Complete Works of L. Frank Baum
Page 798
Tadros appeared distressed.
“You have known me long, my sheik,” said he, “and have always found me an honest man. Never have I mixed with the police in any way. But do you imagine the Government will neglect to watch over Winston Bey and protect him from his enemies? Ask the captain when he returns with the soldiers and Kāra. He will be here very soon now, and he will tell you that Tadros the dragoman had nothing to do with his coming here.”
The sheik glanced around nervously.
“You say he will be here soon?”
“At any moment. Something has gone wrong with Winston Bey’s dahabeah, it seems, and the soldiers are to put things right.”
An tar fell into the trap. In common with most natives, he greatly feared the mounted police, and had no inclination to face a company of them. Quickly he ran to the end of the hill overlooking the river, and blew a shrill blast between his fingers as a signal to his comrades.
Instantly his men swarmed from the distant boat and sped over the sands toward him. The sheik met them and the whole band turned toward the north, quickly disappearing among the rugged crags of the mountains.
Tadros, convulsed with laughter at his easy victory, watched until the last Arab was out of sight. Then he walked down to the dahabeah, where, in the gathering twilight, he cut the bonds of the prisoners, assuring Winston Bey and his party, with many bombastic words, that he had vanquished their enemies and they owed their lives to his shrewdness and valor.
“You are free as the air,” said he. “Fear nothing hereafter, for I will now remain with you.”
“Where is Kāra?” asked Winston.
Tadros did not know; but he suspected that Consinor, before returning from the interior of the treasure-chamber, had murdered the Egyptian, whose mysterious disappearance could in no other way be explained. Not wishing to mention the viscount’s name, whose murder might involve both Nephthys and himself in trouble, he stuck to his original lie.
“Kāra is fleeing in one direction and the Arabs in another,” he said, pompously. “I am too modest to relate how I have accomplished this remarkable feat; but you must admit I have been wonderfully clever and successful, and by remaining faithful to your interests, have saved you from a terrible fate.”
Winston did not answer, for he was just then engaged in holding Aneth in a close embrace, while Mrs. Everingham looked upon the happy pair with moist eyes and smiling lips.
But old Lord Roane felt that their rescuer merited more tangible acknowledgment of his services.
“You are a brave man, Tadros,” he said.
“I am, indeed, sir,” agreed the dragoman, earnestly. “When we return to Cairo I will see that you are properly rewarded.”
Tadros smiled with pleasure.
“Thank you, my lord,” said he; “it is no more than I deserve.”
“Just now,” continued his lordship, “we are bound for Luxor to celebrate a wedding.”
“With Tadros for dragoman,” remarked the Egyptian, calmly lighting a cigarette, “all things are possible.”
THE END
Shorter Fiction
Baum in 1911
OUR LANDLADY
Contributions to ‘The Aberdeen Saturday Pioneer’
In July 1888, Baum and his wife moved to Aberdeen, Dakota Territory, where they opened a store, which they called Baum’s Bazaar. However, Baum’s habit of imprudently giving credit led to the eventual bankrupting of the store. Therefore, he turned to editing a local newspaper, The Aberdeen Saturday Pioneer, in which he wrote a column titled Our Landlady. The following weekly narratives ran from January 1890 until February 1891, and they concerned the humorous interactions of the titular landlady and her three regular lodgers, as well as several other residents of Aberdeen. The topics discussed are often controversial, especially by today’s standards, and they give a detailed panorama of life in a small town in late Nineteenth Century America. These biting works are among Baum’s very earliest writings and reveal traces of his later skill in satirical works.
The Aberdeen Saturday Pioneer faced financial barriers, just as experienced previously with Baum’s Bazaar. The failure of the wheat crop in 1889 and 1890 sent the entire regional economy into a steep decline, affecting virtually every business in town. Baum’s subscriber list dropped from 3500 customers to 1400, and many of those who remained could not pay their bills. The last known edition of Baum’s paper was dated 21 March 1891; when he turned the paper over to the previous owner, who sold it on to someone else.
