Wanting Amanda

by Wendy Silk

  Billy brushed past her. “Ron, I’ll see you later. We’re not done talking about this.”

  As Amanda trailed behind him, she twitched a hand at her side in a movement that was almost a wave of apology to Ron. It wasn’t his fault that Michael had been watching her and that he thought he could offer anybody money to do what he wanted. She had just done the same thing, and she was sure she was a better person that Michael. At least she had been, a long time ago.

  Billy closed the truck door firmly at her side, then came around and climbed up into the cab. They pulled away from the curb, heading back to campus as fast as Billy could get them. “Wow, that was impressive, Amanda.” His words were flat, as if the usual easy music of his personality had been shut off abruptly.

  “Is that how you solve problems?” He was beyond being angry. His voice was now that of a stranger’s. “I brought you here so we could talk to Ron and try to work it out. He would have done what I said; he needs me for his business. But you had to turn up your nose at his cheap little house--I noticed that, believe me. Then you had to practically whip out your checkbook. Were you really going to give me money? Was the money to get me to stop asking embarrassing questions, or was it just to pay me for my time? Don’t you think you sometimes take this rich girl nonsense too seriously?”

  Amanda felt herself growing smaller in her seat. “It’s not nonsense, it’s who I am.” She watched his hands on the steering wheel, afraid that she would never feel them on her skin again. “OK, maybe it’s not the only part of me, but sometimes I feel like it might take over if I’m not careful.”

  She drew a shaky breath and tried to apologize. “Billy, I’m sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking. I didn’t mean to insult you by offering you a check. I just thought you might need some help, since you aren’t getting your job back.”

  “Why would I take your money?” Billy answered. “That’s not help, that’s condescension, pure and simple. That’s the best thing I could say about it. The worst is something I don’t even want to say out loud.”

  “I’m sorry,” Amanda repeated herself. “I don’t know how to explain myself any better than this. I felt trapped, so I said the wrong thing.”

  “Amanda, it wasn’t my intention to corner you. Although it is true that I was curious to see how you would respond to meeting Ron. He’s not a bad guy. I’ve been friends with his brother forever, so I’ve known Ron a long time. He’s a mess, that’s true. But whoa, that stuff you were spouting about being ‘on another level’ was just plain crazy. You really think that there’s a fundamental difference between you and people like me and Ron?”

  Amanda raised her hand to her aching forehead. “I don’t know. I didn’t think I did, but maybe I do. Maybe that’s just the kind of person I am.”

  They drove in silence for a minute. Amanda felt her secret gnawing at her until she couldn’t hold it back another moment. It was too late for anything to work out now. Billy was lost to her; he found her small mindedness appalling. Why not tell him the whole story now?

  Amanda spoke as bravely as she could. “Billy. let me tell you what that was really all about. You’re right of course. Ron didn’t make up that story about being bribed. But aren’t you wondering why somebody would pay Ron to try to keep us apart?”

  She stole a glance at his face, but it revealed no curiosity at all.

  “Billy, you don’t understand. I’m already engaged to somebody else. I’ve agreed to marry a man back in New York. I was just stealing some time with you. I think I always knew it was never going to work out. We are from different worlds, whether or not you think that matters.”

  Chapter 19: Incompatibility

  After Amanda’s admission that she had already promised herself to Michael, neither of them spoke again as they made the short drive back to her dorm. So many contradictory feelings hung in the air between them that Amanda could no longer be sure what she felt. How was it possible that Billy hadn’t responded to what she had told him? She was going to marry another man. Had he left her words unanswered because they meant nothing at all to him?

  As Billy parked the pickup truck, Amanda touched his arm lightly. “Come up and talk. Please.”

  Billy did not respond, but he came around to her door, helped her down, and stayed at her side as they made their way up to her rooms. As she led the way into her living room, he closed the door gently behind them. She knew she couldn’t be the only one remembering their first time together, when he had done the same thing and they had joined their bodies in fiery passion. She saw in his eyes that he was thinking of that afternoon as well.

  “Today is different, Amanda,” Billy answered her unspoken thought. “I don’t see any way that we can be together. You’re right, this was never going to work out.”

  Despite his words, he reached his right hand behind her waist and pulled her to him. Their bodies pressed together. His left hand went to her cheek and stroked along her face and down her neck.

  As always, Amanda’s resolve melted when she felt Billy’s touch. She arched her back, making her soft throat vulnerable to him. He lowered his lips and kissed her smooth skin, moving down toward the neckline of her t-shirt. Amanda felt herself growing wet for him. She knew she had to have him again. This couldn’t be over, no matter what mistakes she had made. Even once more would be better than never feeling his hands on her hips again.

  Billy’s rough cheek brushed harder against her neck, his lips moving with a greater urgency. She knew he was feeling the same overwhelming desire that burned within her. His hands cupped her breasts, moving inside her fitted black shirt, hiking it up to bare her trim midriff. His touch was rougher than it had been before, as if he was feeling so much conflict in his own feelings that he wanted to hold her tightly to make sure they stayed together.

