by Sarah Tork
“I was kidding.” Jenna said.
“Yeah. Well I’m not.” I told her, dropping my hands. “I am cruel.”
“Okay,” Jenna rolled her eyes. “Drama much!”
I eyed her. “I’m being serious.”
Jenna snorted. “You’re being a dramatic princess. Jesus Christ, this morning’s pity session, and now…..that’s a lot. Remember what we talked about this morning, before entering school?”
“I’m doing my best.” I told her, feeling harassed.
“Be a man!” Jenna hissed lowly.
“Yeah, a man.” I muttered, lifelessly.
“Whatever. I’ve got to get back to class soon” Jenna rolled her eyes. “Go change, next period is going to start soon.”
I nodded and went inside a stall. I hung her pants on the hook and slid off my slightly wet shoes. Taking a deep breath, I held her black sweats open and inserted both my legs, praying to the skinny Gods that they’d fit me. If they didn’t fit I’d have to call mom to bring me some clothes and I didn’t want to have to do that. She’d probably have a hundred questions why I needed a change of clothes and I didn’t feel like dealing with that level of questioning.
Not today.
I slowly yanked her pants up and surprisingly, amazingly, astonishingly, they had fit. My jaw dropped, shocked that my waistline didn’t feel squeezed.
There was still room!
Call the press….There was still ROOM!
“Well?” Jenna asked, impatiently from behind the stall door. “Do they fit?”
“Yeah!” I stuttered breathily. “What size are they?”
“They’re a small.”
OMG!
Forty percent better.
*~*~*
My next two classes had a few of the popular crew in them, but I’d avoided eye contact with them as if it were the plague. Thank God my school was big, the odds of being in a class with more than two of them were low.
Hurray for overcrowded schools.
But now I was faced with another monumental dilemma.
It was lunch time.
This was it.
Really…..this was it.
We would all be in one room together since yesterday’s fight.
“It’s going to be fine.” Jenna assured on our way to the cafeteria. “They can’t do crap to you, and if they do, the brotherhood will protect you.”
“The brotherhood?” I looked at her in confusion, shuffling around students.
“Hello, Swim team members for life!” Jenna exclaimed, rolling her eyes. “The brotherhood!”
I jerked my head back in confusion. “But I’m not a member?”
Jenna grinned, nudging my shoulder with hers. “But I am, and you’re my best friend, therefor, you are an honorary member.”
“Latisha won’t have my back.” I reminded her.
Jenna snorted. “She won’t have theirs either, not unless she wants to get into big trouble with the team. She’ll probably just play neutral.”
“I hope so,” I muttered. We arrived at the cafeteria doors and Jenna faced me.
“It’s going to be okay, really, it is.” She assured quietly, and I nodded, despite the fact that I was still unsure. I didn’t need the ‘everything was going to be okay’ talk drilled into my head any more than it already was.
My heart pounded like a jackhammer as we entered a half filled cafeteria, quickly finding a few Swim team members at a table in the far corner. I scoured the room and sighed in relief when I saw none of them inside. But I knew it was only a matter of time before they showed up, claiming the room as their own.
Jenna took a seat and I dumped my backpack after taking out my wallet and phone. “I’m going to get a salad.”
“Hurry, before they come.” Jenna warned before I headed off towards the restaurant. I got in line and it quickly filled behind me, wrapping halfway around the room. On a normal day, I would have been happy with the spot I got in line, but not today. The line was moving slow. The worst part was, the line was far away from Jenna’s table, and she couldn’t see me at this angle even if she’d wanted too.
I was all on my own for now.
This wasn’t good.
From this morning’s catastrophe to the moment before me, the whole situation was becoming more and more ridiculous. How many things would I have to deal with today before I officially lost it? And while we were at it, why couldn’t James just apologize to me like a normal person would have?
The memories of the times we’d spent together resurfaced, followed by an aching in my heart. As the line progressed slowly, I found myself drifting into a daydream about an alternate universe where James actually begged for my forgiveness.
“Talk to me baby, please.” James pleaded quietly, lightly holding my arm.
“I don’t care.” I grimaced at him, trying to show how much pain I was in.
“Look me in the eye and tell me you don’t care.” James took a step closer into my space.
“Let go of my arm,” I muttered, trying to yank it back, but his grasp became tighter.
“Look me in the eye and tell me you don’t care.” James pleaded.
“Why are you touching me?” I’d whispered, staring deep into his eyes even though it’d pained me to. “You said so many horrible things to me yesterday.”
“I didn’t mean it,” He murmured. “I couldn’t think straight I was so angry.”
“I don’t care.” My lips rippled as I held my tears.
“Well, I care about you.” James stated quietly, his green eyes appearing sad.
“Stop it.” I whispered after my eyes closed from the pain of his expression.
“I care so much about you. I’ve been losing it since yesterday.” James murmured. “You hurt me.”
My eyes popped open. “I hurt you?”
He lets go of my arm only to caress the side of my face with it instead. I should have yanked my head back, but I didn’t.
“I fucking care about you so much,” James whispered. “I care about you baby, you’re all I think about.”
“Really?” I whimpered.
