I heard him get out of bed upstairs and I knew there was no way I could face him. I raced through the house and out my front door, heedless of my nudity. I jumped off the side of my porch and ran to the back of the yard and into the woods. I have no idea what I was thinking — there was no way to outrun him — but in that moment I just knew I couldn’t face him.
I thought he let me go, but I later learned he trailed me while giving me some space. I ran for ten or fifteen minutes before I stopped, my arms clasped in front of me as I looked around. I had no idea where I was or how to get back. I was warm for the moment after running, but realized I’d get chilly if I sat.
The bottoms of my feet hurt, now that the adrenaline was burning out of my system. I hadn’t even realized I was running barefoot through the forest.
“I’m a fucking mess,” I muttered as I turned in a slow circle. It was the middle of the night, and thank goodness there was enough of a moon to light my way. I’d run along an established wildlife path and had miraculously managed to miss all the big limbs. I ran my hands through my hair and felt leaves and twigs, and sighed as I hugged my arms to my chest again.
Okay, I’d gotten myself out here, I’d get myself back. I ran because I could. In prison, I’d been trapped all too often. There was a small window at the back of my house, but no door. If Darnell had come downstairs while I was in the kitchen, I’d have been trapped. Not that I was afraid of him, but I didn’t want to face him while I was crying.
I wasn’t crying anymore. I was naked, scratched up, had crap in my hair, and my feet hurt… but there were no tears.
I took a breath and said, “There’s no way you let me run out without following me. Thanks for not stopping me.”
He stepped out from behind a tree, probably twenty yards away. “Why’d you run?”
I shrugged. “I was being emotional. I’m not sure there’s much logic to it. I felt cornered, so I ran. It isn’t about you, it isn’t because I was afraid of you…” I sighed. “I’ve spent a lot of time caged. I just suddenly needed to be out of the house and away.”
“I smell blood, but there isn’t much. Are you hurt?”
My laugh sounded harsh even to my ears. “I’m a stupid emotional female who ran into the woods naked and barefoot.”
He hadn’t stepped towards me yet, and I held myself tighter as I assured him, “You don’t have to treat me like a wounded animal. I freaked, but I’m okay now.”
Despite my assurances, he stepped cautiously towards me, as if he were worried I’d bolt again. I rolled my eyes and took two steps towards him before giving a sharp intake of breath as I stepped on a rock under the ground cover.
Darnell rotated so his back was to me as he neared, and squatted low, with his ass on his heels.
“Climb on my back and I’ll give you a ride.”
I didn’t argue, and I rested my head on his shoulder as he stood. He talked me through situating my arms so my right one was over his right shoulder, and my left ran below his left armpit. I grasped my wrists over his chest, and relaxed into the grip he had on my butt to keep me from falling.
“Thanks.”
“I love you, Keesh. As long as you don’t do something boneheaded to hurt our son again, we’ll work through whatever comes up.”
“Have you really forgiven me for hurting him?”
“Yeah. I didn’t think I ever could, but Darius is right — you’ve more than paid for your poor choices. It’s more than that, though. You’ve learned from them. I don’t think you’d make the same choices if you were in the same situation.”
He walked in silence the rest of the way, and came out of the woods behind his house instead of mine, and he headed to his back door.
“Where are you taking me?”
“Your shower’s too small for both of us, plus I have a better first aid kit.”
Chapter 17
Darnell
I looked over every inch of her body and mentally cataloged every scrape, cut, and developing bruise. I’d bought her brand of shampoo and conditioner to keep handy, and I washed her hair for her despite her protests she could do it herself.
Once we were out of the shower and I had her dry, I rubbed arnica on the bruises, used a butterfly bandage on two of the bigger cuts, and put soft cotton socks on her feet with the admonishment she shouldn’t walk barefoot until the cuts she’d received from the forest floor had healed.
She was tired, but not sleepy, and I didn’t think she’d go back to sleep. I sat her on a stool at my kitchen island and put coffee on.
“What triggered it?”
She shrugged. “I’ve been on my own with no one to lean on. I had to be strong. I loved our evening together, but it’s the first time I’ve let myself be vulnerable to anyone since… well, since you.”
I could almost feel the fur on the back of my neck standing up, but the human part of me knew I shouldn’t take this personally. Or, hoped I shouldn’t. I took a breath, centered myself, and asked, “The specific trigger. You were fine when you went downstairs. I heard you go to the bathroom, and something triggered you before you went back to the kitchen.”
She looked at me a few seconds before saying, “I love that you made me sore. I loved what you did to get me that way… but when I wiped and felt it, and the evening came back…” She shrugged again and I breathed in to smell the tart, sour smell of her conflict.
I poured her coffee and handed it to her. When I’d known her before she’d drunk it with tons of sugar and as much milk as coffee. Now she preferred it with nothing added, and it was yet another reminder of how prison had changed and hardened her.
“Would you change anything about our evening together, if you could?”
I was terrified of her answer, but I needed to know. She took several long seconds to consider the question before shaking her head.