  Then, without warning, he dropped his hands from her and took a step back. She stumbled, not ready to be without him. He held his arms loosely at his sides, relaxing his fingers, and calmed his breathing. His jaw firmed as he found the strength to step back again, away from her.

  “Amanda, let’s face the facts,” Billy said. “You are planning to marry somebody else. How could you not have told me this, as close as we’ve been? Were you afraid that I wouldn’t see you anymore if I knew that you considered this just a fling?”

  “Isn’t that all it was for you?” As Amanda spoke, she knew she didn’t believe her own words. Billy had rushed into sex with her just as quickly as she had with him. But he had never indicated that it was meaningless or even temporary. On the contrary, he had sought her out and tried to get to know her. He already understood her more than Michael ever would.

  “I can’t believe you,” Billy responded. “It was never just a fling, not for either of us. Not even that first time when you threw yourself at me.” He stared at her, his face a battleground of his deep desire for her, and his disgust at the length she was willing to go to deny her own feelings.

  “Was that a mistake?” Amanda asked. “Did I make it so that we could never have a normal relationship, just because I wanted you so much that I rushed it from the beginning?”

  Billy slowly shook his head. “No, you’ve never understood that. I didn’t think any less of you because you wanted to act on what you felt. I admired you for seizing the moment and not taking yourself too seriously. Sometimes that’s a lot harder to do than sitting around planning things and wishing you had something that you’re too scared to grab. And sometimes the better you know somebody, or the more you hear them talk, the worse they sound.”

  Amanda closed her eyes briefly, then opened them again to look at him. “Touché. I know I acted like a real jerk back at Ron’s house. I guess it’s true that there are parts of me that you just don’t like. That happens when you get to know somebody.” She essayed a small smile at him, hoping to lighten the mood.

  Billy nodded without smiling in return. “That’s true. I’m not going to forget about the way you talked to me. Ever.”

  A
manda drew a long breath. “Billy, there’s more. It’s not just that I have a fiancé that I left back home. Lots of people have long distance relationships that might not work out. Those people are free to break it off if they meet somebody else, or if they realize that they made a mistake. But for me, the awful truth is that I have to marry him. He’s ruthless; you’ve seen that. He’s having me followed down here. He even paid your boss to fire you.”

  “That’s crazy,” Billy answered. He turned from her and began to pace along the length of her carpet. “You must be crazy to plan to marry somebody so unpleasant that they would do what he’s done to you. How could you even stay with him after what happened in New York?”

  Amanda had been silently biting her lower lip as she listened to him. Now, her mouth dropped open in shock. “What are you talking about? You don’t know anything about what happened in New York.” With a sinking sensation, she realized that he did. And if he already knew, then how long had he known? How long had he been keeping secrets from her?

  “Amanda, how can you be so dense?” Billy replied. “Of course I know about New York. I know about your society life and your engagement party. I have the super secret information about your asshole fiancé deliberately embarrassing you in front of everybody you know, while you stood there and took it. I just don’t know why you would do that. Where’s your spine?”

  “How long have you known?” That was all Amanda could choke out. “I thought I was starting fresh here.”

  “I know exactly who you are, Amanda.” Billy’s eyes had never searched her own more intently. She could see in his gaze the piercing lust that they had felt for each other; it was still there. With it, she now saw compassion for her predicament. Yet that warred with judgment for her mistakes. “I’ve always known who you were, from that first day I felt your debutante eyes undressing me while I worked.” He smiled at her memory, but the expression was fleeting and was quickly replaced with something sadder.

  Amanda didn’t know how to answer her this. “You knew all this time that I was engaged to somebody else?” She sputtered with disbelief. “I don’t believe you. Your would never have gotten involved with me. That’s not the kind of person you are.”

  “Is it the kind of person you are?” Billy asked her. “Maybe getting together with you wasn’t a great choice,” he admitted. “But yes, I did know. You are pretty eye-catching, Amanda, and I figured it out right away. I have a good friend in New York; her name is Jess Viner. She leads a fancy life up there, hobnobbing with old money. She’s on a museum board with your mother. What are the odds, right?”

  He paused. “There’s more. Jess was at your engagement party. She saw the whole scene with your fiancé. She told me how cruel he was to you and how you just accepted it.”

  Amanda gasped, unable to hide the pain that it gave her to think of that night. Did the whole world know how Michael had talked to her that evening? She couldn’t look at Billy properly now, knowing that he had always seen her as that girl from the party. He must think she was an idiot, to stay with Michael after he showed his true colors like that.

  “But Billy, you asked me what I was running from,” she protested. “I remember it, the night we went to the Irish pub and that guy was taking photos.”

  “No, I didn’t. I already knew the whole story. I asked you to tell me what you were running from, but only because I wanted to hear it from your lips. I wanted you to trust me enough to say it.” Billy watched her face carefully. “But you didn’t. I don’t know if it’s because you didn’t trust me or if it’s that you still can’t trust yourself. Why are you doing this? There must be more to it. I don’t believe that you’d go through with this marriage, especially now. Now that we’ve found each other. Is it really about money? I’ve seen the diamonds in your desk drawer. Is that what it takes to get your attention?”

