by CC MacKenzie
Gusts of icy wind nipped at her cheeks, brought a tear to the eye.
They strolled across the vast lawn of pristine snow towards the river.
Eve pressed her mouth into her muffler and shoved gloved hands deep into her coat pockets.
Turning to walk backwards to study her face, Matt grinned.
"You look cute," he told her.
She wore a sheepskin aviator hat the colour of clear honey. It had cost a fortune in the Ludlow Hall shop, but he'd plonked it on her head and insisted she wear it. The wind swirled powdery snow around them and she had to admit the hat had been one of his better ideas.
Taking a deep inhale, the freezing air stung icy needles in her throat, her lungs, but she didn't care.
She felt so much better outdoors walking through the white field, breathing fresh air.
The river was swollen, fast running and they strolled alongside the bank, each lost in their own thoughts.
"When did you find out?" he asked now.
"Six weeks ago. I've never been pregnant before so I was a little bit slow on the uptake and went to the doctor thinking I had a virus."
Now he tucked his chin into his muffler, the woollen beanie was pulled low on his head, all she could see were blue eyes narrowed against the wind and his nose.
He shook his head. "I'm sorry I let you down."
She heard genuine regret and her stupid heart couldn't help but respond. "I know you don't want this..."
He kept his eyes on hers as he took her gloved hand. "Do you want this? Did you ever think..." He stopped dead and again shook his head. "I'm sorry, I don't mean..."
He might not be able to say it, but Eve knew exactly what he meant.
"You mean have an abortion?" The word made him flinch but she kept her eyes on his. Temper burned too bright in her heart, in her belly. So this was what the little walk in the snow was all about? To quiz her why she hadn't killed her child? she thought, completely forgetting that the walk in the snow had been her idea in the first place. "Never."
Then she swung around to trudge back to Ludlow Hall.
Matt grabbed her upper arm and turned her round to face him blue eyes sparking with outrage.
"I didn't mean..."
Her eyes searched his.
She read dismay and regret and that regret had her temper spike.
"Yes you did. I'm a single woman with my whole life ahead of me. I've a stellar career so it would make sense for me to decide not to keep a baby. Right? And no one would ever know. Right?" Now her voice rose and his face went too pale. "Hell, in your world it probably happens every day, doesn't it? It's a logical question and you have every right to ask it. But I couldn't even consider it."
"Will you please stop putting words in my mouth that aren't there?" he roared against the wind.
She tried to pull away but his own temper glittered in his eyes as he grabbed her other arm and lifted her right off her feet.
Alarmed, she stared into eyes as black as night and her heart went crazy in her chest.
Omigod.
He was absolutely furious with her.
Chapter Eleven
Matt was a big strong man.
His strength was something he never took for granted. He was always careful with women. And it appalled him now to find that he was so angry he'd forgotten that strength with Eve. A woman who was carrying his child.
He let her go as if she'd burned him and took a hasty step back.
The woman was driving him fucking nuts.
"I shouldn't have grabbed you like that. I'm terribly sorry. I..."
Now she stepped into him, tilted her head to look up into his face.
"You didn't hurt me so stop looking like a smacked puppy." The smacked puppy comment made him want to grab her again to kiss her smart mouth. Before he could open his mouth she continued, "I think what you're trying to ask me is why am I keeping the baby?"
Gloved hands scrubbed his face before his eyes met hers and he gave a single nod.
"It's because I don't want history to repeat itself." She paused and took a shaky breath before continuing, "I didn't have the best start in life."
It was a reluctant admission and it struck him that he'd never noticed the deep sadness in those spectacular eyes before. In fact, he wondered if she was aware just how much sadness there was in her eyes, her voice.
"Your childhood was rough?"
Her brows knitted as she turned to stare unseeing over the river and Matt's arms ached with the need to hold her close, to offer comfort. "It's tricky for a person to describe something she finds hard to understand herself. My mother made sure I had the best childhood she could manage considering she worked two low paid jobs to keep a roof over our head and food on the table." Now as she turned back and slowly began to walk back to Ludlow Hall, she glanced at him. "I was happy enough. I had plenty of friends, a small but immaculately clean home, an education..." she paused when Matt shook his head. "What?" she demanded.
"Doesn't sound like too much to expect for any child." He frowned. For the first time since black ice had wiped out his entire family Matt wondered if perhaps his loss hadn't been the dark hole he'd always believed it to be. While he'd had them at least he'd had love, support, tender loving care and understanding from his parents, his brother. Now he stared into her beautiful but stubborn face. "Did your parents love you?"
"In her own way my mother did," she said, and at the look in his face, tilted her chin. "She did her best. She worked very hard."
"Father?"
She shook her head and continued to walk very slowly. "Didn't want to know. I was seventeen when my mother died. He didn't even come to the funeral. As far as I'm concerned the man doesn't exist."
How could any father turn his back on such a beautiful girl?
