Finn

by Ahren Sanders

  “I’ll think about it. Can I eat in peace now?”

  “Hell no. Either you join us in the living room, or I bring the recliner in here. There’s a game on tonight.” Tripp wiggles his eyebrows, and I throw my head back in mental exhaustion.

  “Oh, for God’s sake, I’m sick of waiting!” Ember strolls in with Robbie behind her, looking at me with fire in his eyes.

  “Either you get your ass out here and eat with us, or I carry you. No way is my wife lying in bed with you, and there’s nowhere else to sit in this fucking room.”

  “Robbie!” Ember ignores him and scoots in next to me, hugging me carefully. Robbie growls, and I practically see steam coming from his ears. Usually, I’d think this was hilarious, but tonight, I can’t laugh, so I kiss her on the forehead and push up.

  “Okay, give me ten minutes. We’ll eat in the living room.” I eye Robbie as the others pile out. “You want to help me with the bandage?”

  “Fucking hell. Finally, you ask for help?”

  I grumble on the way to the shower and catch my reflection. I look like hell. My eyes are sunken and pale. The scruff on my face is a full-grown beard, unkempt and shaggy. The sweats I’m wearing are wrinkled and stink.

  Shit, I’m scaring myself.

  I turn on the shower and peel out of the clothes, pulling off the adhesive bandage covering the remains of my stitches. The shower helps relieve some of the tension in my shoulders, but nothing can help the aching in my heart. I grab my body wash and notice Presley’s shampoo still perched on the ledge.

  Memories flood my mind of washing her hair and fucking her up against the tile as she whimpered uncontrollably, trying to hold in her cries. I picture the way her wet hair plastered against her head and how she shook when I forced myself to let her go, then kissed her until the water ran ice cold.

  In such a short amount of time, she infiltrated my life so much that even showering becomes painful.

  Fuckin’ A, it’s time I start to move on.

  “I’m pissed at her, really fucking pissed.” Robbie’s bitter tone cuts through the bathroom. “Part of me wants to tell you to fuck her out of your system, but I know it’s not possible. That’s not how this works.”

  “Nope, you’d know. When we find it, we find it.”

  “So what can I do?”

  “Get out of my fucking bathroom so I don’t embarrass you with the size of my dick?” I shut off the water and grin at my lame attempt at humor.

  “Never happen, but you need anything, you say the word.”

  “Got it.” I slide the curtain halfway and grab the closest towel I can reach.

  “Jesus, you’re pitiful. Is that towel even clean?” He wrinkles his nose.

  “Hope so. You gonna watch or get the shit ready for my bandage?”

  “I’ll meet you in the bedroom. It has to be more sanitary that this atrocity.” He leaves while his words hang in the air.

  Atrocity is a word Presley would throw out on a whim…

  Maybe it’s time I find her and see exactly what happens when we’re face to face.

  “Pull over here and let me out,” I instruct Tripp and point to the ‘No Parking Zone’ in front of the K9 offices.

  “I’ll wait.”

  “Suit yourself.” I fold out of the car, cursing the fact I still can’t drive myself.

  I watch him park and give myself a second to mentally prepare for what I’m about to do. It was my choice to show up unannounced and take Presley off-guard. It was the only way to gauge an authentic reaction to seeing me after the way we left things in the hospital. Her calls, messages, and gifts have gone unacknowledged, but I know seeing the look on her face will tell me what I need to know.

  Is there anything worth fighting for?

  The receptionist greets me with a sexy smile and doesn’t hide her blatant stare as I approach.

  “Hi, I’m here to see Presley Chambers.”

  Her smile falters when she calls to the back. Then her eyes light up and she hangs up, giving me a pouty face. “You missed her. She’s at lunch with her boyfriend.”

  “Her what?”

  “The volunteer in back said she left with a man about forty-five minutes ago.”

  I don’t jump to conclusions, because obviously, it could be Johnny. I thank the lady and shut down her attempts to talk further, heading to Tripp’s truck. He’s on the phone, leaning against the back, and when I approach, his eyes go wide.

  “Son of a goddammed bitch to all fucking hell!” he hisses.