  “No! It’s not about being rich. And it’s not about us, or whether I trust you,” Amanda glared at him. “That part of my life is private. I was always going to keep that separate from us.” As she spoke, her resolve to go back to Michael began to unravel. How could she have thought that this affair with Billy was something she could compartmentalize from her real life? Billy was everything to her; her feelings for him came from the very core of her being.

  Just as she reached this new understanding of how she felt about him, she saw that she had said the worst thing possible to him.

  Billy’s face was so still that he might have been a statue. “Which ‘part of your life?’” Billy ground the words out. “You’re telling me right now that New York is your real life, aren’t you? Being here with me is just some kind of game for you, right? You think you’ll just play around here and then go back to Michael when you’re done. When you’re done with me.”

  Amanda winced. “Maybe I thought that at first, yes.”

  Billy’s face was like stone. She longed for the times when he had twinkled his smile at her, teasing her with his easy charm.

  He sighed. “OK, let’s finish this,” Billy went on. “Go ahead and admit why you thought it would be so easy to leave our relationship behind and go back to the wedding you’ve planned with another man. It was because you always thought you were better than me.”

  Amanda wished sharply that he was wrong, but she knew there was a grain of truth in what he was saying.

  Billy’s words were like ice. “You thought you were Miss Perfect Rich Girl and I was a laborer, right? All this time, you’ve just been fucking the gardener. Seeing how the other half lives? Trying something new that you can giggle about with your girlfriends? You were just living out some fantasy, but you know what? I’m a real person.”

  Amanda couldn’t hold her head up against the shame she felt as she became aware that Billy’s words were precisely on target. All those things had been true, at least at first. She had been attracted to him because he was so different. His physical presence was like nothing she had ever seen before. She was used to men who wore their bodies like designer accessories purchased at luxury department stores. It had been a revelation to be with Billy, who lived within his sexuality and his muscular frame with perfect comfort, never needing to prove anything. She had idealized him so much that she had forgotten that he was an individual that she might hurt through her own carelessness.

  “Billy, you still don’t understand. You don’t know Michael. You don’t know what he’s capable of. I have to go back to him; it’s not a choice I’m making. It was never that I wanted him more than you.”

  His expression of anger slid away, replaced by something new that she couldn’t quite identify. Was it disgust at both of them?

  “Yes, you wanted me more,” Billy spoke with finality. “You wanted me for sex—you were using me for sex, and I knew it. I knew all along that you were engaged and to what sort of man. So what does that make me? Whatever the answer to that is, I’d do it again. That’s what you don’t understand. I wanted you by my side forever. I loved you, Amanda.”

  His eyes blazed down into hers with a look of yearning that almost scared her. Nobody had ever looked at her like that before.

  Amanda spoke as if in a dream, “I’m going back to Manhattan, to Michael, in the morning.” Her heart felt as though it might leap from her chest, which would be just fine; she would never need it again.

  Billy turned away from her. There was nothing left for either of them to say. He ducked his head to hide the truth of what he had just declared to her. Then he slipped through her front door and softly closed it for the last time.

  Chapter 20: Understanding

  On his way out the main door of Amanda’s dorm building, Billy brushed against Hailey’s arm. He showed no sign of slowing down, instead only offering a wave behind him as he strode away. Undaunted by his rudeness, Hailey changed direction and hurried to catch up with him

  “Billy! I was just stopping in to see Amanda too. I know she’s been looking for you. She said you hadn’t been working in the gardens and she missed seeing you ther
e.”

  He uttered a brief guffaw. “I’m sure she did.” His sense of humor broke through then, in the form of a real smile. Seeing that Hailey had no intention of letting him storm off without an explanation, he motioned her to a spot next to him on one of the garden benches.

  Hailey shrugged off his oblique comment. “I don’t know what’s been happening between the two of you, but I need to ask you about that night at the pub, when you scared off the guy taking photos. Why would he have been taking pictures of you and Amanda? She wouldn’t answer me when I asked her.”

  “Don’t you know?” Billy was surprised.

  Hailey narrowed her eyes at him. “What’s with the attitude? Why would I know? I never saw that guy before that night.”

  Billy relaxed a little next to her. “I can see that you’re telling the truth. I know that Amanda was worried that you had betrayed her. That guy was taking photos for Michael, of course. What I can’t understand is why in the world she would still be planning to marry that creep. I can tell she is afraid of him. She doesn’t love him, I’m sure of it.”

  Hailey paused, taking in this new information. “I think maybe I haven’t understood how serious you and Amanda have gotten. I thought it was just a flirtation.”

  “Yep, that might be one way to describe it,” Billy’s voice was bitter.

  “But what do you mean ‘betrayed her?’” Hailey continued. “She and I have been best friends since we were kids. I would never sell her out. I didn’t have anything to do with somebody spying for Michael. You’re forgetting that I’ve met the man. He is every bit as loathsome as you think he is. I would never help him.”

  “Why?” Billy couldn’t help asking. “Why is she willing to marry him?”