by Quinn Ward
“I am capable of functioning without him,” I shot back. Snark was almost as foreign to me as idle chatter, but I needed to grow a backbone unless I wanted these guys to see me as an easy target.
“Don’t mind him, Chase. What he was trying to say is that it’s good to see you settling in a bit,” Brandon explained, glaring at his roommate. “And he’s not admitting he’s glad there’s someone else who gets easily overwhelmed by new people.”
“Oh. Cool.” I took the mug of coffee Matt offered me and doctored it up with heaping spoonsful of sugar and creamer. Matt gaped at me like I’d just put ketchup on a juicy steak. “Sorry, not a fan of the taste.”
“How do you function after that much sugar? I’d be passed out in class when the crash hit if I did that.” When Brandon was focused on scrambling a pan of eggs and veggies, Matt swiped my cup off the counter and took a sip. His eyes rolled back, and he made a face not unlike the exaggerated ecstasy porn stars made when they climaxed.
“I swear, if you’re drinking his coffee I’m going to kick you out of the room this afternoon,” Brandon warned him. Matt held a finger in front of his lips as he pushed the mug back toward me. “I’m serious, Matt. I’m not dealing with you bouncing off the walls when I’m trying to get work done.”
“Aww, you’re no fun,” Matt teased.
I sputtered coffee all over the counter when Brandon swatted Matt on the backside before demanding he get out of the kitchen. “Sorry about that. If we ever make you feel uncomfortable, let me know. He and I have been buddies since we were kids, so boundaries aren’t really a thing anymore.”
“No, it’s fine,” I insisted. Even if it wasn’t, I was the new guy and I wasn’t going to make any waves. Besides, maybe it was time for me to put myself out there and open up. If Matt and Brandon were so comfortable with each other, they wouldn’t have an issue with me, right? “Just so you know, I’m gay.”
“Cool.” That was it? Coming out to Brandon might have been the least climactic moment of my life.
“I just thought I’d let you know so you understand I won’t be upset by you and Matt showing affection,” I explained. “I didn’t say anything at first because I wasn’t sure how people would react. And that’s stupid, because part of why I came here is the school has a reputation of being accepting and affirming, but it’s something I’ll probably always worry about.”
“Breathe, Chase.” I did the exact opposite when I felt Jayden’s hands on my shoulders and heard his voice low in my ear. I hadn’t even seen him come out. “You never need to explain yourself to anyone unless you’re ready. Remember that.”
Was he talking about the conversation he’d walked in on or was this another subtle reassurance about what he’d found in my sheets this weekend?
“Yeah, what he said,” Brandon agreed as he eased past us to pull a stack of plates out of the cupboard. “Chase, can you set these out? Jay, why don’t you go pound on the doors to wake up the lazy asses.”
Jayden swiped my coffee and took a gulp, his eyes bugging out as he set it back on the counter. “Damn, you don’t like much coffee with your sugar, do you?”
“Right? It’s crazy sweet!” Matt exclaimed from the lounge area. If he kept teasing me, I was going to tell Brandon he’d swapped our mugs and I’d had to add more sugar to the one he’d left me with. He was insane, but I could see us getting to be friends if I made the effort to get out of the privacy of our room. “Kinda like him.”
“No teasing the new guy,” Jayden warned him. After filling his own mug, he followed me to the dining table. “You good?”
Nodding seemed a safer response than trying to figure out whether he was concerned about last night or Matt. While he woke our roommates, I slapped some eggs between two pieces of toast and ducked back into our room. I scribbled out a quick note letting Jayden know I’d catch up with him after class. I needed a bit of time to myself first.
By Wednesday afternoon, Jayden’s easy acceptance was killing me. He hadn’t asked about what he’d seen, and I hadn’t said anything because I didn’t know what I could say that wouldn’t weird him out.
He was at his part time job this afternoon, and the rest of the guys were in classes, meaning I had just over an hour completely alone in the suite. Yes, I had privacy any time I shut the door and locked it, because everyone here was respectful of personal space, but the illogical part of my brain said someone might overhear something on my computer or hack into my system so they could spy on me.
