Ruin

by Rachel Van Dyken

  “What if you’re in the dream and I can’t reach you?”

  “Close your eyes.”

  “What?”

  “Just do it.”

  “Fine.” Humoring him, I closed my eyes and waited. His lips tickled my ear as he began to whisper.

  “Every time you close your eyes, regardless of where I am or where you are, I want you to remember this.” His fingers laced with mine and then he pressed my hand against my own chest. “Wherever I am, whatever I’m doing, alive or dead, young or old, my heart will always be with yours. Every beat you feel against your fingertips…” His finger tapped against my chest, once, twice. “…is me calling out to you. It’s you returning the call. It’s us talking, communicating, bonding, sharing. Living — Kiersten, it’s us living. There may come a time in your life when your heart will have to beat for mine… but you’ll have to carry on if I can’t. Just like there may come a time when I have to do the same for you. But in the end, one of us will always carry on this.” He tapped again. “So there’s never a reason to be afraid of running out of time — because we keep our own.”

  I couldn’t trust myself to speak, not after what he’d just said. Wes had single-handedly put me at ease, as well as wisely taught me one thing. Control what you can, love what you can, and the rest, well… the rest was just the rest. So I couldn’t reach my parents? I tapped my fingertips against his chest. Well, I could feel Wes, and he was right. We were keeping our own time, making our own — living.

  “Sleep,” Wes murmered. “I’ve exhausted you with my gibberish.”

  “Not true!” I yawned.

  Wes laughed and kissed my mouth. “Very true. Now, I want you to close your eyes while I hold you and keep watch.”

  “Watch?”

  “For the damn dragons!” he teased. “Don’t worry, I won’t let them take your virtue.”

  “Right.” I laughed. “Because dragons are known to do that.”

  “Never trust a lizard.”

  “Uh, methinks dragons aren’t technically lizards.”

  “Sure they are.” He turned my body so that he was spooning me. “Just like dinosaurs. Trust me on this, I’m a senior.”

  “Sure you aren’t a super senior?” She yawned again.

  “Go to sleep.” He nibbled on my ear a bit and then sighed, causing goose bumps to jump to life around my body.

  Right, like I could sleep with him touching me like that. My eyes felt heavy as he continued to rain kisses down my neck and then I allowed my body to fall into that heavy wave of sleep — in Wes’s arms.

  Chapter Thirty-One

  So apparently I’m boring… Awesome.

  Weston

  I wasn’t sure what was more disconcerting, the fact that in the span of a few hours Kiersten had fallen asleep twice on me, or the fact that I’d been kissing her the last time she’d done it.

  Clearly she hadn’t been sleeping well.

  She’d asked me about keeping time — our time. Apparently, she liked that. I couldn’t lie to myself — I loved that idea. It made everything seem more permanent when it was anything but that.

  I shifted away from her and looked up at my ceiling. The same ceiling I’d been staring at all my life.

  A soft sigh escaped Kiersten’s mouth as she twisted in her sleep and then threw her arm over my chest, stealing the breath from my body. Damn, but that girl could pack a punch if she wanted.

  “Wes…” she mumbled, her head twisting from side to side. In an instant I was pulling her close to me again. I wasn’t sure if it was guilt eating me alive or my sickness, really it was a toss up at that point. I was making her fall harder and it wasn’t like I was being anything but myself. I wasn’t lying, I wasn’t trying to get her to sleep with me, at least not in a sexual way — it was the first time in my life I was actually being real.

  Great timing, I know.

  “Wes.” Her lips found my bare shoulder. She may as well have just stabbed me, I felt that kiss, those lips, her wet tongue all the way up and down my body like a shot of heroin to my system. I’d never done drugs, but I could imagine that this was what it felt like.

  Kiersten’s leg lifted and then went between mine.

  Shit.

  No way out of that one. I was going to have to suffer an entire night with the girl plastered against me and gain no relief in the process. Okay, so maybe I knew exactly what a heroin addict felt like. Hell, I wanted to take a hit, I wanted to drink her in, but I knew, if I made that choice for her — she’d end up hating me. I don’t care what girls say, no innocent chick goes into a relationship thinking it’s just a onetime thing unless they’re sluts. They expect forever.

