Behind the Bars

by Brittainy Cherry

  A vein popped out of Elliott’s neck as he pounded his right fist into the palm of his left. “What a sick bastard,” he hissed. “If I ever see him…”

  “It doesn’t matter,” I told him. “I got away.”

  “No, you didn’t.”

  “Yes, I did. I broke free. He didn’t really touch me…and then I left. I got here before anything happened.”

  “Jazz…something did happen. What he did to you—”

  “It could’ve been a lot worse,” I said emphatically, shaking my head back and forth. “He didn’t rape me, he didn’t…” As those words left my mouth, my body began to shake. “It didn’t go too far. I was lucky.”

  Elliott leaned in and took my hands in his. “What he did to you was wrong. What he took from you without your permission, how he put his hands on you was disgusting.”

  “I got away. I ran away before he could take more. Others have had it way worse.”

  “Listen to me, just because others have been hurt in different ways, that doesn’t make your pain mute. You’re allowed to feel hurt. You’re allowed to feel violated. You’re allowed to want to scream, to shout.”

  “My mom was right—my dress was short, too low-cut…” I said, feeling sick as I spoke the words.

  “You could’ve walked into that club naked and he still wouldn’t have had the right to lay a hand on you. Do you understand me?”

  I nodded, though I still felt unsure. I’d spent my life being told everything was my fault, that the weight of Mama’s suffering came from my faults, and now Elliott sat in front of me, telling me I was wrong, that I wasn’t to blame, that Mama’s faults were hers and only hers. He was telling me everything would be okay.

  It was as if he’d taken the weight of the world from me.

  “You said something last night that b-bothered me,” he confessed. “You said Katie’s death was because of you.”

  “Yeah.”

  “You believe that?” he asked.

  “It crosses my mind, or at least I believe it’s sometimes hard for you to be around me, because I’m a reminder of the worst time of your life. I get that, though. I understand.”

  He narrowed his eyes and stared down at the carpeted floor. “The day after I t-took you out on our first date, Katie came to me, smiled, and said, ‘I was wrong about that girl, Eli. She’s a good thing.’” He brushed his hands against the back of his neck and looked up, locking his eyes with mine. “She loved you for me.”

  “Eli…”

  “I’m hard,” he told me. “Over the years, I’ve been cold and short and mean sometimes, and yet, you still showed up. You still smiled at me, because you’re good. You’re a good thing, and that’s hard for me be-because you remind me of my past, but you’re not a reminder of the worst times.” He shook his head. “You’re a reminder of the best time of my life, and I didn’t think I deserved you,” he confessed. “For the longest time, I didn’t think I deserved to feel good.”

  I reached out and took his hands into mine. “You do, Eli. You deserve to be happy, more than anything.”

  “It’s hard to be around you sometimes,” he whispered.

  “Why’s that?”

  His eyebrows knit together and he lowered his voice. “Because you make my heart beat.”

  “And what’s wrong with a beating heart?”

  He slightly shrugged his shoulders. “The more they beat, the easier they break, but that’s the thing about you, Jasmine—I’ve been dead for six years now, and then you show up and remind me how good it feels to be alive, what it feels like to breathe again. Don’t you see why it’s so important that you exist? Don’t you see why the world needs you? Why the best decision your mother ever made was having you? You’re the music in a mute world, and my heart beats because you’re here.”

  Chapter Thirty-Nine

  Jasmine

  The connection between Elliott and me grew each day, and I couldn’t have been happier about it. He was slowly opening up to me, to the world, and it was amazing to witness. TJ was also doing much better with his physical therapy, which was a blessing. Plus, he began training Elliott again, which brought TJ more peace of mind than anything else in the world.

  I still couldn’t get over how much Elliott had helped me shed light on my scars. I’d spent so much time pretending they didn’t exist, so to have him help open me in a way I hadn’t thought I could was amazing. He paused his life to help me navigate through mine, and when the time came for me to do the same for him, I was ready.

