by Quinn Ward
“Yeah, maybe you’re right,” he agreed, crossing his legs as he lowered himself onto the floor between my feet.
I looked to the front of the room, sitting a bit taller when my uncle gave me a nod of approval. I bent forward, rubbing Chase’s shoulders. “Don’t forget you have your binkie if you need it.”
“I can’t,” Chase protested. “Not tonight. It’s still scary to know you know about it. I can’t do that in front of strangers.”
Talk about a backfiring plan. I’d wanted him to relax, but he seemed more keyed up than before. I allowed my hands to slide forward to Chase’s chest and kissed the top of his head. I couldn’t explain why I was so obsessed with touching Chase or giving him little kisses, but I couldn’t stop myself. And since he wasn’t protesting, I wasn’t going to hold back. Friends could be close, right? “Then don’t. I just want you to remember there’s no right or wrong here.”
I checked out the rest of the group in the room. There were some boys who were obviously there with their Daddies, but also a few boys who looked as lost as Chase seemed. I wasn’t sure which group would be better to try and work our way closer to. The boys in committed relationships would show him that he wasn’t anything out of the norm, but the skittish littles might be more relatable to him.
He relaxed a bit throughout the presentation. When William opened the floor for questions, Chase relaxed between my legs, wrapping his arms around my calves. He wasn’t as tense as before, but I couldn’t tell if he was actually enjoying himself. I had pushed him to do this, and now I wasn’t sure that had been the right decision. “If you need to leave, we can.”
“No, I’m okay,” he whispered. “But I’m thirsty. Can we get a drink soon?”
“Yeah, we can do that, buddy.” I scruffed a hand over his head and he leaned into the contact. “I’m very proud of you. It takes a brave boy to come here even though you were scared.”
“I needed to see for myself.”
“I know. You’re not upset with me for dragging you here before you were ready?” Chase started putting away the crayons he’d been using and stacked the coloring books. “Thank you for cleaning up.”
I startled when the praise flowed easily. That, to me, was weirder than anything else tonight. I needed to remind myself I was just Chase’s supportive friend, nothing more. I was letting the lines blur, and that wasn’t fair to either one of us. I would never be what Chase needed.
He turned, kneeling between my legs. When he smiled, it was unlike anything I’d seen from him so far. His eyes sparkled and he seemed genuinely happy. “Can we get a drink now?”
“Yeah, buddy. Let’s go.” As I ushered him out of the room, I caught my uncle watching us. He gave me a smile and a nod. Maybe I wasn’t screwing this up as bad as I’d thought.
The informational session split up not long after Chase and I sat down at the end of the bar. More of the couples were wandering around the lounge. I was fascinated by how comfortable the little boys were being themselves.
“Look at that cute boy.” I turned Chase’s stool so he could see a little dressed in stretchy shorts and a tight t-shirt with a cartoon sloth on it. I’d done a double take when I saw the hint of a diaper peeking over the waistband of his shorts. It felt like an invasion of Chase’s privacy, but I couldn’t hold back from asking. “Do you think that’s something you want to try eventually?”
“What?” Chase squirmed in his seat. I wished I wasn’t behind him. I wanted to see his reactions. I wanted to be able to glance down and see if he was turned on by what he saw, even if he tried telling me he wasn’t.
“Do you want a Daddy who will make you wear diapers?” I pressed my chest against Chase’s back, resting my hands on his hips. “I think you’d be cute walking around with your padded bum.”
“I don’t know.” Chase scrunched up his nose. He reached into his pocket, fiddling with the paci and mini Pika I’d given him.
“But you’ve thought about it?” I pressed. Chase nodded. “And part of you likes the idea?” He nodded again. That was enough for now. As long as he was learning how to open up about his desires, I’d consider it a win.
“This isn’t anything like I expected,” Chase admitted.
“I told you it wouldn’t be.” Now that we’d gotten through the initial anxiety of the night, I could explain why I’d been so certain. “The guy who was doing all the talking? He’s my uncle. He wouldn’t stick around if it wasn’t the best place around. What makes The Lodge awesome is it’s like a mullet.”