I couldn’t believe my eyes when a search for Daddies and little boys pulled up a real-life club not more than a few miles from campus. It felt like someone had given me a winning lottery ticket on Christmas morning. I popped out of my seat, peeking my head out the door leading from our room into the rest of the suite to make sure I was really alone, then crossed the room to make sure our door was locked. I’d been stupid enough to not take precautions once, I wouldn’t do it again.
I pulled Pika and the binkie out of my bag, hugging the stuffie tight to my chest as I read the information. They had introduction nights for people who were interested in the lifestyle but didn’t know what to do. That would be awesome, but I couldn’t imagine going there without a Daddy. Unfortunately, I wasn’t sure how to find a Daddy. It was a huge catch-22. Daddies hung out at the club, but I couldn’t go to the club unless I had a Daddy to push me into it.
I curled up in the bean bag chair under Jayden’s bed, too depressed to think about how I’d never get anywhere unless I found a way to be brave on my own. I drifted off to sleep, dreaming of a Daddy who would accept me the way I was. He’d make sure I never had to hide my blankie when I took my naps, and he’d kiss me on the forehead to wake me up. He’d tell me I was his brave boy. He’d be…
“Hey, sleepyhead.” I startled at the sound of Jayden’s voice in my ear. He smoothed a hand over my back, softly soothing me. “You crashed pretty hard. Come on, let’s get ready for dinner. It’s our night to cook.”
Oh heck. I fell asleep in Jayden’s spot. And I had my blankie…
NO. No, no, no. This wasn’t happening. I scrambled around, trying to find the stupid pacifier. Why did I go for that whenever I was stressed out or confused?
“Shh, relax, Chase.” Jayden was sitting on the floor next to me. He reached up, popping the binkie back in my mouth as if it was no big deal. “This is your home. You don’t have to hide here.”
I tucked my chin against my chest, keeping my eyes hidden from him so he wouldn’t see me on the verge of tears.
“Look at me, buddy,” Jayden pleaded. He tentatively grazed a finger down my cheek and under my chin. When I shook my head, he tugged a bit more forcefully on my chin. “I know I said you don’t have to talk until you’re ready, but I don’t think that was the right thing to say.”
It was. It was the perfect solution because then I didn’t have to admit how similar this situation was to the one that had ruined everything for me last semester.
When Jayden moved my laptop so he could get closer to me, the screen came to life. My mortification was complete when he picked up the computer and started reading the homepage for The Lodge. “This is a great place. Have you been there?”
I shook my head again, sucking harder on the binkie.
“But you want to, don’t you?” He watched me, waiting for an answer. “You’ll feel better if you talk about this. I promise, you’re safe talking to me about anything, Chase.”
“I can’t,” I insisted, as Jayden scooped me into his arms before he settled into the bean bag. It felt so…nice, being in his lap. I twisted around so I could rest my head on his shoulder. Maybe I could talk to him. He wouldn’t judge me. He’d seen more of the real me than anyone else, and he was still here trying to comfort me.
“Would you like me to go to the club with you?” Jayden offered. I clutched the front of his shirt, nodding against his neck. “Okay, then we’ll go tomorrow night.”
“I’m not ready,” I argued. This wasn’t the type o
f place you went without preparing ahead of time. I didn’t know what I was supposed to wear, and I was light years away from admitting that I wanted to be someone’s little boy.
“Nope, I’m not giving you time to talk yourself out of it,” Jayden insisted. “You’ll be safe there, I promise. No one will think bad about you, and if they do, they’ll be taken care of.”
“Have you been there before?” The binkie fell out of my mouth. Jayden picked it up and held it to my lips. I wasn’t sure how I wanted him to answer. I liked the idea of it being something foreign to both of us, but he spoke with a level of certainty that said he’d known about The Lodge before seeing information on my computer screen.
