I stare at him incredulously. “My brother is one of your best friends. You were an advisor to my father. What are you talking about?”
“I’m in over my head, Mara.”
“What does that even mean?”
“I—”
I hold up my hand. “Just tell me this. Do you have feelings for that?”
“Don’t be cruel, Mara.”
“Don’t tell me what to do. You were kissing me not even a week ago and I come home to find you with her. Do you or do you not have feelings for her?”
“She’s a good person and…it’s…easy. We’re friends.”
I laugh and it sounds hollow in my suddenly claustrophobic room. “And I’m neither good nor easy, am I? You really are in over your head, aren’t you?” My voice sounds shrill, but I can’t seem to stop. “Get out of here. And stay as far away from me as possible. When you enter my home, you make sure I am out of sight. While you’re at it, tell your new girlfriend that if I see so much as an ounce of her, I will have her sent back to Farrow so fast she won’t know what hit her. Do I make myself clear?”
“It doesn’t have to be this way—”
“You should’ve thought of that before you kissed me for the last time.” My voice trembles when I say the last time and I turn away from him before he sees how he’s gutting me.
I hear him take a few steps and open the door. “I’m sorry it ended this way.”
“You’ve been trying to tell me for years that we aren’t anything. I got the message tonight. Get out.” I wave my hand dismissively and he closes the door behind him.
I make sure he is truly gone before I pound on the wall next to me, grieving for the loss of the only man I have ever loved.
* * *
Now, not only do I see a reel playing in my head of Brienne and Elias in his car, but I have a reminder every time I look outside where they were parked…a reminder that Brienne Jarvis is ruining my life.
After giving it some thought—okay, night and day thought—I am full of regret. I wish I hadn’t said what I did to Elias. I wish I’d reminded him of our chemistry, instead of lashing out. I wish I’d kissed Brienne out of his head and forced him to really think about what he was doing by throwing me away. Because Elias and I—we are indestructible. Even now, feeling the loss of him so acutely, I am aware that he is running from me. He always has.
I just have to find a way to make him stop.
But not today. Today I need a little self-care.
I go into the spa, asking for Angelica, who usually comes to the house for me. I couldn’t stay home a second longer though, and when they see me walking into the spa, the receptionist immediately picks up the phone and clears Angelica’s schedule. Once I’m feeling more relaxed after a massage, I go and get my nails and hair done, then go shopping for a few hours at our boutiques downtown.
Still feeling empty, I stop at Club 360. I’ve avoided the party scene since everything happened with my father, but I can’t go home right now. I drink enough that I’m comfortable dancing alone in the middle of the dance floor, shooing off every man who gets too close. After a few more drinks, I don’t shoo them off. It feels good to have a warm body behind me, shadowing my moves. I let the music heal as much of me as I possibly can, and even then, I am an open wound.
What if Elias moves on without me? What if our story doesn’t end with us together like I’ve always envisioned? I can’t stand the thought, but his interaction with Brienne has gone further than any of his other playthings. Or maybe it’s just the front row seat I have to them. I didn’t take his other dalliances seriously, just as I don’t take what I do with Alex seriously.
Alex…when his face pops up in my mind, I realize I have the power to change all of this.
If I play my cards right.
But for tonight, I deserve to be wild. One more time.
* * *
I wake up with an arm over my stomach and jerk my head up to see who has the audacity to be in my bed.
Only I’m not home, I’m in—I look around the room and my mouth drops in horror—I am in a hovel. There are clothes lying haphazardly everywhere I look, the bedside table has a layer of dust anywhere that isn’t covered with beer cans and cigarettes.
What have I done?
I cover my mouth to keep from groaning and then risk a glance at the man lying next to me. He looks older than me by a few years, his forehead crinkled as he snores out a steady honk and blows bad breath on me. I move my hand to cover my nose too as I inch out of bed. When I pull back the covers and discover I am wearing NOTHING, my eyes widen and I choke back a groan.
I try to remember the night before—how is it possible that I don’t remember this guy even a little bit?
It’s bad enough that I’m in a stranger’s home, but the sheer dirt when I put my foot on the bare floor gives me a full-body shudder. I look at the man again, wincing at how rough he looks. I must have been some kind of drunk to ever think that he was attractive enough for me to go home with—I give him one more glance. Really, Mara? Him?
I see my outfit near the bathroom and don’t even bother looking for my shoes when the guy lets out an extra loud honk. I creak the bedroom door open, putting my dress on as fast as I can while I look around wildly for the way out.
My phone! Shit! I run back to the bedroom and it’s on the floor by the bed, along with my tiny purse. I creep over there, tripping over a shoe and rolling my eyes when I see that it’s not mine.
The snoring stops for a few seconds and I freeze, not sure if I dare look at him or if he’s, God forbid, waking up. My breathing clatters back in my chest when he continues his racket.
I don’t waste another second. I grab my things and get out of there quicker than I knew I was capable of, only stopping when I’m well out of sight of the apartment building. I walk along the beach barefoot in my sexy dress, slinging tears off my face as fast as they fall.
