How to Dork Your Diary

by Rachel Renée Russell

  “Um, I guess sh-she doesn’t have my d-diary after all,” I muttered.

  I felt so embarrassed. I wanted to grab the office wastebasket and wear it to cover up the word “IDIOT” that had just been stamped on my forehead.

  Chloe, Zoey, and I traded nervous glances.

  “Well, Miss Maxwell, I think you owe Miss Hollister an apology,” Winston said as MacKenzie smiled like a little angel who had just earned her wings.

  I was so angry I wanted to … SPIT!

  It took every ounce of my willpower not to slap that SMUG little SMIRK right off her face!!

  I stared down at my feet and tried to swallow the large lump in my throat.

  “Um, I—I’m sorry!” I mumbled.

  “Huh? What did she say? I couldn’t hear her!” MacKenzie whined like a spoiled brat.

  “I said, ‘I’m SORRY’!”

  “Now, Miss Maxwell, I hope you’ll think twice before you wrongly accuse someone like this again. Do you understand, young lady?”

  I hung my head. “Yes, sir.…”

  Winston glanced at his watch. “Well, girls, I have a conference call in exactly two minutes. I’m glad we were able to resolve this issue to everyone’s satisfaction.”

  Then he strode into his office and closed the door.

  As Chloe and Zoey walked me back to my locker, my head was spinning. “I feel SO stupid! I’m sorry I dragged you guys into this,” I muttered.

  “Hey, don’t worry about it,” Zoey said. “We thought MacKenzie had your diary too.”

  “You have to admit, she WAS acting pretty suspicious,” Chloe agreed. “But don’t worry, Nikki. I’m sure your diary will turn up when we least expect it.”

  In spite of everything that had just happened, I still had this nagging feeling in my gut that MacKenzie was not as innocent as she was pretending to be.

  And now if my diary ends up plastered all over the bathroom stalls, Principal Winston will NOT even consider her a suspect.

  MacKenzie is going to get away with ruining my life, and there is nothing I can do to stop her.

  I really hate to admit it, but she totally set me up. AGAIN!! !!

  NOTE TO SELF

  It’s helpful to have a good memory when keeping a diary so later you can write about all the stuff that happened to you.

  OMG! I almost DIED when I saw Brandon in the cereal aisle. We stared at each other for what felt like forever. And when we both grabbed the same box of Fruity Pebbles, he actually smiled at me. I came home in a complete DAZE. And now that I remember what happened, I realize …

  … I ACCIDENTALLY LEFT BRIANNA AT THE GROCERY STORE!! AAAHHH!!!

  HOW TO DORK YOUR DIARY TIP #12

  DON’T FORGET TO

  REMEMBER.

  What did you have for breakfast this morning?

  What was the cutest outfit you saw, and who was wearing it?

  What was the last song you listened to?

  What was the funniest thing you heard today, and who said it?

  Did you dream last night? If so, what did you dream about?

  Did you talk to anybody on the phone? What did you talk about?

  What was the smartest thing you said all day?

  LIBRARY, 2:35 P.M.

  I’m SO upset at MacKenzie, I can barely focus on shelving library books.

  I just KNOW she has my diary.

  But after that SUPERembarrassing fiasco with Principal Winston, it was quite obvious that MacKenzie wasn’t stupid enough to hide my diary in her purse and risk getting caught with it.

  But if MacKenzie doesn’t have it,

  WHO DOES ?!!

  I’m SO thoroughly confused! I feel like I am drowning in a tidal wave of hopelessness.

  Just the thought of my diary being passed around and read by everyone like the latest edition of the school newspaper makes me feel sick to my stomach.

  Blinking back tears, I sighed and stared out of the library window. Since our football team has a game tomorrow, they were on the field practicing.

  I wondered how many of them would read my diary and then go out of their way to make my life miserable. Lunchtime is going to be unbearable!

  I was pretty sure Brady, our star quarterback, would be the ringleader. Not only has he been crushing on MacKenzie lately, but she got busted in biology texting him and—

  That’s when it hit me like a ton of bricks!

  “OMG! OMG! CHLOE! ZOEY! I THINK I KNOW WHO HAS MY DIARY …!!!”