“I already know I’m going to regret asking, but how are mullets awesome, and how can you make that comparison for a bar?” Chase asked.
Yes, it sounded weird, but it might have been the best analogy I’d ever come up with.
“Okay, so mullets are ridiculous, but stick with me.” I held up a finger as he took a long draw off my beer. I hadn’t planned on drinking at all since Chase couldn’t, but tonight was confusing as fuck for me. I’d promised to help Chase find a Daddy, but every time I thought about watching him walk away with someone, my stomach soured. I caved and ordered one drink, hoping it would settle my nerves. “So, they say the upside of a mullet is that it’s business in the front and party in the back, right?”
“Sure.”
“The Lodge is the same way,” I explained. “When you first walk in, it seems like a normal club with a chill vibe. But then…” I hitched a thumb over my shoulder. “Party in the rear.”
The bartender quickly snatched a stack of napkins and a damp rag when Chase spewed soda over the counter. He jerked his head in thanks, unable to verbalize his appreciation while he coughed and sputtered. “You just had to say rear, didn’t you?”
“Seemed logical to me.”
“Jerk.”
“But you love me anyway.”
“If you say so.” Chase started shredding the napkin, creating a small pile of scraps on the counter. His shoulders hunched as he curled in on himself. “And it doesn’t gross you out? I don’t know if I could even come to a place like this if anyone I knew was there.”
“Nah, we have a pretty open family,” Of course, that could change in the future. This place was sensory overload. I wanted to know more, but I wanted to run away because the man who could answer my questions was also related to me. I didn’t want him knowing some of the things I thought about. “It was never a secret that he was gay, and I wasn’t really surprised when I overheard him talking to Jack about working here after he got out.”
“Jack?”
“The owner,” I clarified. “They were friends when they were kids, and every time my uncle came home, Jack was there. For a while, I thought they might be together.”
“They weren’t?”
“Oh, hell no! Now that I know more, it’s obvious the two of them would have killed each other as a couple.”
“Why’s that?”
“They’re too much alike. If they’d tried hooking up, it would have ended in disaster. They’d have been fighting the whole time, trying to figure out who was going to be in charge.”
The bartender busted up laughing. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to eavesdrop.”
“Not like we’re huddled in the corner and you’re lurking trying to overhear.” I lifted my glass. “Listen away. If we wanted privacy, we could have moved to a table. Say, maybe you can help me out as long as you’re here.”
“Sure, what’s up?” he asked, resting his foot against the liquor well.
“I’m trying to get Chase here to loosen up a bit,” I explained.
“Jesus, Jayden. Why don’t you just stand on top of the bar and tell the entire room what a pathetic loser virgin your roommate is,” Chase hissed through gritted teeth.
“I didn’t say that, you did,” I pointed out before turning back to the bartender. “But it does make things easier to explain. As he said, he’s… inexperienced. He’s a curious little boy but he’s too nervous to do anything about it.”
“Jayden!” Chase’s entire face
burned bright red. I worried I’d crossed the line, sharing something personal about him, but that was the whole reason we were here.
“It’s okay,” the bartender reassured Chase, placing a hand on his forearm. I snarled, not liking the easy way he soothed my friend. “You’re not the first newbie I’ve seen around here, and you won’t be the last. It’s okay to be nervous.”
“You don’t think it’s weird?” Chase chewed on his bottom lip.
The bartender looked nervous. He kept glancing around like he was hoping someone would come rescue him. “Listen, I see a lot of strange shit here. Weeknights are pretty tame, and even the weekends aren’t orgies and public beatings in the main area, but it’s not exactly Cheers either. If it makes you happy and you’re being treated well, I don’t see any harm in it.”
“Okay, so since you see and hear things, how would Chase go about finding someone to help him out?” I asked.
The bartender shrugged. “I think your uncle would be a better one to ask for advice on that.”
