by Quinn Ward
“Talk to me, Jayden,” William urged the longer I gaped at the nursery without saying anything.
What was I supposed to say? I knew talking shit about a kink was a huge no-no, especially when you were inside a kink club. And really, I wasn’t repulsed, I was more confused than anything. The image of Ash in the adult-sized crib, arms outstretched as he waited for me to pick him up was crystal fucking clear. I wanted to see him in there, smiling up at me around the edges of his binkie like I was the center of his universe.
“It’s okay to be intrigued by what you see,” my uncle reassured me when I was still silent. I ducked away when I felt his hand on my shoulder. I needed to work this shit out on my own. “Tell me what you’re feeling. I’m not going to judge you if that’s what you’re worried about. You might even find I can relate to a lot of what you’re feeling.”
He couldn’t. Someone like William wouldn’t want to lay his baby boy on the changing table and clean him up before putting on a new diaper. For most of my childhood, William had been this almost mythical badass, off fighting the bad guys around the world. I knew now that wasn’t a realistic view of him, but it was still the picture of him I had in my mind. And that image didn’t fit with the one before me, telling me he could relate to my need to wrap Chase up and take care of him.
“Come on, we’re going to sit down.” I followed him out of the playroom to the bar. He grabbed a bottle and two glasses. I wasn’t much of a drinker, but I was willing to do just about anything to get him to stop seeing me like a little kid. William took a seat next to me, sliding a glass my way. “I know it’s weird talking about certain things with me, but I want you to know, whatever’s said between us stays here. If you’re even considering doing anything with your roommate, you owe it to both of you to be as informed as possible, so no one gets hurt.”
“I’d never hurt him,” I protested. Hell, he was so sweet, I doubted I’d even be able to spank him.
“Not physically, no. I know you, Jayden, and not once would I have thought you might physically harm anyone,” William explained, lifting the glass to his lips without taking a drink. He held it in front of him, staring into the distance like he was remembering something from his own past. He got that same haunted, faraway look sometimes. “Eventually, physical scars fade, sometimes to the point you forget they’re there. But emotional wounds never fully heal. I’d rather you talk about whatever’s bothering you with me, than say something that might make your roommate feel like he’s doing something wrong.”
“How can I be into…” I waved my hand in the general direction of the playroom. “How have I never realized I wanted someone to take care of? I feel like I should have figured that out sooner.”
“Sometimes, kinks are like food. Until you try something, you might not have an opinion one way or the other.” He took a sip of his whiskey and I did the same. Where he savored the liquid, I choked when it burned going down. He held up his glass. “Take alcohol as an example. Most people don’t go from never having a drink to savoring a well-aged whiskey. Some people eventually try it and hate it, while others develop an appreciation for it. Kink works the same way.”
Shit. That made a lot of sense. I was pretty sure I’d never fall into the category of loving whiskey but being Chase’s…something? That was something I was definitely on board with.
“How do I find out if he wants stuff?” I couldn’t bring myself to say the word diapers out loud.
“There are two trains of thought on that. One, you can man up and ask him. Yes, it’s going to be awkward as hell, but if he trusts you, it’s going to be the surest way to make sure the two of you are on the same page.”
Fuck. I didn’t want to do that. I got what he was saying but that didn’t make me eager about the prospect. “What’s my other option?”
“Take your cues from him and if he seems open to it, push him,” William suggested. “Sometimes littles struggle with opening up about what they want and need. That fear you have about admitting you’re a Daddy? Magnify that and you’ll know what he’s probably feeling.”
Shit. If William was saying that about the typical little, I could only imagine how difficult it was on Chase after what he’d gone through with his former roommate. And yet, he’d been brave enough to open up to me, even if only because I’d accidentally stolen his binkie. My respect and admiration for him grew ten-fold as William continued talking about how hard it was for littles to live their authentic, happiest lives.
“Which would you do?” He’d been in the lifestyle longer than I’d been alive. That made him a great ally to have on my side.
William shrugged. As badly as I wanted to give him hell for the dopey grin on his face, I kept my mouth shut. It would do me no good to tease the one person who could help me. And, this time, his distracted gaze was very much focused, although I couldn’t figure out what he was picturing behind the bar. “It depends on the boy, really.”
“On what?” My frustration grew the longer he talked in circles. I wanted him to lay out a set of steps I could follow to make sure I was doing right by Chase.
“For starters, are both of you new to the scene, or is this something he was interested before the two of you met?” It was a fair question since I’d been purposely vague the one time he and Chase had met.
A tender smile played at my lips as I thought about that first night he knew I knew about him. “No, he’s definitely the more experienced of us in this aspect.”
I threw in that qualifier, because the other part of my worry was that I knew he was utterly inexperienced in other things. I was starting to feel like being someone’s first was a hell of a lot of pressure. Whatever I gave him had the potential to shape anyone who came after me.
And, dammit, there was that burn in the center of my chest again. I didn’t like thinking about anything after, even though it was improbable two guys thrown together by nothing more than a vacant bed could make anything lasting.
“Then talk to him,” William urged me. “Your boy might surprise you.”
My boy.