Matt didn't have any trouble imagining what a young Eve had looked like. All legs and soft skin and big eyes. Fury with the man who'd been so careless with her heart, her personal safety, rose in his chest, filled his lungs with absolute outrage. He knew the modelling world was full of blood suckers and a certain type of man who would have been attracted to the vulnerability that he now recognised and understood was buried deep in Eve. Buried under a tough don't-mess-with-me facade that she portrayed to the world. The fact she'd survived apparently unscathed was nothing short of a fucking miracle.
How could a real man have left such a lovely girl alone in the world to fend for herself?
Bastard.
Matt wanted to hug her so badly it hurt. To hold her, to physically take that sadness from her heart to absorb it into his.
He gave a soft laugh. A sound between pain and heartbreak. And for the first time in his life found himself opening up. "My mom made me laugh, cry, hugged me tight, cheered me on and caught me when I fell. I was eighteen when I lost my family. And I miss my mom every single day."
"What happened to them?"
"Black ice. I was out with my pals raising merry hell one winter night while my family burned." He shook his head. "Christmas isn't exactly a happy time of year for me. I like to be alone." This time of year was always a personal challenge for him. Even though he lived and worked in the public eye, for years he'd emotionally closed himself off. Except on stage and screen where he could let go, explore the complex emotions of love and loss in a safe environment. He'd compensated in his own way, Matt realised now, after the trauma of losing his family, by throwing himself into his chosen career. Learning the craft, mastering every tool in an actor's vast toolbox, he had a need to explore the skill set behind the camera, too. Recently, he'd explored a different path by producing and directing a short film for a wounded soldier's charity. He was tired. Tired of the parties. Tired of the press. And most of all tired of himself and his behaviour. Especially his behaviour towards the wonderful woman who stood beside him and was carrying his child. Matt wondered now if the scars that ran deep in his heart and soul over the loss of his family would ever truly heal.
"I'm so sorry for you
r loss, Matt."
Swimming eyes held his as her hand gripped his arm.
And right there was the connection.
Why hadn't he seen it before?
Like him, she was independent, hugely successful and alone.
And terribly, terribly... sad.
Looking into whisky coloured eyes he wondered if she understood just how desperately sad she was.
Now those eyes went dark with a firmness of purpose. "Matt, my journal is, was, a safe place for me to unload my thoughts. You invaded my privacy. Worse, you betrayed my trust."
She was right.
But that didn't stop him trying to climb out of the big deep hole he'd dug for himself.
"When we met you said you didn't want or were looking for a relationship. But that wasn't the truth, was it?" he demanded now absolutely determined to make his valid point.
Those golden eyes flared.
"Of course it was the truth. So because you've read my journal you've decided I've somehow tricked you? I wrote that long before we met. How arrogant are you? I didn't want a relationship with you." She walked away and walked back. Her eyes flew to his and he read sincerity in her vivid gaze. "Yes, my plan at some point in the future was that if I met the right man I'd like a home and a family - with him." Her eyes stayed dead on his and Matt's heart beat too fast at the disdain in her eyes. "You are not that man."
Her words hurt.
But what hurt more was the fact that she wasn't going to give him a chance.
"Why did you tell me about the baby if you've already decided that I am not good enough for you?"
Now her chin lifted.
Her face might be pale but he read absolute determination in those fabulous eyes and he knew he'd never love anyone as much as he loved her right at that moment. Dear God, she stood there like a warrior. Eve was fucking amazing.
"Because you have a moral right to know you are going to be a father. Because our child has the right to know its father as well as its mother. Because if something were to happen to me I need to know that child will not be left alone in the world."
And right there Matt recognised the pain and the fear in her eyes, heard it in the break in her voice.
He understood it.
Of course their child was never going to be alone in the world.
But he realised that Eve was absolutely terrified for the future. Not for herself but for their child. And all of this, her worrying herself to death, the whole sorry mess, was all his own fault.
What the hell was he going to do to make this right?
What he wanted to do was to hold her, snuggle her on his knee, and tell her everything was going to be okay.
"You won't consider the positives between us?" he asked now.
"Like?"
"We're incredible in bed."
"You have a one track mind," she said dismissively.
"You have to admit we have good sex."
She pouted. "I do admit it. Do not smile at me like that," she warned.
The snap in her voice didn't dim his smile neither did the look in her eye that told him she wanted to belt him.
"You enjoy making a woman's knees weak, don't you?" Her voice was almost a snarl.
"Darling Eve," he replied absolutely seriously. "The only woman who makes me weak at the knees is you."
Her sigh of irritation told him she didn't believe a word he said and tightened the heavy muscle between his thighs. Christ, she was killing him.
"Your actions do not match your words."
Annoyance at the disgust in her tone made his voice hard. "I want more from you than a warm body in the night."
"Sex is all you think about," she shot back.
His temper went up another little click.
"Wanna know what I'm thinking about now?"
Eyes glued to his her brows rose. "Not particularly."
He grabbed her.
