by Sarah Tork
“Wait up, hot mama!” Jenna laughed, double stepping and catching up to me in an instant. She linked her arm through mine. “Hey, we need to stick together. We don’t know what’s waiting for us in there.”
I groaned. “Don’t remind me.”
“It’s not like we have a choice Anna. We went ‘there’ yesterday. We need to be on the lookout incase those jerk offs get in your face again. Especially Donna.” Jenna panted.
“I think she’s more interested in beating you up for calling her a skank in front of everyone.” I reminded her as we crossed onto the patio.
Jenna snorted. “Pulease, I’m not scared of her. She can’t do anything to me. I have friends too, lots of them. Hello, swim team members for life.”
“Not Latisha.” I reminded her again, grabbing onto her backpack strap as she led the way through the crowded patio.
“Screw Latisha, she wouldn’t know loyalty if it hit her on the head and said ‘Hi, loyalty here’.” Jenna sneered. She pulled the front door open and faced me. “This is it.”
“I don’t know if I can do this,” I stammered all of sudden, staring at the front patio with horror in my eyes, slowly backing away from the entrance. Jenna grabbed my arm, stopping me from backing away any farther.
Five percent better.
“Oh no you don’t. We made our bed, now we have to lie in it. We’re warriors, and we ain’t scared of nobody!” She claimed, holding out a fist. “We’re warriors Anna. Mean, hardcore, we take no prisoners, warriors. I laugh in the face of the fools that would dare confront us today.”
I lowered her fist back down and shook my head at her. “You need to stop watching those medieval shows on HBO. They’re not reality.” I pointed to the entrance. “This is.”
She eyed me as if I were being stupid again, and then shook her head. “With that attitude Anna, there’s no way you’d survive in the army.” She hissed.
I jerked my chin back in confusion. “The army?”
“Be a man!” She exclaimed all of a sudden. “Be a man!”
My lips cracked a small smile. “What the hell are you talking about?”
Fifteen percent better.
“Be a man!” She said again. “We have to think like a man, act like a man, so we can tell all those jerk offs out there, that no! They can’t play us!”
I inhaled and nodded. “Think like a man…so they can’t play us.”
“That’s right!” She grabbed my arm and pulled me back towards the entrance. “Now let’s do this!”
My eyes widened and I dug my shoes into the ground. “No way, I can’t. I can’t. I’m not a man. I’m a fraud and a gutless girl.”
Jenna’s eyes widened. “What did you say?” She asked, deathly slow.
“I’m gutless.” I said, quietly.
She leaned her head forward. “Do you wanna die today?” She asked quietly.
I shook my head. “No.” I whispered, unsure where she was going with that line of questioning.
“Then snap out of it!” She exclaimed loudly, scowling at me. “Be a man!”
“A man!” I repeated, slightly stuttering. She nodded sharply and pushed me forward.
“Grab my bag strap.” Jenna ordered. I grabbed her strap and she plowed her way back to the door.
But then another worry crashed into me. I stalled again, halting her from entering inside. I worriedly scanned the crowded patio to see if anyone was staring at me. I’d completely forgotten that yesterday’s little hallway fight was witnessed by everyone. I’d made a fool of myself yesterday. Everyone probably thought I was a hysterical mess now. And those who’d missed it, well, they probably already knew via text message. “I don’t know if I can do this!”
Two percent better.
She groaned loudly and stepped back onto the patio, letting the door close behind her. “You can do this!”
“But yesterday, everyone saw.” I panted, which had nothing to do with trekking up the stairs. I was so nervous, my heart was beating out of my chest.
Jenna shook her head, seeming exasperated. “So what, there’s a hundred fights a week here.”
My jaw dropped. “Really?”
Jenna nodded. “Yeah. Last week there was a huge fight with Roy and Dana, right beside my locker. It was way worse than what happened yesterday. Then the next day, everyone forgot all about it because Sarah and Denise from History got into it over some guy. Girls these days, fighting over a stupid guy, he was probably two timing them with each other. Now that’s ridiculous!”
“Really?” I stammered, shell shocked that all that had happened, and I didn’t even know about it.
“Yeah.” Jenna said. “Our fight is probably old news by now.”
Twenty percent better.
I exhaled and inhaled deeply. “Okay,” I nodded, timidly to her. “I can do this.”
I grabbed her bag strap and she guided us through the threshold.
“Correction, we can do this.” Jenna corrected, stopping once we got inside. She grabbed my shoulders and shook them, eying me sternly. “You, stay strong.”
“Got it.” I nodded.
“Don’t cave, don’t cry, and most of all, don’t fall for any of his tricks if he stupidly decides to go there with you today. Please!”
I nodded. “I got it, don’t worry. I’ll be strong, I mean, I’m going to do my best to be strong.”
She squeezed my arm. “You can do this. You’re a man!” She said.
“I’m a man.” I repeated, breathing sharply.
She kept going. “You won’t let anyone crush you.”
“I won’t let anyone crush me.” I repeated, gulping.