My. Boy. God, I loved the way that sounded. After listening to William speak, I wasn’t even as opposed to someday being Daddy. We weren’t there yet, but if he decided that’s who I was to him, I would fold him in my arms and thank him for giving me that gift.
“Was there anything else?” William rounded the end of the bar and washed our glasses.
Ugh. I did not want to bring up the reason I’d called him in the first place. Learning a little more about the lifestyle was great, but…
“What about sex?” As soon as the question was out, I buried my face in my hands. I could feel my cheeks burning.
I still remembered the talk with Mom when I was fourteen. She was determined to make sure I didn’t make the same mistake she had. She was always careful to never use those words, but I knew damn well that getting knocked up by an immature asshole who’d run and never look back wasn’t something to emulate. To this day, I couldn’t eat bananas because of that discussion.
William collapsed onto his seat, groaning as he scrubbed his head. “You’re gonna have to be a bit more specific, Jayden. I love you, but I don’t think either of us want this to go off course.”
No, we absolutely did not. I wasn’t looking for Buttsex 101 or anything like that. I was well-acquainted with how gay sex worked. And unless they were all liars, the string of men I’d fucked throughout college could attest to the fact I was pretty damned good at it.
I bent down, thumping my head on the surface of the bar a few times. This was a ridiculous idea. And now that I’d brought it up, my uncle was going to be all helpful and not let it go.
“Please, do not give me the birds and the bees talk,” I pleaded. “Mom more than covered how sex works. What I need to know is if I’m supposed to want to have sex with Chase when he’s little or is that something for when he’s big?”
The broad smile and puffed out chest confused me.
“What? Why are you lookin
g at me like that?” When William kept on grinning like the damn cat that caught the canary, I smacked his bicep. “Seriously. Quit that. It’s creepy as fuck.”
When William started laughing, I joined him. I wasn’t sure what was so funny, but he looked like a damned loon, slapping the bar as he tried to catch his breath. “Sorry, I just… I never thought… Shit, give me a minute.” He took a few deep breaths to get control of himself. “Sorry, I was thinking about when Vivvie called to tell me you’d come out to her, and she wasn’t sure how to talk to you about gay sex. And now, you’re trying to navigate how to have sex with your boy, and I pictured her trying to have this talk with you.”
“Eww, that’s fucking disgusting.” I smacked him again, a bit harder this time. “You have no clue how traumatizing it was to not only have the overall sex talk—complete with condom on the banana training—but then to also have to sit through her telling me how to be a good partner to a boyfriend. I swear, the fact I’ve had sex at all is a damned miracle.”
That set my uncle off again, this time laughing so hard he had to wipe tears from his eyes. I glared at him. He waved at me to go on. “Anyway, if you’re done being an immature ass, this is a real issue. I don’t know if it’s okay to do sex stuff when he’s little. He keeps hinting about wanting to do it, but he always wants to be little when he can. What am I supposed to do?”
“If he’s hinting about wanting more, I think it’s time for you to grow a set and give your little boy what he needs.” I was almost proud of him for getting that out before he broke into a fit of laughter again. He sat up straighter and cleared his throat a few times. Watching him try to act serious made me wish I’d known my uncle better. This goofball side he was showing a peek of was fun. “Seriously, though, do what I said. If he’s not comfortable with something, trust that he’ll tell you that, too.”
I highly doubted it was going to be as simple as he suggested, but I was willing to give it a shot. The next trick was going to be figuring out how to make it something special for my boy.
11
Chase
Following Matt around campus while he hunted Pokémon wasn’t as fun as I’d originally thought it would be. I wanted to play with him, but either my parents had forgotten to pay my cell bill, or they’d found out I was living a life that displeased them and they’d cut me off. I knew, logically, that it wasn’t likely the latter, but I was having a hard time convincing myself it could be something as benign as a forgotten bill.
All I knew was I felt panicky and couldn’t do anything about it. My hand was stuffed deep in the pocket of my sweatpants, clutched tightly around the mini Pika Jay had insisted I carry with me. I didn’t want to be walking around campus with Matt; I wanted to be curled up in my bed with my binkie, waiting for Jay to get home and take care of me.
“Hey, you sure you’re okay? You’re not playing with me,” Matt pointed out. He motioned toward a building at the end of the block. “I’m a little hungry. Do you want to get ice cream?”
“I don’t know—” I pressed my lips tightly together to keep from finishing that protest. I couldn’t believe I’d been about to tell him I didn’t know if Jay would let me have ice cream before dinner. If I had a phone, I could text Jay and ask if it’d be okay. But I didn’t, so I had to be a functional adult and decide. “Maybe just a small one. I know Brandon’s making dinner later and I don’t want to upset him.”
“Deal, but maybe we shouldn’t tell him, just to be safe.” Matt winked at me. He grabbed my hand and started skipping through the park. Like, literally skipping. It was weird, but it was also fun. I shut down the voices telling me I looked stupid and threw my head back as I laughed and swung our arms. Maybe I did look silly, but more people needed to learn how to have fun like us.
