Serenity

by Rochelle Paige

  I’d spent most of the day obsessing over the envelope I’d swiped from Elaine and Lloyd’s mailbox. I’d pulled the letters out of it over and over again. I’d reread what I’d written to my donor family at least a hundred times, tearing up each and every time. But the real crying came when I smoothed out the type-written letter on the transplant center’s letterhead. The one that I kept hoping would say something different when I opened it the next time. Only it was always the same; the transplant center letting Elaine and Lloyd know that the recipient of one of Declan’s kidneys wanted to reach out to them and they were forwarding their letter.

  My letter.

  I was the recipient of one of Declan’s kidneys.

  Dillon’s twin’s death was the reason I was alive.

  The Montgomerys had been the ones to give me a second chance. And I was petrified that it would be the reason my world was going to be torn apart—if I ever told Dillon the truth.

  “Don’t think about that now,” I mumbled to myself as I peered at my reflection in the mirror, twisting open the bottle of eye drops and squirting both my eyes. I blinked furiously, trying to ease the sting, and dabbed at them with a washcloth. “You’d better pull yourself together or else.”

  I was already doing a crappy job of pretending like nothing was wrong with me. The last thing I needed was for Dillon to realize I’d been crying because that was guaranteed to be the end of his patience. My time would be up, and I wasn’t sure I was ready to run the risk of losing him. Not yet.

  I kept trying to convince myself that the news wouldn’t change anything between us, but how could it not? Dillon had been destroyed by his brother’s death. It had left him reeling for years. Until me. But could I still bring light to his world if he knew that I been a part of the darkness back then?

  “You’re so fucked,” I grumbled as I brushed some powder on my face and swept mascara onto my lashes.

  I had a hard time believing Dillon would still want me in his life if he knew the truth. I didn’t even understand what he saw in me in the first place. Or how he’d fallen in love with me. It was impossible to think he wouldn’t look at me differently if the news got out. That it wouldn’t change everything.

  “It’s not like anyone else wanted you in their life enough to stick around,” I reminded my reflection.

  My eyes filled with tears, but I refused to let them fall. I’d cried enough today already. And I really needed to stop with all the negativity before I let my abandonment issues toss me into a downward spiral.

  “Don’t let this be a self-fulfilling prophecy.” Sarah had forced me to see a few therapists over the years, and the one who I liked best had warned me that my fear of people leaving could end up with me forcing them right out of my life. And she’d been right. It was the reason I never let anyone too close. Until Dillon came barreling into my world and blew my walls apart. I’d let him inside and I needed to find a way to be fearless now that he was there. Which meant figuring out a way to come to terms with the shocking news I’d learned and decide what to do about it.

  “Just not right at this moment.”

  I got my butt in gear and finished getting ready. I was pulling on my shoes when Dillon beeped the horn from the driveway. Slapping a pair of sunglasses on my face, I headed outside and blew him a kiss after I climbed into the passenger seat of his SUV.

  Dillon wrapped his palm around the back of my head and tugged me towards him. His lips crashed against mine, and all my worries fled as I lost myself in his kiss. It was in the moments when we were the closest that I forgot to be afraid. That I felt like our love could withstand anything. And when he finally pulled away, I tried my best to hold on to that confidence.

  “So where are you taking me?”

  He slid his hand along my thigh and laced his fingers through mine where they rested on top of my knee. “You want a hint?”

  “Yes!” Trying to guess what he was up to was one of the best part of his surprises.

  “Okay.” He squeezed my hand and flashed me a grin. “Think big.”

  “How big?”

  “It’s smaller than my SUV but bigger than that bike over there.” He lifted his hand off my knee and pointed out the windshield to a little girl riding a bright pink bike on the sidewalk.

  “We’re going somewhere smaller than this?” I looked around the interior of the vehicle and tried to figure out a place that could possibly fit his hint. “Are you building me a tree house?”

  “A tree house? Really? That’s your guess?” He shook his head and chuckled. “Could you get any more random?”

  “I probably could, but it’s not that random.” His chuckle turned into an outright laugh and I slugged him in the shoulder. “Hey! A tree house is smaller than your SUV so it fits the description.”

  “Still, there has to be more than that to it since there are about a million things you could have guessed instead.”

  “I don’t know.” I shrugged and twisted my hands in my lap. “It’s dumb.”

  “It can’t be dumb if it’s something you want to share with me.” He reached out and pressed his hand against my fists. “Don’t you get it? You can tell me anything, Faith.”

  There had to be a limit to what I could tell him. Right? Even though he sounded convinced that there wasn’t, I still wasn’t sure. At least the tree house thing wasn’t horrible, just a little embarrassing. But still...

  “It was just the first thing that popped into my head.”

  He raised one dark eyebrow and gave me a look that clearly said he wasn’t buying it.

  “Fine. There’s a story behind it,” I sighed. “From a story I used to read when I was a kid. You could pretty much always find me with a book in my hand back then. It was my escape from how crappy things were with my mom.”

  His hand reflexively clenched, and I winced a little at how tightly he held my hands. “Sorry,” he apologized as he loosened his grip. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. It’s just that it kills me to think about how bad your childhood was.”