  On the third Tuesday in January, I overslept by an hour and I hurried over to TJ’s house to switch places with Elliott so he could get to work. When I showed up, he was standing in front of his old house, staring blankly ahead.

  “Hey, Eli,” I said, gently touching his shoulder.

  He turned around to see me and gave me a half-smile. “Hey.”

  I rubbed my hands up and down my arms, trying to shake off the cold. I was shocked that he was standing there in a short-sleeved T-shirt and not freezing to death. “You okay?”

  “Yes.”

  His body language told me differently. “Are you sure…?”

  He nodded and cleared his throat, changing the subject. “TJ’s having a rough morning.”

  “Oh.” My gut tightened. “Because of the music? I really thought he was doing better, and his physical therapy is going well…”

  Elliott stayed somber, and his forehead wrinkled. “It’s not the music.”

  “Oh? Then why is he having a rough morning?”

  “Because today’s the anniversary of the day Katie died.”

  “Oh my God, Elliott…” My heart leaped into my throat, and without thought, my hand landed on his forearm to give some type of comfort. “Are you okay?” What a stupid question to ask—of course, he’s not okay.

  His head tilted down a little to stare at my touch against his skin, but for some reason I couldn’t let him go. He probably didn’t know it was happening. His mind swam in a sea of darkness as he stood there, and with my small touch I was able to witness the tiny tremble of his body as his sadness filled him up. He turned back to the house and stared. “I’m always okay.”

  “Elliott—”

  “My mom is in there with him. She’s s-s-sad too, because of me.” He cleared his throat once more and pushed my arm away from him. “It’s my fa-fault they’re sad. It’s my fault she’s gone.”

  He was slipping back into his guilt, back into the cage he’d locked himself in for years.

  “No. That’s not true,” I told him, my voice stern.

  He inhaled sharply. “Can you look after them?” he asked. “Can you make sure they’re okay?”

  “Of course.”

  “Thank you.” He stuffed his hands into his pockets and walked over to his car.

  “Elliott, where are you going?”

  “To my apartment.”

  “You shouldn’t be alone today.”

  “Don’t worry about me.” He climbed into his car, not giving me one more word. As he started his engine and disappeared down the road, my heart began to break for him. He was so lost, so far from living life. He was merely sleepwalking through it.

  I understood that feeling more than he knew.

  I entered the house and found Laura and TJ sitting in the living room watching home videos. Katie’s young face flashed on the screen, and she was smiling and dancing with a younger Elliott.

  They looked so free, so happy.

  “Jasmine,” Laura said gently, standing up from the sofa. She walked over to me, and my eyes glassed over.

  “I’m so sorry, Laura. Elliott told me what today was, and I—”

  “He spoke to you?” she asked, stunned.

  “Yes.”

  “He didn’t say a word to either of us all morning,” TJ told me. “He walked around like a zombie.”

  “He’s hurting.” Laura teared up and shook her head back and forth. “He’s blaming himself. He always does this.”


  “What happened wasn’t his fault,” I told her.

  “We all know that, but he doesn’t. He won’t allow himself to know that.” Tears started falling down her cheeks, and she shook her head again. “He shouldn’t be alone, not today, but he won’t let anyone in.”

  I glanced back at the front door and crossed my arms. “Are you two okay together?” I asked.

  She nodded. “Yes. We’ll be fine.”

  “I’m going to go check on him, then, if you’re both sure you’re okay. I know he’ll probably shut me down, but I just want to try. I know he won’t let me in, but he shouldn’t be alone.”

  “Oh, Jasmine. He spoke to you. Over the past six years on this day, he hasn’t spoken a word to anyone. Don’t you see?” TJ gave me a small smile paired with his heavy eyes. “He’s already let you in.”

  My heartbeat sped up as I hugged each of them goodbye. I hopped into a taxi and headed over to Daze. As I walked in, Jason called toward the door.

  “Sorry, we’re not open today.”

  “I’m sorry, I just…” I started, and he turned around. A small, broken smile found his face.

