Stronger

by Blue Ashcroft

  “I can’t. I don’t know if I ever will.”

  “Then put that somewhere good. Instead of killing someone, focus on saving someone.”

  I pull back, clarity starting to leak back into my mind. “You mean Amy.”

  He nods. “You can still help Amy. But she’s not going to let you if she thinks it’s going to hurt you. Heck, maybe if we had acted less crazy about it then Camille would have told us. But there’s nothing we can do for her now. Hurting him won’t bring her back.”

  I hold his shoulder, give him a nod to let him know I get it, and that I’m okay. “So what do I do now?”

  “You decide to put it away,” he says. “You decide that Camille will always be a part of you, but that’s all. Not your purpose, not the guiding factor in your life. You decide that the best way to honor her is to be happy.”

  “Fine, but it won’t be easy,” I say.

  He nods again, looking like a fucking bobble head. “And you go over to see Amy and replace that douchebag Josh that’s probably over there with her now, taking the place where you should be.”

  “Damn straight.” I crack my knuckles. “She needs a real man.”

  He laughs. “Yeah, and a real man can see that it’s not all black and white, and that you don’t get an eye for an eye. A real man takes care of what he can, and lets the rest go.”

  “Yeah. I can do it.”

  He squeezes my shoulder once, and turns to go to the back door. “And Geoff?”

  “Yeah?”

  He punches me, right through the face, and pain explodes in my cheek. It’s welcome, and feels like the last step of waking up. “There’s more where that came from if you fuck this up.”

  Then he grins and disappears through the back door, shaking off his hand, a tall, model-esque Dr. Phil. Damn. No wonder I followed him around as a kid.

  I pull my phone out of my pocket. If Knight is right, Amy has Josh over. It makes sense. I already ran off, which was stupid, because if she knows who the perp is, she might be in danger. A chill runs over my shoulders and my muscles tighten as adrenaline begins pumping. I run for the front door.

  She’s mine. And I’m going to grab hold of her and not let go. Her, and the rest of the things I want and deserve from life.

  If she’ll forgive me for being such an ass.

  Chapter 16

  “Thanks for coming,” I say, handing Josh a drink. He sips it and watches me over the top of it with quiet blue eyes.

  “What happened to lover boy? I thought you’d call him, not me.”

  “I just, we had a falling out.”

  “Go figure.”

  “What do you mean?” I set my drink down next to his and fold my hands in my lap. I still feel stirred up, riled up, both by kissing Geoff and by our fight afterwards. By the way he could just walk away from me because I didn’t give him what he wanted. Well, he wasn’t willing to give me what I wanted either. Josh will be a good substitute.

  Josh folds the collar of his polo into a stiffer line. It’s baby blue, like he doesn’t have any other color of shirt. He purses his perfect pink lips and avoids my eyes. “Last time I came to pick you up, I saw you running away from him. You were with a girl, maybe one of your friends, and Geoff was behind, following, looking angry. You rejected him?”

  “No.”

  “A lover’s spat then?”

  “No, and where were you? I didn’t even see you there.”

  “I was parked on the other side. I’d gone in to ask the front desk about your schedule.”

  “You could have just asked me,” I say, reaching for my cup. The living room is awkwardly quiet. My moms are visiting a friend, and I was glad at first that Josh could come over. I didn’t want to be alone tonight. Now I’m wondering if I would have been better off on my own, or calling Rain. Geoff’s right, he’s not a nice guy. He’s a lukewarm guy, nothing good, nothing bad.

  “You got anything to eat around here? I guess since I’m just here to be a temporary bodyguard, I should at least get fed.”

  I swallow back distaste at his entitlement and nod and go to the kitchen. I’m still too numb at what has happened today to be bothered by small things like that. I grab crackers from the cupboard and cheese from the fridge.

  When I come back, Josh sits up quickly, like I’ve caught him doing something. Maybe he was texting another girl and wanted me out of the room so he could do it without feeling guilty. If he would even feel guilty over something like that. I hand him the crackers, and a small smile moves over his smooth, baby face as he watches me take my drink in hand.

  “What?”

  “Nothing.”

