The Man Test

by Amanda Aksel

  “Okay. If they go for it, I’ll go for it.”

  Holly smiled. “What about James?”

  I shrugged. “I don’t even know where to begin with him.”

  “What if you explain everything? I mean you’re not crazy, you were heartbroken.”

  “I doubt he would see it that way. Plus, he has his own issues with deception. He’ll probably never trust another woman again, especially me.” I frowned, knowing that getting James back would be a hopeless cause.

  “You know that for sure?”

  “Yeah, I’m pretty positive he wants nothing to do with me.”

  “Well, you’ll never know for sure until you try. You care about him right?”

  I nodded and my eyes stung with a fresh glaze of tears. My situation had come full circle, heartbroken, tearful, and pathetic.

  “I think I’m in love with him.” My heart pounded deeply as the words left my mouth and got caught in my throat. It was the first moment I realized just how much I cared about James.

  “Then you have to go get him,” Holly said, and she was right. If I wanted James back, I would have to go for it. Really go for it. I’d be taking a big chance, bigger than leaving Chad, bigger than playing James, and bigger than fooling myself. It was my true make it or break it moment, and I was ready because I believed in love. I stood for love—morning breath, movie-night in, grow old together love.

  “Okay,” I said. “I’m gonna do it.”

  Holly applauded, beaming, then tackled me with a playful hug. We sat side by side, our arms around one another, and our heads leaning together.

  “Are we okay?” I asked.

  “Yeah.”

  “You’re a good friend, Holly. You have every reason to be angry with me right now, but instead you’re here, helping me.”

  She released herself from our embrace and looked at me. “Marin, you’re my family. Yes, what you did was bad, but you’re not a bad person. I know that better than anyone. You’re going to have to do a lot worse to get rid of me.” She pinched my cheek and I smiled. And in that moment, we were kids again and she was forgiving me for selfishly eating all of the good cereal. Just like that, we were back to being us.

  The next day I took a basket of muffins to Rachel and David’s house in an attempt to make amends. Rachel was home alone, dressed casually in jeans and a t-shirt with her hair in a messy ponytail. Her eyelashes were so thick and dark even without mascara that she appeared evening ready. She thanked me for the pastries and offered me a cup of coffee. We sat in her kitchen eating from the basket of goods while we cleared the air.

  “I want you to know I’m not mad at you over any of this,” Rachel said.

  “You’re not?” I asked.

  “No. Why should I be? Besides, you’re the one who told me not to go looking for trouble unless I was ready to deal with finding it.”

  “So why did you go looking for trouble?” I asked.

  She sighed and looked away. “I always had the thought in the back of my mind and in the pit of my stomach, but I ignored it because I was so in love with him. I just needed to know for sure.”

  “Well now that you know, how do you feel?” I asked and waited patiently while she seemed to thoroughly consider her answer.

  “I have so many feelings and don’t know what to think. I don’t know what to think about love or marriage or trust”

  “Yeah, but how do you feel?”

  “I love David, despite everything. He’s my husband. On the other hand, I don’t know if I want to put up with it. The memory of it will never go away.”

  “I know how you feel. Looking back, I gave up because what we had wasn’t worth fighting for, not because he cheated. I know I can do better.”

  “Yeah, I thought about that. Part of me feels like I can do better, but the other part of me feels like David takes good care of me. He makes me laugh, he helps me with the dishes, he even supports my scrapbooking hobby.” She let out a little laugh and I joined.

  “Those are important things too. Do you really want to give those up because of one mistake.”

  “No, not for one mistake, but how can I trust he won’t do it again every chance he gets?” I watched her face turn sorrowful, tears wetting her eyes. She picked needlessly at her banana nut muffin. It broke my heart to see her like that, especially because I knew all too well what it was like, the racing thoughts, the sleepless nights, the decisions about the future. Her road was not an easy one, but I wanted to be there to see her through no matter what she decided. I couldn’t let her go off the deep end and make the same mistakes I had.