“Baby, you hurt me so bad.” James whispered. “I was ready. I was going to tell the whole school that you were my girl.”
“You hurt me on Friday when you didn’t show up.” I reminded him. “I’ve been a nervous wreck since Friday. Why do I have to feel like this?”
“I’m sorry,” James said. “I wasn’t thinking on Friday, I shouldn’t have gone.”
I took a step closer to him and caressed the side of his face, looking deep into his beautiful green eyes. “I wanted more than anything to know what it felt like to say ‘I love you’ to you, but you just keep ruining things between us.”
“Why does everything have to be about what you want?” I whispered, tears spilling from my eyes. “Stop mind fucking me.”
“I’m never letting you go.” James stated fiercely, pulling me into his embrace. I wiped my tears against his shirt. “We just need some time together.”
“Awe, will you look at that, she saved me a spot!” A familiar voice bragged loudly, snapping me out of my daydream.
And it’s begun.
Fifteen percent better.
Let the battle commence.
Mustering every ounce of courage I had, I looked up to a pair of mesmerizingly beautiful, yet amused green eyes and a row of backward baseball caps.
Royalty had arrived.
Unfortunately.
“Where were you during English, Fireball?” James snickered, eyeing his boys like he was so funny. They glanced back at him with similar amusement in their eyes.
Why was he talking to me like this?
It’s like I was nothing to him…..
James and his boys burst out laughing.
Judging by the condescending way he was looking at me, he really didn’t care anymore.
“Don’t talk to me.” I glowered at him, shaking my head in disbelief. He wasn’t the guy I fell for. I mean, I would
have never fallen for a guy like that, at least I hoped I wouldn’t have.
“Don’t be like that, Fireball.” James sniggered, eyeing his boys like he was so hilarious. I couldn’t believe he’d used my nickname twice just so he could scar me in front of his friends. How could I have imagined such a STUPID DAY DREAM?
Why would I want that?
Why would I ever FUCKING want that?
I HATED HIM!
“Leave me alone.” I whispered, stoically.
“Awe James, looks like you broke her heart!” One of his stupider boys announced, laughing even louder. After a few seconds, they stopped laughing and the amusement left James’s eyes. I glanced from left to right, my fellow classmates had stopped talking and were viewing this little ‘reunion’ with all their attention. Thankfully the line moved and I entered the restaurant, leaving the asshole crew behind.
Thank God they didn’t follow me inside. Then again, they couldn’t cut that long of a line, it would have outraged everyone waiting behind me. My hand trembled as it slid open the refrigerator. I grabbed a salad, then a water bottle. As I shut the door close, I felt a hard body bump next to me. Looks like I was wrong again, because they did follow me inside. Or rather, he did.
Oh God!
I shut my eyes and sighed in exhaustion. I felt his warm coarse fingertips on my shoulder, pulling me to turn.
“Why are you doing this?” He growled, quietly.
“Stop following me.” I hissed, not bothering to look at him for very obvious reasons. My heart was beating so fast, I was on the verge of collapsing. I took a breath, hoping it would help straighten my face from looking pained or an insult away from a hysterical breakdown. Holding every facial muscle I had, I faced him.
The next thing I saw ruined some of the hate I had inside of me, which sucked. I needed ‘hate’ power if I was going to stand my ground against him, especially now that we were kind of alone.
Looking as beautiful as ever in his semi-tight black shirt, that made every muscle in his broad chest standout, he stood with his arms crossed, glowering at me. I nearly gasped when I saw how close his body was to mine, we were practically rubbing elbows. My heart went into overdrive and immediately more of that hate dissipated as I stared deep into his eyes. All I wanted to do right at that moment was hurl myself into him and let him hold me tightly, never letting me go.
Sigh….be strong.
“Please….leave me alone.” I whispered to him, making his eyes widen. “Just leave me alone. I swear from here on out we’ll never have to talk to each other again. You can go do your thing, and I’ll go do mine.”
He shook his head slowly, looking disgusted.
“You started it yesterday.” He growled through his teeth. “Making me look like a fucking dick in front of the entire school. You got what you wanted.”
My heart felt as if it stopped beating. I blinked at him. Yesterday’s disastrous hallway fight wasn’t how I wanted things to go, but I was left with no choice, with the way he’d treated me.
Especially after last Thursday.
I gave you everything and you burned me with it! I told him silently.
“I want you to leave me alone.” I told him once more, using whatever strength I had left to hold myself from crying.
I really, really, really, really wanted to cry.
I wanted to collapse to the ground and yell at the top of my lungs at him, asking him why he’d treated me so horribly when he supposedly cared. I was supposed to be someone he cared about.
A lot.
“You don’t have to worry about that, ever again. I’m never going to look at you after this. You were a waste of time.” He growled quietly, grabbing a chocolate milk carton and paying for it before bursting through the exit, without another glance at me.
I should have been relieved.
I should have been happy that I didn’t need to worry about James anymore, and that I was no longer going to be a beep on his radar.
He was going to ignore me from now on.
Fine…..it was going to be better like that.
Really….honest….sigh….damn it…...
I.
Have.
Problems!