  “This is one of my good memories,” I reassured him. “When I was in first grade, there was this book fair at school. My mom didn’t send any money in with me, but my teacher had this thing where we could earn bonus bucks for good behavior. Normally, you could only turn them in for stuff like a piece of candy or an extra pencil. But about a month before the book fair she told us that the person with the most bonus bucks earned for the school year could pick out one book to take home with them.”

  I closed my eyes and pictured Miss Mitchell in my mind. She had curly red hair, bright green eyes, pale skin, and she always wore long, flowy dresses to school. I couldn’t remember how many times I wished I could be her when I grew up. I had a serious case of hero worship over her, and that announcement only made me like her even more because it gave me the chance to own a book of my very own.

  “I knew I had a good chance of winning that prize since I never got into trouble at school. And I wanted it so fucking much.”

  “Did you get it?”

  I opened my eyes, turned my head, and smiled at Dillon. “You bet your sweet ass I did. I sucked up to Miss Mitchell like you wouldn’t believe, but it was more than worth it when I got to pick out my book at the fair.”

  “What’d you choose?”

  “Dinosaurs Before Dark.” My smile grew bigger. “I read it at least a million times.”

  “I love that you have memories like that.” Dillon’s grin matched mine. “But why did your favorite childhood book make you guess a tree house for your surprise?”

  “It’s the first book in the Magic Tree House series.”

  “Ahhh, now I get it.”

  “Yeah, I read every book in the series at least once. They were magical.”

  “And they made you want a tree house?”

  “Yup.” I nodded and whispered to myself because I didn’t want to make Dillon think of what he lost, “And a brother.”

  “I’ll have to remember that for another time sin
ce we’re already here.”

  My head jerked up, and I glanced out the window. I’d been so absorbed in my story that I’d missed where we were heading. “We’re at the Volkswagon dealership?”

  “It isn’t the tree house you’ve always dreamed of, but you did say you’d let me buy you a car for graduation.” He pulled into a parking spot and turned towards me. “I figure you aren’t exactly thrilled by the idea of car shopping; what with the way you talked me out of going. But you need a car, so I called ahead and got them to set you up with three choices. A Jetta, a Passat, and an Atlas.”

  “What? No Beetle?” I laughed, unsure how else to respond. I knew it was important to Dillon that I stopped using a rideshare every time I wanted to go somewhere. Since his house was further away from campus than my dorm had been, moving in with him made it harder for me to get around on my own. He was right about me putting this trip off over the weekend. Accepting a car from him when I was keeping such a big secret from him didn’t feel right. But I didn’t see a way out of at least looking at cars since we were already at the dealership.

  Dillon jerked a thumb over his shoulder, pointing towards a row of shiny, new cars. “You can look at as many Beetles as you’d like.”

  He’d just offered me the opening I needed to drag my feet on the car picking process, and I grabbed it with both hands. I had the salesman show me about half a dozen Beetles, plus the three that Dillon had asked them about when he called. The dealership was getting ready to close by the time we finished road testing four of them. I used the late time to put off the final decision and promised Dillon and the salesman that I’d make a choice soon. Dillon wasn’t thrilled with the delay, but after a whispered conversation with the salesman he seemed happier.

  His good mood continued through a quick trip to grab Chinese take-out and setting up our dinner on the back porch. Before we sat down, Dillon pointed towards where a line of trees separated our lot from the neighbors behind us. “I think that’s the perfect location.”

  “Location for what?”

  “The tree house you’ve always wanted.”

  I twirled in his arms and stared up at him in awe. “You’d really build me a tree house?”

  He grinned down at me, his dark eyes twinkling with happiness. “Yeah, but you’d have to share it.”

  “Of course I’d share it with you!”

  “I’m sure we won’t be the only ones who’ll love it in there.”

  I shook my head, unsure who else we’d share a tree house with. “What do you mean?”

  “If we’re lucky, we’ll have some mini me’s and you’s running around the place someday.” I reared backwards, but he didn’t notice. “You’ll read your favorite book to them, and then they’ll get to play in the tree house and imagine themselves in the story.”

  “Dillon, stop.” I slapped my hand over his mouth. It felt like my heart was literally breaking. Dillon loved me so much that he wanted us to build a family. For me to be the mother of his children. It was what I’d always wanted—a family of my own. And Dillon was more than I could have ever hoped for. But he deserved to know the truth, which meant I had to tell him.

  Chapter Four

  Dillon

  Faith had gone from smiling up at me to staring up at me with tears in her eyes—right when I mentioned having children. We’d never talked about it before, and I felt like kicking my own ass for bringing it up on the night things had finally felt like they were getting back to normal with us. I tugged her hand down. “Shit. I’m sorry, I—”

  “No. God, no,” she cried. “You’re not the one who needs to apologize, Dillon. I am.”

  She looked completely devastated, and it freaked me the fuck out. I couldn’t imagine anything she might have done that would warrant such a severe reaction. “What for?”

  “Just hold on a second. I need to show something to you for this to all make sense.”

