Hockey Holidays

by Toni Aleo

  Yeah, I’d do that.

  “I was going to send you flowers, but I won’t apologize for loving you.”

  “You shouldn’t have to.”

  “You’re right.”

  He reaches for my hand, lacing our fingers together. “I get it. You’ve been burned, but Grace, I won’t do that—”

  “I’m pregnant.”

  Well, no beating around the bush, Adler.

  A billion different emotions flash over James’s face as he gazes into my eyes. Soon, he is blurry from my tears. “I’m so sorry. I guess we weren’t careful enough, but I’m right at four weeks. I’m super sorry—”

  “Why are you apologizing?”

  I wipe away a tear before I shrug. “I don’t know. We never talked about kids because, let’s be honest, it wasn’t supposed to be more than just screwing around.”

  Annoyance fills his beautiful features. “You still believe that?”

  “I do. I’m not worth your time.”

  “I disagree.”

  “James, for real. No one ever wants me after a while—”

  “Well, I want you now, tomorrow, and forever.”

  “James, listen. I don’t want you to feel like you’re obligated to me. We can raise this baby as friends—”

  “No,” he says immediately. “Your being pregnant doesn’t make me feel obligated to you. The fact that I love you obligates me to be with you, love you, and show you how it is when a real man loves a woman.”

  “Wow. Real Michael Bolton there, guy.” I say that because his words are too deep. They’re too much of a promise I know he can’t keep.

  But he doesn’t laugh. “Grace, this is a blessing. I want you, I want our child, and I know you’ll love me. You just need a bit more time.”

  A lump forms in my throat as I look away, shaking my head. “I really like you. You’re an amazing guy. But give up on the idea of us together. I’m not worth it. I’m hopeless, and you’ll only get hurt in the end.”

  “Or we’ll live a damn good life together, raising our children.”

  “It’s only one.”

  “I mean after this one.”

  I’m speechless as I gaze up at him. “James—”

  “Listen. You remember when we danced to ‘To Make You Feel My Love’?”

  I nod, biting my lip to keep it from wobbling. “Yeah.”

  “I held you, and all I could think was I wanted to do everything the song said. So, let me. Give me a chance. See if you fall for me. And if by the time the baby comes, you still don’t love me, then I’ll leave you alone. But until then, I’m going to love the hell out of you, and you’re not gonna be able to resist me.”

  When his lips break into a wide grin, I shake my head. “You’re setting yourself up for failure.”

  With such beautiful confidence, James says, “Or the biggest win of my life.”

  What did I get myself into?

  September 3rd

  “Mom! It’s a boy!”

  My mom squeals on the other end while James holds up the ultrasound pictures, his head tilting to the side as he looks at them. “And we’re sure that’s a penis and not just his toe?” he asks.

  “Don’t you see the resemblance?” I tease, and he glares.

  “Har-har.”

  I laugh as I shake my head. “Yes, that’s his penis! Can you believe it, Mom? A little boy to play hockey and be amazing. I’m so stoked.”

  “Me too, my love. I wish it was a girl. All the bows. I love bows.”

  I roll my eyes. “But a boy, Mom. Hockey.”

  “Girl, I’ve done my fair share of hockey. You’ll see.”

  I grin in excitement at James, who is beaming too. “He’s gonna be so talented and so handsome.”

  “Well, he does have two very good-looking parents,” my mom offers.

  “I couldn’t agree more,” I say, and James and I share a look. “Okay, Mom, let me call you later.”

  “Of course. Love you, sweetie.”

  “Love you,” I say softly as James wraps his arm around my waist.

  I see in his eyes that he wishes I would say that to him. And to be honest, I don’t know why I just don’t. Things between us have been absolutely amazing. As he promised, he has spoiled me with gifts and words galore. If we don’t see each other in the morning, he sends me a text to tell me he loves me and that I’m beautiful. I’ve spent the better part of the last three months puking my brains out, and James has held my hair for most of it.