  I drink it down, wishing it was alcoholic. Just root beer. I burp quietly and excuse myself. He’s still smiling. “No really, what is it?”

  “It’s just, man, being here, eating with you, makes me remember all those parties we used to have.”

  “Yeah,” I say hiccupping and covering my mouth. “Excuse me.”

  “You really downed your drink.”

  “Yeah,” I say. “You liked my parties?”

  “Who didn’t? They were a great way to…meet people.”

  “Yeah, that was the point,” I say. “But they weren’t always good. I mean, I guess at least one person may have been hurt because of them.”

  “Oh no,” he says. “That’s awful.”

  “Yeah,” I say, not liking that he still looks happy. He looks like a cat that got into the cream. Or is looking at it. I stare down at my cup. Maybe I need another drink.

  “You know, I think I remember Geoff, now that I think about it,” he says.

  “Oh yeah?”

  “Yeah, I knew his sister. He was annoying, she was always asking if he could tag along at club events. I didn’t recognize him when I first met him, but after a while… Unmistakable. Even if they don’t look alike at all. He has those grey eyes.”

  “Yeah.” Really pretty grey eyes. Like magnets that can burn. My head feels woozy. It’s been a long day.

  “How you feeling?”

  “Fine.”

  “When are your parents getting home?”

  “Not for a while.” Okay, so it could be soon, or not soon, but at least I’m not alone while they’re not here. The wall seems like it’s moving, and my head hurts.

  “You know, it’s so funny,” Josh says, with a crazed look in his eye that doesn’t look funny at all. “But that’s twice I’ve wanted Geoff to just go away. Camille was always talking about him. You always talked about him. He’s just such a fucking pain in my ass.”

  My hands feel cold and weird. “What was that?” I can’t really understand much of what he’s saying. Something is definitely off, but I’m going downhill too fast to figure out what it is.

  “I mean, I came back thinking no one would remember some chick I one night stand-ed, and I hear that people think she was raped. I mean honestly…”

  I blink. “You mean Camille?” Fear surges through me, mixed with impotent anger. I look at my cup. “You put something in my drink, didn’t you?”

  “No shit.”

  “Why didn’t Geoff recognize you?”

  “Why would he? I was just another chess club member. Just an after school friend. Not someone she thought was worth introducing to anyone in particular. And not Knight McAllister either. I’d been her friend so much longer.”

  Shit, I was wrong. Mike’s not the rapist. It’s probably Josh. My head hurts, but I try to sneakily reach for my phone. Not surprisingly, he catches my hand, yanks it quickly behind my back, and grabs my phone out of my pocket.

  “Stop, you’re hurting me,” I say, because his grip is bruising, and because I want him to think I’m weaker and lamer than I am. It gives me a better shot at him underestimating me, so that if I get the strength, I can attack him before I pass out.

  He lets go, but leans towards me on the couch, smelling my hair. “Amy, Amy, Amy. Thought you were gay. Just a wannabe? Not Camille, but sweet nonetheless.”

  �
�What the hell?” I say, pushing against his chest. “What did you do to Camille?”

  “Nothing she didn’t want. Of course she wanted it. She was outclassed, intimidated by me. No one says no to me. No one can.”

  “But you don’t have dark hair, or a snake…anything. She mentioned that—”

  “Maybe that was the dude that drugged her.”

  I try to hit him and miss. I can understand Geoff’s feelings of wanting to kill him right now. I wish Geoff were here. But if I do get raped, I’m going to fight. I’m going to get help, and therapy, and try not to end up the way Camille did. Not that I blame her, but I can learn from her. I will get help so I don’t leave people behind. He reaches for my belt.

  “I’ve been waiting so long. When I came back here, I was practically salivating. It’s going to be good. And then I’ll rub it in Geoff’s face. Both of his women wanted me, not him. Everyone wants me.”

  I vaguely wonder what’s wrong with Josh, what made him like this. I remember him as kind, as gentle. Maybe the rape that happened that night changed all of us. Not just Geoff, or Camille, or even me. Maybe perpetrating that kind of evil, taking that first step, changes something inside you.