CONTENTS
She Remarks Emphatically on Some Timely and Truthful Topics
25 January 1890
She Remonstrates on the Giddiness of Church Socials
1 February 1890
She Goes to a Ball and Lets a Cat out of the Bag
8 February 1890
She outdoes Nellie Bly and Makes a Trip around Aberdeen in 72 minutes and 6 seconds
15 February 1890
She Insists on Her Boarders Keeping Lent, With Indifferent Success
22 February 1890
She Gets a Letter from her Brother in Harriman that Nearly Breaks up the Establishment
1 March 1890
She Dabbles in Politics and Aspires to a Great Office
8 March 1890
She Worries over Seed Wheat, and Gets Lectured by the Boarders
15 March 1890
She Discusses the Disadvantages of Prohibition, and Invents a New Method of Baking Pies
22 March 1890
She Makes a Terrible Mistake and Quotes a Proverb
29 March 1890
She Tells Why Farmers Should be Happy and Displays Remarkable Forethought
5 April 1890
She Aspires to Rival Ella Wheeler Wilcox and Concocts Another Scheme
12 April 1890
She Lectures the Boarders for Unseemly Conduct and Feeds Them a Green Apple Pie
19 April 1890
Her Experiences in Attempting to Photograph a Baby, and the Severe Mental Strain that Ensued
26 April 1890
She Discourses on Many Topics and tells how Alley deals out the Corn
3 May 1890
She Gives Away the Initiation Ceremonies of the United Workmen and has a Fruitless Search for the Chief of Police
10 May 1890
She Investigates the Original Package Deal With Doubtful Results
17 May 1890
She Raises the Price of Board, but Lowers it Again Through Stern Necessity
24 May 1890
She Manufactures Hash and Gives the Boarders a few Pointers on the Aberdeen Guards
31 May 1890
She Tackles Religion and Gives Her Ideas of the Sunday Enforcement Law
7 June 1890
She Prepares a Treat for the Boarders Which Leads to a Strange Comedy of Errors
21 June 1890
She Announces Her Birthday and Makes an Even Exchange With the Boarders
28 June 1890
She Celebrates the Fourth and Relates Her Varied Experiences
5 July 1890
She Discourses upon Love and Politics
12 July 1890
She Buys a Cow and the Boarders Help Her Milk it
19 July 1890
She Talks About Railroads and Various Minor Matters
26 July 1890
Our Landlady (1)
2 August 1890
She Exposes a Practical Joke and Tells About the Goose Quill Kiss
9 August 1890
Our Landlady (2)
16 August 1890
She gives a Picnic to the Boarders and Writes a Proclamation
23 August 1890
She Attends the Convention and is Disgusted with Politics
30 August 1890
She returns from her Vacation and Visits the Fair
20 September 1890
She Discusses Timely Topics and Criticises some Aberdeen People
4 October 1890
She Discourses on the “Hard Times
Club,” and tells a Story
11 October 1890
She Confides to the Boarders a Deal to Advance the Cause of Equal Suffrage
18 October 1890
She Relates some Exciting Ancedotes and Attends the Independent Barbecue
25 October 1890
She Gets Her Dander up and Goes Back on Politics
1 November 1890
She has her Last Say concerning Politics, and Criticises a Society Event
8 November 1890
She Organizes a Reading Club in the Most Approved Style of the Art
15 November 1890
She gives the Boarders a Thanksgiving Dinner and Discusses her Blessings
29 November 1890
Our Landlady (3)
6 December 1890
She Enjoys a pleasant chat with the Boarders
20 December 1890
She Fills the Colonel’s Stocking and Talks of the Charity Ball
27 December 1890
She Visits the Great Downditch Farm and tells the Boarders of its Wonders
3 January 1891
She Tells the Boarders How to Make a fortune
10 January 1891
Choice Selections from Her Rambling Remarks
17 January 1891
She Reads a Chapter in “Looking Backward” to the Astonished and Interested Boarders
31 January 1891
She Discusses New Inventions with the Boarders
8 February 1891
She Remarks Emphatically on Some Timely and Truthful Topics
25 January 1890
“It beats all,” said our landlady, as she threw down the plate of pancakes and wiped the turner on her apron, “it beats all how hard the times really is. There’s no end to the sufferin’, right here in our own neighborhood — excuse me, colonel, but your a butterin’ of that cake the second time! Why, only yesterday a poor woman from the country was beggin’ the grocery man to trust her for a pint o’ kerosene, and he wouldn’t let her have it. It made my heart bleed, that’s what it did, and if any o’ you boarders had a paid up lately I’d have gin it to her myself.”