I’ve officially lost my mind.
Tears are for the weak and I am not weak.
Except I am. I’m so weak and so lost.
I schedule an appointment with my doctor to make sure I’m still clean after whatever that mistake was that I made last night. God. I might be a wreck, but I’m usually a smart wreck.
I buy some flip-flops from a tourist shop near the beach, a place I have never dared enter. I point at the sunglasses I swiped from the stand when the cashier looks at me and she totals it all up. For a second she looks at me like she recognizes me. I glance at the newspapers and magazines nearby and nearly fall over when I see myself dirty dancing front and center on one of the gossipy glossies. They’ve gotten quicker—my enemies, the photographers. Now I barely get out of a club and I’m on the cover of something. I lower my head and get out of there, flip-flops flapping until I rip the tag off and put the damn things on.
Dr. Angeli sees me right away and spares me the lecture she knows I deserve. I’ve never had sex without a condom and I’m on the pill. I hope that I kept that record last night, but I can’t remember anything past dancing at the club. I think my remorse is showing clearly enough that Dr. Angeli knows I get the point.
“I can have some of the results back in an hour, if you’d like to wait right here.”
I nod and she smiles reassuringly.
“I’ll grab a blanket. You look like you could use the rest. Stretch out here and I’ll get back to you as soon as I know something.”
“Thank you.”
Surprisingly, I do fall into a deep sleep and when Dr. Angeli knocks on the door, I’m still in a fog as I lift my head and she walks in.
“Things look good for now, Mara. I’ll let you know when the rest of the results come in.”
“Thank you,” I whisper.
Rejuvenated a bit from my nap, I walk along the beach until I lose track of time. It’s interesting how much clarity you can get by looking at the ocean. I find an isolated spot and sit out there for hours. It’s there that the rest of my plan formulates. At least one
good thing will come out of the past twenty-four hours.
When I get home, I text Alex. It’s midnight, but he will love it all the more for the sheer drama of it.
I need you.
That’s all I say, but I’ve never felt the words more.
I hear back from him within minutes, as I knew I would. He might not be Elias, but he has qualities of his own that are hard to beat.
Say the word and I am there. What can I do, love?
I type a response and delete it, think about it another second and start typing again, finally deciding on my approach.
I have a proposition.
He calls twenty seconds later. Alex doesn’t mess around. I don’t know if he’s like that with everyone, but with me, he’s on top of things…something I’ve never appreciated more.
“You have my attention,” he says seductively on the phone.
“Do you want to get engaged, Alex?”
“Are you asking me to marry you or if I want to get married one day?”
“How would you feel about being engaged to me?”
“So not married but engaged. Two very different things.”
“Exactly.” I giggle into the phone.
“I’d rather you accept that you belong with me, but you’re not quite there yet. Am I right?”
“Well, I’d prefer to stay in Niaps, Alex. You know Yuman is not exactly my cup of tea.” I’d rather blame it on the country than my desire for Elias. It makes things a little more negotiable when I’m trying to work a life-changing favor out of Alex.
“I don’t know what you’ve got against Yuman. You used to love it here. You just need to work things out with Nadia. You know that, right?”
“I know…I’ll think about it.” It hurts, what she did. Almost more than Luka.
“I’d be happy in Niaps for a while…at least while my father is so healthy and all up in my business. What exactly are you asking me, Mara?”
“I’m asking if you’ll come to see me. Tomorrow. And stay awhile.”
“You’ve got more explaining to do than this, but you have me curious enough to come. I want you, Mara. I don’t think you’ve ever known how much, but I want you any way I can have you.”
My heart thumps harder despite galloping with another man’s name. It’s nice to feel desired. Even if it’s by the wrong man.
“Tomorrow. I can’t wait to see you, Alex.”
“Woman, you have me hard just thinking about it. Tomorrow.”
“Get it out of your system before you see me,” I tell him before hanging up.
Chapter Ten
Mara
The next morning I’m exhausted and distracted and the last place I want to be is our dining room, but I need coffee bad. I’m nearly there when someone runs me over.
I cringe when I see that it’s Brienne and she holds a hand out to keep me from falling, but instead, her coffee is what lands on me. It spills down the front of my dress and my hand, and I shriek.
“Are you trying to kill me or what? Look at my hand—” I hold up my trembling hand and it’s already bright red from being scalded.
“I’m s-so sorry. Let me get something to help.” She hurries past me and I’m right on her heels.
“I don’t need your help. Just stay out of my way.”
“Mara, please.”
“You’ve done enough damage.” I pull on her arm and she stops just outside the kitchen door. “I let Elias know last night that you’re on borrowed time around here. If I so much as see you once more, I will have your ass shipped back to Farrow faster than you can—”
“Mara!” Eden comes out of the dining room and walks down the hall to us, her features pulled tight with her fury. “Apologize immediately. You have no control over Brienne’s future here in Niaps—she is here on my behalf and you will not speak to her like this again. I know this isn’t the first time you’ve been unbelievably rude to her, but it will be the last time. Am I understood?”
