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Complete Works of L. Frank Baum

Page 878

by L. Frank Baum


  suppose —

  Sure! that’s why our Teddy hunts

  bare.”

  SONG OF A SAILOR

  The yachtsman is a sailor, for he wears a sailor hat

  And greets a cat-o’-nine-tails with a very nervous “scat!”

  Whene’er in need of exercise he’ll box the compass o’er

  And when he’s half-seas-over you will find

  Perchance he meets a Summer Girl and yells out “Ship ahoy!”

  Enquiring if she wouldn’t like to anchor to a buoy.

  But if she thinks him naughtycal and scoots before the breeze

  The yachtsman reefs his reefer while he — tacks with tactful ease.

  Hickory, dickory, dock;

  The mouse ran up the clock

  Of the maiden’s stocking —

  ‘Twas really shocking!

  They heard her half a block.

  FARM HINTS

  If you plant just one banana-peel

  In August, you will raise

  A quart, at least, of slippery-elm,

  And that’s a crop that pays.

  Now thresh the frosty pumpkin

  And the sweet-potato mow;

  And if you find you’re in a boat

  Be sure to hoe your row.

  SEPTEMBER

  THE oyster now deserts his shell

  To feed the folk that love him well;

  The theatres throw wide their doors

  To greet us with these well-known bores

  A tune we’ve heard somewhere before,

  A girl in tights and little more

  A sad comedian, a plot

  That’s only rot as like as not;

  The same old show, the same old beat,

  The same old price to get a seat.

  Little Miss Gobble

  She made her jaws wobble

  By eating an ice-cream cone;

  Her fond mother caught her

  And robbed her dear daughter

  And finished the cone all alone.

  Mary had a little lamb,

  She fleeced him on the go;

  And yet he didn’t care a slam —

  For papa paid, you know.

  Faint heart ne’er won fair lady, but it’s

  often saddled with a homely one.

  Once a fly with graceful flutter

  Stopped to rest upon some butter —

  It was soft,

  As ‘tis oft.

  There he floundered, struggled madly,

  Wanted to escape so badly,

  But was stuck —

  Horrid luck!

  Cook reached over, threw the butter

  In the frying-pan to splutter —

  Fly was fried

  Till he died.

  Underneath the steak he rested

  And by some one was digested —

  How unkind!

  Never mind.

  When papa snores the baby’s eyes

  Are opened wide in grieved surprise.

  A moment later baby’s roars

  Are keeping time to papa’s snores.

  Simple Simon met a pieman

  Going to the fair;

  He ate a slice, had not the price,

  But said, with modest air:

  “This simple life, as Wagner says,

  Is the only kind of graft that pays.”

  A theatrical manager is known by the

  company he keeps.

  A grateful draught he daily quaffed,

  A draughtsman fair was he;

  And then he stood within a draught

  A game of draughts to see.

  He made a draught upon the bank

  To buy draught-horses fast;

  But as a final draughty prank

  Death draughted him at last.

  Americans love to blow their own horns.

  Sometimes one of our rich girls will

  blow herself for her own cor’net.

  OCTOBER

  This is the month the fishes bite

  Because they have an appetite;

  And children, with bent pins and twine

  Instead of any hook or line,

  A-fishing go in pond and brook

  And many little fishes hook.

  Then of their sport they tell with pride

  And eat the fishes when they’re fried.

  There was a man in our town

  And he was wondrous wise;

  He bought his wife a tailor-gown

  With all the hooks and eyes

  Upon the front — a clever scheme,

  For he don’t have to hook her.

  That gown is certainly a dream

  And quite a stylish looker.

  (Chorus of Lady Readers: “Ugh!”)

  Figures won’t lie, but don’t imagine the

  chorus girl has to stand up when she gets home.

  “Baa, baa, hand-me-down,

  Have you any wool?”

  “Every fifteen-dollar suit,

  When it’s on, is full.”

  “Baa, baa, hand-me-down,

  Aren’t you telling lies?”

  “No, for all my wool I pull

  Over the customer’s eyes.”

  Give the devil his due, but don’t imagine

  you owe him your entire salary.

