I'm Not Alright, but I'm Okay

by Nikolai Bird

I’m Not Alright, but I’m Okay

  By Jason Wallace

  Published by:

  I’m Not Alright, but I’m Okay

  Copyright © 2015 by Jason Wallace

  I’m not alright,

  But I’m okay.

  You’re gonna leave me alone,

  Anyway.

  I don’t know what might have been,

  But I don’t wanna fight,

  So I let you win.

  I don’t have the heart

  To ask you to stay.

  If you’re even half as miserable as me,

  I’ll let you go.

  You’re gonna miss me a lot

  When you see

  That nothing should have gone this way,

  And I want you to know

  I’m not alright,

  But I’m okay.

  You’re gonna leave me alone,

  Anyway.

  There’s nothing more that I can say

  To convince you this is wrong,

  And all along, you’ve been the one

  To lead me astray

  From all I ever knew

  Because everything I wanted was all in you.

  I’m nothing more than a man dying inside

  For all he’s already lost that’s gone.

  I’m not alright,

  But I’m okay.

  You’re gonna leave me alone,

  Anyway.

  I’m losing my mind.

  No. Wait. It’s lost, and it can’t stay,

  So we split.

  I go the other way,

  Though I’ve tried to bring it back with all my might.

  I’m not ok, and I’m not alright.

  I’m anything but anything, at all, tonight.

  I’m a mess with all the best gone out of sight.

  You left me here to figure out this pain,

  Reliving, re-envisioning, all the blame, all the same,

  Memorizing misery and shame,

  Regretting anything and everything and

  Wanting not even my own name.

  I’m apart, heartless, stripped so far,

  In a pit, in a hole, so down, no climb over height,

  Nothing but numb and not alright.

  I’m not alright,

  But I’m okay.

  You’re gonna leave me alone,

  Anyway.

  Leave me alone, anyway.

  I don’t know what you were thinkin’,

  Breakin’ up with me on the weekend,

  Like I wouldn’t go out on the town again.

  Now, you try to change your wording,

  Pretending that you’re actually hurting.

  You like to play me at a losing game; I win.

  I cried all I could when you walked out,

  But now, I’ve changed my locks; you’re locked out,

  So don’t come knockin’ down my door.

  I’m past the point of breaking.

  My heart, it’s done it aching.

  It ain’t about to beg for more,

  And I don’t know what you ever loved me for.

  If I could, I would just take off,

  Far away and stay away for my sake; all

  You had to do was love me a little more.

  You couldn’t do it when I gave you

  Every chance to change and even me to save you

  From yourself, but you couldn’t help but me, ignore.

  I don’t know what you ever loved me for.

  Did you ever love me at all,

  Or was I your way of killing time?

  I tried like hell,

  But there was no way to make you mine.

  You’ve only made me blind

  With tears too many to name,

  Though I tried to name them one by one.

  I’m the same but not the same as you,

  And I never saw you as just some fun.

  You were the only one

  And all I could ever want,

  But I was always less than the more

  You should’ve shown to me or

  Given freely, but what did you ever love me for?

  If I could, I would just take off,

  Far away and stay away for my sake; all

  You had to do was love me a little more.

  You couldn’t do it when I gave you

  Every chance to change and even me to save you

  From yourself, but you couldn’t help but me, ignore.

  I don’t know what you ever loved me for.

  If I could, I would just take off,

  Far away and stay away for my sake; all

  You had to do was love me a little more.

  You couldn’t do it when I gave you

  Every chance to change and even me to save you

  From yourself, but you couldn’t help but me, ignore.

  I don’t know what you ever loved me for.

  What did you love me for,

  And what did you say when

  You left through the door?

  It sure wasn’t those three words I always heard

  And wondered if you meant

  Because I was some sick experiment,

  And you were always keeping score,

  Which, I believe, is now 3 and 0

  But this time for good.

  What did you love me for,

  Or did you or think you ever should?

