Wanting Amanda

by Wendy Silk

  “Billy, listen, I want you to come out with me and Hailey sometime. Maybe next Saturday night? Pick us up at my place, and we’ll all go out together to get some drinks. Do you want to do that?”

  “Sure, I’d like that,” Billy replied. He caught her eye then, with a serious expression. “Amanda, it’s going to be just fine. I never worry about who I am, and I’m not worried about whether we fit together. You know we do, just as we are.”

  Amanda tucked away her misgivings and headed inside to her rooms, carrying herself a little gingerly as the backs of her thighs prickled from sunburn. Her body knew this was worth doing, so why did her mind have to keep overthinking it?

  Chapter 12: Fever

  Saturday came quickly, but Amanda found herself sidelined that morning by a bad cold. She had begun the day with a headache and the telltale scratch throat that told her something was brewing. By the afternoon, she had to admit that she was in no shape to go out. She called Billy and left a voicemail to let him know that she needed to cancel their date. After that, she texted Hailey to convey the same information, with strict instructions not to visit while she was sick as she would be napping. With no other plans ahead of her that day, she was in bed and asleep by four o’clock.

  Three hours later, her phone rang. It was Billy.

  “Amanda, listen, I’m down here in your lobby. Can you buzz me up, please?”

  She groggily checked the time, leaning across her rumpled sheets to get a glance at her appearance in the mirror. It was not good.

  “Billy, why are you here? Didn’t you get my voicemail? I’m sorry I had to cancel, but I’m really sick.”

  His deep voice answered, “I know you are. Just buzz me up. I’ll only stay a minute: I have some things for you.”

  Amanda frowned, but she got up to do as he had asked. She padded across the thick carpet, her oldest and softest pajama pants swishing as she walked. Her feet sported fuzzy rainbow socks that her mom had given her as a gag gift last Christmas. Her long hair was loose, falling in tangles across her rumpled t-shirt, rather than straight down in her usual glossy mane. Her bedroom had acquired the unmistakable aura of a sickroom. Even though she had only been feeling unwell since this morning, the hours she had spent sleeping during the day made her feel like a shut-in, closed away in her dim room.

  As she heard Billy’s knock at the door, she sighed with exasperation. So much for the idea of dressing up to impress her new lover. At this point, she had abandoned even the most basic precepts of good grooming. Alarmed, she put a hand to her face to check her breath, then she squared her shoulders and opened the door.

  “Billy,” she greeted him crabbily. “What are you doing here? I told you, I had to cancel our date because I have the worst cold I’ve ever had. I’m not in any mood to socialize.”

  He stepped sideways to enter through the door she had barely opened. His eyes crinkled at her as he took in the situation. “Amanda, you look terrible.” He smiled, taking the sting from his words. “I knew you were sick. I got your message; didn’t you get the one I left for you?”

  Amanda regretted being quite so snappish at him. “No, I guess I didn’t. Was it to tell me that you’ve discovered a cure for the common head cold? Because if it isn’t that, then really, why are you here? I feel awful, and I want to be able to do that in private.”

  Billy nodded. “I knew you’d say that.” He pulled his hands forward, showing the shopping bag he’d been hiding behind his back. Without stopping to ask permission, he walked to the kitchen and began unloading groceries from the bag onto the counter. He nodded over his shoulder to her, making a simple identification of each item as he removed it from the bag. “We’ve got...chicken soup, tomato soup, fresh bread, two kinds of tea, juice, fresh oranges and strawberries, and because I know a thing or two, I also picked up a big bar of chocolate for you.”

  Amanda had trailed behind him into the kitchen as he began unloading his shopping. She reached out her hand to pull a chair from the table and collapsed downwards into the seat. Through the fog of her cold, she felt so touched by his thoughtfulness that she almost began to cry in front of him.

  “Do you mean that you came over here with all these things for me, when you already knew we weren’t even going out together tonight?” She sounded like a tired child.