  I give him a crooked look then see what he’s focused on. Presley is walking across the street with her face directed up at the sky, laughing loudly. Her arm is linked with none other than the fucking safe and boring Russell glowing at her side.

  I watch him kiss her cheek before she turns to go into the building. He stares a little too long then swivels his face to mine.

  We lock eyes; he knows who I am and doesn’t hide his cocky smirk. The urge to beat his ass simmers from deep inside, but I swallow hard and give him a chin jerk, getting into the car.

  Tripp slams his own door and sits quietly for a second before yelling. “Fuck the doctor’s orders. Fuck the antibiotics and pain pills. You want to get drunk?”

  “No, man, take me home. I have some arrangements to make and a house to back out of.”

  Chapter 31

  Presley

  The world-class bitch of the year award goes to me.

  How could I be so fucking stupid? Stupid, stupid, stupid… I bang my head against my kitchen table over and over.

  “Are you still there? Have you banged some sense into your senseless, heartless, good-for-nothing head yet?” Reese screeches through the phone line.

  “It was harmless! I promise! Whatever he thought he saw, it was nothing. Absolutely nothing! It was lunch.”

  “Presley, you’ve fucked up. I pleaded with him to talk to you, just to look at you. I knew he’d melt on the spot. But, no, you have to fuck it all the fucking way up by walking up with Russell on your arm and letting him kiss your cheek. And you were laughing! Really, Pres? What the hell has Russell ‘the dud’ ever said that’s amusing? NOTHING!”

  “Reese! Stop! I feel bad enough. It was innocent and harmless. Russell was trying to cheer me up with a corny and tasteless joke. It was horrible. That’s why I was laughing.”

  “Great timing.” Venom spews from her voice, and I finally shatter.

  “What the fuck is wrong with you? You are my best friend, my sister in life, the one supposed to be holding my hand through this break-up. Instead, you have the gall to call and give me grief for the only smile I’ve cracked in weeks? How dare you!”

  I hang up and throw my phone across the sofa, stewing. This is a normal occurrence with us lately.

  She calls… I cry… she listens… I beg for advice… then I drive to Finn’s house with some sort of peace offering and a sliver of hope he’ll see me. None of it has worked out.

  The sound of a key in my lock sends a rush of hope through me.

  Has Finn come back?

  Reese walks in with a scowl on her face that quickly turns to disgust.

  “This place stinks!” She proceeds to open the front windows and walks around my apartment, looking like a runway model with her cashmere sweater, trouser pants, and gorgeous four-inch salmon heels, while I burrow into my sofa in two-day old yoga sweats. I get a whiff of myself and gag, but don’t let her see my embarrassment.

  “If it stinks, then leave.”

  “Nope, I’m taking over.” She storms to my kitchen and comes back with a look of panic on her face. “You have nothing. No wine, no food, no tequila, nothing!”

  “Haven’t exactly been to the store unless I bought food to make for Finn.” My voice cracks at my new reality.

  “Oh, honey.” She slips next to me and feathers the hair off my face, forcing me to look at her. “We’ll get through this.”

  “You’
re so mad at me.” My lips start to quiver, and I sense the breakdown creeping up.

  “I am mad at you, but I’m also your best friend, your sister in life, and the one holding your hand,” she repeats my words from earlier. “And I’m here now.”

  “Thank you.”

  “I’m going to the store for essentials. While I’m gone, you think you can get a bath or a shower? I’ll clean up and make you dinner when I get back.”

  “I miss him so much, Reese. Everything reminds me of him. I was an idiot, but I was scared. Even now, knowing how much I hurt, I’d probably make the same decision. If he’d have died that day, I’d be devastated. But give it a year and he died, I’d die along with him. This was for the best.”

  Her face fills with sympathy, and she leans in to kiss my forehead. “I respect that. I really do. Now, I’m done trying to make it work. No more badgering, no more blaming. I’m officially out. You both are incredible people, but sometimes, love isn’t enough. So let’s start the healing process with a girls’ night. I’ll be back in an hour.”

  I nod and get off the sofa, taking the blanket with me and throwing it in the washer as I head to my room. She turns on the alarm when she leaves, and I go back to the living room to find my phone.