“Especially douchebag James and slutty slut Donna.” She continued.
“Especially douchebag James and slutty slut Donna.” I repeated.
She held a fist out. “Fight”
“Fight!” I said back.
“Text me if there’s a problem, I’ll have my phone next to me just in case. I’m a hallway away, girl!” She laughed, slowly backing away and turning into her hallway.
“I can do this.” I chanted to myself and slowly turned into my hallway, quickly eyeing it for the popular crew. The hallway was on the cusp of overcrowding, so thankfully, none of them had arrived yet.
Thank God!
Twenty five percent better.
I headed to my locker quickly and exchanged notebooks, and then headed to English where the classroom was half filled. I chose the same seat as yesterday, in the middle.
He would probably end up sitting in the back. Which was fine by me, the farther, the better.
Twenty six and half percent better.
I opened my notebook as more students trailed inside, each one making me more nervous than the last, all in anticipation to ‘him’ arriving.
All of sudden the image of him walking in had my heart beating at an unprecedented rate. Then I realized something horrific, I’d have to spend an entire hour in the same room as him, worrying that I’d concede as soon as I’d make eye contact with his penetrating stare. He had power over me and he knew it. He knew how I felt about him, how strong it was considering all the other times I’d easily forgiven him.
I was crazy about him. And I hated myself for it.
And at that thought, every word Jenna said to me washed right out the window.
Ten percent better.
I couldn’t do it.
I just couldn’t. I needed to get out of here now, before it was too late and we’d bump into each other. I wasn’t strong enough to face him, or to look him his beautiful green eyes and not give in. I needed time to put myself back together.
Five percent better.
I quickly stuffed my notebook into my bag and rushed to the exit. I slowed down through the threshold and scoured the hallway for the popular crew, not wanting another repeat of yesterday. Thankfully, because there was still quite a bit of time left before class started, they still weren’t in the hallway yet.
Thank God!
/> Ten percent better.
I threw myself into the crowded hallway and headed in the opposite direction they’d all be arriving from. I was going to take the back exit out. No one came through that one, unless they were coming from the fields.
I exited the building and leaned against the brick wall, exhaling a monstrous breath.
Five percent better.
I couldn’t look him in the eye. I couldn’t do it.
I was a failure.
One percent better.
*~*~*
Thunder struck loudly.
“Dean, I need to tell you something.” My voice trembled into the receiver.
Class started fifteen minutes ago and I was still outside talking myself out of going in and facing James like a strong warrior would have.
I wasn’t a warrior. Clearly!
I wasn’t that much of a coward either and there was someone who needed to know the truth, even if it would bite me in the ass.
He deserved to know the truth.
About everything.
Thankfully Pleasant View High’s first period started thirty minutes after ours did, so I’d caught him before his first class started.
“Oh no, why don’t I like the sound of that?” He asked, sounding suspicious from the other end.
I held my phone tightly against my ear, gulping back my nerves. “My senior year so far, it’s been a bit messy.”
“Messy….like guy messy?” He asked, quietly.
“Yeah,” I breathed.
“A guy that’s not me?” He asked slowly.
This was it.
I gulped and continued. “No, not you.” I whispered, covering my eyes with my arm.
“Do I know him?”
“Unfortunately.” I replied pathetically.
“Is it that asshole, James?” Dean probed, anger rising in his tone.
I waited a few seconds before replying. “Yeah, I met him last summer working at the country club.”
“Was he, or is he your boyfriend?” Dean asked, breathing hard.
“No, it wasn’t like that. He just played with me.” I replied, feeling ashamed.
“Like you played with me?” Dean growled all of sudden.
I dropped my arm and grimaced to the wall I’d been facing. “I didn’t.” I protested, shaking my head at his words.
No! I didn’t play with him like that.
“You went out with me while you were with him?” Dean pushed.
My heart pounded crazily. “No I didn’t, I wasn’t with him?” I assured.
“So what, you were off and on with him?” Dean spat back bitterly.
“Yes, but,” I started to defend myself but was interrupted by his eruption.
“And you didn’t feel like you needed to share that piece of information?” Dean snapped.
“I’m sorry.” I cried, feeling my eyes water and my vision sway.
“You’re just as bad as he is.” Dean said through his teeth. “You’re the same. He played with your feelings, and you played with mine.”
Dial tone.
My phone dropped from my hand, hitting the ground with a light thud. I shook my head, staring up at the angry sky, wondering what had just happened.
I breathed in and out, following the rhythm of my palpitating heartbeat. A fresh set of tears slid down my face. I didn’t wipe them away.
I guess I deserved that.
‘You’re just as bad as he is.’
His words had cut me hard.
I was just as bad as James.
I did to Dean, sort of, what James had done to me. Strung him along, undecided on which route I’d wanted to take our relationship on, all because I had one foot somewhere else.
Selfishly, just like James was being with me.
I was just as bad as him, if not worse considering I knew how bad it felt to be stringed along without a clear answer. I was much worse. I was a disgusting hypocrite who had no right to feel scorned.
