Behind the Bars

by Brittainy Cherry

  Chapter Thirty-One

  Jasmine

  When morning came, both Elliott and Laura were back bright and early. TJ was in and out of being awake for a few hours, and he no longer needed the oxygen mask, which made me happy.

  “A welcoming party for little ol’ me?” TJ remarked, lying helpless in the hospital bed. His speech was a bit slurred—the doctors had warned us about that—and he looked so tired. Seeing him that way made my stomach knot up with fear. His eyes were slightly open, and I noticed a small shake in his left hand, but I tried my best to not reveal my concern.

  “You scared me, TJ,” I said, walking over to him and kissing his forehead.

  “You scared all of us,” Laura agreed.

  “Even the dark shadow standing far away in the doorframe?” he asked.

  We all turned to see Elliott, who was keeping his distance. His hands were stuffed into his dark jeans, and there was hardly any emotion to be read on his face. “Even me.”

  TJ opened his mouth to speak, but instead of words, he began to cough, making us all hurry to his side. He shook his head, saying he was okay.

  “Just take it slow,” Laura instructed. “Son, can you get that cup of water on the windowsill for him?”

  Elliott walked by me, slightly brushing my arm, and my soul began to burn.

  I shook my head, trying to force the nerves away. I turned back to TJ as he sipped the water. “I was getting nervous you weren’t going to make it.”

  “I always show up, maybe not always on time”—he winked—“but I always show up.”

  A nurse stepped into the room, somewhat surprised to see us all standing there in the small space. “Hi, I’m Nurse Rose. I’m in charge of watching over TJ for the next few hours of my shift, and although I’m sure you’re all excited to see him, I’m afraid we’re going to keep it to family members only at this time.”

  “Don’t you s-see it, Rose?” TJ murmured. “This is my sister and my niece and nephew. It’s pretty clear. We all look alike.”

  Rose smiled. “Yeah, I see that, TJ, but still, I think perhaps only one of them at a time to visit will help. You need your rest.”

  “We’ll wait outside,” I told Laura. Then, I approached TJ and kissed his forehead once more. “It’s so good to hear your voice.”

  “Are you okay, Jasmine?” he asked, making me laugh. He was worrying about me as he lay in a hospital bed.

  “Quit worrying about me, friend. I’m always okay, TJ.”

  “We’ll get back to your music lessons soon,” he told me.

  I laughed. “No rush. You just get some rest.”

  He agreed, and I watched as Elliott moved closer to him. He placed a hand on his shoulder and gave him a small smile. It was so small that if I hadn’t been addicted to staring at the familiar stranger, I would’ve missed it.

  “If I knew all it would take to get you to visit was a stroke, I would’ve done it ages ago,” TJ joked.

  “I’m ha-ha—” Elliott paused and shut his eyes. His face turned slightly red and veins popped out a bit in his neck as his hands formed fists. “I’m h-happ—” he tried again, but the words weren’t forming for him at all. There he was—the shy boy I’d once known.

  He reopened his eyes and frowned.

  TJ placed his right hand on Elliott’s tense fist. “I’m happy, too, son.” And just like that, with TJ’s touch, Elliott’s body began to relax. TJ provided that same kind of comfort for me. I was certain it was like that for everyone who knew him.

  The two of us left the hospital room and headed into the waiting area then sat beside one another. This time, there was no seat between us. We were so close, but still felt miles apart.

  The silence around us was eerie. My mind was swirling with things I wanted to say, but I wasn’t certain how to say them. Even so, I’d try.

  I crossed my legs and cleared my throat. My lips parted to speak, but he found words before me.

  “How do you know him?” he asked, referring to TJ.

  “I’d go to his corner every day before work and listen to him play. He also recently started giving me music lessons. He’s, um…” My words trailed off, and he stared forward. A tear rolled down my cheek, and I quickly wiped it away. “He’s one of my favorite people in the world,” I told him.