  THINK IT OVER

  When a girl admits she loves you and declares she will be true,

  Think it over.

  If you’re living up your income, how can you provide for two”?

  Think it over.

  It’s nice to have a pretty wife to cook and pour your tea;

  It’s nice to have some little ones to clamber on your knee;

  But such luxuries are costly, all the married men agree —

  Think it over.

  Care will kill a cat — but the cat won’t care.

  Did you ever see a man defeat a trust

  Just because the trusty trust was so unjust?

  Did you ever?

  No, you never!

  For the man that fights a trust is sure to bust.

  OCT 31st

  Future husbands may be seen

  On the night of Hallowe’en;

  Also front gates may be found

  In the back yard on the ground.

  When the door-bell rings don’t worry

  For the boys are in a hurry.

  Ghosts are seen both fat and lean

  On this frisky “hallowed” e’en.

  NOVEMBER

  This is the month the football game

  Puts wars and rioting to shame,

  And moral mortals sink so low

  They bet which way the game will go!

  Our gentle maidens all adore

  The champion who sheds most gore,

  And laugh with innocent delight

  To see the long-haired fellows fight.

  And if a shudder you behold

  It’s ‘cause the weather’s beastly cold;

  To freeze and shiver every one

  With joy submits, to see “the fun.”

  The North wind doth blow

  And we shall have snow

  And what will the robber do then,

  poor thing?

  He’ll “hold up” a few,

  And the whole police, too,

  And relieve you of your diamond

  ring — poor thing!

  There was a crooked man

  Who was crooked all the while.

  He beat his crooked neighbors

  In an easy, crooked style.

  He delved in crooked politics

  And cast a crooked vote,

  And now the crooks respect him

  As a man of crooked note.

  The lady gave a wail

  For a man walked up her trail;

  Said he: “Great Scott!

  As like as not

  There’s no moral to this tale!”

  The perfume on a lady’s gown

  Suggests the darling meant
/>   No matter whether asked or not

  She’d surely give a-scent.

  Many a true word is spoken in disgust.

  “Pease porridge hot,

  Pease porridge cold;

  Here’s wifey’s letter I forgot--

  It’s three days old!”

  There was a little man, and he had a little gun,

  And its bullets were mischievous sneers, sneers, sneers —

  He thought it good luck when he hit a little duck

  And brought to her pretty eyes tears, tears, tears.

  An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of snake-bite.

  “Race suicide,” said Mr. Jinks,

  “I’m guilty of, I know;

  For I bet my money on a nag

  That never had a show.

  ‘Twas sure a matter of disgrace

  To squander money so:

  You’d hardly call the thing a race —

  ‘Twas suicidal, though!”

  The man who gets a chauffeur seldom gets

  a show for his money.

  Rolling billiard-balls gather no salary.

  DECEMBER

  HERE is the last month of the year —

  The month of Christmas joy and cheer;

  And papa dons disguise because

  The kids expect old Santa Claus.

  With fur-trimmed robe and whiskers white

  This hand-made Santa is a sight,

  And every tiny lass and lad

  Knows very well it’s “only Dad!”

  Old King Coal

  Was a merry old soul,

  For the kind janitor never used him;

  All worry he spurned

  For he couldn’t be burned

  And the swear words of tenants amused him.

  I had a little poodle-dog

  Who always said “bow-wow!”

  He couldn’t say another thing,

  But said that, anyhow.

  He always wagged his little tail

  Whenever he was glad,

  And wagged it in the same old way

  Whenever he was sad.

  HARD TO SUIT

  Once a maiden loved a fireman,

  But to wed she didn’t dare,

  For of such a hose-supporter

  Any maiden might beware.

  Then she turned to a policeman

  Who was awful big and sweet,

  But her love was soon arrested

  When she found him on the beat.

  So a lawyer caught her fancy,

  But it gave her heart a jar

  When she found the gay deceiver

  Was all day before the bar.

  Next a baker sent her kisses

  And he kneaded her, we know,

  For he straightway bought a license

  After he had raised the dough.

  Bye, baby bunting,

  Father’s gone a-hunting.