I had done it to Dean.
I was a fraud.
Thunder struck again and the first drop of rain smashed into my face, joining my tears. I grabbed my phone off the ground and texted Dean.
Annabelle: I’m so sorry.
I waited, hoping for a response.
After a while, there was still nothing and I was soaked from head to toe.
Zero percent better.
CHAPTER 34
WHAT MY HEART WANTS
‘You’re just as bad as he is.’
Wow.
Congratulations Annabelle, you finally hit a new low in your life. You emotionally abused a poor underserving guy who’d been nothing but nice to you. A more self-involved, selfish person couldn’t have done it any better. If there was an asshole society out there, they would have been proud.
Maybe they would have even given YOU a standing ovation.
Bravo, you’re an asshole!
So yeah, that’s how I felt at the moment.
I didn’t know how I was going to go to my next class soaking wet, so I hid in the bathroom for the remainder of English. I tried to dry myself as best as I could, but the school dryers weren’t strong enough, especially where my jeans were concerned.
They had dripped everywhere and after twenty five minutes underneath the dryer, my jeans were still wet. Second period was about to start and I was standing in just my underwear. Thank God the black shiny tank top I was wearing was long enough that it went past my hips, looking like a really – really short tank dress. If I had the confidence, I would have walked out as is.
But I didn’t, and since drying my jeans didn’t seem to be working, I was all out of options.
Well, except for one.
Jenna.
She said she’d have her phone beside her just in case anything happened.
I pulled out my phone, checking first to see if there were any texts from Dean. The screen was blank. I exhaled my disappointment and texted Jenna.
Annabelle: Do you have any spare clothes on you?
My phone beeped a few seconds later and I sighed in relief.
Jenna: I have a pair of track pants in my locker, why?
She had pants!
I was good with pants.
Ten percent better.
But would they fit me?
I cringed as I imagined yanking her much smaller sized pants on. It wasn’t pretty sight.
Eight percent better.
Annabelle: My jeans are wet. Do you think your pants will fit me?
Jenna: I’m sure they will, they’re big on me. Don’t take offense to that! They’re the baggy kind. Where are you now? Are you in class?
Annabelle: None taken. I’m in the washroom next to my locker.
Jenna: I’ll be there in five minutes!
A few minutes later as I was trying to dry my tank with it still on, my heart stopped as the washroom door popped open and Jenna walked through with the black track pants in hand.
“What happened?” She asked, wide eyed as she took in the state of me, especially my bare legs. “You’re not wearing any pants!”
“I went outside for a few seconds to get some air and it suddenly started to rain.” I lied to her, pulling at the hem.
She narrowed her eyes back at me. “Really?”
“No.” I sighed and glanced down.
She grabbed my shoulder and squeezed it. “What happened?”
“I couldn’t.” I croaked.
“Couldn’t handle seeing him again?” Jenna murmured.
I nodded and glanced up. “Yeah.”
She sighed. “So you went outside and waited there while it rained over you?”
“Sort of.” I answered, timidly.
She narrowed her eyes again. “What do you mean?”
I exhaled. “I made a phone call.”
“To who?” She asked.
“To Dean.” I gulped. “I told him everything.”
Jenna’s eyes widened, her fingers clenching her sweatpants tighter. “What do you mean you tol
d Dean everything?”
“I told him.” I confessed, eyeing the pants, hoping they wouldn’t tear from the force of her sudden strength.
“You told him?” She whispered, sounding stunned.
“I did the same thing Jenna.” I whimpered quietly, focusing on the floor again. “I did the same thing James did to me, to Dean.”
“No you didn’t.” Jenna exclaimed, bumping her shoulder into mine. “You never promised Dean anything. You guys didn’t even kiss. You just went on two dates with the guy.”
“I know, but still, I stringed him along knowing where my heart was.” I muttered, lifelessly. “He hung up on me.”
“Stop saying that, you didn’t. There were no promises made between the two of you.” Jenna exclaimed. “And he got mad at you and hung up?”
“Yeah.” I grumbled, tilting my head down in shame.
“That douchebag!” Jenna hissed. “And to think I thought he was one of the good ones!”
I looked at her. “He is one of the good ones. He’s a really nice guy and I took advantage of that. He hates being called nice, I bet that’s what stung most of all for him. He probably thought I didn’t see him like a worthy man or something.”
“He’ll get over it.” Jenna said.
“I don’t know.” I muttered, inhaling and exhaling sharply.
“Give him time. He really liked you, so it’ll probably be awhile before he’s not pissed at you for breaking his heart.” Jenna said.
“Oh God.” I cringed, covering my face.
“Shattering his heart into tiny pieces,” Jenna continued.
“Stop, please.” I begged through my fingers.
“Squashing any hope he’d have of being with you,” Jenna kept going.
“Ugh!” I moaned.
“In probably the worst phone call he’s ever had in his life. He’ll never answer another phone call, happy and carefree ever again.” Jenna finished. “You are cruel Annabelle Simms.”
I sighed, she got me there. “You got that right.”