  Elliott clasped his hands together and studied the floor.

  “Why that corner?” he asked.

  “What?”

  “Why did you go to that corner?”

  I snickered lightly. “Don’t ask questions you already know the answers to.”

  “You still sing, though?”

  I nodded. “TJ said you don’t play anymore.”

  “No.”

  “That’s the saddest thing I’ve ever heard.”

  He looked so defeated, so tired. Elliott was too young to be so broken down by the world, too young to know the level of sadness I saw in his eyes.

  But then again, so was I.

  I had so many things I wanted to say, but seeing his hard exterior made me feel uncomfortable speaking up at all. I wanted to ask and tell him everything.

  Where have you been?

  What makes you cry?

  What makes you smile?

  What do you do for a living?

  Did you miss me?

  I missed you.

  Most of all, I wanted to hold him, to hug him, to remember him, but I knew I couldn’t.

  I couldn’t because I knew that was the last thing he wanted. His body language told me that. We sat quietly for some time, saying everything in our minds, but nothing out loud until I couldn’t deal with the silence any longer.

  “I thought I’d never see you again,” I confessed, fully raw to my own emotions. “And then when I did see you the way you kissed me—”

  “That was a m-mistake,” he cut in.

  “It didn’t feel like one.”

  “And yet, it was.” He shrugged before he stood up and walked away, without thought of turning around. He left me completely baffled.

  I stayed in the waiting room as long as I could, waiting for Elliott to return, but he didn’t come back. I went back into TJ’s room for my visit, and when we finished our talk, Elliott was still missing. That sat heavily in my heart for more than one reason. I left the hospital and headed into work, dazed and confused.

  Elliott Adams had changed so much, and yet he was still so much the same.

  He’d been broken into so many pieces, and yet he was still fully himself.

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  Jasmine

  It was a rainy Saturday when TJ was released from the hospital. Laura and I took him to his house while Elliott went to a job interview. TJ argued that he’d be okay, staying alone, but that wasn’t true. His balance was off-kilter, and we all worried about him being by himself.

  Laura and I spent the morning with TJ, arguing about the living arrangements. He was going back and forth with us over what would happen over the coming weeks.

  “It’s really okay, TJ. I can take some time off work and help look after you more,” Laura told him, trying to ease the guilt he felt for crashing into her life.

  “No, no, no. The last thing you need to do is uproot your life for me. You’re already dealing with so much, working two jobs day and night. Taking care of me is too much, and I know my insurance doesn’t really cover nursing assistance, but that’s okay. I’ll be okay on my own.”

  “TJ, you fell this morning at the hospital,” she admonished. “You can’t be alone.”

  “I can help him during the day,” I chimed in.

  “No, it’s not your responsibility. I’m not your child. Besides, that doesn’t fix anything. I’d still be alone at night. I might as well be alone during the day, too.”

  “TJ, that’s crazy,” I told him. “There’s no way we’re leaving you alone.”

  “You have to.” He shrugged. “I’m old. It’s okay.”

  “That’s exactly why it’s not okay. You fell this morning, and
I was there to help you. What if it happens again?” Laura asked.

  “It has happened before, and I was able to help myself up.”

  His words felt like a sucker punch. “You’ve fallen before, TJ?”

  “Oh my gosh, why didn’t you tell me?” Laura hammered him.

  “Because I knew you’d worry,” he replied. “You have so much on your plate, Laura. You don’t need to worry about me.”

  “Now we’re definitely not leaving you alone,” she said firmly.

  “There’s no way not to,” he argued.

  “I can take nights,” a deep voice said, making us all turn to the front door. Elliott was standing in the foyer with his hands stuffed into his pockets.

  TJ’s brows knitted. “What are you doing here?”

  I felt Elliott’s eyes dance across me before his stare met TJ’s. “I just got a job at a gym not too far away. The hours are eight to four, so I can be with you during the evenings.”

