare tell us how old she is, but there are many guesses, including mine that she’s at least seventy. She will neither confirm nor deny. When we’re alone for a few minutes, I decide it’s time to scold her for setting me up with Ben.
“So, the handyman dropped by Frday to do the painting,” I say to her as I help put away the leftover food.
“Oh, yeah? Did he do a good job?” she asks, acting so clever.
“You can cut out the act now. I know why you gave me that card. And just so you know, it was Ben that showed up.”
“Did you two work things out?”
“Not yet.” I frown.
“Why not?”
“It’s complicated.”
“Hmm, let me see, now. You love him and he loves you. Yep, you’re right, very complicated,” she teases.
“We both have a lot of baggage.”
“Then unpack it and be done with it. I take it you still haven’t told him about the babies yet?”
“Tomorrow. I’m going to tomorrow night.”
“Isn’t your appointment tomorrow morning?” she asks.
“Yes, but things are not comfortable for us. I don’t want to be stressed going to the doctor.”
“I knew when I hired you, you were a stubborn one. You remind me of me at your age,” she says as she comes over and gives me a hug. “Would you like me or Christy to go with you tomorrow? One of us could meet you there.”
“No, it’s okay, I will go alone. I have already told so many people before I even told him. It would be nice to tell him something first.”
Ben
It’s Monday and I’m up for work. Yesterday, Renee was at it again and took off while I was sleeping, leaving our son unattended. Luckily, he woke me and we spent the day together. Now it’s seven o’clock and I’m late for work, with no one to watch Dustin. I don’t bother asking our neighbor, Mrs. Wooten. Renee takes advantage of her generosity too much as it is. I pack Dustin up and head to my sister Mary’s house.
I called her yesterday to let her know that Julie was in town, and she was shocked. “She must really be in love with you to leave her home and friends behind to move here,” she said to me, reaffirming what I feel to be true. I hope she’s right.
After I make sure Dustin is settled at my sister’s house, I start to pull out of the driveway, when my pho
ne rings. It’s either Renee, finally showing her ass up at home and wondering where Dustin is, or it’s my work calling to tell me I’m canned.
“Hello?” I answer, fearing the worst either way.
“Good morning, this is Amanda from Dr. White’s office. How are you this morning?”
“Fine.” I’m just about to tell her that she has the wrong number when she interrupts me.
“We tried to get hold of your wife this morning but she is not answering her phone and we have you down as her emergency contact.”
“My wife?” I say, wondering what shit Renee is up to now.
“Yes, the patient Mrs. Julie Walsh has you down as her husband. I’ve reached her husband, correct?
I pause for a second in shock. Julie? “Yes, that’s correct,” I finally answer, my heart pounding in my chest. Is she sick? Hurt? “Is everything all right?” I ask.
“Oh, yes, sir, everything is fine. We just want to know if we can reschedule her sixteen-week checkup and ultrasound she has this morning for tomorrow morning instead, at around nine o’clock. Dr. White had an emergency C-section this morning and is running late.”
I stare out the window. My mind is running in circles. I can’t believe what I’m hearing right now.
“Sir? Did you hear me?”
“Uh, yeah. Yes, that will be fine. Nine o’clock you said?”
“Yes, sir, and I’m sorry for the short notice.”
“No problem. We’ll be there.”
“We’ll see you both tomorrow at nine then. Have a good day.”
It’s like everything starts clicking all at once—the move to Texas, avoiding coffee and alcohol, her appearance changing, Mrs. Winston’s words to take care of Julie, she needs you, and now this to confirm. Julie’s pregnant. She is pregnant with my baby and she isn’t telling me.
Why wouldn’t she tell me? Has she tried and I didn’t pay attention? Is she afraid of me? She knows how much something like this means to me. Could it be why she wants to talk tonight? I’m not waiting that long to find out.