“Oh, I understand what you’re saying, but it’s like white noise in my ears. This is my home, Eden. I do have some say in what happens here, whether you like it or not.”
“Don’t test me, Mara. You won’t like the outcome.”
“I’m shaking in fear,” I mock. “Now get out of my way, I need to put ice on this hand that Brienne just burned. I don’t suppose you can be bothered to care about that, can you?”
Eden and Brienne exchange a look before Eden checks out my hand. “That doesn’t look good.” She brushes past me and gets an ice pack herself, holding it out to me when she comes back.
I’m surprised by the gesture and press my lips together in annoyance. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” Eden looks at Brienne then and motions toward the dining room. “There’s a great breakfast spread out this morning. You should get in on that. The tea might not be very filling this afternoon.”
“I just need coffee,” Brienne says timidly. She looks past me and I wonder if Elias is waiting for her outside. “I’m sorry about your hand, Mara.”
I act as if she hasn’t spoken, holding the ice pack to my hand.
The castle suddenly feels very small. There’s definitely not room for all of us here. Not if I have anything to say about it. Unfortunately, duty calls and today I have to answer it.
* * *
If disappearing were an option, I’d pick today to vacate. Eden and I have to go to the Ladies of Niaps high tea, which means Brienne will also be nearby. Kill me now. I take small comfort in the fact that she looks just as tired as I do. Hopefully it’s her nerves and not Elias keeping her up all night.
God, I can’t stand the thought.
The tea goes well, until an elderly lady slaps a glossy magazine on the table in front of Eden and points at it with her wrinkled, veiny hand. I’m too far away to see it, but I can tell by the look on Eden’s face that she’s struck a nerve.
Brienne steps forward, always protective, always ready to fight anyone over Eden. What would it be like to have someone give me that kind of loyalty? It used to be Elias and I feel the loss every day.
“When is this girl going to be put in her place? She is a disgrace to our country, a disgrace to your family!” the woman screeches.
Brienne puts her hands on her arm and nudges her away from the table.
The woman turns to look up at her and glares. “Stand back, I’m doing nothing wrong.” She tries to get Brienne’s hands off of her, but Brienne doesn’t let go.
“You will lower your voice and speak respectfully to our queen,” Brienne says it firmly; there is no argument in her words.
Eden clears her throat and hands the magazine back to the woman. “She shouldn’t have to apologize for having a little fun,” she says, smiling. “She’s single, she’s not hurting anyone, and how would you like it if every time you turned around, your actions were put on blast?”
Eden’s eyes flit to mine and my heart thuds into my stomach. I step closer to them, but now the woman has put the magazine under her arm and I can’t see it. I want to know who they’re talking about. The lady scrunches her nose and mutters something about what does a blast have to do with anything. She shakes the magazine again. “She should take some lessons from you. You never acted like that. Thank God you’re our queen and not that one.”
I have to lean against a chair, my body feels like a noodle. She’s talking about me.
Eden sniffs and her eyes take on a glint that I’m sure the woman does not notice, but if I were her, I would.
“I’d ask that you show a little compassion to someone obviously trying to find her way.” She stands up and smooths out her dress, looking past the woman to the next in line. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, there are others here I need to see.”
The old lady huffs and tucks the magazine back under her arm before hobbling off. When she sees me standing there, she shoots a glare at me and mutters under her breath. Eden exchanges an apologetic look with me and I stare weakly back at her.
&n
bsp; That’s twice in one day that Eden has surprised me.
* * *
My day goes further into hellish territory when I overhear a conversation between Elias and Brienne. My warning that they need to stay out of my sight doesn’t seem to be sinking in.
“Hey, I just got done with a meeting,” he says. “Do you feel like going out later? Maybe a late dinner after you’re off work…”
“I’d love that!”
I roll my eyes and mimic her singsongy voice in my head, mouthing, “I’d love that!” to myself.
I look around the corner and put my hand to my mouth when I see him smile at her.
“Eight? Nine?”
“Eight thirty.”
“Until then.” He reaches in his pocket and frowns. “Looks like I forgot my phone. I’ll just go bug Luka again.” He walks backward, his sexy smirk creating all kinds of fireworks in my chest and I’m sure they’re doing the same to Brienne based on her glazed eyes.
He’s barely out of the room when my mother steps in from another hallway, looking regal as always, despite the hate coming off of her in waves.
“You and Elias are looking awfully friendly. You know he’s just using you, right? Someone like Elias would never really want someone like you. He’s just biding his time until Mara is available…however, you could be very useful, if you play your cards right. I’ve wanted Mara to let go of her foolish dreams of Elias for a long time.” She clasps her hands together. “This should be fun to watch.”
My heart is pounding so hard I’m afraid they’ll hear it and call me out of hiding.
“Mara seems to be doing just fine on her own,” Brienne says. Her grin is smug and I want to rip her hair out. What does she mean by that?
Mother’s eyes narrow on Brienne and her lips part. “What do you have on them?” she finally asks.
“Pardon me?” Brienne must be an excellent actress, because she looks truly stunned now, like she’s at a complete loss for what my mother means.
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