Here Tom looked rather red, and said hastily, “But Mrs. Bilkins, she might have been an impostor.”
“Nonsense,” replied the landlady, moving the syrup out of the colonel’s reach, “the country people hain’t got a cent — nor the city ones neither for that matter! Even the hotels is economizing. Don’t it look bad for Al. Ward to eat at the Sherman House and Jim Ringrose go sneakin’ down to Ward’s for lunch?”
“Mrs. Bilkins!” cried the colonel, “are you trying to starve us? Let me tell you ma’am, that I for one won’t be economized on. Fetch on the cakes!” The landlady darted a wicked look at him and retired to the kitchen.
“The times are bad,” said the doctor, thoughtfully, as he removed the grounds from his coffee, “any one would think the prevailing epidemic would help my business, but it don’t. Nine out of ten who declare they have la grippe are impostors, and the other one suffers tortures rather than pay for a prescription because he thinks the desease isn’t fatal.
“That’s false economy.”
“Economy!” shrieked the landlady, reappearing with the hot cakes, “everybody’s economizin’! What do you think o’ Nat. Wendell’s chewin’ both ends of his toothpick, and Frank Beard blackin’ of his own boots, an’ Skip Salisbury refusin’ to shake for the cigars, and Cholly Brockway’s stayin’ at Columbia three weeks rather than pay the fare home to see his girl? There’s economy for you!” The colonel picked his teeth with a ruminating air.
“If,” said he, “I had any money, I too would economize. But it’s impossible to economize on nothing.”
“Why, gendemen;” continued the landlady, sitting down across the arms of the baby’s high chair, and waving the empty pancake plate with the air of a newly elected speaker to a brand new House, “why see how the uncommon council is economizin’! Ain’t they hired a lot o’ poor men to plant sign posts in the snow, so as to keep them from starvin’ and obligin’ the city to bury ‘em?
“Ain’t they cut down poor Major Barrett’s printing bill to $1700, when they might have gin him five thousand? And he such a nice, pleasant gendeman, too! I declare it’s too aggravatin’! But economy must begin somewhere, and why not with the uncommon council — hey?”
But the boarders had quietly stolen away, and the landlady having wiped the mouth of the syrup jug with her finger, put it in her mouth (the finger, that is) and retired to the kitchen in a triumphant mood.
PETE
She Remonstrates on the Giddiness of Church Socials
1 February 1890
“When I was young,” remarked our landlady, picking a gray hair out of the butter and laying it on the edge of the plate to tempt our appetites. “When I was a gal, they didn’t have such goin’s on at the church sociables.”
“That must have been before my time,” said the colonel, ignoring the icy regard of a scorned woman’s eyes turned full upon him.
“To what do you refer, ma’am?” asked Tom unwarily, meaning to avert the coming storm.
“Why to these goin’s on about buyin’ gals at auction, as if they was so many slaves at the market! It’s outrageous, that’s what it is, and oughten ter be allowed in a Christian country!”
“But the girls didn’t seem to object,” suggested the doctor, eating a crust without spreading it.
“Oh, no, the gals didn’t object!” acquiesced the landlady, elevating her nasal appendage; “the girls nowadays is too highty-tighty for anything. Why they’re actually goin’ to be weighed ‘afore the men folks, I hear, and bought for so much a pound! Think o’ that, gentlemen!”
“Nothing very improper in the thought, I’m sure,” said the Colonel, helping himself to a pickled onion to remove the taste of the stewed prunes from his mouth. “It’s only a little matter of fun, Mrs. Bilkins, and if the young ladies don’t object I don’t see why you should.”
