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Complete Works of L. Frank Baum

Page 886

by L. Frank Baum


  We haven’t been told.

  Sentry

  That’s it.

  Tin-man

  What’s it?

  Sentry

  You’re it.

  Scarecrow

  I’ve got it. This is a toll bridge and we

  can’t go over until we’ve been told.

  Tin-man

  (Sadly)

  Oh!

  Scarecrow

  ‘Tis a merry jest, but I see no change in

  you.

  Tin-man

  You see no change in me, because I’m

  broke.

  (Xing to Sentry)

  What’s the toll?

  Sentry

  One fong.

  Scarecrow

  One fong? This must be Chinese money.

  (Tin-man Xes to c. Scarecrow Xes to

  Sentry)

  Do you charge for anybody under five.

  Sentry

  No.

  Scarecrow

  That fixes me. I’m just nine days’ old.

  Sentry

  Nine days?

  Scarecrow

  Yes, but I’m large for my age. You may

  not believe it, but I was born just nine

  days ago.

  Sentry

  (With evident suspicious)

  That don’t go. And neither do you.

  Tin-man

  Can’t you trust us for two measly fongs?

  Sentry

  Not unless you leave your auto for

  security.

  Tin-man

  I haven’t got one.

  Sentry

  Haven’t got an auto, with that hat?

  Tin-man

  Oh, every man who wears a sailor cap

  don’t own a yacht.

  (Rejoins Scarecrow)

  Sentry

  (Goes C. to them)

  What are you fellers, anyway?

  Scarecrow

  MUST you know?

  Sentry

  Yes; or I’m likely to arrest you.

  Scarecrow

  I’m a smoke inspector in a painless dental

  parlor.

  Tin-man

  And I’m a switchman in a ladies’ hair

  emporium.

  Sentry

  (Distrustfully)

  You don’t seem to be telling the truth.

  (Goes back to bridge)

  Tin-man

  (Aside to Scarecrow)

  If I could find Little Dottie and the others

  they might help us.

  Scarecrow

  Take a look for them.

  (Pushes Tin-man R.)

  I’ll wait for you here.

  (Tin-man exits E. Scarecrow motions to

  him after he is off. Girls turn down stage)

  1st Cook

  Better leave these runaway prisoners to

  the police and spend OUR time getting

  places.

  Waitress

  Shall we advertise first? Here are our ads,

  all ready for the want columns.

  Scarecrow

  (Aside R.)

  Here’s a chance to turn the toll.

  (Slapping forehead)

  This is where my brains come in.

  (Aloud, advancing C.)

  Excuse me, ladies, but why advertise?

  2nd Cook

  We all need positions.

  1st cook

  Here are the ads we are going to publish.

  (Hands paper to Scarecrow)

  Scarecrow

  I know, you want everything - except

  work.

  Waitress

  You must have kept an agency.

  Scarecrow

  Right!

  (Reads)

  “A young German girl would like to give

  Russian lessons to a Swedish deaf mute

  in a refined Italian family.”

  (Reads)

  “A neat and willing girl would like a

  position as a laundress in a family where

  the washing is sent out.”

  (Reads)

  “A refined brunette will give good advice

  in exchange for a happy home.”

  (Reads)

  “An epileptic French dressmaker would

  like employment. Fits guaranteed.”

  (Reads)

  “A tired blonde will teach the rest cure to

  a wealthy aged couple. No objection to

  being adopted.”

  (Reads)

  “An experienced worker would like to

  work an inexperienced young married

  couple.”

  1st Cook

  Don’t know of a few families who want

  girls like these?

  Scarecrow

  I don’t know of any that WANT them, but

  a good many may have to have them.

  1st Cook

  But you can surely place a first class cook

  like me.

  Scarecrow

  What’s your specialty?

  1st Cook

  My pies are something to be

  remembered.

  Scarecrow

  Some pies can never be forgotten. I’ll tell

  you about one.

  THE TRAVELLER AND THE PIE.

  (Scarecrow and girls)

  One day a weary traveller walked down a

  village street,

  Did he? I think he did.

  He thought he stop and ask a lady for a

  bite to eat.

  Did he? I think he did.

  He knocked upon a door and said in

  accents so polite,

  I’m very hungry and I hope you’ll let me

  have a bite,

  Oh, you shall have my pie the young wife

  answered in delight.

  Did she? I think she did.

  Chorus.

  Oh, the weary, hungry traveller,

  The hungry luckless traveller

  He took one little bite and next minute

  took to flight

  Oh, the weary hungry luckless traveller.

  II.

  A travelling man once told his wife he on

  the road must go.

  Did he? I think he did.

  And then he stayed in town and took a

  lady to the show.

  Did he? I think he did.

  He did it out of charity,

  His heart was very kind

  But when the usher showed his seat

  He was surprised to find

  His wife, with another chap,

  Was seated just behind.

  Was she? Oh, joy!

  Chorus.