“No, but they have a good reputation. I promise, you’ll be safe there. And, no matter what, I’ll be there with you.” His reassurances helped almost as much as feeling his hand running up and down my arm. He hugged me tighter, and I wasn’t sure if he’d kissed me or if I’d imagined his lips pressing against my head. “I wish you could see how cute you are like this. If going to the club will help you meet someone who can give you what you need, it’s worth it to me. You’re an awesome boy, Chase.”
“Thank you.” I choked back tears when it hit me that Jayden wasn’t offering to be that person for me. He was just a friend. The best sort of friend, willing to step outside his own comfort zone to help me.
5
Jayden
“You have nothing to be worried about,” I reminded Chase. We’d been sitting in the car for almost ten minutes, waiting for him to work up the courage to go inside. I hadn’t told him that my own nerves were for a very different reason.
I hadn’t lied to Chase when I told him I’d never been to The Lodge before, but I also hadn’t explained how I could be so certain nothing bad would happen here. If I’d admitted to him that my uncle was one of the facilitators for their educational events, and that the man who owned the club was like an uncle to me, there’s not a chance in hell he’d have agreed to come out tonight.
But he needed it. I might not be into the lifestyle, but my roommate was the type of boy who’d have any decent Daddy falling over himself to claim as his own. The last thing I was going to let happen was for him to explore on his own and get hooked up with some asshole who’d treat him wrong.
Luckily, Chase wasn’t the only one who’d been doing research online. Even though I wasn’t cut out to be his Daddy, I was committed to doing everything in my power to make this transition easy for him. If that meant being a sort of cool uncle when he needed to be little, I would. For Chase. Because he was worth it. Until I’d started looking into it more, I hadn’t realized that there were all sorts of caregiver roles out there, and it didn’t have to be sexual.
I pulled a bright yellow keychain out of my pocket and dangled it in front of Chase. He fought the urge to smile at the blue pacifier attached to his favorite anime character. “I can’t use this.”
“No, but you could put it in your pocket,” I suggested. This was an idea I’d seen online for boys who needed a connection to their little side when they were in mixed company. “And if you do need it, remember that you’re in a safe place here. It won’t be weird or gross, I promise.”
“You keep telling me that, but how can you know?”
“This club has been around for more than a decade, and they have a reputation for being one of the most well-run kink clubs within hours of here,” I explained. Now I was grateful for all the times I’d listened to my uncle and his buddy talking about what made The Lodge different, because it allowed me to set Chase’s mind at ease. “They don’t allow anything that crosses the line from kink to abuse, and they don’t stand for kink-shaming. Right now, they’re working on a new expansion, where they’re opening a playroom for littles and their Daddies. It wouldn’t make sense for them to allow any boy to feel unwelcome, especially one as cute as you.”
Shit, I didn’t want to do this. I might not be what Chase needed, but that didn’t mean I was ready to hand him over to someone else.
“Okay, let’s do this.” Chase took a deep breath and stepped out of the car. I jogged around to join him, placing my hand at the small of his back. For tonight, people in there needed to get through me if they wanted to take care of Chase.
“It’s going to be awesome; you’ll see.” I kissed Chase’s cheek and led him inside. We’d barely made it twenty feet past the entrance when I began to doubt the awesomeness of my idea. “Wait here a second. I need to take care of something quick.”
“Um, okay.” Chase shuffled backward like he was trying to blend in with the wall. “Jayden, that guy doesn’t look very happy. Are you sure it’s okay if we’re here?”
“I’ll explain later, but yes, we’re definitely allowed to be here tonight. It’s not an exclusive club, and I called to make sure this was one of their over eighteen events. I’ll be back in a minute,” I promised. William was not going to ruin this for Chase. I appreciated everything he did to help mom and me, but if he decided to parent me tonight, I was going to have an issue with it. He didn’t seem to understand that I’d gotten this far in life without a father and didn’t feel like I was missing out on anything because of it.
“What the hell are you doing here?”