  I want to say that I allow myself to enjoy him, that I crave him. And a part of me does, but the other part is so cautious. Pregnancy has made me even more of a pain in the ass. I feel drained. I’m hungry and just tired. James is so patient, though. It’s as if he isn’t fazed by my outbursts or even my insecurities. He just loves me. It’s so unreal, and I can’t help waiting for the other shoe to drop. I know any other woman would put her claws into James and never let go. But the thing is, I care too much about him to trap him with me.

  What if his soul mate is still out there?

  What if it’s not me?

  We’ve gone past the three-month mark in our relationship, but six is coming up, and I can’t shake the idea that he’ll get tired of me. I’m not truly convinced I am the woman for him, and that makes me incredibly sad. He’s just so wonderful, so perfect, so kind, while I’m sharp-tongued, a little rough around the edges, and I’ve been hurt over and over again. I’m a poster child for insecurities, but he treats me like I’m brand-new. Not the least bit damaged. So, why am I fighting it?

  “So, a question.”

  I lean into him as I gaze at the ultrasound. I was so scared at first about having a child, but now, I can’t wait. I want to hold my baby. “Yeah?”

  “Since you are feeling better now, I think you should start your own company.”

  I groan. This is a conversation we have daily. “James, I told you. I’m not taking your money.”

  “Fine. What if I start the business and you run it?”

  I roll my eyes. “You know I’m not stupid, right?”

  He chuckles before kissing my temple. “I’m aware. But you need to make money. You say it all the time. So, do it. Run my company. I don’t have time.”

  I roll my eyes even though I want to say yes so bad. I miss working, and I’m tired of mooching off Shea and James. I want to make my own money, be able to support my child for when James decides he’s tired of my shit. But if I do this, what happens when he does? Will he fire me too? My chest feels heavy as I shrug. “I don’t know.”

  “Think about it.”

  “Okay,” I agree as we get to his car.

  “Next question.”

  “Wow. Loads of questions today.”

  He laughs. “Maybe.” I smile, and he returns it, though his is wider. “Have you thought of a name for the little guy?”

  I bite my lip. “I’d love to name him Ryan, after Shea’s middle name.” James doesn’t seem surprised, and that fills me with such delight. “And then James after you.”

  He nods. “So, Ryan James?”

  “Yes,” I say slowly. “Do you like it?”

  He leans into me, holding me close to him. “I love it almost as much as I love you and him,” he says, pressing his hand to my growing belly.

  Tears rush to my eyes as I gaze up at him. He quickly kisses the tip of my nose. “But I get to name the girl.”

  I grin at him, and I hate how hopeful I feel. “James—”

  “Shh. Don’t ruin this for me.”

  I snort. “Fine.”

  “Now, what are you doing Saturday?”

  I shrug. “Nothing.”

  “That’s right, because I’m taking you somewhere.”

  I eye him. “Do I need a pretty dress?”

  He leans into me, kissing my nose again. “Baby, you always need a pretty dress.”

  I don’t know why, but hearing him say that makes my cold, dead heart burst to life like the fires of hell are coming for me.


  September 7th

  I stand in the middle of a beautiful field of small white flowers. So many, they cover the field like a huge blanket. After a ten-minute walk, we entered this field that seems to go on for miles. I glance around, confused, but James just looks back at me, grinning from ear to ear. The air is cool but feels good. The sun is shining, making the field seem even bigger and brighter.

  Almost like James’s eyes.

  “I knew it.”

  I raise a brow. “Knew what?”

  “That you’d look stunning in this field.”

  My heart skips a beat as he takes my hand, pulling me with him. “Those one-liners get me every time.”

  He kisses the side of my mouth. “That’s the plan.”

  When he winks at me, I smile before asking, “What is this?”

  “The land for our future home.”

  I blink. “I’m sorry, what?”

  He holds up his other hand. “I love Shea, don’t get me wrong. But I feel we need our own place to raise our son.”

  “But, James—”

  “Hear me out.”