  Mother knows the kind of game —

  Rather wild, but always tame.

  Little man blue, come blow your pile,

  You’ve purchased on margin, now tremble awhile.

  But where is the broker that fleeces the sheep?

  He’s at the Grand Opera, fast asleep!

  Haste, man, and sell without delay,

  Or you may be broker another day.

  Ignorance of the law excuses no one — except the judges.

  RECKLESS NOAH

  When Noah built the ark,

  Of good old Hick’ry bark,

  He saved the whale, the high-priced quail,

  The June-bug and the shark.

  He saved the soft gazelle,

  The gentle college-yell,

  The museum freak from Mozambique

  And Continuous Vaudeville.

  He saved the slot-machine,

  The noodle-soup tureen,

  The sardine box and the blondine locks

  Of the maid of sweet sixteen.

  The jokes of dear Mark Twain,

  The woman’s-rights campaign —

  He saved ‘em all, both great and small,

  And they can’t get lost again!

  The Poems

  LIST OF POEMS IN CHRONOLOGICAL ORDER

  SEMI-SENTIMENTAL VERSE BY THE CANDELABRA’S GLARE

  T’ OTHER DAY

  RIGHT AT LAST

  TIME’S VAGARIES

  HER ANSWER

  MY QUANDARY

  MY FIRST LOVE

  THE GREEN-EYED MONSTER

  JESSIE, MY QUEEN!

  A SONNET TO MY LADY’S EYE

  TELL ME

  AT LAST

  THE ANSWER

  CYCLING VERSE: A HEADER

  A RUSE

  THE PROUD MISS MACNEAL

  FARMER BENSON ON THE MOTOCYCLE

  THEN AND NOW

  UNASSORTED VERSE

  JOHNSON

  LA REINE EST MORT1--

  VIVE LA REINE!

  YE WARMING PAN

  THE EGOTIST

  THE YOUNGSTER

  NANCE ADKINS

  A BIRD DOG

  WHEN THE WHISTLE BLOWS

  THE HERETIC

  A RARE BIT

  THE FISHER MAN

  WHEN MC GUFFY

  TWO WOMEN

  HOMO SUM

  THAT NEW LEAF

  CHILDREN’S VERSE

  DAN’L

  THE TRAMP

  THE BIG BLACK BEAR

  A ROMANCE OF A BROKEN WINDOW

  MY LITTLE MAID

  WHERE DO THEY GO?

  THE GREEDY GOLD-FISH

  WHO’S AFRAID?

  YOUNG AMERICA

  FATHER GOOSE

  WHY?

  DID YOU EVER SEE A RABBIT?

  TO WALK JIM JONES

  CLOCKWORK MAN

  TICK TOCK

  THIS BOLD BOY

  THERE WAS A GOOSE

  MISTER JINKS

  LITTLE BARELEGS RUNS

  WHO’S AFRAID?

  THE CATS THEY SIT

  A SAILOR FROM CHINA

  IF JOHNNY HAD NO EYE

  SALLY DANCE

  OLD MISTER MICKLEJOHN

  BABY FOUND A FEATHER

  JACK LANTERN

  A BUMBLE BEE

  GRANDPA’S HEAD

  UNCLE DICK GAVE ME A DOLLY

  CAPTAIN BING

  I HAD A DOG

  LITTLE TOMMY TODDLEKIN

  ORGAN GRINDER

  MASTER BUNNY

  MR. GREEN

  ELEPHANT

  KITTY KLYMER

  LEE-HI-LUNG-WHAN

  LITTLE NIGGER BOY

  JOHN HARRISON HOY

  POLLY WANTS A CRACKER

  BABY PULLED THE PUSSY’S TAIL

  PATSY BEDAD

  CATERPILLAR

  DING A LING

  QUITE A TRICK

  COME INTO OUR STORE

  THE BANDIT

  MISS NANCY PUTS ON AIRS

  THE BOSSIE-COW

  STANDING ON THE SIDEWALK

  A MAN LAST TUESDAY

  GOODNESS ME!