  Oh, the weary, hungry traveller,

  The hungry luckless traveller,

  She murmered “You’re untrue”

  But he answered “So are you.”

  Oh, the weary hungry luckless traveller.

  (At end of song girls exit)

  Scarecrow

  There! They’ve gone and I’m still shy the

  toll.

  (Tin-man enters R.)

  Find anybody?

  Tin-man

  No. Didn’t find anything but a book.

  (Shows book)

  Scarecrow

  What is the book?

  Tin-man

  “A Happy Home”. In six parts.

  Scarecrow

  Who broke it up?

  Tin-man

  What’s a happy home got to do with a

  flat?

  Tin-man

  The woman who owns this book can find

  out anything she wants to know.

  (Officer enters with Sentry who points to

  both. Officer watches them suspiciously)

  Scarecrow

  I’d hate to be her husband.

  Tin-man

  (Turning leaves)

  For example - Chapter 9 - how to fry

  eggs. Chapter 12, The married woman’
s

  pocket book.

  Scarecrow

  There’s nothing in it. Go on.

  Tin-man

  Chapter 14. How to make ice water last.

  Scarecrow

  That’s easy. Make everything else first.

  Brains.

  Tin-man

  Chapter 20. What to do when Baby

  swallows an alarm clock.

  Scarecrow

  (Takes book)

  I might try to sell it for enough to pay this

  toll.

  (Turns L.)

  Officer

  Who are you?

  Scarecrow

  We are book agents. I have here a book

  that no hungry man should be without.

  Officer

  No hungry man?

  Tin-man

  It has four plates and a canvas back.

  Officer

  I think you’re two of the rebels names in

  that proclamation.

  (Pointing to proclamation)

  Tin-man

  Not at all.

  Officer

  You tell your story with a straight front.

  Scarecrow

  A straight front? Excuse me, my figure is

  all my own.

  Officer

  I’ll arrest you both on suspicion.

  (To Soldiers)

  Take them in.

  (Soldiers step to each side of Scarecrow

  and Tin-man)

  Tin-man

  This is all a mistake.

  Officer

  To the cage with them.

  (Scarecrow is marched to steps of cage

  with Tin-man)

  Scarecrow

  (Struggling)

  Get me a handwriting expert; he can

  prove by my signature that I’m somebody

  else, and that I died last year.

  (They are put into cage or guardhouse.

  Sentry and soliders exit C. Officer

  remains.)

  Tin-man

  I say, this is wrong. We are not poll

  parrots.

  Scarecrow

  If I was a swearing man I’d say, “Dash it

  all; we’re up in the air!”

  Tin-man

  What a glorious chance to study the

  language of the birds and monkeys.

  Officer

  It’s certain we’ve caught two of the rebels.

  The others are not far off. Let no one pass

  that bridge.

  (Jingling of chains as drawbridge is let

  down. Enter Sentry and a file of soldiers,

  escorting The Wizard and Sir Wiley, who

  are dressed as convicts with ball and

  chain at ankles. Pastoria follows them

  dressed in royal purple robes, but with

  plasters across his face and one black

  eye)

  Pastoria

  Halt! Let me enjoy their misery a

  moment longer.

  (To Wizard and Sir Wiley)

  My, but you look good.

  Wizard

  If I wasn’t a stickler for the truth I’d say

  “Ditto.”

  Pastoria

  (To Officer)

  Have any of the other escaped prisoners

  been captured?

  Officer

  (Pointing to cage)

  We’ve got the What-was-it, and the

  What-is-it in the cage.

  Pastoria

  (Going to cage)

  Good! My joy increases.

  Scarecrow

  Isn’t he easily pleased?

  (Pastoria returns to the Wizard)

  Pastoria

  So you’re a wizard, eh? Come, - let me

  show you a trick. How to make the dust

  fly. Ha, ha, ha, give them brooms, men.

  Give them brooms, and let them perform

  the trick.

  (Soldiers bring street brooms for Wizard

  and Sir Wiley Gyle)

  Gyle

  (Throwing down broom)

  I’m no housemaid. I don’t want your

  broom!

  Pastoria

  Pick that up, or I’ll have you flogged.

  Pick it up, Sir Wiley, pick it up! Pick it

  up!

  (Gyle picks up broom reluctantly)

  Wizard

  Of the two evils he chooses the broom.

  Pastoria

  My, my but you look funny. Ha, ha, ha.

  (Enter Tryxie in riding habit)

  Tryxie

  Why so merry, dear Pasty?

  Pastoria

  Look at my new street cleaning gang. Ha,

  ha, ha, Aren’t they a sight for sore eyes?

  Tryxie

  I hate to see that old chap punished.

  Pastoria

  Why?

  Tryxie

  Because he gave me the best laugh of my

  life. It was he Pasty dear, it was he that---

  (Laughs)

  Oh, my, that nailed up the bottom of the

  Wizard’s basket just before you got in it.