  We reach the middle of the field, and I wish I could look around, take in the beautiful splendor, but James has my attention. He hasn’t even said what he wants to say, but my heart is already jackhammering in my chest.

  “I know, baby. I know you’ve been hurt. And listen, we can beat that horse until it’s dead, but I’d rather not. I’d rather look at our future.” He places his hand on my stomach. “And, Grace, it’s gonna be one hell of a future.”

  “This is a beautiful spot, but I don’t want to live so far out.”

  He nods thoughtfully. “Okay, then we’ll look somewhere closer in town.”

  I swallow hard, feeling very overwhelmed. “James, I’m scared—”

  “I’m not done,” he interrupts. “I know you’re scared. I know this all freaks you out, but Grace, this is one promise I can make and know I’ll keep. I’ll never love anyone the way I love you. I already love our son, but still, the love I have for you is extraordinary. You’re mine always. I just don’t understand how you can’t see that you light up my life. You blow my world apart. Damn it, Grace, when I said I wouldn’t leave you, I meant it. From deep inside me.”

  Of course, the tears flood my eyes and fall down over my cheeks.

  “I thank my lucky stars that you looked at me and asked me to stay that night. I am so thankful that we were so passionate for each other, we may have forgotten a condom, and in return, we got this amazing baby. This home we’re gonna build, wherever it turns out to be, is where we are going to die, and then we can become ghosts and haunt the kids.”

  Through my tears, I grin. “Oh, James.” When he drops to one knee, I cover my mouth. “What are you doing?”

  He reaches into his pocket, and when he looks up at me, there are tears in his eyes now too. “I’m about to propose to you with the ring I bought on April fourth.”

  I gasp as he opens the box, a huge, stunning diamond sparkling up at me. “April fourth? Wasn’t that the day I got sick at the club?”

  “The day after that night. That night when I knew I wouldn’t love anyone else but you.”

  “Oh my God, James. You’re killing me,” I cry, but he just smiles.

  “I love you, Grace. And I made sure to ask Shea. He’s behind me one hundred percent.”

  He pauses to let that sink in, and a sob escapes my lips. “You asked my brother.”

  “He’s your best friend. I had to make sure he was cool with me being with you for the rest of our lives.”

  “Dammit, James,” I cry. “You’re making this so hard.”

  “Hard to say no? Good. Marry me, Grace.”

  The lump in my throat is choking me as the tears fall hard and fast down my face. As I stare into his eyes, I want to say yes. I do. But it’s just so soon. I fall to my knees and scoot closer to him, wrapping my arms around his back. He looks at me, and I know he knows what I’m about to say. “James, it’s way too early for me. I mean, we haven’t even hit six months, and I just know you won’t want me long term. I get it. Your heart is awesome and beats for me, but mine is dead and doesn’t work or something. I don’t know. I’m so sorry—”

  “Stop,” he demands, his nose pressing into mine as he inhales deeply. “So, at six months, you’ll say yes. I’ll ask you every day just in case.”

  “James, are you sure? I mean—”

  “Yes, this isn’t just sex. And you know it. This is love. You love me. You’re just too scared to admit it.”

  Do I love him?

  “I don’t know that to be true,” I blurt, and I know he doesn’t like that answer. I feel awful, and I hate the look in his eyes. “But I do know I want to take you up the offer of running your business.”

  Something flashes in his eyes. “That is a start…”

  “But not enough? I understand—”

  “You are enough. You are everything. It’s a start because it means you trust me, which means you really love me. You’re just too scared to admit it. So, we’ll revisit this in two months.”

  God, he’s ruthless.

  Why does that turn me on?

  November 22nd

  “I think I need to work.”

  James gives me an exasperated look before reaching to take a shirt out of his suitcase. With the NHL taking a break, except for the two teams that are playing today, Shea, James, and I were able to fly up to Boston for Thanksgiving. I am so thankful to be home, especially since this is James’s first Thanksgiving eating a home-cooked meal made by my mom. He hasn’t had a family dinner in years, so I’m excited for him. Problem is, my brain won’t stop working.