  “Jasmine. You’re here for Eli?”

  “Yes.”

  “He won’t let anyone in today. It’s been that way for years now. It’s pretty much like talking to a brick wall.”

  I took off my coat and scarf. “He spoke to me earlier. He told me what today is.”

  His eyes widened, and then he showed me his forearms. “I know that doesn’t sound like a lot, but it literally gave me goose bumps. I don’t know what it is about you two, but there’s something there. You should see the way he stares at you when you aren’t looking,” he told me.

  I chuckled. “I’ve heard rumors about that.”

  He reached for a bottle of whiskey and walked over to me. “And you should see the way you look at him.”

  That statement gave me goose bumps.

  “Come on, I’ll take you upstairs.” He led me to the staircase at the back of the lounge, then handed me the bottle of whiskey. “The offering of booze never goes unwelcomed, but if he doesn’t let you in again, don’t take it personally. He’s just working through a lot of demons in his head.”

  “Thanks, Jason.”

  He nodded. “He’s my favorite person in this world. I know he’s closed off, and many people don’t get him, but Elliott still shows love in his own way, you know? It’s not as apparent as it is with others. It’s much quieter, but I swear it’s there. So, the fact that you showed up today to be with him…the fact that you care…he just needs more people like that, you know? More people who care about him even though he’s broken. Thank you for that.”

  As he walked away, I swallowed hard, walking up those stairs. Each step felt as if I were invading Elliott’s personal space. Each step sent a spark of fire racing down my spine. I knocked on the door a few times, and I wasn’t certain he’d open it.

  Just as I was about to turn around, the door creaked open, and Elliott stood there with his hard stare.

  “What are you doing here?” he asked dryly.

  He was talking to me.

  Good sign.

  “I, um, I just, I thought, I—”

  “What is it, Jasmine?” he asked, his voice sounding defeated.

  “Whiskey?” I asked, holding up the bottle.

  “It’s eight in the morning.”

  “If you have coffee, we can put it in that,” I joked.

  He didn’t move an inch. His eyes peered into mine, and I gave him a slight smile. “I just thought you shouldn’t be alone.”

  “I told you, I’m okay.”

  “Yes, but still…” I shrugged my shoulders and held the bottle up a little higher. “Whiskey?”

  His mouth twitched, and then he stepped to the side, allowing me to walk inside.

  I tried to hide my shock, but I took the opportunity when he gave it to me.

  Elliott headed straight to the kitchen, pulled out two mugs, and started a pot of coffee.

  I hung my coat and purse on the back of a chair then took a seat.

  The only sound in the whole apartment was the brewing coffee, and once it finished, he filled the mugs then splashed each one with whiskey.

  “Thank you,” I said.

  He nodded once.

  “So,” I started.

  He leaned his back against the refrigerator and shook his head. “I don’t want to t-talk.” He swallowed hard and blinked his eyes closed. “Please.”

  “Okay.” I shifted around in my chair, my fingers tapping against the side of the glass. “I don’t want to cross a line by stopping by, Elliott, especially on a day like today. So, if you need me to leave, I can go.”

  His eyes stayed shut, and I watched him take a deep inhale.

  He didn’t say a word, but when he opened his eyes, they told me exactly what I wished his lips would say.

  Stay.

  I stayed with him throughout the morning, afternoon, and night. We moved from the kitchen to the living room, and sometimes back and forth, not once exchanging words. That day we used silence as our voices. We used darkness as our healing, and Elliott used me as his anchor. I understood Elliott that day, how he needed the silence yet still needed someone nearby.

  He didn’t need words. He just needed the space to feel what he needed to feel, with me present as a reminder that he wasn’t alone.

  When midnight hit, he stood up and walked to the front door. I tossed on my coat and my purse and followed his steps. Our goodbye was calm, just as it had been the day before. We didn’t embrace, didn’t even say goodbye. I just walked down the steps, ready to let go, but then he called me back.

  “Jasmine.”