  Laura’s eyes watered over, and she placed her hands against her heart. “You’ll help?” she asked, unsure how to fully grasp what her son was saying.

  “You’d do that for me?” TJ asked, seeming confused by Elliott’s offer.

  “Yes.”

  “Why?”

  The discomfort Elliott felt was apparent. Opening himself up was something he struggled with, and everyone standing in the room knew it. There was this battle we witnessed between Elliott and his soul each time he came near. It was as if he wanted to express his true self, but he feared opening up would be damaging.

  “You’d do the same for me,” he finally said. “You did do the same for me. When my d-dad walked out, you stepped in.”

  Oh, Elliott…

  TJ knew he couldn’t turn that offer down. It’d been years since Elliott had showed any kind of desire for connection, and he’d be a fool to shut him down.

  “I’m going to see if I can hang a p-punching bag on the tree in the backyard?” he said as a question.

  “Okay, son.” TJ nodded, clearly stunned.

  As Elliott walked away, the three of us followed him with our stares. Laura’s hand was still resting over her heart, and tears were rolling down her cheeks. “My son’s home.”

  “Not yet,” TJ disagreed, shaking his head a little. “But he’s working on it.”

  We got TJ settled into his place, and Laura brought over a new walker to help him get around. It took a few days for us to get into the groove of caring for TJ, but over time, it became easier. The hardest part was watching him struggle to return to his normal self. TJ believed things would come back to him a lot easier than they were. Sometimes his mind was fogged, and he grew dizzy from time to time. Walking was tough for him, but the biggest pain to his heart was that he couldn’t play his music.

  One afternoon, I found him standing over his saxophone, running his fingers along it.

  “You okay, TJ?” I asked, but he didn’t reply. I walked over to him and placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. “TJ.”

  He shook his head back and forth, and when he looked at me, his eyes were heavy with sadness. “Yes?”

  “Let’s get you to bed for a nap. You need rest. I’ll probably be gone by the time you wake up to get to work, but Elliott should be here to help you for the night. I’ll check on you after my night shift, okay?”

  He nodded as we walked toward his room. He hated that I had to help him into his bed. He hated that he needed help at all. TJ was always the one to give help, not receive it, and I could tell this was a hard transition for him, but still, he said thank you, and still, he praised God. His belief in something greater than him when the days were dark was shocking. I wished we all could’ve been more like him in that way—hopeful, even when darkness roamed.

  Once he was settled in, I went to work on cleaning the house. As I straightened up the living room before heading to work, I glanced out the window and saw Elliott standing across the street. His back was to me and his hands were stuffed in his pockets as he stared at the house in front of him, the house where he’d spent most of his childhood.

  I walked over to the front door and looked his way. People walked past him, but he didn’t move an inch, almost as if he didn’t see them at all.

  “Elliott!” I hollered, stepping onto the porch. He didn’t turn around. I walked down the steps and hurried over toward him. It was as if he were frozen solid, unable to move at all. The closer I got, the more my stomach filled with nerves. “Eli,” I said softly, placing my hand on his shoulder.

  He jumped out of his skin, and when he turned my way, his eyes were glassed over with emotion. His feelings—his true feelings—were on display as he stood there studying the place he had once called his home. With one swift breath, he stepped backward. His glassy eyes changed back to his hard stare.

  “What is it?” he barked.

  “I just…” My words faded away as my mind tried to hold on to the broken pieces I saw in his gaze. I recognized that. I understood the sadness he harbored somewhere deep inside his soul, because it matched my own. What I didn’t understand was the harsh side he was committed to presenting to the world, to me. “I just wanted to check that you were okay.”

  “I’m always okay.” He brushed past me toward TJ’s house, and I sighed, following.

  “It’s okay if you’re not okay,” I told him. “I know I wouldn’t be okay coming back to the place I grew up, being around the memory of Kat—”

  “Shut up!” he barked, turning around to face me in the middle of the street.

  “What?”