  We opened Planning Your Moment a month ago, and it’s doing fantastic. I do a lot of work for James, but he also referred me to a bunch of his clients. Since everyone trusts and loves James, I’m swamped with work. He even got Bryan Fisher to hire me for the Assassins’ Christmas party. I’m sure Jackie is losing her shit over that one, but she did key Shea’s truck and slash his tires when he broke up with her. After that, she blackballed me with all the other event planners in town. I couldn’t find work, so I’m not that heartbroken over her dismay.

  I hear my mom bustling around in the kitchen, and my belly rumbles with a kick from my boy and my need for food. James glances over at me, a small smile playing on his lips. “You need to eat, and we came to spend time with your family.”

  “I understand this,” I say, resting my stapler on my stomach. “But you’re the one who has gotten me all this work.”

  “And you’re the one insisting on working until the day you have him.”

  “Hey, I have to work.”

  “Hey, I got you,” he says in response, and then he leans on the bed, his lips coming for mine. “I’ve always got you,” he whispers before kissing my lips softly.

  I don’t let him get far before I whisper back, “I know, but I like contributing too.”

  Not sure what I contribute to since I still refuse to move in with James. As a result, we’re doing sleepovers at each other’s places. He did make me pick house plans with him for a new spot that we chose. I don’t know what the hell I’m thinking with all that, but I just feel so guilty for letting James down left and right. The house thing was something I could give him. Construction is supposed to be done on the new house before Ryan comes. The problem is, I still don’t know if I’ll be raising my son at Shea’s or with James in the home he is building for us.

  I don’t know what’s wrong with me. He’s basically handing me the perfect life on a platter, and I’m resisting. It’s pathetic, but I’m just so scared. It all seems great, but I know, I just know, something will go wrong. It’s all too good to be true. He’s utterly perfect.

  James cups my jaw, kissing my bottom lip. “I really like you pregnant.”

  I furrow my brows. “James, be real. I’m the size of a whale.”

  “A sexy whale. Like a killer whale,” he teases, and I giggle.

&nbs
p; “You’re insane.”

  “What?” he says, crawling on the bed and knocking stuff off my lap.

  “James!”

  “Shut it,” he demands, kissing me. Against my lips, he says, “I can’t be totally attracted to the mother of my son, the girl of my dreams, my heart?”

  My eyes drift shut. “You’re killing me, Smalls.”

  “Good.” He kisses me once more, and when it deepens, I start to get excited. I don’t know what it is about pregnancy, but I am ready to go anytime. I’m so damn horny.

  But life likes to mess with me.

  A knock comes to the door before Shea says, “Hey guys, dinner is ready.”

  James pulls away, grinning. “Guess you’ll get a special dessert after dinner,” he says with a wink, and I snort.

  “Dork.”

  “You love it.” He gets off me, going back to his suitcase. As I watch him, I can’t help but think I do. I love everything about him, but still, I know this isn’t forever. Which may make me the dumbest person on the planet, for James can only be so patient.

  Before he leaves me.

  After dinner…

  After stuffing my face, I lean back in my chair, balancing my drink on my stomach. “Mom, I’m dead.”

  Mom laughs softly as she takes a sip of her wine. “It was good.”

  “It was, Mrs. Adler. The best dinner I’ve ever had.”

  Mom points to James. “Pretty sure I told you to call me Mom and him Dad.”

  I want to laugh when my dad nods, but I can’t. Everyone loves James. They adore him. And then there is me. Keeping him at arm’s length. It’s not fair at all—for either of us. Just looking at him, I’m awestruck by his handsome and beautiful face. He’s so kind to my family. He jokes, he laughs, and he loves. God, he loves them all.

  Especially me.

  His face is a little red, and I love that. Dad has been giving him shit for knocking me up, and he takes it in stride. Shea joked that he did it to keep me, and while everyone laughed… Well, I wasn’t laughing.