  I turned to see him looking down toward me. “Yes?”

  “Ask me about her?” he said in the form of a question.

  “What?”

  He shifted around a bit before leaning against the doorframe, crossing his arms. “C-c-can you ask me about her?” he whispered.

  I lowered my brows and gave him a small smile. “Can you tell me about your sister?”

  “Yes.”

  I sat down on the steps, and he sat down at the top. My back rested against the stair banister. He didn’t look my way, his stare fixed on his fists, but I couldn’t look away from him. All my attention was placed on him and his heart.

  “She loved the color purple,” he told me. “Anything and everything purple was her favorite thing in the world. She believed in fairy-tales. She had braces for three years and would get taffy stuck in them at least once a week. She prayed each morning and d-did the same every night. She couldn’t whistle, but she could jump rope like a pr-professional.” He closed his eyes, took a deep inhale, and released the breath slowly. I watched as tears rolled down his cheeks and hit his hands. “She wanted to adopt kids someday. She h-hated the idea of some kids never feeling loved. She loved me more than I deserved and loved my mom the same.”

  I leaned in closer to him. “Tell me what you need from me. If you want me to go, I’ll go. If you want me to stay, I’ll stay. Anything you need, Eli, I’ll do it.”

  He lightly squeezed my hands and stood up, pulling me to a standing position with him. He stepped down one step, so we were beside one another.

  His lips parted, and he spoke the only word I needed to hear. “Stay.”

  A sigh of relief fell from my mouth.

  All I ever wanted to do was stay.

  Chapter Forty

  Jasmine

  The following weeks felt like a fairy-tale. Elliott was showing up in ways I hadn’t known possible, ways Laura had prayed for each day since the accident. Whenever we crossed each other’s paths, we’d both act so nervous. Whenever I saw him, my heart skipped.

  Whenever he stuttered, I swore I fell a little more head over heels.

  I wasn’t certain what we were, but I was just so happy he was back in my life. Some mornings when I’d arrive at TJ’s, I’d find them in the living room for a saxophone lesso
n. I’d lean against the doorframe, and they never noticed me, because when those two rehearsed together, they gave it their all. It was a magical experience to watch. I swore TJ had to have been Elliott’s father in a past life, and Elliott his son. They smiled the same way, scolded the same way, and loved the same way, too.

  I saw it in TJ’s eyes, too, the way he was slowly but surely redefining his purpose in life. That was the craziest thing about life—sometimes it shifted in directions we never thought it would go, but the greatest thing about humans was our ability to adapt.

  TJ might not have been able to play his music anymore, but he sure did hear his sounds through a boy named Elliott Adams.

  “You’re going to be late for work.” I smiled toward Elliott after he performed a Stan Getz piece.

  He glanced at his watch. “Oh crap, okay. TJ, we’ll pick up where we left off after work. I’ll just leave my saxophone here.”

  TJ nodded. “Just work over those bars in your head at work, okay? You’re almost there. You’ll get them.”

  I loved watching those two interact.

  Elliott walked by me and gave me a gentle grin. “He’s smiling more.”

  “Because of you,” I told him. We were all smiling more because of Elliott’s smile.

  “I’ll be back around four. Have a good day, you two.”

  He headed out of the house, then suddenly came rushing back in. “Jazz, can I, um, talk to you outside real quick?”

  “Of course.” I stood and moved to the front porch with Elliott then closed the door behind me. “What’s up?”

  He squinted one of his eyes shut and rubbed his hands over his head.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing’s wrong, it’s just…” He clasped his hands behind his neck and stood up straight. “Let’s go on a date?”

  Butterflies swirled in my stomach, and my cheeks heated up. “Is that a question?”

  “No—well, yes…well...” He took a breath. “Will you go on a date with me this Saturday?”

  “What?”

  “You can say no. I just, I’m…” He bit his bottom lip, and his hazel eyes met mine. “I’m crazy about you, and I want to take you out on a date, but you can say no.”