A tear escaped my eyes. I wiped it away and paid for my food. Before heading out, I lightly slapped my face, hoping to snap the pained expression away before returning to Jenna. She’d notice anyways, considering she was on high alert when it came to my mood swings.
My eyes were probably red.
She wasn’t going to be happy when I explained what had just happened. I eyed my fellow classmates as they shuffled around me so they could exit. They all saw what happened. Everyone outside probably already knew.
Which meant, Jenna probably already knew.
I didn’t want another fight. I had no energy for it. Stalling, I moved out of the way to let others exit. I pulled out my phone, checking to see if there were any texts from Dean.
Nothing.
I needed him to hear me out, so I could explain how I never meant to hurt him.
I felt like such a hypocrite. I never wanted to speak to James again and here I was hoping Dean would give me the time of day so I could explain the mess I caused.
The mess I caused…..
All of a sudden, the feeling to flee became overwhelming. I didn’t want be at school for another minute. I needed one of those mental health days….maybe even a few before I could be a hundred percent again.
I made up my mind, I was going home, to my room and to my bed, where I wouldn’t leave until I absolutely had to.
I headed out the restaurant, focusing on the floor as I made my way back to Jenna’s table. As soon as I got to the table, I unzipped my bag and slipped in my food to eat at home. I glanced up to a puzzled Jenna. “I’m going home,” I whispered to her.
She blinked repeatedly and jerked her head back in shock. “Why?” She whispered.
She didn’t hear about what happened? I thought it would have been top news already. Well, if she didn’t know, I certainly didn’t want to have to explain it to her in front of everyone. I’d call her later, behind the shield of my blanket.
“I just wanna go home,” I pulled my backpack on. “I’ll call you later and tell you about it.”
Jenna looked past my shoulders. “Was it the douchebag again?”
“How could you tell?” I muttered, exhaling.
“Because….that asshole is looking this way, laughing it up with his idiot friends!” Jenna hissed. “God! Can I please give him the finger?”
I shook my head. “Just ignore him.”
“After what he did….I’m making no promises.” She eyed me funnily and snorted. “Do you think you can really ignore him from now?”
I exhaled. “Here’s hoping.”
*~*~*
If I could have given a message to the world at this moment, I would have told every single teenage girl in the world to forget about boys till university, or maybe until after they finished school altogether. If they fell for someone at work and things turned badly, they could always quit. You couldn’t quit school, not without ruining your life.
Not graduating because of a stupid idiot boy…..it was so depressingly tragic…..and I swear to God I was only a few horrible moments away from that.
I’ll take mind fuck for a million, Alex.
Why such an outrageous bet?
Because, it wouldn’t be the first time I’ve gone all in and lost.
Again, again, again, again…..again.
My door knocked, barely breaking my trance. “Annabelle?” Mom called from the other side. She slowly opened the door and came inside. “What are you doing home so early?”
“I’m not feeling good.” I muttered, eyeing her slowly as she took a seat on my bed next to me.
“Why?” Mom asked, sounding concerned.
“I’m sad.” I sighed.
“Is it because of this morning?” Mom grimaced, sounding panicky. “Did I go psycho mom again on you? I’m
sorry, I did it again. Jesus, there really is something wrong with me.”
“Chill mom, it’s all good.” I murmured to her, feeling numb to her outburst. “Just do me a favor and give me some space right now. I could use the privacy.”
“Oh, okay.” Mom got up and quickly closed the door behind her, giving me my silence back. I needed this time to myself. It was just me and the music now.
“Thanks for joining us for our late lunch slow jam. Our next song is dedicated to all those heartbroken. It’s ‘I’m not in love’ by 10cc, right here, on Light 107 fm.” The radio hummed beside me as I layed on my bed, transfixed with my ceiling as another fantasy consumed me.
“Take my shirt off.” I whispered to him as he kissed my neck for the first time since last Thursday. “Take everything off.”
James, without answering, did as he was told. Then he unclothed himself and layed naked on top of me, staring deep into my eyes. “I love you baby.” He whispered.
I stopped breathing, but resumed to answer him back even though I shouldn’t have. “I love you too.”
He grinded against me, his green eyes looking sad. “I’m sorry,” He whispered. “I’m fucked up.”
“Just make love to me.” I whispered back, wiping his wet, red rimmed eyes.
“I don’t have anyone in my life like you,” He grinded again, sounding distraught. “I don’t have anyone. I’m always alone. I didn’t know how to deal with how I felt. I fucked it up.”
“Make love to me James.” I whispered again and he quickly slid on a condom and entered me, going in and out, making my head tilt back and the rim of my eye water from pure delight. “Baby,”
“I’m going to make it up to you, I swear.” James promised, pumping faster. “I’ll do anything to make things right with you baby. I won’t let anyone stand in my way.”
“Just don’t stop what you’re doing. We’ll talk about that other stuff after.” I ordered him softly, pulling him in for an epic kiss.
Snap out of it!
NOW!
A smart person wouldn’t be day dreaming these scenarios.
But that’s just the thing…..I wasn’t a smart person. A smart person would have gotten off the James train a long, long, long, time ago.