  The one thing I knew I couldn’t give.

  “Sleep.” I kissed her forehead again and held onto her as tight as I could.

  ****

  “Wake up, sunshine, time for turkey,” I whispered into Kiersten’s hair. She looked like a really hot version of Cousin It. Her red hair was wrapped all around my pillow, my arm, my face, her face; it was like its own person with its own zip code and inability to stay in its personal space. And I loved the hell out of it. I parted the red locks and found an eye.

  “There you are.”

  The eye narrowed.

  “So, still not a morning person?” I asked.

  Didn’t think it was possible but the eye narrowed more until I was convinced it was closed. I pulled the curtain of hair farther back. Two eyes. Score! She wasn’t blind.

  “Why are you staring at me as if you just discovered gravity?”

  “I did.” I smirked.

  “This better be good.”

  “You.”

  “Huh?”

  I sighed. “Still too early for my innuendos and all around amazing pick up lines, huh?” I swatted her with the pillow. “Get up, Lamb, Wolf’s hungry and I’ve had to pee for like five hours.”

  “So why didn’t you go?”

  “Because a ninja masquerading as my girlfriend was holding me hostage against my own bed all night.” I nodded to her legs as they intertwined with mine. “Not to mention the fact that her viselike grip was so damn cute I just stayed put.”

  “Wes.” She jolted up. “I’m sorry! I’m normally not a—”

  “Clinger?” I offered.

  There went that eye narrowing again. I wondered if I was losing points by actually being a morning person. I hadn’t taken any drugs yet, mainly because I physically couldn’t move, so I wanted to soak up the happiness while I still wanted to talk to a person rather than my porcelain toilet.

  “Don’t you dare start calling me clinger.” She moaned and covered her face with her hands. “Sorry for pinning you to the bed all night.”

  I smirked and licked my lips. “Yeah, there are worse ways to go.”

  Like the doctor using you as is own version of Operation. Only when he touches the edges you bleed out and your heart stops, no do-overs, no second tries.

  “You okay?” Kiersten touched my shoulder. I hadn’t realized I’d zoned out. Clearly the fact that I just got handed my football jersey and was another few weeks closer to surgery was messing with me, not to mention the fact that I kind of wanted to live.

  Every reason keeping my feet firmly planted on earth was living and breathing next to me, damn it.

  “Stellar,” I sang. “But I still have to use the bathroom so if you could just untangle your long sexy legs from mine, I’d appreciate it. Actually, I’d appreciate it more if you just let me have my way with—”

  An exasperated sigh exploded from Kiersten’s lips.

  “The toilet,” I finished. “That’s all I ask.”

  “Fine.” She laughed and moved fully away from me, probably the most alone and lost I’d felt in years. Irritating to think that one person had that much power over my attitude.

  “Why don’t you go get ready in the other bathroom, and we’ll meet downstairs in a bit for some awesome breakfast?” />
  “Okay.” Kiersten slowly shuffled across the large rug that covered the hardwood floors in my room. “Wes?” She turned.

  I stopped, my hand on the doorknob to my connecting bathroom. “Yeah?”

  “Thank you.” A bright blush stained her cheeks. “For last night. For chasing the monsters away…”

  “Anytime. It’s kind of my job to protect you.”

  “A job sounds like you’re forced.”

  “Nah,” I argued. “Saying it’s my job just means it’s my identity in a way. You know how people go, ‘Hey, I’m Rick. I’m a janitor.’” I smiled. “Now I can say, hey I’m Weston, and I kill monsters on behalf of my very sexy girlfriend so she can sleep at night.”

  “Lame.” Her laugh hit me in all the right and wrong places, making the idea of using the restroom a moot point. I wanted to stay pinned, preferably beneath her.

  “Nah, heroic.” I argued. “Now, go get ready so we can eat cinnamon rolls.”