That was the very last thing I wanted to do, but I would, for Chase. Seeing him slowly relax—to the point I’d noticed the stuffie in his lap instead of hidden in his pocket—reassured me I had done the right thing by bringing him here. The bartender wandered off, leaving me thinking about what to do next.
“You don’t have to fix this for me, Jayden,” Chase said, resting a hand on my arm. “Just the fact you came here with me means everything. I’ll never forget it.”
“But you deserve a Daddy who will take care of you,” I argued.
“Eh, maybe. But I don’t want to rush into anything, either.” He drained what was left of his soda. “I’m ready to go when you are.”
6
Chase
Tonight, had been eye-opening. Jayden was right; I needed to get out there and see other people who were like me, so I could start letting go of everything I’d had thrown at me last semester. I wasn’t weird or gross or anything else. I was me, and I liked being able to be little sometimes.
Before we left, Jayden led me over to his uncle. My heart raced and my palms were sweaty. This wasn’t like meeting a boyfriend’s family, but in some ways, it was. Jayden wasn’t my boyfriend, but he was my best friend. He was the man who did little things to make me happy, and it was important that his family like me. Then again, maybe meeting his uncle who worked in a kink club would help me work my way up to meeting his mom.
“Remember, he’s not going to judge you. If anything, he’s going to want to scoop you up and take care of you himself.” Jayden’s jaw tensed, and he balled his hand into a tight fist at his side.
“I’m not ready for that,” I insisted. And honestly, William scared me a little bit. He was huge, and I pictured him being a very strict Daddy. That wasn’t something I needed in my life. For me, it was about relaxing more than anything. Knowing a Daddy would take care of me was a bonus. “Besides, I don’t think he’s my type.”
Jayden’s shoulders relaxed and he let out a breath. If I didn’t know better, I’d have thought he was jealous over the mere idea of William taking care of me. And, yeah, that would be all sorts of awkward, so it wouldn’t happen no matter what.
“Chase, this is my uncle, William,” Jayden said. He wrapped an arm around my waist, pulling me to his side. I giggled, testing the waters by turning slightly so I could put my hand on his chest. Jayden tensed but didn’t try to pull away from me. This was probably a huge mistake, but he’d started it. If it was okay for him to stake a claim, I should be able to do the same. “William, this is Chase. He’s the friend I told you about earlier.”
“It’s nice to meet you.” William patted my shoulder rather than shaking my hand. “Did you have any questions? I know it can be overwhelming at first, but you’re definitely in the right place. We have a new playroom opening in a few weeks because we wanted to create a space where littles can be themselves.”
“Really? That’s so cool!” Without thinking about it, I turned to Jayden. “Can we come and see when it opens?”
“As long as you have your homework done and the room is clean, I think we can make another trip over here.” Jayden had no clue how it affected me when he said things like that. It made me wish he wasn’t my roommate and that he liked me as something other than a friend.
William watched the two of us, the corner of his mouth turning up. “It’s good to set expectations. I think that will help both of you.”
“Oh, he’s not—” Did William understand our relationship? He didn’t give me a chance to finish my objection.
“The one thing I would recommend, for both of you, is to not get hung up on labels. Do what feels right for your situation.” It felt a bit like we were getting a one-on-one lesson in kink. “A lot of people make the mistake of thinking having a power exchange relationship means there has to be sex involved, but that’s not always the case.”
“So, it’s not weird for me to like it when Jayden gives me rules?” William had opened a door for me to indirectly tell Jayden what an ideal world would look like for me. He wouldn’t be my forever Daddy, but it had been easier for me to focus since he’d started doing little things to take control. I wanted him to keep doing that but didn’t want to feel like I was pushing myself on him.
“Weird is an ugly word,” William scolded me. “There’s no right or wrong as long as both of you are okay with it. But you can’t pressure him if he’s not comfortable making the rules.”
“It’s not that, exactly.” Jayden scrubbed a hand over the back of his neck.