  “I don’t know Rachel, but I want to help you find out. I want you and David to start seeing me a couple times a week for counseling. If you want to try, I can help you.”

  She let out a big sob and she covered her face with her hands. “Really?” she asked through her tears. I nodded. She grabbed me tightly, and I held her while she cried on my shoulder. All I wanted was to hold her and take her pain away.

  “Thank you,” she said, and I smiled with relief.

  It had been less than a week since my whole world shattered in front of me. Again. Already I was making headway toward putting it back together. Holly and I were in a good place. Rachel agreed to start counseling, and I was starting to feel more like myself again. The issue of James still loomed, but I planned to make an honest and humble attempt to tell him how I felt.

  Later, I took a cab, a box of things he left at my place, and my timorous nerves to his apartment. Since his car was parked on the street, there was a good chance he was home. My hands shook as I walked up the stairs to the door and buzzed his apartment. I held my breath.

  “Hello?” he spoke through the intercom. The sound of his voice made the shiver in my hands shoot throughout the rest of my body, and my heart pounded in my ears.

  “It’s Marin, can I come up?” I waited for his response, dreading the answer no. The intercom clicked on with a deep sigh.

  “I don’t want to see you right now.” I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, trying not to get upset.

  “I brought your stuff back,” I said into the intercom.

  “Just leave it on the steps.”

  He wouldn’t even let me upstairs to his door, not even to shut it in my face. I felt defeated and decided to cut my losses, leaving the box of things behind me. When I reached the sidewalk I glanced up at the building at his window. We were physically so close, and yet so emotionally far away from where we were. I wasn’t sure if I would have the courage to come back and try again, so I turned around, walked back up the stairs, and buzzed his apartment again. He didn’t say anything.

  “James, if you can hear me . . . ” I started, gulping down my pride, “I want you to know that I’m sorry. I’m not at all proud of what I’ve done, and I don’t intend to defend it.” I let the intercom go for a moment. No response.

  “What I did to you was terrible and there are no excuses for it. I think you deserve an explanation why.” I paused and looked around. This was a private matter, but given that I was standing outside of the building, it felt public. And I was right. Standing on the sidewalk was an older couple just watching me, listening. They seemed to have no shame about it too. Old people get away with a lot sometimes. I gave them a humiliating glare, cleared my throat, and continued my plea.

  “The reason is, I was heartbroken. I came home one night to find my fiancé having an affair. It destroyed me and everything I believed in. I thought that I would never breathe again. Then I found this stupid book that said all men cheat and lie about it. That it's in their nature and there’s no exceptions. And I believed it. I believed it so much that I was determined to prove that his affair was in no way my fault.” By then, a woman and her dog had stopped next to the old couple, everyone seemed to hang on my every word. As if pouring my heart into an intercom wasn’t mortifying enough, James’ neighborhood wanted to humble me further. I sighed.

  “So I used you. Unforgivably, I used you. Aft
er the camping trip, I decided to call it off. I had real feelings for you. I have feelings for you, but I couldn’t carry on a relationship that I started dishonestly. Then David cheated on Rachel and I got all fired up again, and then you found out. So what I’m trying to say is I'm sorry. I wish I could take it all back, because you are a great man, and I know now that you were faithful. I am so sorry I tried to disprove that. You deserve someone as amazing as you are, someone who would never doubt you for a second. And . . .” I started crying there in front of the old couple, the woman, her dog, some teenager on his bike, and the intercom.

  “I wish I could go back, and I wish I could be that person for you.” I let the intercom go so I could let out a sob. It was pitiful, but my attempt was honest and complete. I pressed the intercom button one last time. “Goodbye James. I wish you all the best.”

  I rushed downstairs past the crowd that assembled to watch my confession. My feet couldn’t carry me any faster as the wind dried my tears. When I got home, Holly and Telly were waiting for me with coffee and my favorite blueberry scones. I skipped both and instead curled up on the couch to mope.