  My finger lingers over Finn’s number for a good two minutes before I get the courage to press send.

  “Hello,” he answers sharply.

  “Please, don’t hang up.”

  “What’s up?”

  “It’s not what you think. Reese told me what you saw, and Russell is dating someone new. He came by to tell me about her and asked me to lunch. It was innocent and platonic and totally unromantic.”

  The line is quiet, except for the huffs of his breath. “Thank you for telling me.”

  “I’m sorry I missed you that day. I’d have loved to see you.”

  “Well, it’s for the best. Nothing’s changed, right?”

  “Actually, a lot has changed. I’ve been—“

  “Fiiiiiinnnnn, where are you?” A shrill, whiny female voice calls for him.

  “Look, Presley, I need to go. Maybe we can catch up when I’m back.” His tone is flat, sending a knife to my heart.

  “Where are you, exactly?”

  “I’m with Max in Virginia. I should go.”

  “But wait! Who was that?”

  “He has guests over. I can’t talk to you right now.”

  “Are you… are you hooking up with someone?”

  The line goes dead, and my heart splinters into a million pieces. I crumble on the floor and sob, screaming into the empty room, begging for another chance. I did this. My fear and uncertainties finally win. Everything comes crashing down, and I know I’ve made the biggest mistake of my life.

  For the ten days I’ve been attending these meetings, today was my day to talk. I went into it with the same preparations I’ve always relied on. My notes were precise, my thoughts were clear, and I even had tissues handy.

  But tonight, when I stood in the room of survivors, I saw Finn’s face everywhere. Well, except for the four chairs in the back of the room. Those were my family—Dad, Johnny, Reese, and an empty chair in respect of Simon. I wanted to speak on script, but with Finn’s face popping into my head, I choked and fumbled through my story. It was the story of why I found this survivor’s group and the meaning of it to me.

  I talked about my mom, my brother, and finally facing the loss of the man I loved and how it triggered something in me. People cried, people cheered me on, and people nodded in understanding. For the first time in years, I felt weightless.

  When I was done, Reese stood up and led a standing ovation with tears pouring down her cheeks. Dad and Johnny looked equally as moved, but didn’t make a spectacle.

  They stuck around, waiting for me to step off the small platform, then swarmed me with hugs and kisses. I held on until Dad started sniffling, claiming allergies. We agreed to meet at his house the next night, and everyone left as I mingled with the other members of the group.

  I leave the building with lightness in my step, saying goodbye to a few of the other women and walking to my car.

  There are two men leaning against my trunk, and I stop dead in my tracks. Not because I’m scared, but because I recognize Robbie and Tripp in the slight shadows.

  “I carry a taser gun, pepper spray, and I know kung fu!” I shout gingerly.

  They chuckle and come into the light with small grins.

  “What are you doing here?”

  Tripp gives me a head jerk then looks around, seeming bored. I’m not surprised. Since the night I broke down and Reese found me bawling on my floor, we haven’t spoken. Things were fragile after I left the hospital, but he was always cordial. However, the night Reese found me sobbing when she returned with groceries, she called him. He came over, got me in bed, and looked at me with raw hatred. His last words were, “You did this to both of you.”

  Robbie, on the other hand, has been somewhat decent. I found a prenatal Yoga and Pilates class for Ember to attend at the gym and try to join her. He’s come in to watch and drive her home, but rarely makes eye contact.

  So the two of them here is strange, but oddly, my mind doesn’t jump to conclusions.

  “We listened to you tonight. It was eye-opening for us.”

  Eye-opening? I spill my heart out, and these guys use the term eye-opening?

  I try not to sound offended, but it comes off as bitchy. “Glad you had your eyes opened.” I walk past them to my car and toss my purse to the passenger seat. Before I can get in, Tripp clears his throat.

  “You think Finn knows all that stuff?”

  “Not a chance. I didn’t know a lot of it until I went to see a counselor the week after we broke up. Dad insisted because I was almost comatose. I wanted to tell Finn, but he wouldn’t see me. When I finally talked to him, a hussy was calling his name from the other end of the phone as he visited Max.”