  Billy looked at her and nodded. He wasn’t grinning at her anymore. Instead, he had shrugged into a calm, matter of fact persona that was more easing to her than any joking words could have been. After making an assessment of her state of health, he turned back to the kitchen counter, set a few things to the side, and piled the rest into the otherwise mostly empty refrigerator. As he set the chicken soup on the stove to warm, he hummed under his breath.

  Amanda sat at the table with her head in her hands, watching him. “Billy, don’t you think it’s a little weird that you showed up like this to take care of me? What about boundaries? We hardly know each other. If I’d wanted you over here, I would have invited you.”

  Her testiness did not slow Billy. He continued his work in the kitchen, blandly opening cupboards to get the things he needed. When he had her soup ready, he served it without comment, then turned away again and began cutting fruit. She looked down at her bowl with irritation, but found herself utterly unable to resist the smell of the restorative soup. By the time Billy placed the fruit in front of her, she had devoured her first course. Again, he turned away without comment, this time to make a mug of tea. He set that out on a tray, with bread and butter, then carried it to her bedroom.

  “Wait!” Amanda lifted her head and realized where he was going. “Billy, that’s my room--I didn’t invite you in there.”

  Billy came back down the hallway empty handed, his lips curving gently upwards at her idea of personal boundaries. “Amanda, I’m not here to get into your bedroom. I’m just here to help out. I’ll leave again once I’ve got you back in bed with some solid food inside you.”

  He tidied the few dishes she had used, washing each one by hand, then drying them with a cloth he found in a drawer. Once the kitchen was spotless, he turned back to Amanda and held out his hand to help her from her chair.

  “I’m not an invalid; I can get up by myself,” she muttered.

  “Amanda, I can see that being sick really makes the sweet side of your personality come out,” Billy chuckled. “You remind me of my sister. She used to take care of me when I was sick, but if she caught a cold, she’d have bitten the hand off anybody who tried to help her. I mean that in a nice way, of course,” he amended. “I’ve always been close to my sister.”

  “You’ll have to tell me more about that later. Right now, I have to get back to sleep.” Amanda moved slowly toward her bedroom, feeling like she could fall asleep again and not wake for days. “Are you really following me? What are you going to do, tuck me in?”

  “Yep.” Billy answered in neutral tones. “I don’t mind that you are cranky. It means we’re getting along.” He sat at the foot of her bed as she got in and pulled up the covers. “Here’s how I see it, Amanda. You think you have to be perfect to get people to like you. I’m not saying that you have to try at it. I’d make a guess that you never had to work at being beautiful, or smart, or funny. Look at you. Well, you know, not right this minute.”

  “Ha,” Amanda replied. “With the chicken soup, I get some free analysis?”

  “But you don’t have to be perfect,” Billy continued over her sarcasm. “I like you because you get out there and do what you like. The way we met, for example.”

  She darted a look at him to see if he was making fun of her, but his blue eyes were serious.

  “No, I mean it. I can see that you’ve been hurt. It’s written all over you. But you aren’t giving up on wanting what you want. You do things with your own method. I admire that, Amanda. I don’t care whether you have shiny hair and twelve-hundred dollar shoes, or you haven’t bathed all day and you look like you slept under a hedge last night. I came here today to tell you that. I
like you either way.”

  Amanda stared at him. Her head was throbbing and she couldn’t think of a single word to say.

  “It’s ok,” Billy said. “You probably won’t even remember this conversation after you get some more rest. Go ahead and sleep. Here’s your tea, ready for when you want it. There’s more soup in the fridge, and don’t forget about the chocolate.”

  He rose from the end of the bed and stood tall in her bedroom. Without moving toward her for a kiss or for any touch at all, he stepped backwards toward the door. As he turned to leave, his eyes fell on the open desk drawer, whose contents she had rustled through earlier in a fruitless search for ibuprofen. Sitting there, in the pulled-out drawer, were the two blue jewelry boxes that contained her diamonds from Michael. The engagement ring occupied its own square box, which was closed, but of such a telltale shape that it left only the design to the imagination. The diamond bracelet had slipped partly from its rectangular box, so it lay flat across the cream colored envelopes that her scrabbling fingers had also knocked over. The expensive stones twinkled along the length of the bracelet, even in the low light of the room.