Matt told me to get us a table while he ordered the ice cream. That was fine by me because it was way more peopley than my brain could take. It was an unusually warm day for so early in the spring, and it felt like every student had used the sunny weather as a reason to escape the confines of their room.
My eyes almost bugged out of my head when Matt started walking toward the wobbly table I’d secured for us. What he held in his hands could only be considered small if you were Hagrid. It was ginormous. Like, it was so big Matt had to use two hands to carry the monstrosity.
When he set it down on the table, I counted six scoops of ice cream—that I could see—topped with hot fudge, caramel, sprinkles, nuts, whipped cream, and yummy cherries. “Matt, we’re going to puke if we eat all that!”
“Yeah, but it’ll be worth it.” He waggled his eyebrows as he handed me one of the long spoons. He dug in while I gaped at the concoction. I pictured a small cup of vanilla with a little fudge on top, not this. I cocked my head one side and then the other, trying to figure out where to even start. “Come on, I promise I won’t tell Jayden, either.”
And just like that, my appetite vanished. I felt like I was going to be sick. There was something about the way he said it that made it crystal clear he knew something was going on. I could ask but, then again, I really couldn’t. Even thinking about what I might say to him got me more worked up.
Eventually, Matt pulled a napkin out of the dispenser and set down his spoon. “Okay, I’m probably going to get in trouble because I wasn’t supposed to say anything to upset you, but that’s not how I roll. Chase, look at me.”
No matter how much I wanted to, I couldn’t ignore the stern tone in Matt’s voice. Without raising my head, I lifted my gaze so I could see him. The expression on his face was somewhere between a smile and a pout. It was weird.
Someone bumped into me as a table behind us cleared out. Matt leaned in closer, even though there was so much noise it was impossible to make out the conversation’s others were having. “Do you know why Brandon makes breakfast every morning and dinner after classes, no matter how much homework he has?”
“Because he likes it?” At least that’s what Jayden had told me. He said Brandon wanted to go to culinary school, but he’d wound up here instead.
Matt leaned over far enough he had to push the sundae out of the way, so he didn’t get a glob of whipped cream on his shirt. “It’s so he can take care of me. He isn’t just my roommate, Chase. He’s my Daddy.”
“He’s what?” No way could I have heard him right. I pushed away from the table, not interested in being teased. “Stop it, Matt. You’re being mean now. I know it’s weird, but I can’t change who I am.”
I don’t know why I was still standing there, other than running out would cause a scene, and I didn’t want to do that. My heart felt like it was slamming into the back of my ribs and I could hear the blood rushing through my head. I didn’t like this. I didn’t want him knowing about me. I didn’t want him picking on me for it. I didn’t want him telling the other guys and getting me kicked out of another room. I didn’t want to leave my Jay, who told me I was cute and perfect just the way I was.
“Chase, can you sit down for a minute?” Matt pleaded. As mad as I was, I looked at him. He looked as sad as I was mad. I shook my head. My knuckles were white from how tightly I gripped the back of the metal chair. “I know it’s scary, because I feel the same way. I know it was wrong for me to say something when you aren’t ready, but I had to. I heard you and Jayden one night and I’ve been watching you guys together. I guess… Well, I thought maybe we could be friends because we get each other.”
Well poop. When he said things like that, it made sense. I pulled out the chair and sat back down. I scanned the room to make sure no one was looking at us. My tummy hurt when I pulled Pika out of my pocket and held him under the table where no one could see, unless they really looked.
“You mean it? You’re like me?” Matt nodded. I scrunched up my face and cocked my head to the side a little. “But you don’t look…”
Matt lifted his eyebrows, almost daring me to finish a stupid sentence. I got mad at myself because I knew better. How many times had I been shocked to come across a
big, burly guy, wearing nothing but a diaper with a paci in his mouth on the internet? If there was one thing my research should have taught me, it was that littles didn’t have a specific look. They could be any age or size. And here I was, about to tell Matt he couldn’t be little because he didn’t look like it.
“Sorry, that was dumb,” I quickly apologized. “This is just…it’s a lot to take in.”
I scooped up a huge bite of ice cream and fudge and stuffed it in my mouth before I said anything else dumb. I moaned and smiled when the slightly bitter notes of the fudge hit my tongue. This was the best fudge ever. Matt had a good idea with ice cream. It made everything better, and it was easier to talk when we could both give the sundae our attention.
“I promise, Chase, I wasn’t trying to make you uncomfortable. Da— Brandon told me I couldn’t say anything to you because it’s your secret to tell. But if you have a secret and I have the same one, and neither of us say anything about it, how are we supposed to know we have a friend we could play with right on the other side of the wall?” Matt rambled. I was used to that because he was always talking, but there was something different about it this time. He wanted me to understand that he wasn’t picking on me, he was trying to tell me I didn’t have to hide from him. “This is something that’s new for us, and it’s so confusing. I have all these feelings I don’t know what to do with. I look at stuff I shouldn’t like and wish I could have it.”
“You can,” I said softly, resting my hand on Matt’s arm. He looked like he needed a hug. “It is scary, but if Brandon’s your Daddy, he wouldn’t think bad if you have the things you want. He might even be madder if you don’t tell him.”