I forced myself to stay calm and quickened my pace, not wanting him to freak out Chase any more than he already had. We were in public, and William had no right to tell me I couldn’t be here. If it had been possible to bring Chase down here on a night when William wasn’t around, I would have. Unfortunately, there was also no one I trusted more than my uncle to point Chase in the right direction. He knew everyone in the local kink community, and he wouldn’t let Chase get hurt.
“Don't make a big deal about this, okay?” I begged him. “Trust me, I’d rather not be here either, but he needs this.”
I glanced over my shoulder to check on Chase. He looked pale. He was definitely out of his element, and I should be over there with him instead of over here, trying to get my uncle to act like I was just another customer in the bar and not the kid he felt like he’d failed to be there for as a child.
“You have a boyfriend?”
“No, he’s new to our suite,” I explained. I’d instantly thought of The Lodge when I’d walked into our room last night to the sight of Chase sleeping with his blanket and pacifier in my bean bag. Realizing that he had been researching how to explore being little had made it imperative that I do this for him. “I don’t want to spread his business around, but ever since he moved in, I’ve been trying to get him to explore his preferences.”
“And you decided to bring him here?” William chuckled and shook his head, as if this was the stupidest idea I could have possibly concocted. “Isn’t that a bit like throwing him into the deep end of a shark-infested pool?”
“Have you even been to any clubs other than this one?” I scoffed. Chase would not be able to handle most gay clubs. He didn’t need a meat market where he’d have to fight off guys who were only interested in getting him on his knees long enough to get off. Hell, I wasn’t sure sex was something he felt like he needed at all.
William’s face turned beet red and the vein at his temple bulged. He let out a low growl, and I could see him gearing up for a lecture.
“Get that look off your face. I brought him here because he was able to get a wristband. He’s only twenty, so most gay bars aren’t an option. Besides—”
“Sorry, I just…” William kneaded the back of his neck. He was obviously uncomfortable. He muttered to himself for a few seconds, then squared his shoulders and looked into my eyes. “I’m proud of you, Jayden. You’re a good friend. Now, please tell me you’ve warned him this isn’t your average gay bar.”
“Yeah, he knows all about this place.” I was the one struggling. I had zero issue with kinky people, but it was awkward thinking about what all my uncle did here. Yes, I’d been curious about things at times, but my paranoia that I would see him in a compromising position was enough to keep me away.
“Do you have any idea how weird it is knowing this is where you hang out? Part of me wants to know more, but then…” I shuddered. “Nope. Really don’t want to know. Even in our family, that’s a little too close for comfort.”
“I can’t guarantee you won’t learn more about me than you’d like if you stick around, but I promise, if you tell me you’re going to be here, I’ll be respectful of that.” It was a small compromise. “And if you have any questions, man up and come see me. I’d rather we both suffer through some uncomfortable conversations than have you led astray.”
“Thanks, William.” Chase was inching his way toward the door. “I should probably get back to Chase. He needs this. Bad.”
“Be good to him. I’m not going to go over and spook him, but make sure he also knows he’s more than welcome to find me if he has any questions.”
“Will do.”
I rushed back to Chase, lacing my fingers with his so he couldn’t run away as William announced that things were going to start soon. There was a bit of an overview, followed by a question and answer session. “That doesn’t sound too scary, does it?”
“I guess not.” Chase scrunched his face. “Thank you for coming here with me.”
“You don’t need to keep thanking me, buddy.” I brushed the hair out of his face. I slid my hand around Chase’s waist, leading him to the couches on the far side of the room. There was a low table filled with toys and coloring books. Initially, I’d planned on him sitting close enough I could comfort him if he was nervous, but now I had a better idea. “Hey, why don’t you sit on the floor and color?”
“Um, because that would be rude.” He seemed stunned that I would make such a suggestion.
“In other situations, you might be right, but they have toys and stuff here for a reason,” I reminded him. “This is all about giving people a safe place to explore things about themselves. The best way for you to do that is by doing it. Besides, I bet it’ll be easier for you to forget that you’re supposed to be nervous if you’re playing.”