  IN THE HALL OUTSIDE THE

  BOYS’ LOCKER ROOM, 2:45 P.M.

  NO WAY! I COULDN’T possibly do this!

  WHY?! Because someone could end up DEAD, that’s why.

  Namely … ME !!

  Chloe and Zoey came up with their CRAZIEST scheme yet. And I knew for sure that:

  1. Their plan would NEVER work.

  2. We were going to get caught.

  3. We were going to get suspended from school.

  Then my parents are going to

  KILL ME !!

  And if I’m DEAD, I’ll probably NEVER, EVER find my diary!

  The three of us had bathroom passes, so we were SUPPOSED to be in the girls’ bathroom.

  But NOOOOOOO!!!

  We were slinking around outside the boys’ locker room. Mainly because Chloe, Zoey, and I had all come to the unanimous conclusion that my diary was in there.

  It HAD to be!

  We think MacKenzie gave it to Brady and they were texting each other about it.

  Since the football players are now on the field practicing, Brady’s duffel bag was somewhere in the boys’ locker room.

  “All we have to do is simply walk inside, find the locker with Brady’s duffel bag, and grab your diary!” Zoey whispered so loudly, her voice seemed to be echoing through the halls and into every classroom on this side of the building.

  “Are you KA-RAY-ZEE?!!” I hissed back at her. “What if we get caught?!”

  “Don’t worry!” Chloe assured me. “Just ask yourself what the heroine of your favorite novel would do in this situation.”

  “Yeah, right!” I muttered. “So where in the world am I supposed to find a prom dress and a pack of shirtless werewolf boys on a Friday afternoon? I’m just saying!”

  Chloe rolled her eyes at me.

  I really appreciated that Chloe and Zoey were trying to help me find my diary and all. But I have to admit, some days I seriously worry about those two.

  “No one has gone in or come out in the last few minutes,” Chloe whispered. “I don’t think anyone’s in there!”

  “Listen, guys,” I began, “I think we should just go back to the library before we—”

  “OKAY! Let’s make a run for it!!” Zoey said excitedly.

  Before I could say, “What the …!!” Chloe and Zoey rushed the boys’ locker room door and poked their heads inside.

  “OMG! CHLOEEEE!! ZOEEEEY!! NOO!”

  I scream-whispered at the top of my lungs.

  But it was too late. I didn’t have any choice but to go after them.

  ME, ZOEY, AND CHLOE PEEKING INSIDE

  THE BOYS’ LOCKER ROOM!!

  OMG!

  I could NOT BELIEVE I was actually in the boys’ locker room!! It’s a large, square room with lockers along three walls.

  It’s a lot bigger than the girls’ locker room and has an area with a line of those boy-toilet thingies.

  Chloe, Zoey, and I quickly began searching inside each locker, one after another.

  “Hurry!” Zoey yelled over her shoulder. “It’s posted by the door that there’s a swim team meeting in here in ten minutes, so we don’t have much time!”

  I fought the overwhelming urge to panic and run out of there screaming.

  We had just about made our way around the entire room, with no luck. Then, as I was opening the second-to-last locker, I spotted Brady’s name on a duffel bag.

  “That good-for-nothing, meathead crook,” I muttered, sorting through the stuff in his bag.

  I
felt a small book underneath a Spider-Man comic.

  I couldn’t contain my excitement! “Chloe! Zoey! I found it!” I screamed.

  They came rushing over and crowded around me.

  “You have to be a real slimeball to steal a girl’s

  … Cupcakes for Every Occasion cookbook?!” I sputtered. I held the book in front of me in shock and disappointment.

  On the cover were cupcakes decorated like puppies and kittens. I felt their licorice smiles mocking me.

  But there was no time for me to grieve over the fact that my diary was still out there somewhere.

  I heard a man’s booming voice and heavy footsteps coming toward the locker room door. Did I mention that it’s the ONLY locker room door?

  My heart skipped a beat. Chloe and Zoey froze.

  They looked at me, and then in the direction of the approaching man, with sheer terror in their eyes. There was no way we were going to make it out of there alive.