  “What happened?” Holly asked.

  “He wouldn’t even see me. I had to apologize over his building’s intercom while the neighbors watched. It was humiliating.” They expressed wide eyes and pouted lips.

  “Do you think he heard it?” Telly asked.

  “I don’t know. It doesn’t matter. It’s over. He won’t even see me. I’m alone again.” I leaned into Holly, sobbing. Telly sat on the other side next to me and put her arm over my shoulders. It broke my heart to think that I had ended up at the same bitter end where I started six months earlier.

  “You’re not alone, Marin,” Telly said.

  Holly lifted my chin so I could see her face. “You have us,” she said. I was touched, fortunate to have such amazing friends.

  “I love you guys,” I said.

  “We love you too,” they said.

  The three of us huddled together on my couch, grieving the things we lost and grateful for the things we still had.

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  Comes Around . . .

  It was a Tuesday morning when I awoke suddenly from a dream about James and I walking in the park. Nothing special or unique, but it felt so real. At one time, it was real. I closed my eyes and tried to return to the dream, wanting to have another moment with him, but it was gone. My waking remnants of the dream made me miss him even more than I had in those last few weeks since I attempted to clear things up with him. Since then, I had resisted the urge to call or stop by his apartment. My heart skipped a beat, every time someone knocked on my door or called my phone. I always hoped it was James, but it never was.

  It was a quiet, cool October morning. A morning like that should’ve felt peaceful, but instead it felt empty, lonelier than ever. Holly had moved back into her own apartment, which had been a difficult adjustment. I had less in my life to keep me distracted from the pain I felt and the pain I caused.

  To cope, I busied myself with work, taking on more patients and working later hours. Unbelievably, Andy still counseled me, putting me through an emotional boot camp. It was a rare, yet effective style. His style. He helped me understand my insecurities about my family, about what happened with Chad, and about myself. I made good progress—his words, not mine. But that’s the thing about therapy, the patient is really the only one who knows when they’re ready to move on.

  On my way to work, I got my usual call from Telly.

  “What’s up, girl?” she asked with excitement.

  “The usual. What’s going on?”

  “Same. So listen, why don’t you and I get all dressed up and go out tonight. I can’t even remember the last time we went to a bar together,” she said.

  “No, I can’t. I have to work. Plus the marathon’s coming up soon, and I don’t feel like going out drinking,” I said, which was the truth.

  “Marin, you’ve been working like crazy lately. Can’t you get out of it and go out with me? Please!”

  “I’m really not in the mood, Tell.”

  “I get it. You’re in a funk. I’m trying to help you out of it. Come out with me for one hour. If you feel the same then we can go back to your place and watch reruns of The Golden Girls.”

  “You’re the only person I know who still watches that show.”

  “Whatever, are you coming or not?” she said.

  I knew she wouldn’t stop until I said yes. “Fine, but just for an hour.”

  That evening I left work around six, giving myself plenty of time to get ready. It was the first time I had been out with Telly in months. We’d slowed down on the bar scene after I was “settled” with James and she was settled with Will. Now, since we were both newly single, it seemed perfectly natural to venture out again, if not just for a couple of hours of needed attention. Though, the only man’s attention I yearned for was James’, and I didn’t think that would change anytime soon.

  Telly picked me up around eight and we headed back to Bleeker, the bar where I’d met Anderson.

  “Here, Telly? Can’t we go somewhere else?” I didn’t want to risk running into Anderson again. Ever.

  “No, this is a great place to meet decent guys. It’ll be fun.” Telly’s definition of a decent guy was one who was good looking and well off with the emotional and physical attention span of a week. It wasn’t my scene and I was uncomfortable long before we entered the bar.

  I scoped out the place for Anderson and, of course, James. Every tall, sandy blonde-haired guy I caught a glance of looked like him for a moment. I needed a drink. Telly nursed her single Tartini, while I quickly downed a double martini.