  Apparently that’s all I needed to say. Her eyes widened, and then she was running down the hall. Good to know she was a fan of breakfast. That could have been a deal breaker right there. I hated it when chicks refused to eat the most important meal of the day. As if they didn’t realize how much it helped. I knew, mainly because my pills ripped my insides to shreds if I didn’t eat.

  I closed and locked the door behind me and opened the cupboard under the sink. Fifteen bottles all with my name on them. Hell, I almost wished I was a druggy. You know, one of those guys who stole oxy and morphine to get high.

  Right. I never even touched my pain pills. They numbed my senses so much that it wasn’t worth it, and it wasn’t like I was in any pain. My doc said it would help me with the anxiety.

  Clearly he’d never heard of exercise. All oxy did was turn me into one of those zombies from Walking Dead, only I was pretty sure I looked more haggard and scary.

  I popped the lid off of my first pill bottle, dropped the pill into my hand, and shook my head. It was a powerful little bitch. I actually nicknamed it bitch because it was so small that you’d think it wouldn’t do much damage. Wrong. The first time I took it, I was sick for a week straight. I became so dehydrated from puking I had to go to the hospital. Now I know how to take it. I had to take it with my anti-nausea pill, which worked only sixty percent of the time, and then pop my giant ass white pill — the special chemo pill that’s made specifically for me.

  I had five more pills to take, but I needed to eat first. I quickly jumped in the shower, brushed my teeth, and was dressed, all within fifteen minutes.

  I checked my watch. Kiersten was probably just getting ready. I didn’t want her to see me taking any pills — I didn’t feel right lying to her face when she asked me why I was taking an entire medicine cabinet full of rainbow-colored chemicals, so I stuffed them in my pocket and told myself not to forget to take them after breakfast.

  If I did… well, I’d be absolutely no fun for the remainder of break, not to mention it just gave that cranky tumor one more day without a defense, meaning it would grow… and the idea that its tentacles were slowly choking parts of my heart was a mental picture I could really do without.

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  I would never get the mental picture out of my head — Wes was hot, his body was ridiculous, and I’d slept plastered against him all night. Oh gosh, I probably even drooled. Well here’s to hoping he still wanted to be my boyfriend after I clung to him like a twelve–year-old Justin Bieber fan. Yay.

  Kiersten

  I got lost twice on my way down to the kitchen. The first time I went left instead of right, the second time I was distracted by the middle of the stairway where a few family pictures hung. Wes and his brother stood side by side. They almost looked like twins. My heart clenched a bit when I thought of how awful it would be to lose your brother to something like suicide. You’d probably live to regret every single conversation, every single moment you could have said something different, possibly changed the outcome. I shuddered and went down the wrong side of the staircase leading into the master bedroom.

  Crap. Finally, I made my way back up the stairway and down again to the other side, where I could smell the cinnamon wafting from the kitchen. Yeah, I could learn to live with Wes’s life. Waking up to fresh rolls in the morning after I sleep in a mansion. Right, life should be so hard; the guy had no idea how lucky he was.

  Laughter floated from the kitchen.

  Feeling like I was interrupting, I cleared my throat while I walked in. Wes was standing in the corner with Melda, both of whomm were frosting rolls and joking with each other.

  The kitchen was full of food. Everywhere I looked the granite counters were covered with different boxes of things, plates, silverware, chips, dips. Crap, were we throwing a Thanksgiving party?

  “Kiersten!” Wes crooked his finger. “Come here.”

  Smiling, I made my way over and stopped right in front of him. He lifted his frosting covered finger to my lips and whispered, “Open.”

  Well, I wasn’t really in a position to say no. My stomach clenched, it was so hungry. I opened my mouth as his finger swiped frosting across my lips and then my tongue wrapped around the frosting, sucking on his finger until it was gone.

  His eyes darkened as he pulled his finger away and then touched his lips to mine. I heard someone clearing a throat but really all I cared about was the fact that Wes’s lips were pressed against mine. He tasted like coffee and sugar, and wow, what I wouldn’t give to spend every morning with that taste in my mouth.