  He moved closer, his strong build reminding me how small I was in comparison. He hovered over me, inches away from my face. His warm breaths brushed against my skin as he spoke. “Just don’t.”

  “Elliott—”

  “You don’t know me anymore, and I have no desire to r-r-rebuild a friendship. I didn’t come back for you,” he told me, his tone so cold.

  “I never said you did,” I whispered, feeling embarrassed.

  “You look at me like you believe I did, though, like this—like we mean something, but we don’t. You mean nothing to me and I mean nothing to you, all right? I came back to help care for TJ and t-that’s it. Nothing more, nothing less. Do you understand?”

  I nodded and my shoulders rounded. Each second, I felt smaller. “Yes.”

  “Good.” He turned around and walked toward the house, then he stopped once more. “And Jasmine?”

  “Yes?”

  “Never mention my sister to me again—ever.”

  He left me standing in the road as my mind tried to catch up. I was completely stunned, frozen still, the same way he had been moments before. Then, as I discovered my thoughts, as I realized what I should’ve said to him, I stormed back into the house.

  “No,” I whisper-shouted toward Elliott, knowing TJ was sleeping.

  “Excuse me?”

  “I said no. You don’t get to talk to me like that. You don’t get to belittle me and tell me to shut up because you’re sad—and don’t lie to me and say you’re not sad, Elliott, because you are. You are sad, and I saw it. In that split second when you first turned around, I saw the real you, the hurt you, and I’m sorry I brought her up. That was me crossing the line, but you don’t get to tell me to shut up for checking on you. You don’t get to tell me who I can and cannot be. If you want to ignore me, if you want me to ignore you, fine, but don’t ever tell me to shut up again. I’m not the girl you get to tell to shut up.”

  “You’re right.” He shifted around in his shoes as his eyebrows lowered. “I’m sorry.”

  I stepped backward, a bit taken aback by his apology.

  I hadn’t expected it at all.

  “Oh?” I muttered.

  “I don’t—” He paused, and the corner of his mouth twitched. “I didn’t mean to…” He stuffed his hands into his pockets, lowered his stare, and cleared his throat. When his head rose, he locked eyes with me, and that softness I’d once known was back in his stare.
“I don’t know how to exist around you,” he told me, so raw, so truthful. I saw him, saw how much it pained him to tell me that before he walked away, leaving me stunned.

  He confused me so much. It amazed me how he could be so hot and cold in a span of seconds. I wasn’t certain how to take it, what it meant, but I did know I felt exactly the same way he did.

  I didn’t have a clue how to exist around him.

  Yet still, even with his shadows, I craved for him to stay.

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  Elliott

  I suffered from nightmares during sporadic moments of each day. Each time I looked in the mirror, it bothered me my face sometimes reminded me of my sister’s. Every room I stood inside of at TJ’s had some sort of memory of her attached to it. The hallway toward the bedrooms even had markings of our heights since we were two years old. His house was my second home, where we celebrated all holidays, birthdays, and random Tuesdays.

  Katie lost her first tooth in TJ’s kitchen, and she got scolded for failing her first test in the dining room.

  Everything I touched was a reminder of her. The worst thing, though, was crossing paths with my mother. I had Katie’s eyes, but Mom had her eyes and smile. She had her wild, curly hair. She had her heart, her personality, her love.

  Everything beautiful about my mother matched my sister’s soul, and it broke my fucked-up heart every time she looked my way.

  Not only did I suffer from nightmares during the day, whenever I closed my eyes, I’d fall into dreams that were always covered in shadows. I’d be back in that alleyway, listening to them mock Katie, listening to them abuse her. Sometimes I’d become aware that I was dreaming, but still I couldn’t wake up. I needed to wake up. I couldn’t watch her die again. I couldn’t…

  I stumbled to my feet and rushed over to Katie. Her breaths were shallow and her eyes widened, panicked. “Eli,” she murmured, and I wrapped my arms around her.