  (Sir Wiley laughs.)

  Pastoria

  Bruno take that laughing hyena away. Put

  him to work on the sewer.

  (Soldiers exit across bridge with Sir

  Wiley and the Wizard. They carry the

  brooms on their shoulders)

  Soldier

  Right face - forward - march!

  (Scarecrow and Tin-man wave their

  hands from cage to them as they exit and

  exit Officer)

  Tryxie

  And now, Pasty, my boy.

  Pastoria

  Please cut the word “Pasty” out of your

  vocabulary. Remember if you please, that

  I am a King. His Majesty, Pastoria Rex.

  Tryxie

  (Xing L.)

  That’s all right for laying stones and

  opening expositions. But none of “Your

  Majesty” in mine, Pasty.

  Pastoria

  And don’t you want to be a queen?

  Tryxie

  Pasty, you were one of the sweetest

  motormen I ever knew, but as a King you

  won’t do at all.

  (Xes R.C.)

  Pastoria

  Why not?

  Tryxie

  Your blue blood gives me the blues. For

  my part, I don’t even know who my

  grandfather was, so I’ve nothing to be

  ashamed of.

  Pastoria

  Tryxie, if you desert me now my life will

  be as empty as a Summer resort at

  Christmas.

  Tryxie

  Can’t help it. I’m not crochetting any

  worsted ties for you just now.

  Pastoria

  Won’t you kiss and make up?

  Tryxie

  No.

  Pastoria

  Then don’t kiss, just make up. You do that

  so well.

  Tryxie

  (Stamping her foot)

  Brute!

  Pastoria

  To me, your King? Very well, we part

  here. I’ll go back to my throne, and you

  can go back to your dairy kitchen, once

  more a biscuit shooter - and you might

  have been a queen.

  Tryxie

  That’s nothing. If I had stayed at home I

  might have been head waitress at a lunch

  counter by this time.

  (Exits R.1.)

  Tin-man

  My, but isn’t she sassy! I’ll bet she’s a

  regular Must You.

  2nd Waitress

  For Goodness sake, what’s a Must you?

  Tin-man

  I’m afraid to tell you, you might get the

  habit.

  2nd Waitress

  We’ll try
not to.

  Tin-man

  Well here’s a yarn about one.

  MUST YOU?

  Tin-man AND GIRL -

  (Exit Girls)

  (Enter Dashemoff and Dorothy R.2.)

  Dash.

  Here we are at last. See, there’s the

  drawbridge. This is the frontier of

  Pastoria’s dominion. Once over that

  bridge and we’ll be free from him, and in

  another day we’ll be safe in the land of

  Galinda, the Good.

  Dorothy

  See, a big reward is offered for our

  capture. Pastoria is doing his best to get

  us again.

  Dash.

  They’ve caught Oz and Wiley Gyle and

  they’re working on the street-cleaning

  chain gang. But come on, it’s dangerous

  to linger.

  Dorothy

  I wish we could find our old friends the

  Scarecrow and the Tin-man and take

  them with us.

  Scarecrow

  (At window in cage)

  Hi there somebody. I can’t sleep in this

  room. The mice are stealing my filling.

  Dash.

  The Scarecrow!

  Dorothy

  (Below window)

  What are you doing in there?

  Tin-man

  You can’t do anything in here but time.

  Dash.

  (To Dor.)

  And the Tin-man! Here’s a fix.

  Dorothy

  We can’t go away and leave them in

  prison.

  Scarecrow

  I’d like to put myself out to help you.

  Dash.

  Don’t worry. We’ll stand by you.

  Dor.

  How were you taken?

  Scarecrow

  After being well shaken.

  Dor.

  I’m awfully sorry. If we can’t get you out

  we’ll stay here and go back to Oz with

  you.

  Tin-man

  Ah, Dottie that touches my heart. If Sir

  Daily hadn’t spoken first I’d fall dead in

  love with you.

  Dash.

  If we’re to attempt a rescue let’s get at it.

  Tin-man

  We can set the Scarecrow free to begin

  with.

  Scarecrow

  But, you ---

  Tin-man

  Oh, never mind about me. Dottie, if you

  have a pair of scissors with you send ‘em

  up on the elevator.

  Dor.

  (Looking in reticule)

  Scissors? Yes, here they are.

  Tin-man

  Here’s a paper of pins, and a needle and

  thread.

  (Drops them from window)

  Dor.

  What have these to do with setting the

  Scarecrow free?

  Tin-man

  I’m going to cut him to pieces and pass

  him through these bars.

  Dor.

  Can he stand it?

  Scarecrow

  Wouldn’t think any more of it than a cold

  in my head. He can drop my pieces out of

  the window - you hide them in that wash

  basket and carry ‘em off and pin ‘em

  together again.

  Dor.

  But won’t that be seriously fatal?

  Scarecrow

  Not unless you lose some of me.

  Tin-man

  He ought to be done over like a mattress

 

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