  If I could, I would just take off,

  Far away and stay away for my sake; all

  You had to do was love me a little more.

  You couldn’t do it when I gave you

  Every chance to change and even me to save you

  From yourself, but you couldn’t help but me, ignore.

  I don’t know what you ever loved me for.

  What did I do to you

  To make you give so much abuse,

  And what did I do all this for?

  What did you ever love me for?

  Hopeless

  Living like I'm in constant fear

  I swear I don't know

  Who I am

  A life full of

  So much regret

  It tears apart my soul

  I look in my broken mirror

  I think I see a man

  But the shape looks so cold

 

  Indignant, indecent, recently,

  A shred of dignity

  Is all I ask myself for

  Repentant but not enough penitence

  Ignorant of how to carry on one day more

 

  Careful contemplation of

  My imagination of self-gratification

  The face I'm facing is erasing any

  Of anything I once felt

  Feeling strangulation, exaggerating the inner aching

  Taking myself for granted, losing what is left

 

  Hoping I have a home I can call on

  Because this place where I am

  Is nothingness to me

  Searching for something I can be proud of

  I fall on

  Nothing but

  Misery

 

  Terrified

  Of a life

  That I no longer want to live

  I don't feel alive

  So dead inside

  Is there more out there to gain, to give

 

  Alone again, unknown to the end

  By anyone that could

  Help me out of my hole and be whole again

 

  Surrounded by shame

  Turned around by so much blame

  It seems that's all there is anymore

  All I have left is my name


  And more pain

  Than any one person should

  Carry with them yet still feel the same

  As they always did before

 

  Disheartened, hardened heartache

  Dissipated, disillusioned, partly fake

  Taking one day at a time

  Enlightened yet so frightened

  By knowing nothing but

  Insanity plus

  Memories that get mixed and misinterpreted

  And make me lose my mind

 

  If in the end, I find

  Some bit of truth, of a sign

  Of where I might go next

  It could be worth

  All the good, bad, and worse

  And the worst yet to come

  To figure out what hope I have left

 

  But until that day

  Come what may

  I couldn't feel like less than I do right now

  I might not have to end it all

  To fix the fall

  And might find some strength to fight some way, somehow

  But all I know is low

  All this time runs slow

  It's more emptiness than one should be allowed

  I wish for nothing more than some way out

  Haunted Like This

  It's hard to move on

  When you're broken inside

  You used to hold out hope

  But your hopes have all died

  You couldn't mop up

  All the tears that you've cried

  And the moment they said

  You were everything

  You knew that they lied

 

  So you go to nowhere no one knows

  And push in all the pain

  You tell yourself I don't care or want it to show

  But it's all there is in your brain

  So sacrifice yourself on the altar of regret

  As you walk down the cold, open, long, and broken road

  All you wish for is freezing rain

  And a semblance of sentiment from the one you can't forget

 

  Ten more seconds and you know you'll just snap

  You'll either go insane or have a heart attack

  And the very instant you almost feel a beginning

  To being whole again

  The one you miss calls you to fill you in

  On some things you kind of wish you didn't learn

  But you can't unhear the burden that burns

  You want them back

  But don't know why

  Or if they can do more than lie

  Yet don't want to take a number to take your turn

 

  A spoiled rotten emptiness

  Brought about to leave you for dead

  Forgotten, lonely

  But still not buried yet

 

  Waiting for, praying for

  The sweet release of time

  Watching as

  Every bit of anything passes you by

  Every attempt at life is never hit but miss

  Every sense of anything or sentiment of innocence

  Is gone, leading down to a hole

  Paving over with stone

  The deepness of the abyss

  Cold and covered over, haunted like this

  In the Dead of Night

  I wear this mask

  To hide and deaden the pain

  When all I want to do

  Is call you

  And scream out your name

  You almost act like you want me back

  But no matter this or that,

  It's just not the same

  I