“Go with what feels natural, Jayden.” William’s encouragement helped Jayden relax a bit. “I know it’s probably weird for you, but you can talk to me whenever you have questions. I’d like it if you would, because I think there’s something here you’re afraid to give a name to. Don’t let fear or what you think you know about the lifestyle turn you away. Try it. Don’t stop yourself if something feels right. And Chase, you need to be willing to ask for what you want, too. I know it’s not easy because there’s a chance Jayden might say no, but that’s a risk you will always take.”
“And he might say yes,” I added. If anything, I worried more about him agreeing to help me, even when it made him uncomfortable. Jayden squeezed my hand tighter.
“But I’m not a Daddy,” Jayden said to no one in particular. “I can help until you find a Daddy but then I’m going to have to step back.”
He swallowed hard and his nose scrunched up like he’d smelled something rotten. Maybe all hope wasn’t lost. William looked to me, then to his nephew, and shook his head as he rolled his eyes. He flicked the side of Jayden’s head. “Or you could live in the damn moment for a change. Don’t think about what happens after, because then you’re going to miss out on what could happen right now.”
“But what if—” This time, William cuffed him a bit harder. “Ow! That fucking hurts!”
“Quit being stupid and I won’t do it again,” William teased. “You’re the one getting hung up on labels here. Let go of that shit and do whatever feels right. Talk to each other. See what happens. Who knows, you might learn something about yourself in the process.”
I tried to not let myself get too hopeful by William’s words. Yes, Jayden was a good friend and, yes, I was developing a bit of a crush on him, but there was no guarantee he’d be interested in anything more.
“I have to get back out there, but call me if you have any questions, okay?” William pulled his nephew in for a quick hug. That was to be expected, but it stung seeing how close he was to his family. My parents had isolated us away from our extended family. And even if we were close, there’s no way I’d ever feel this easy acceptance when they found out I was gay. They all had their assumptions but, until now, nothing had been confirmed. I nearly cried when William turned to me next, hugging me tight. “I know it’s not easy to go after what you want, but you’ll be glad you did. Push him a little. He needs it.”
“Okay.” I leaned back, smiling up at the ol
der man. He ruffled my hair and patted my shoulder. “Thanks for… Well, I guess, for being here. I didn’t realize places like this existed.”
“Well, be a good boy and maybe Jayden will bring you down to see the playroom when it opens.” William followed us to the door, holding it open as we stepped into the cold night. “Don’t be strangers, got it? And, Jayden, let me know when you bring him home to meet Vivvie. He might need a buffer from your mom.”
“She’s not that bad,” Jayden protested. “But, yeah, she’s probably going to want to wrap him up in bubble wrap once she sees how sweet he is.”
Jayden thought I was sweet? I stood taller, hope seeping in. I stuffed my hand in my pocket to hold my mini Pika. It was such a small gesture, but it meant the world to me that he’d thought ahead to try and help me feel safe. When Jayden slid a hand around my waist and pulled me to his side, I leaned into him, allowing the warmth of his body to dull the chill. “You did a good job tonight, Chase. Did you have fun?”
“Yeah.” I paused, trying to put into words everything that was going through my head. It was the best night ever. I didn’t feel out of place, once I watched some of the other boys playing, and I was close to asking Jayden’s permission to play with them. But I caught myself, and all the good feelings went away.
Jayden unlocked the car and opened my door. He stopped me before I could slide into the seat. I held my breath when he rested a hand on my hip, cupping my face with the other. Froze when I saw him leaning closer.
Was he going to kiss me?
Did I want him to kiss me?
“I’m probably not going to be any good at this,” he warned me. He took a step closer. I lifted my hand to his arm, needing him to understand I wanted whatever he was about to do, as long as he was getting ready to kiss me. I really wanted to feel his lips against mine. “I’m still not sure I can be the type of person you’re looking for, but I don’t want you finding someone else. Not now. I want to see if we can figure out a way to be what the other needs.”