  Maybe that’s why the person trying to get my pants undone looks like he doesn’t have a soul. I try to kick him off, but he straddles my legs. I’m short and chubby, no match for him even when I’m not drugged. “Don’t do this Josh. You’re better than this. It’s not you.”

  He frowns down at me for a moment, and his hands freeze on my zipper. “You know, I think I was once. And then I realized, better doesn’t get you anywhere. Force does.”

  “She was dating someone else. She didn’t want you.”

  “I had waited so long. I loved her.”

  “You can’t do that to someone you love.”

  “I didn’t drug her, you know,” he says, flicking the top of my zipper. “I just found her like that. She was so out of it, but so beautiful.”

  “Stop it,” I say, trying to cover my ears. I don’t want to hear it. It’s so sick, and it breaks my heart, causing pain to cut through the thick feeling in my brain.

  “She reached out for me. She didn’t say no till it was too late. I couldn’t stop. I had to keep going.”

  “No you didn’t,” I mutter, feeling tears on my cheek. “You should have stopped the instant she didn’t want it. You raped her. She killed herself.”

  “That’s not my fault,” he says, face losing any trace of gentleness that seemed to be there when he spoke of Camille and that night. “It wasn’t my fault.”

  “You need to own up to it,” I say.

  “We moved. I think my parents knew somehow, that something was wrong, that I’d changed. Even after that, Camille didn’t want me. Telling people she was raped. How could she? How could I do something like that to her? I could never hurt her, never want something she didn’t.” He looks off in the distance, and a tear slides down his face, like water over stone.

  For a moment, I pity him. But then I remember Geoff’s eyes, and the devastation he’s wrought, and I don’t care that his evil act seems to have scarred him for life. I just want him off me and in jail, where he can’t hurt any of us anymore, where he’ll have to pay for his crimes.

  “You know, I’d take it back,” he says dreamily, looking down at his hands. “So much blood.”

  “You can’t,” I say. “Now get off me.” The foggy feeling comes and goes, and this is a sharper moment. I wiggle my hands, but I still feel out of it. I can’t make them do what I want. Damnit!

  His face goes cold again. “I can’t, huh?” He reaches for my zipper again, toys with it gently. “So there’s no point not doing it again.”

  I struggle weakly, my hands flopping limply against him. “Don’t. It hurt you once. Don’t hurt yourself again. Don’t hurt me,” I beg.

  “Stop begging. Don’t sound like her. Don’t sound like her,” he shouts, putting one hand up to his head. He takes a deep breath, and stares down at me with those blue, soulless eyes. He needs to be put away. He’s not the boy I knew anymore.

  A knock sounds at the door. Thank heavens. I want to yell at them but my voice comes out quiet and weak. “I’m here. Help.”

  He sneers. “I’m going to do it with them right outside,” he says, acrid breath in my ears. “And I’m. Not. Sorry.”

  “Me neither,” I say, bringing my knee up into his groin with every bit of the energy I’ve been saving the last couple minutes by not moving at all.

  He grunts and falls off me, onto the ground. But he stands up quicker than they do in the movies. Isn’t that supposed to be a death blow?

  Another knock on the door. Harder this time. Could it be Geoff? If it was my parents, they’d just come right in.

  Josh narrows his eyes at the door, then stands and holds himself with one hand and pushes me back with the other. “You’re going to pay for that.”

  I struggle weakly, but it’s no use. Help is just a breath away. Just one locked door away. At least after this we’ll have evidence.

  The door slams open with a cracking noise, and Geoff stumbles through, looking around with wide, surprised eyes, and trying to gain balance. He kicked my door open.

  He kicked my damn door open. I can’t hold back a happy sigh and it earns me a glare from Josh, who reaches in his pocket.

  “Stay there,” he says. “Shut the door.” He flicks open a knife and puts it to my skin.

  Geoff’s eyes are hard and cold as he surveys the scene, taking note of Josh’s position, my open button, and finally, the knife. He rolls back his shoulders and takes a long breath, like he’s trying to calm himself. “I’m staying right here,” he says, putting a placating hand out towards Josh.