  CIVILIZED BOY

  BABIES’ SERENADE

  DOLLY’S RUN AWAY

  ANNIE WATERS

  A BEE FLEW DOWN

  THERE WAS A WHALE

  A LITTLE MAN

  BUY A GOOSE

  MISS NANCY BROWN

  COOTCHIE COOLOO

  HERE IS PADDY GEEGAN

  TIM JENKINS TRIED

  ROUGH RIDERS

  THE COOGIE BIRD

  THE SHIP WILL GO

  DONNEGAN

  CHICKENS AT NIGHT

  CATS BABIES HAVE

  SUN BEAR DANCES

  THE SOLDIER

  BETSY BAKER

  ONE OLD CAT!

  BOY FROM KALAMAZOO

  BOY, A TINY MITE

  GEORGE WASHINGTON

  SAMMY SIMPSON

  SEYMOUR CREDIT

  THE ARMY ALPHABET

  THE NAVY ALPHABET

  JANUARY

  FEBRUARY

  MARCH
<
br />   APRIL

  MAY

  A SPRING TRAGEDY

  JUNE

  A TERRIBLE TALE

  JULY

  THE OLD, OLD STORY

  AUGUST

  SONG OF A SAILOR

  FARM HINTS

  SEPTEMBER

  OCTOBER

  THINK IT OVER

  OCT 31ST

  NOVEMBER

  DECEMBER

  HARD TO SUIT

  RECKLESS NOAH

  LIST OF POEMS IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER

  A BEE FLEW DOWN

  A BIRD DOG

  A BUMBLE BEE

  A LITTLE MAN

  A MAN LAST TUESDAY

  A RARE BIT

  A ROMANCE OF A BROKEN WINDOW

  A RUSE

  A SAILOR FROM CHINA

  A SONNET TO MY LADY’S EYE

  A SPRING TRAGEDY

  A TERRIBLE TALE

  ANNIE WATERS

  APRIL

  AT LAST

  AUGUST

  BABIES’ SERENADE

  BABY FOUND A FEATHER

  BABY PULLED THE PUSSY’S TAIL

  BETSY BAKER

  BOY FROM KALAMAZOO

  BOY, A TINY MITE

  BUY A GOOSE

  CAPTAIN BING

  CATERPILLAR

  CATS BABIES HAVE

  CHICKENS AT NIGHT

  CHILDREN’S VERSE

  CIVILIZED BOY

  CLOCKWORK MAN

  COME INTO OUR STORE

  COOTCHIE COOLOO

  CYCLING VERSE: A HEADER

  DAN’L

  DECEMBER

  DID YOU EVER SEE A RABBIT?

  DING A LING

  DOLLY’S RUN AWAY

  DONNEGAN

  ELEPHANT

  FARM HINTS

  FARMER BENSON ON THE MOTOCYCLE

  FATHER GOOSE

  FEBRUARY

  GEORGE WASHINGTON

  GOODNESS ME!

  GRANDPA’S HEAD

  HARD TO SUIT

  HER ANSWER

  HERE IS PADDY GEEGAN

  HOMO SUM

  I HAD A DOG

  IF JOHNNY HAD NO EYE

  JACK LANTERN

  JANUARY

  JESSIE, MY QUEEN!

  JOHN HARRISON HOY

  JOHNSON

  JULY

  JUNE

  KITTY KLYMER

  LA REINE EST MORT1--

  LEE-HI-LUNG-WHAN

  LITTLE BARELEGS RUNS

  LITTLE NIGGER BOY

  LITTLE TOMMY TODDLEKIN

  MARCH

  MASTER BUNNY

  MAY

  MISS NANCY BROWN

  MISS NANCY PUTS ON AIRS

  MISTER JINKS

  MR. GREEN

  MY FIRST LOVE

  MY LITTLE MAID

  MY QUANDARY

  NANCE ADKINS

  NOVEMBER

  OCT 31ST

  OCTOBER

  OLD MISTER MICKLEJOHN

  ONE OLD CAT!

  ORGAN GRINDER

  PATSY BEDAD

  POLLY WANTS A CRACKER

  QUITE A TRICK

  RECKLESS NOAH

  RIGHT AT LAST

 

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