  “Ahem,” Melda said again.

  We broke apart. I could feel my face erupt into flames. Wes bit down on his lower lip and looked innocently at Melda. “Sorry, Kiersten’s just a messy eater. I was helping her clean up.”

  “So that’s what the kids are calling it these days.” Melda’s eyebrows rose as she stirred the remaining frosting and dropped it onto the last few rolls. “Now, I only have one rule for Thanksgiving.”

  “What?” I asked, reaching for a roll.

  “Stay out of the kitchen.” She smiled and the wrinkles around her eyes crinkled with mischief. “Young Wes used to hide in the cupboards and scare me. Just last year Wes tried it again and I spilled turkey all over the floor.” The twinkle left her eyes as she wrung her hands together and licked her lips.

  “Tragic death for that bird.” Wes shook his head and pulled Melda into his arms. “I promise we’ll be good.”

  “You.” Melda poked his chest, clearly forgetting her sadness. “Stay away from this area. I’ll call you when I need you, until then, try to occupy yourself.”

  Wes’s eyes turned to mine. “Hmm, I think I can find something to occupy myself.”

  Pretty sure I was that something. Not that I cared. He held out his hand, I gripped it like a lifeline.

  Melda shook her head and handed Wes a large plate full of rolls. “Here you go. Why don’t you go into the breakfast room and have some protein and juice. I’ve set up the breakfast bar for you two, so you won’t have any excuses to come back in here.”

  “She’s really thought of everything.” I laughed.

  “Thanksgiving is her favorite holiday. She doesn’t want me ruining it.” Wes took my hand and led me into another large room different than the one we ate in last night. “And this is the breakfast room.”

  The room was entirely covered in windows on the east side. The sun was already up, but I could tell why they ate there in the morning. It was beautiful and warm, almost like a sun room.

  “Juice?” Wes called from behind me.

  “Sure.” I went over to the table and sat facing the windows.

  “So.” Wes rubbed his hands together. “You ready to knock some more things off that list of yours?”

  I took a sip of juice and nearly cried. It was the perfect mixture of sweet and pulp. “We gonna go bungee jumping on Thanksgiving?”

  “Nah.” Wes put some of the roll in his mouth. “We
’re going to skinny dip.”

  I choked on my juice.

  “Of course, we can’t do that in broad daylight. After all, what would Melda say? Swimming lessons first, nakedness second.”

  “I’m almost afraid to ask what third is.” I didn’t chance looking at him and losing my composure. I mean, I hadn’t kissed a guy before him.

  “Kiersten,” he purred, his lips close to my ear. “You mean to tell me you don’t know what comes after being naked?”

  Oh. My. Hell. Somebody open a window. His hand grazed my arm as he chuckled deeply into my ear. My body was tense with nervousness and anticipation as his hand made its way up to my shoulder and then he cupped my neck pulling me closer so our lips were nearly touching.

  “Cranberry sauce.”

  “Wh-what?” I shook my head. “That comes after being naked?”

  Wes’s eyes lit up. “Of course, I mean that is how you wrote the list right? Or am I missing a few in between?” He tapped his fingers against his lips. “Maybe I have it mixed up, but I’m pretty sure you still haven’t done that.”

  I shook my head no, not trusting myself to speak.

  “Then it’s settled.”

  “Right.” My voice was hoarse. “Swimming. Naked. Cranberry sauce.”

  “SNC.”

  “Awesome, like a code.”

  Wes pulled back and popped some more food into his mouth. “Exactly.” He reached into his pocket and then his gaze furrowed for a few brief seconds before he pulled something out and kept it in his hand.

  My eyes were trained on his hand as he kept it clenched tight.

  Weird.

  I turned my head and looked back out at the Puget Sound.

  “So…” Wes’s hands were both empty as he braced himself on either side of my chair, his hands massaging my shoulders. “What do you say we eat some more breakfast and then go get ready for a morning swim?”

  “Is it going to be cold?” I asked like a five-year-old not wanting to take swimming lessons.