  “Try not to look so sad. You’re scaring the men away,” Telly whispered.

  “Sorry, I miss James,” I pouted.

  “I know you do, but it’s time to move on. Remember, casual relationships are the way to go. It’s nearly impossible to get hurt.”

  “Is that why you dumped Will?”

  “No, I left Will because I missed going out like this. I’m not ready to give up the chase, the new feeling, the freedom,” she said.

  “Don’t you think you’d be more fulfilled knowing that someone loves you and wants to be with you after the newness fades away?” I asked.

  “I don’t look for fulfillment in other people, especially not men. Marin, we’ve talked about this. Do you think I changed my mind just because you regressed back to your old belief that relationships are the key to everlasting happiness?”

  “I guess I’m realizing that we’re all different. Some of us are not monogamous relationship people and some of us are. I was stupid to think I could convert. I’m a relationship person and I think James is too. I wish I’d realized it sooner.”

  She gave me a sour face and our waiter arrived with fresh drinks.

  “From the gentleman at the bar,” the waiter said. The man waved to us from the dim lit bar. Telly smiled flirtatiously and waved back.

  “Oh, I am liking his little bits of salt and pepper,” she said. I sighed irritably. Andy was the gentleman sending over drinks. He picked up his Jack and coke and approached us.

  “Hi, Marin,” he said and glanced sensually at Telly.

  “You two know each other?” Telly said. I glared at him as if to telepathically say, don’t you dare.

  “Telly, this is Andy from work,” I said.

  “Andy . . . I’ve heard so much about you,” she said as she shook his hand. One of my worst fears was that the two of them would meet. They were attractive, smart, and successful with an appetite for sex. Yep, they were birds of a feather and something was bound to happen. Something bad.

  “Good things I hope,” he said.

  “Well, mostly good.” She flirted and I rolled my eyes. Could the night get any worse?

  “I’m gonna go back. I just saw you here and wanted to buy you ladies a drink,” he said, and I felt instantly relieved.

  “No, you should stay,�
�� Telly offered, and when she asked a man to stay, he stayed.

  “I guess I can stay for one drink.”

  He sat down and inched closer to Telly. She edged a little closer to him too. I wasn’t in the mood to go out, but I was in even less of a mood to watch Telly and Andy flirt in front of me only to imagine him taking her home. Yuck!

  “I’m gonna go. It’s been about an hour, and I wanna go home,” I said as I stood and grabbed my purse.

  “I’ll take you home,” Telly said.

  “No, you stay. I’ll call you tomorrow.”

  “Are you sure?” Andy asked.

  I nodded and hugged Telly goodbye. I thanked Andy for the drink, which I quickly downed before heading outside to find a cab.

  The next morning, Telly didn’t call on my way to work, and I resisted the urge to call her thinking I might risk Andy answering the phone. I shuddered at the thought. Ten minutes after I arrived to work, Andy was in my doorway.

  “It was good seeing you last night,” he said. I glanced up briefly and continued the work I’d barely started.

  “Yeah, you too.” He came in and sat on the edge of my desk.

  “I like your friend, Telly. That girl is something else,” he said with a satisfied smile.

  “Spare me the dirty details, please. She’s my best friend.”

  He scoffed. “Hold on, you think I took her home?”

  “Didn’t you?” I asked, instantly regretting not staying or making her leave with me. Telly and Andy together? It was all too weird.

  “No.” He looked offended, which wasn’t easy to do. “I know my moral compass doesn’t always point north, but I still have one. We’re colleagues, but you’re also my patient. I can’t go around screwing my patient’s best friends. It wouldn’t be right.”

  “So you two didn’t sleep together?”

  “No, but I did get her card. As soon as you’re done with therapy, I’m going to call her,” he said, backing out of my office and taunting me by flashing her business card. I threw my pen at him, but he blocked it with his shoulder.