  Billy took in the sight of the jewelry boxes in a moment, then turned for one last glance back at Amanda. She had already begun to doze. Her tangled hair was ribboned across her feather pillow and her hand was curled up under her chin like a comforted little girl.

  He stepped quietly to the front door, closed it with a click, and left.

  Chapter 13: Reminiscing

  When Amanda woke the next morning, she felt almost herself again. She told herself that it was merely the result of a good night’s sleep, not the ministrations of the inscrutable stranger who she was beginning to suspect was essential to her life. No sign of Billy’s visit remained, other than the carefully selected treats he had brought her. He had left her kitchen cleaner than it had been when he arrived. As she sat at her table, remembering the sight of Billy at her kitchen counter the day before, she received a text from Hailey.

  “On my way right now with Starbucks,” it read. “Hope cold is better.”

  Amanda used her few minutes to dress in stretchy black yoga pants and a white t-shirt, then to brush her teeth and hair. Those tasks took all the time she had before Hailey was there, waiting to be buzzed up. Hailey bounced into the room, with a latte in each hand and a bag of croissants tucked under her arm.

  “I knew you were probably not feeling well yet, so I brought our Sunday coffee to you. Sound good?”

  Amanda reached for her own latte and set out plates for the croissants. She gestured Hailey to sit across from her as she leaned back with her legs stretched out on one of the matching couches.

  “I actually feel so much better today. Definitely way better than I expected I would. I can’t think when I’ve had such a nasty cold, but I think it is almost gone now.”

  Hailey twirled her hair absent-mindedly. “Yeah, you did the right thing cancelling our plans last night. Rest is important when you’re sick. But I never heard the whole story from you. You said you wanted me to meet somebody.” She leaned forward, interested now. “Who? Are you seeing somebody here in Austin? Are you supposed to be doing that?”

  Amanda scoffed. “I can do whatever I want here. There’s no question of ‘supposed to.’ And yes, I may have met somebody.” She tried to keep her smile to herself, but failed.

  “I’m intrigued,” Hailey responded archly. “I would love to meet whoever it is that has got you looking like that. I have to say, I’m still not sure I understand where you left things with Michael. I certainly saw the type of person he is, and the way he treated you, but I also know that you’ve agreed to marry him. Are you really planning to go through with it, just to keep Nathan out of trouble?”

  “I know. I wish I could explain why it makes sense to me to protect Nathan, but I can’t,” Amanda answered. “All I can say is that I promised to go back and marry Michael in a year. Until then, I can make my own choices.”

  Hailey looked serious. “Amanda, do you really know what you’re doing? Don’t you think you’ve been coasting a little too long? This belle of the ball stuff in New York—what’s that all about? The Amanda I’ve known for all these years would say that was boring. When was the last time you really tried at something?”

  “I do try at things,” said Amanda, her feelings bruised by this direct criticism. “Why are you taking me to task for this mess? It’s not my fault that I have to do this. Listen, I put a lot of effort into my writing when I was in Dublin, and I’m working hard here at my classes.”

  Hailey’s face lit up. “That’s what I mean, I guess. I love my chemistry work. I always knew it was what I wanted to do, ever since my mom’s cancer. You know what it was like. You stood by me that whole time until we lost her, missing months of your own sophomore year of college. It makes me feel like I have a purpose to be working hard at something and getting better at it every day.” She lowered her chin at her friend, as if she was looking at her over the glasses a teacher might wear. “The thing is, you haven’t been working hard at anything for years. I’ve felt it, but I haven’t known how to tell you that I see you choosing an effortless life. I know you guys have all this money and it makes things easier. But do you want things to be that easy? If you marry Michael, you’ll never really try at anything meaningful again. He’ll make sure of that, and so will your natural laziness.”