The growl as he boosted her up on her toes and brought her face to face with him made her breath hitch and her cheeks burn. And that burn told him all he needed to know. She still had feelings for him, the little tremble in her mouth and the desire in those golden eyes proved it.
"This," he said.
And took her mouth.
Matt brushed his lips to hers planning to be gentle. But that plan disappeared when he savoured her.
"God, how could I have forgotten what you taste like," he murmured then his mouth crushed her strangled response.
His tongue slipped between lips that parted for him. And then her arms were around his neck, pulling him closer, her mouth already exploring moving urgently under his.
He devoured her, there was no other word for it, using lips and tongue and teeth, nipping, teasing, possessing. Lips clung to lips to taste, to take.
Her moan snapped him back to their surroundings.
Tearing his mouth from hers Matt pressed it against her throat as he scrambled to keep a shaky hold on sanity. He needed her, needed to feel her warm and willing and wet. Desire rushed between his legs with a sting that killed him.
"God, I need you so much, baby."
She was so precious to him, didn't she realise that?
Hadn't she known he would do this to her?
Take her right to the edge with just a kiss? But then it had never been just a kiss between them had it? Now Eve wondered how she'd gone so long without the dark, dangerous taste of him. How was she going to live without the flavour of him flowing through her system? Without the feel of those strong arms holding her tight. And God knew she needed him to hold her tight.
She was deaf to the howl of the wind, didn't feel the icy slap of snow on her face. All she could feel was his mouth moving on hers and all she heard was her own heart thundering in her ears.
"Matt..." She drew back. She knew he wanted her, she wanted him too.
But there was still so much to sort out between them.
Their gaze locked while his arms held her, keeping their bodies close. There was strength in his face, in his eyes. Blue eyes that had gone almost black with an intensity, with an earnestness that begged her to trust him.
"In films other people write my lines, but in real life I find it hard to find the right words. We seem to have trouble expressing ourselves other than through sex. I think we need to work on our communication skills," he admitted with a gravity that rocked her. "You are a big part of my life, Eve. To be honest you've been a big part of it for months. Okay, I didn't think I wanted you. I was wrong." He shook her and still his eyes never left hers. "I was wrong."
His touch was gentle now but it was the need in his voice and in his eyes that left Eve confused and unsteady and so terribly aroused.
How did he do this to her every single time?
Those vivid blue eyes were so intense it hurt her to take a breath.
I want you too, she admitted to herself and wondered if she'd ever be able to say no to this man?
"I'm still mad at you."
His hands on her shoulders gripped tight. "I know. I deserve it."
She read a sincerity that touched something deep inside her.
The thought of exposing what was in her heart terrified her but she needed her feelings to be crystal clear.
Her voice wobbled. "Matt, you walked away. My future and my child's future is not about the person who walks away. My future and my child's future is about the person who stays for the ride. Your choice."
By the way she was trembling he saw how much it cost her to find the courage to articulate what was in her heart.
The words she'd spoken with such bravery made his heart ache for her.
Matt couldn't take his eyes from her clear skin, those too-bright eyes, the ski-slope pixie nose and that fabulous mouth. The delicate white musk floral scent she wore seemed to surround him.
"There's nothing tremendously unique about me," he admitted now. "I'm a successful actor. Success is a double-edged sword. I work in an industry that wants to manipulate me, pamper me and break me. It'
s a rollercoaster existence. I wasn't looking for you to enter my life. And for a while my feelings for you scared me so much that I walked away." His gloved hand stroked her cheek, as he stared deep into those golden eyes. "I'm not walking away now, Eve. Because I've realised you centre me. Having a baby with you means more to me than I could ever have dreamed of. And the child will give me more than I can give it. Our child will anchor me to help me remain rooted in the real world. Being with you will keep me grounded. That's what family does. I realise that taking care of you, giving you and our child everything I have in my heart is the balance I need. I need you, Eve. I need the life we can build together. I love you so very much. Please give me a chance."
Chapter Twelve
He loved her?
Eve's battered heart soared wanting so badly to believe him.
But her head was quite a different matter.
She just couldn't get over the fact that he'd willingly walked away from something very special.
The flash of hope in her eyes drained away to leave a wary uncertainty that drove him mad.
She shook her head.
Frustration with her but most of all with himself for causing her to doubt him made his voice harsh. "You haven't a clue, do you?"
"I don't believe you." She pulled out of his arms and backed away.
He moved closer. "You haven't the foggiest about how I feel about you."
Now those whisky eyes snapped. "I'm not a mind reader."
"I'm crazy in love with you."
Her perfect brows shot into her hairline. "Ignoring my messages and my calls is not the act of a man who loves a woman." Her tone was one of utter disbelief and it killed him.
Frustration made Matt want to tear his hair out.
"It is if the man couldn't cope with his feelings. They were too much. I couldn't handle them."
"But you can handle them now?"
"Oh yeah."
She stood absolutely still, the wind whipping around her as she stared up into his face.