  “Don’t you think he has a right to know?” Robbie slices his eyes to Tripp in irritation, then looks at me with concern.

  “Yes, I think Finn has a right to know everything. But that ship has sailed. He told me he’d call me when he got back from his trip, and I haven’t heard from him.”

  “He’s hurt, Presley.” Robbie crosses his arms and widens his stance. If he’s trying to intimidate me, it backfires.

  “Well, so the fuck am I! I know what I did was juvenile, underhanded, backstabbing, ridiculous, off-the-cuff, betraying, hurtful, deceitful, despicable, shameful, irreprehensible, appalling, loathing, and UNFORGIVABLE!”

  “Oh, man, here we go.” Tripp whistles, but I’m on a roll.

  “I wake up every day, live through it, and go to bed every night knowing I fucked up! I don’t need you to show up and remind me of the ignorant mistake I made. Every single fucking minute of the day, I know. So why are you here?” I deflate against my door and sense the depression sinking in.

  The weight of my mistake with Finn plagues me, but seeing these guys brings it to the forefront of my mind. I wasn’t strong enough to be the woman for Finn; no need to remind me again.

  “Jesus Christ.” Robbie rushes to me as my knees finally give out. “That’s not what we meant.”

  Stars cloud my vision, and I let out a strangled cry. As hard as I try to stay still, I sag into Robbie, shaking.

  “You’re not driving. I’ll get you home,” he says into my hair, and I panic, leaning away from his grasp.

  “No, I’ll be fine.” I wriggle free. “Please, leave me alone.”

  “He’s hurting, Presley. You need to talk to him.”

  “I did, Robbie. Remember the call he answered with girls fawning over him? The same time he said he’d call me?”

  “He hasn’t been with anyone else. You’re it for him.”

  “Is that why you’re here, to pressure me into talking to him?”

  “Fuck no, we’re here because that jackass is moving.” Tri
pp throws his hands out in exasperation. “You need to make this right!”

  My heart drops. “Moving where?”

  “Virginia,” Robbie confirms.

  “Oh, shit, he’s really leaving me.” My throat burns.

  “He’s leaving all of us because of this shit. It’s time to settle it.” Tripp finally looks at me with a touch of tenderness. “We came to settle it.”

  I lay my head on Robbie’s shoulder and let it sink in. I have to do something to make this right.

  Evelyn looks around my apartment and zones in on the cluster of pictures taking up two of my bookshelves. She gives me a gentle smile, but it doesn’t conceal her disappointment with me.

  My hands tremble as I wipe my sweaty palms on my jeans. The jitters in the pit of my stomach roll into nausea, and I wonder for the tenth time if this was a mistake.

  “Thank you for coming. I’m sure this puts you in an awkward position, but I promise not to take up too much of your time,” I spit out.

  “It’s only awkward if anyone finds out.”

  “He doesn’t know you’re here?”

  “It would be a big conflict, don’t you think? He’s in pain, stumbling through life and making rash decisions because he’s heartbroken. Me coming here to see the very girl who caused the pain may push him deeper down the spiral, so no, he doesn’t know I’m here.” Her words are clipped and rash, slicing into me.

  “I’m so sorry. This was never supposed to happen. It’s all my fault.”

  “What’s done is done, Presley. I came here today because I respect you and needed to see for myself how this break-up was affecting you. Finn won’t talk to us, but a mother knows when her child is in agony. The second we walked into that hospital room in Baton Rouge, I knew what was happening, but I could only hope it worked itself out. Obviously, that didn’t happen.

  “Now that I’ve seen you, it’s apparent you’re as bad off as him. So why am I here?”

  “Evelyn, you have every right to hate me, but I need your help. I’ve seen the error of my ways and fought like hell with myself internally to rationalize my actions. But nothing works. It all boils down to being a big fat idiot with a penchant for fear.” I fall to my sofa and lean my elbows on my knees, staring at the floor, not able to take her disapproving glare. “You may not believe me, but I love Finn with every fiber in my soul. When I left him in the hospital, I also left behind a huge chunk of my heart. I tried to get him to talk to me, and it was useless. Then I gave him space.