  “Shut the door,”

  “Um…” Geoff looks at it. “I think we’re a little past that.”

  Josh growls and just stares at Geoff for a moment. Then he sits up, leaving the knife a few inches from my neck, and gets a weird smile on his face. “So we’re here again.”

  “Again?” Geoff’s tan face pales. “What do you mean again? And get off my girl before I kill you.” He meets my eyes and there’s a quiet assurance there, that nothing bad is going to happen to me, not as long as he’s around.

  “Geoff, get out of here!” My voice comes out unclear and garbled. But he’s about to find out Camille’s rapist is right here in the room with us, and I don’t want him to kill anyone. I don’t want him to go to jail. “Get out now! I don’t want you here.”

  “I don’t take orders, Dollface. Not when the girl I love is in trouble.”

  I have a second to let that set in, and then he reaches in his pocket, and Josh hisses.

  “Don’t move, or I cut her.”

  Geoff pulls his hands back and holds them out. He’s so much bigger and stronger and better than Josh, but he’s held back by his own worry for me. That’s dangerous. I need him out of here. I need him safe. I can take care of myself. Stupid, stubborn Geoff. Stupid, wonderful Geoff. I give him a small smile and he just nods towards me, a look I can’t read on his face.

  Josh looks between us, and jealousy flares in his eyes. “What I mean by again, is that once more, I’m going to be loved by the woman you love, and there’s nothing you can do.”

  “You hurt Cami,” Geoff says. He says it calmly, in a way I never would have expected. He’s surprised, but he isn’t flying across the room to kill him. Rage seems to come on him in a slow, delayed way, and his fists curl up while his face stays almost serene. “You raped her.”

  “According to her,” Josh sneers. “So now what? Aren’t you angry? Are you going to come for revenge?” He wiggles the knife, which doesn’t feel that sharp. “Go ahead. Lose it. Come after me. Amy might get stabbed, but we both know she means less than Cami—”

  “She doesn’t,” Geoff says, his voice hoarse. “She doesn’t mean less. If this is something between us, just leave her out of it.”

  “I don’t want to,” Josh says in a low v
oice. “There’s no point anymore.”

  “Turn yourself in. You know what you did. I can see it in your face. I always thought I would know if I looked into her rapist’s face. I didn’t see it before. I do now. Pain.”

  “Fuck you!” Josh says. “It’ll be pain on your face, again, when I’m done.” He reaches for my zipper again and I bite his arm. He yelps in pain and I smile at Geoff, who gives me a quiet smile but also a look of warning.

  “Don’t do that,” Geoff says. “I’m not going to kill you, not if I don’t have to. But right now, you’re on the verge of committing a felony, and it’s my right to stop you by whatever means necessary.”

  “Sure, if you can, without her getting hurt.”

  Geoff swallows, and a vein at the side of his head twitches. All of those muscles and nowhere to go. But I love him so much for having control. For not putting himself in jail, or getting me killed. I should have trusted him to be the man he was showing me, not the man he kept telling me he was.

  He’s not a killer. Not unless it has to happen.

  “Just go,” Geoff says. “I won’t chase you. We won’t turn you in. Just let her go, and don’t do this again, and go.”

  Josh’s eyes go back and forth for a moment, like he’s considering it. But then he gets that blank look again. “No. No point. Nowhere to go. I come back here, and she’s everywhere. She hates me. She always was going to hate me, so what’s the point?” he drags his nails down his face, creating long marks. He’s insane. “What do I do now?”

  Geoff takes a tentative step forward. “You get help.”

  “No,” Josh says. “No one can help me.”

  “You need help,” I choke out from beneath him. I’m tired and about ready to sleep, and I would, if not for the life and death situation around us. “He drugged me,” I tell Geoff, so he understands if I pass out.

  Geoff’s eyes turn to slits, and then he manages to look normal again. “I’m only going to tell you once more, get off of her.”

  “No, you’re going to do what I say. I say if you don’t want her hurt, you come over here, away from the door.”

  Geoff walks forward, hands up. “I don’t want her hurt. I’ll do whatever you say, man.” He looks towards the back door, and I look as well, nothing there. “Dude, I forgive you.”