“No. We’ve both changed, and I liked what you did to me. I’ll figure out how to be vulnerable in bed without letting it carry over into our day.” She breathed in as she sat up a little straighter. “I can’t depend on you to take care of me, Darnell. I need to make it on my own. I’ll never be able to repay you for the help you’ve given me — a place to live, spending money to get started, and a job I basically just needed to show up to accept. I know I’m indebted more than I can ever repay, but I hope you understand why I need to be my own woman.”
“Anything more than we’ve already covered?”
She flinched as if I’d raised a hand to her, and I realized I’d snapped the words out.
“I’m sorry, Keesh. I guess your baggage is rubbing my baggage the wrong way. I didn’t mean to snap.”
She took a sip of coffee, holding the mug with both hands, and it felt as if she were blocking me out for the seconds she had it in front of her face.
“No more than we’ve already discussed.” She sighed and put the mug back on the island in front of her. “Last night was awesome. I’m sorry I freaked.”
I smelled grief now, and I cupped her cheek in my hand. “It was an honest emotional reaction. Never be sorry for being honest, Keesh. We’ll figure it out.”
“What baggage do you have, and how is mine rubbing it the wrong way?”
I turned away and poured myself more coffee. I’d never intended to talk to her about this.
“Darnell?”
I hadn’t let her get away with changing the subject. Turnabout’s fair play.
“If I’d just bought you the damned shoes, Darius wouldn’t have had to go through the shit he did, and I’d have come home to a happy family after I went through hell completing the operation I was on. I failed to provide for you, and I lost my family.”
She settled the mug on the island in front of her. Fiddled with the handle. “You know it wasn’t about the shoes, right? I was pissed because you had money you kept from me, but I get it, now.” She looked up from the mug and met my gaze, her eyes sad. “If you’d bought me the shoes, I’d have just demanded something else the next month, or th
e next.”
“I didn’t provide for you then and I lost you. I want to lavish you with gifts now, but you won’t let me. I get it and I won’t push, but my wolf isn’t happy.” I paused a beat before admitting. “Neither am I. Your kitchen’s too damned small.”
I smelled her inner conflict again, and I turned to look at the slowly lightning sky outside my kitchen window. “It’s my shit, Keesh. I’ll back off and let you figure things out.”
Because she needed to figure her shit out before I asked her to marry me again.
“Darius told me how Hailey had nothing until she came to live with you. I assume her mother didn’t have much, either. Is that why you chose her?”
I shook my head. It hadn’t hurt, but it hadn’t been the reason.
“Aggie was a schoolteacher, and she was good with Darius. She and I were friends and I liked her, but mainly… she had endless patience with our son.” I turned from the window to meet Keisha’s gaze again. “Her being so poor made her affordable. I moved her into my house and gave her more than enough spending money to get through each month, with the promise of me deeding the house over to her plus a substantial payout when Darius graduated. I used the hell out of her, and I didn’t regret it until I saw the pain in Hailey’s eyes when I first found out she and Darius had gotten together last year.”
“You told me to stop apologizing, but I feel like I need to again.”
“You’re forgiven. It’s in the past.” I lifted my coffee mug, realized it was empty, and poured some more. “Do you still love me?”
“You have to know I do.”
“Do you see yourself with me in thirty years?”
“I see us together until I die.” She sighed. “I’m human. You know I’ll die before you.”
I wasn’t ready to deal with life expectancy just yet, so I focused on the topic at hand. “Okay then. We’ll figure it out. I understand you need to stand on your own two feet, and I’ll give you as much space as I can, but I’d really like it if we can stop having this conversation.”
“What do you like to do besides the blindfold and the cuffs?”
Blood pulsed to my cock and I gave her a lopsided smile. “So, so, much.”
“Will you ever let me blindfold you?”
My eyebrows rose as I considered the question. No one had ever suggested they turn the tables on me before. “I might agree to keep my eyes closed while you blow me.”
She rolled her eyes at me with a grin, and I told her, “You have no idea how happy I am to have you in my kitchen, drinking coffee, giving me that look.”
Her eyes landed on her coffee mug and she hunched in a little. “There was no one else? I mean, you said you were just friends with Aggie — but surely you had a relationship with someone?”
“I tried. I wanted it to work with Aggie, and then with a few other women… but my wolf wouldn’t let you go.”
“Because wolves mate for life.” She met my gaze. “Has he forgiven me?”
“Yeah. He was the one insisting I made sure you were taken care of when you got out.” I sighed. “If I didn’t smell the truth in your words, I’d think there’s something you aren’t telling me about why you fell apart. It seems like there should be more.”
“I think maybe it was more a matter of everything finally coming to a head. I let myself be vulnerable, and I don’t regret it, but it broke down a wall I’ve held in place a long time. I don’t think it’ll happen again, but I won’t know for sure until we try it.”
I topped off her coffee as I considered what I wanted to tell her.
“I need you to not run away, Keesh. I’m not pissed because you did, and I gave you space, but I really need you to not run away.”
She wrapped her fingers around the mug, absorbing the warmth, and met my gaze. “I was the caged animal again. I can’t make any promises, because I wasn’t thinking logically. If I feel the same again, I’ll probably run.”