  We stared in horror as a hairy hand pushed the door open halfway … and then froze!

  “… What do you mean we have only two buses for the game tomorrow? I specifically ordered THREE buses! How are we supposed to play with only part of our team?! I might as well just cancel! No, I’m NOT canceling. I said … What? Can I hold? You have another call? No! I can’t hold! I need my buses!! …”

  The guy was having a telephone conversation right there in the doorway. And lucky for us, a VERY long one.

  That’s when I noticed the huge cart of dirty football uniforms and equipment about ten feet away.

  “Chloe! Zoey!” I whispered, and pointed.

  The girls immediately understood my plan. Within seconds the three of us were at that cart.

  We grabbed football jerseys, pants, helmets, and shoes, and we dressed faster than we ever had in our entire lives. And just in time!

  Coach “Rowdy” Rowling’s nostrils flared when he saw us standing there in our football uniforms twiddling our thumbs.

  “What the Sam Hill is this?” he shouted. “Why do I have three players in here hangin’ around like they’re waiting for the city bus? What’s your excuse, Clayton?”

  He pointed at Zoey, who was wearing a jersey that said “Clayton” on the back. She shook so badly her helmet rattled.

  “Answer me! What’s wrong, Clayton? Cat got your tongue?”

  “M-men are not prisoners of fate, but only prisoners of their own minds,” she stuttered. “Franklin D. Roosevelt.”

  Coach Rowling furrowed his brow and stared at Zoey like she had just answered him in Swedish.

  “That don’t even make sense! You think you’re funny? How ’bout y’all doin’ twenty laps around the track and then hittin’ the showers? Now, THAT’S funny!”

  Someone standing outside the locker room door cleared his throat rather loudly. “Excuse me, Coach …”

  Me, Chloe, Zoey, and Coach Rowling turned to see who it was.

  Brandon stood in the doorway with his camera around his neck.

  OMG! I almost FAINTED right there on the spot!

  “I’m here to take your photo for the Coach of the Year article. Did I catch you at a bad time?”

  Coach Rowling stood up straight and regained his composure. “Not at all, son. I was just goin’ over the strategy for our big game tomorrow,” he lied. “These boys will tell you I run a tight ship, which is why we never lose. Nothin’ gets past me. No, sir!” Coach Rowling chuckled and gave me a playful punch on my shoulder.

  “OW!” I whimpered before thinking. “I mean, ‘OWW!’” I said in my deepest boyish voice.

  Brandon stared at me, then Chloe, and then Zoey for what seemed like forever.

  Shaking his head, he blinked in disbelief.

  WE WERE SO BUSTED!

  “Hey, let’s head outside. You can take some pictures of me in action.” Coach Rowling did one of those corny poses like he was running the ball downfield.

  “Actually … would you mind if I steal these guys from practice?” Brandon asked, pointing to Chloe, Zoey, and me. “I, um, want to interview them for the article so readers will know just how, um … awesome you are as a coach.”

  “He’s only the most awesomest coach EVER!” I croaked in my horrible boy voice.

  “He’s the man!” grunted Zoey.

  “Yeah, bro,” added Chloe. “And he lets us do cool guy stuff, like burp. And hit things. And play in the ball pit at Queasy Cheesy and—”

  I gave her a hard kick to zip it. Clearly, the only boy Chloe knows is her little brother, Joey.

  “Right!” Brandon laughed nervously. “So … anyway, Coach, is that cool with you? Once I interview Team Rowling, I can take your photo.”

  “Team Rowling? I like the sound of that. Take as much time as you need. When you’re ready, I’ll be out on the field.”

  Coach Rowling winked and then headed out the door.

  We stood in silence until it shut behind him.

  “Nikki, Chloe, Zoey! WHAT are you doing dressed like football players in the BOYS’ locker room?!” Brandon asked.

  “Actually, I can explain.” I took off my helmet. “We were looking for my diary. We thought MacKenzie might have given it to Brady. So we decided to check his duffel bag.” I hung my head in shame. “But I was wrong. He didn’t have it.”

  “Well, you guys better get out of here! Before Coach remembers those laps and comes looking for you.”