“I don’t! Let ‘em ruin their chances of gettin’ married if they want to. Who’d marry a girl as was weighed ‘afore the whole world? And at a church sociable, too! What can the ministers be thinkin’ of?”
“They probably dream of the church debts being paid and are content,” quoth Tom, sotto voce.
“These gals,” continued the landlady, carelessly wiping her forehead with the doctor’s napkin, “are probably all designing women, and are doin’ their best to catch onter the fellers. Poor Skip’s gone crazy over ‘em they say, and Mutz and Peepo can’t hardly wait for the next sociable to spend their money. And Harvey Jewett went to try and stop the doin’s at Gilmore’s and make ‘em behave proper, and Harry Marple went to help him do it, and they was the two biggest fools o’ the lot and almost fit each other to see which could buy the first string with a gal hitched onto the tother end of it! I declare it’s enough to make me want to move to Columbia!”
“Don’t do that!” exclaimed the colonel, with a startled look, but further remark was cut short by the entrance of the new boarder.
“I’m sorry to say, Mrs. Bilkins,” said the new-comer, suavely, “that important business calls me out of town. I have been here just a week. Please accept this check in payment; any one will cash it for you. Good day ma’am!”
He was gone, and the landlady turned the check over and murmured “I hain’t got my glasses here. Colonel, will you give me the money on this ‘ere thing?”
The Colonel glanced at it, got very red, and left the room without a word. She handed it to Tom, but he merely looked at the signature and walked away with a low whistle. The doctor did not wait, but softly made his exit, and the landlady, looking after them was struck by a sudden thought. She rushed to the window and held the paper close to her eyes. It was a check, right enough, and regularly drawn, but the signature was both mysterious and portentious: “Dan McGinty.”
PETE
She Goes to a Ball and Lets a Cat out of the Bag
8 February 1890
“
Yes,” acknowledged our landlady, fanning her hot and florid face with her apron, “I do feel a little rocky today, colonel, and that’s a fact. You see, everybody has to have a little recreation, though it’s the first time in seving year as I’ve tripped the light fantastic myself.”
“Been to a party, ma’am?” asked the doctor, picking a china button out of the gravy.
“Well, this were more like a ball,” replied the landlady, smiling broadly; “an’ a reglar out ‘n outer it was, too! The music played reglar tunes, it did, and every onct in a while, when the boys stopped yellin’, you could hear it as plain as day, an’ — ”
Here Tom interrupted the discourse with a cry of agony, and rushing to the window he carefully extracted something from his jaws with many facial contortions.
“What is it, Tom?” asked the doctor, expectantly.
“A pin!” groaned the unfortunate boarder, holding it up in full view; “‘twas in the mashed potato.”
“Madam!” cried the Colonel, severely, “you will oblige us by looking a little closer after your wearing apparel. It’s my turn next, and I hav’nt the least doubt but I’ll strike a corset in the horseradish or something equally as bad. We’re not kickers, Mrs. Bilkins, — far from it, — but in the future be a little more particular!”
“Dear me, gentlemen,” exclaimed the landlady, aghast; “I’m orful sorry, but I’m that flustrated today that I can’t account for nothin’ as happens, nohow! Disserpadon is so a tryin’ to the nerves!”
“True,” acquiesced the doctor, mildly, “but you haven’t told us who was present at the ball.”
“No — an’ I must!” returned the landlady, brightening, “for they was a real swell crowd, I can tell you. There was me in my red gownd, an’ Miss Smithers’ hired lady in a black an’ brown balmoral, an’ Miss Jenkyns the dressmaker in a green perlice, an’ a hired lady from West Hill in a yaller an’ blue striped jersey, an’ — ”
“Never mind the ladies, Mrs. Bilkins,” broke in Tom, more to try if his jaw would work than because he was interested.
“An’ there was two other ladies there, too,” continued the landlady, with much satisfaction, “but I did’nt hear their names, for no one interduced ‘em: an’ one wored a scarlet plush all embroidered up the side, an’ — ”