I pushed her hair out of her face and wished the kitchen island weren’t between us. “Then we won’t play around with bondage or a blindfold until we figure this out.”
The scent of her anger hit me like a physical force, and I braced myself to keep from stepping back.
“The hell we will,” she said, her voice low and deep. “Last night was incredible. I’m sorry I went mental, but that doesn’t mean you get to just say, ‘oh, never mind, then,’ like nothing happened!”
I walked to my refrigerator and pulled out two pounds of bacon, a dozen eggs, and a can of biscuits. I had no idea how to answer her, and it seemed best to just change the subject.
“Sit,” she said. “I’ll cook.”
“My kitchen. I’ll cook.”
She shrugged and sat back down. “You tell me I need a bigger kitchen, and then don’t let me use the one you have available.”
I put both fists on the counter, knuckles down, leaned forward, and looked at my feet. “Fuck, woman. You don’t fight fair.”
“And you do? What the hell was all that about me not having an orgasm without something in my ass?”
“You want to associate having something in your ass with good stuff? I thought I’d help.” I pulled the pans out she’d need, settled them beside the food on the counter, and sat down.
“Have fun. Spatulas and spoons are in the drawer to the right of the stove. Let me know if you want me to help.”
She walked to the stove, eyeing me with uncertainty. “That was too easy.”
“You’re right. I want you to have a bigger kitchen. If we’re ever asked under oath how many times you’ve spent the night with me, we don’t have to include last night. You’re here, it’s breakfast...” I shrugged again.
He let me have full rein in his kitchen, and I cooked a feast. It’s fun to cook for Darnell, because he always eats everything I make. Werewolves eat a lot of food.
Cooking in his kitchen was a blast, too. So much room, and all the right tools. He wasn’t wrong about me needing a bigger kitchen, but I was truly thankful for my tiny one.
He insisted on cleaning the dishes when we finished eating, but I dried and put things away. It was comfortable, working side-by-side with him… though odd.
“We never did this before.”
He didn’t respond, probably because there was nothing to say. The kitchen had been my domain and he’d let me run it when we were married. His military mindset had split the house up into “my domain” and “your domain.” The finances had been all his.
And that was the crux of all of this. As a housewife, my job had been to take care of the house. I’d loved it, but not having control of the money had rankled. It wasn’t that I needed total control, but he was clear about his control and my lack of it. In truth, he’d more than provided for me, but I’d still felt disenfranchised.
If we came back together and I had my own sources of income, I’d have my own money to do with as I pleased… but could I contribute to the household and still have enough money for the things I might want? If I lived alone, I’d be frugal with my home so I could have more clothes and take fun trips.
I had no idea what his mortgage payment was, but I was sure half of it would be a lot.
“Why are you sad all of a sudden?”
“So many things. Too much to talk about. I’m not even sure how I’d go about trying to explain it.”
“Then give me a nutshell.”
“I loved being a housewife, but I’m not sure I can do it again. I’ve changed too much.”
“Honestly? After all this time on my own? I’m not sure I want a housewife. I pay someone to clean the bathrooms, dust, vacuum, take care of my clothes and linens, and handle seasonal changes. I’m happy with the arrangement and I’m not sure I want to change it.” He took the drying towel from me and wiped the last pan. “Whatever you and I turn out to be is going to be different than before. We’re different people, so of course our relationship will be different.”
He lifted a brow. “Speaking of which. I’ll be right back.
” He put the pan away and left the room. I wiped the drops from the counter, and was pouring myself another cup of coffee when he returned.
“This is a plug designed to stay inside, so you won’t have to hold it in. If you want to masturbate when I’m not around but want to follow my request, this’ll take care of it.”
I looked at the box — a fancy one, not just a regular cardboard container. He lifted the hinged lid to reveal a velvet interior with a shiny silver plug nestled inside.
“You have to be kidding.”
“Not at all. You can do what you want, of course, but you know my wishes.”
Darnell went into work for a few hours and I went home to do my laundry and clean house.
I’d ‘forgotten’ the damned plug, and he’d brought it to me before he left.
He put it on a shelf in my tiny living room, and I looked at the fancy box every time I walked past. In a snit, I went online and ordered a vibrator. A heavy-duty plug-in model, not one of those wimpy battery-operated things.
No way was I plugging myself.
I reached for my phone once my house was clean. I’d intended to read, but as I opened the app, it occurred to me perhaps I needed to get out.
My world consisted of my ex-husband, my son and his girlfriend, and the people I worked with.
I needed friends.
How does one go about making friends when you’re creating a new life?
School, hobby, church, sports… the easiest of these would be church. Instead of reading, I looked up area churches. An hour later, I had no idea which church I wanted to try first. Plus, the idea of taking myself to church on the motorcycle… no.
Still, I needed to get out of the house, so I grabbed my keys and texted Darnell I was taking the bike. I rode to a pocket wilderness just north of town and headed into the forest. I’d never been much of an outdoors person before, but now… nothing beat the woods. The trees, the sky, the rushing water, the smells. This was the definition of freedom.
I spent hours walking, and when I returned to the bike, Darnell’s car was parked beside it.
Uncaged Page 11