  Not knowing what to think, I dropped down onto one of the patio chairs and waited for her to come back outside. She was only gone for a minute or two before she came back with an envelope crumpled in her fist. “I’m not sure how to tell you. Even if I could, I’m not sure I could even get the words out. But if you read this, you’ll understand.”

  Her hand trembled as she handed the envelope to me. I glanced down and was surprised to see it was addressed to my parents and the address in the corner was for the transplant center at the hospital. “What is this? Some kind of charity thing for my parents?”

  It could have been something like that since they donated to a lot of hospital causes. They got thank you letters and invitations to events all the time. But with Faith’s reaction to whatever was inside, I knew that wasn’t what it was. The way she shook her head and looked at me with red-rimmed eyes only confirmed it. I flipped the flap of the envelope open and pulled out two sheets of paper. One was type-written and on hospital letterhead. The other was lined paper with what looked like Faith’s handwriting on it.

  “Read the one from them first,” she whispered.

  I looked up and the tears were spilling down her cheeks. Dropping my hand holding the letters into my lap, I focused on her. “I don’t know what these say, but you have to know it doesn’t matter. Whatever it is, it’s not going to change my feelings for you, Faith. I love you. Today. Tomorrow. Always.”

  Her head dropped low, and her shoulders shook. “Please, Dillon. You’re killing me here. Just read the letters.”

  I took a deep breath before unfolding the letter from the hospital first. Then I quickly scanned the note Faith had written and the connection between the two hit me. It had only taken a couple of minutes before I began to question everything I thought I knew about my brother’s death.

  “This isn’t possible,” I mumbled, not understanding how Declan’s name could be listed on the letter from the hospital. “He died in the crash, and that was a month before your transplant. There’s no way you could’ve gotten a kidney from him. Not with that much time in between. There has to have been some kind of mistake.”

  I read the letters again, convinced that it couldn’t be true. If what I was reading was right, then my parents had been lying to me ever since I woke up from my coma.

  “As much as I wish differently, there wasn’t a mistake. After I had agreed to move in with you and finished my last final exam, I decided to let go of some of the emotional baggage I’ve been carrying for years. You’ve made me so happy—changed me for the better. I wanted to give thanks to the family who lost a loved one and offered me a second chance. The transplant center couldn’t give me the name, but they offered to forward a letter from me to my donor’s family. That letter.”

  My hands were shaking as I stared down at the note she’d sent to her donor family. It was crazy to think her love for me had inspired her to write it. The way she’d talked about how hopeless she’d felt back then. How well her life had turned out since the transplant. That she’d fallen in love with me.

  It would’ve been fucking amazing to read this if it hadn’t been accompanied by the letter from the transplant center. The one that explained what they were forwarding and why. If it wasn’t a mistake, that letter was black and white proof that Declan was her kidney donor. “My parents didn’t say anything about donating Declan’s organs, but I can see them doing something like that. It would be just like them to try to help people during the worst time of our lives. But that doesn’t mean there wasn’t a mistake of some kind. Maybe they messed up and forwarded your note to the wrong family.”

  “That’s what I was hoping, too.” Tears streamed down her cheeks as she shook her head. “But I called and asked the receptionist to double-check if it was mailed to the wrong family in error. She’s the one who sent it. She couldn’t confirm the name of the family it was supposed to go to, but she was able to tell me there wasn’t a mistake.”

  “Fuck,” I groaned. “This is really happening.”

  “It is.”

  It wasn’t just the contents of th
e letter that I didn’t understand. It was how Faith got it, too. “If they mailed this to my parents, how the hell did you end up with it? Do they know? Did they give it to you and not even tell me about it?”

  I never would’ve thought they’d do something like that, but I also never expected they’d lie to me about when Declan died.

  “No, your parents haven’t seen the letters.” She took a shuddering breath before continuing. “I saw it when your mom asked me to grab the mail one day, and I just panicked. The coincidence was too much. The envelope was from the same transplant center where I’d gotten my operation and came so soon after I sent them my letter.”

  “So you just took it?” I asked, shocked by her answer.

  “I know it sounds crazy, but I wasn’t thinking clearly. I grabbed it and took off, stopping not too far from their house to read it. It wasn’t until I got home that I even thought about how wrong what I’d just done was.”

  “This is so fucked up,” I muttered. “That was a huge violation of my parents’ privacy. It could have been something else, something not connected to you. And it’s also a crime, Faith. You can’t just go around stealing other people’s mail.”

  “I know,” she whispered.

  “Fuck!” I swore. My mind was reeling. There was so much wrong with this shit storm, and I was busy obsessing over something stupid like her stealing a piece of mail instead of focusing on the worst of it—what’d been inside the envelope in the first place.

  My gaze dropped to her side, right to where I knew her shirt hid the scar from her surgery. “You have Declan’s kidney inside you.”

  She nodded jerkily. “I do.”

  If you had asked me an hour ago if there was anything Faith could tell me that would make me look at her differently or love her any less, I would have said fuck no. But knowing she was standing before me—alive because Declan had died—wasn’t something I could have conceived in my wildest imagination. He’d been the other half of me. His death had been more shattering to me than the injuries I’d suffered in the crash that took his life.