  “Hey!” Amanda protested. “I don’t think you’re giving me enough credit. I’ve always done well in my classes, I finished college magna cum laude at Columbia. I’m here at grad school right now.”

  “But you’re leaving after only one year, you’ve told me that. You won’t get your degree. Instead, you’ll return to New York and you’ll petrify into a society matron.” Hailey’s voice grew louder as she pushed her point.

  Amanda looked down at her hands in her lap, her awareness of the accuracy of her best friend’s criticism finally outweighing her pride. “I know. I do have dreams of working toward my goals. I’m not as lazy as you think I am. But yes, maybe I coast a little on things coming easily to me. I’ve been a little lost in the last few years.” She remembered what Billy had said to her last night, as she was falling asleep. Unaware that she was speaking aloud, she continued, “Billy said he likes the way I go after what I want.”

  Hailey looked at her as if she had grown a second head. “Billy? Who is that? Is that the man you wanted me to meet last night? I have to say, if he thinks you are a person who makes things happen, then I like him already. I’m in favor of your relationship.” Then, remembering that anything Amanda did right now had a time limit on it, she amended her words. “Well, not relationship, exactly, since you already know you’re going back to New York. What is it then?”

  Amanda beamed at the question. “I don’t know what is between us, but you’re going to like him, I know that. He’s the campus gardener. The man I was always staring at. I’ve finally met him, and I think I’m falling in love with him.”

  Chapter 14: Surveillance

  As always, Saturday night came again. The plans for drinks had been put off by just one week, but Amanda felt a surge of anticipation as if she had been waiting for months. She had refused to tell Hailey any more about Billy, wanting to see her friend’s reaction for herself when they met.

  The two women were dressed and ready long before the agreed upon time. Just as they had done every summer that Hailey spent with Amanda in New York, they spent far more time that necessary arranging each other’s clothes and makeup. Their goofing around was, at least for Amanda, a cover for nervous energy.

  She tipped the last of her wine into her mouth, swaying to the music they were playing at high volume in her living room. As she swallowed the dry white wine, she heard her doorbell ring and she knew it was Billy. She thought of inviting him up as she had done at their first meeting. The thought warmed her, as she replayed that first time in her mind, thinking of his hands on her hips as he stood behind her.

  Ha
iley turned to her, smirking as if she could guess what her longtime friend was thinking. “Shall we invite him up for some wine before we head out?”

  Amanda tried to laugh off her nervousness. “No, let’s just go out.” She still hadn’t told Hailey how much had happened between her and Billy. All Hailey knew was that Amanda had finally spoken to him and that she had spontaneously invited him out tonight. The rest felt too private to share. Usually they told each other about guys, even when the stories were pretty racy. Especially then. Hailey had heard all about the men Amanda had been with in Dublin. But Amanda hadn’t felt that she wanted to tell anybody what she and Billy had been up to, in case her euphoria vanished when the affair was examined too closely.

  Amanda and Hailey re-applied their lipstick, collected their tiny purses, and went downstairs to meet Billy. Amanda, who had been thinking of Billy and little else for a week, felt her heart lurch in her chest when she saw him. Had she expected that he would show up in work boots with grass in his hair? He looked sexier than ever in his clean cut button down shirt and fresh jeans. His simple style and natural good looks allowed him to blend in with any group of students at school. Of course nobody would know he was a manual laborer rather than a student or young professional.

  Billy’s keen eyes on her face told her wordlessly that he knew exactly what he was thinking. He quirked an eyebrow at her as he put his arm loosely around her shoulder. “I’m sure we can find a way to blend in,” he murmured in her ear. “Well, at least I can. I think you probably always stand out, Amanda.”

  She leaned against him, relaxing. It was true. She was the one that couldn’t ever find a way to blend in. It wasn’t just her looks. She had always been that way. But standing next to this powerful yet kind man, she felt like she could go anywhere and blend in happily with any crowd.

  As they started off, walking three abreast, Hailey suggested, “Why don’t we hit the Irish pub? We can just walk over there. It’s such a nice evening.”