  “Thanks for saving our skins,” Zoey said.

  “No problem. I hope you find your diary, Nikki.”

  Brandon gave me a sincere smile that normally would’ve made me melt like a Popsicle.

  But, given the fact that my life was over, I only mustered a half smile. “Thank you, Brandon. We really appreciate you helping us out of this mess!” I said.

  But in my heart I felt all hope was lost.

  I didn’t want to put my friends or MYSELF through any more drama.

  NOTE TO MY FUTURE SELF:

  Dear Future Self,

  If you’re reading this, I’ve probably been publicly humiliated and banished by MacKenzie to an unknown island in the Pacific.

  Even though I am now a freaky hermit person, please let Brianna know she’s still not allowed to go into my room. I hope things worked out for you and Brandon.

  Love,

  Nikki Maxwell

  P.S. Please burn this diary so no one else can read it.

  NOTE TO SELF

  One of the best parts about a diary is that you can look back at all the silly things you said years, months, weeks, days, and even hours ago. It’s common to read entries from the past.

  But if you think about it, a diary is almost like a time machine to both your past AND your future!

  HOW?

  You can write an entry to your future self, then come back and read it later!

  Weird, huh?

  But VERY COOL!

  HOW TO DORK YOUR DIARY TIP #13

  BE PEN PALS

  WITH YOUR

  FUTURE SELF!

  What would you say to the eighteen-year-old version of yourself? Write a letter to your eighteen-year-old self.

  Dear Eighteen-Year-Old Me,

  Sincerely,

  ________________Year-Old Me

  NOTE TO SELF

  Writing in your diary should be a pleasant experience. Whenever possible, try to write in a quiet place where you won’t be disturbed or distracted.

  HOW TO DORK YOUR DIARY TIP #14

  FIND A COMFY

  SPOT AND CHILLAX

  AS YOU WRITE.

  Where would you choose for your secret diary-writing hideout?

  Draw a picture of yourself writing in your diary in your secret hideout.

  AT HOME, 4:00 P.M.

  WHY, WHY, WHY is my life SO horrendously CRUDDY ?!

  I think my diary is LOST FOREVER.

  Especially since MacKenzie is looking for it too.

  I would have sworn she had it in her purse in the office, but I guess I was wrong.


  I think she was only pretending to have my diary so that I’d give up and stop looking for it. Having me totally out of the picture would’ve greatly improved her chances of actually finding it.

  I know it’s kind of complicated. But MacKenzie makes EVERYTHING complicated.

  I am so NOT looking forward to having the entire school reading all of my personal business.

  But I guess I’ll survive it.

  Just like I’ve managed to survive all the other major disasters in my pathetic little life.

  Thank goodness my BFFs, Chloe and Zoey, have got my back.

  I still can’t believe they were willing to risk going into the boys’ locker room like that, just to help me find my diary.

  They’re the best friends EVER!

  AT HOME, 4:30 P.M.

  Right now I’m a bundle of raw nerves and conflicting emotions.

  I FEEL HAPPY, ANGRY, RELIEVED, AND SUPER-INSECURE ALL AT THE SAME TIME.

  WHY?

  I was in the middle of throwing a massive pity party for myself when Brianna came rushing in from school, screaming at the top of her lungs.

  “Nikki! Nikki! I have very happy news! You’ll never guess what happened in school today!”

  I was drinking a bottle of water, because throwing a pity party is exhausting work and can make you very hot and thirsty.

  ME, TAKING A SHORT BREAK FROM MY PITY PARTY TO DRINK A BOTTLED WATER

  “BRIANNA! YOU TOOK MY DIARY TO SCHOOL FOR SHOW-AND-TELL??!!” I screamed.

  I was so shocked, I didn’t know whether to YELL at her for taking it or THANK her for returning it. But since I no longer had to worry about MacKenzie plastering pages of my diary around the school, it was actually a no-brainer.

  I gave my bratty little sister a humongous bear hug!

  Then I made Brianna pinkie-promise to NEVER, EVER touch my stuff again without asking for permission first. Our little ceremony was such a bonding experience for us as sisters, I almost shed a tear.…