“Well,” Iris says breezily. “This is uncomfortable.” She turns to Haley and Sophie. “You guys are just as good as Ivy. Believe you can beat her, push yourself, and you can.”
“Yeah, right,” Haley says. “I can’t move any faster right now. I’d never beat her.”
“Guys, we’re not competing against each other,” I say, trying to remind them what really matters here. Neither Sophie nor Haley wants to take swimming further than high school. They both want it as a fallback in case they need it for college, but they have never been too worried about being the fastest before.
Why now?
“Come on, Ivy,” Sophie says. “We all want to be the best.”
“Damn straight!” Iris exclaims. “You want it, babe, you take it.”
It’s all I can do not to kick her. Why is she rooting for someone else?
My heart sinks as I realize that my twin wants me to lose.
17
Two weeks have passed very slowly. We’re almost at the end of another school week. Iris has been a nightmare through every class the last three days. If she’s not whispering to me, she’s tapping her pen on her books or humming to herself.
She didn’t do it the first week, so I don’t know what is going on with her.
It feels intentional—like she knows I only work my best with very few distractions and she’s trying to mess me up. But why? Not to mention that she barely does any work, so now I’m stressing about her passing her classes. What’s going to happen if she fails?
I have a session with Meera straight after school, and then I’m free. I have a full weekend planned, though, so there won’t be much relaxing. Tomorrow I’m spending the morning in the pool with Haley and Sophie; then in the evening I’m going out with Ty. On Sunday, Nan and Grandad are visiting.
It will be the first time we’ve seen them since Mom’s funeral, and I know Dad is nervous about having his ex-in-laws over. We were going to spend the day at their house, but Iris doesn’t want to go back into the city.
She doesn’t seem to want to go anywhere near memories of Mom.
Dad must be a little frustrated with her, but he never says a word. I think she could do pretty much anything right now and he would let her off. But it’s only a matter of time before he goes full dad-mode on her. She’s not going to like all the rules she’s about to have imposed. I can’t wait for that day, because then at least we’ll be on the normal track, out of this tiptoeing around her limbo stage.
Mom didn’t have a curfew, though I think if it was past midnight on a school day she might have called. I remember so many times when I’d visit, Iris would come home around one in the morning.
As long as Mom knew where we were, she didn’t mind how long we were out. Though I can’t imagine Iris stayed at her friends’ houses all night. Over the past two years, Iris had started visiting us for shorter periods. Her three weeks turned into two. She would give the excuse of events happening back home, but in reality, it was probably because she didn’t have the freedom or the friends here.
She doesn’t seem to have that problem here now, though. She’s latched very well on to my friends and they seem to be annoyed at me. I don’t even know what to do with that, but I’m sure it’ll blow over.
Haley and I are researching in the library. I don’t know where Iris is, but she was walking with Ellie, so I assume they’re together in here somewhere.
It’s nice to have Haley to myself for a while.
“What time are we meeting at the pool tomorrow?” I ask.
“Around nine?”
“Cool. Do you need a ride?”
“No, I’ll walk. I could use the exercise to loosen me up.”
I glance at her out of the corner of my eye. “Are you and Soph really worried about swimming?”
“It’s just hard this year, Ivy. I feel like you and a couple others have progressed so much, and I haven’t. I don’t know how long Coach will let that slide. At what point does she have other girls try out?”
“I don’t think that will happen. Besides, if it does, you and Soph still aren’t even close to being the weakest swimmers.”
She rolls her eyes. “Not yet, but give it another year.”
“Look, if you’re that worried, why don’t you add another practice? Join me on Wednesdays too.”
“See, that’s the thing. When do I get time to chill? Time to do schoolwork?”
You make time. I have to be strict with myself because I lose three afternoons a week to swimming, plus now a Friday with Meera. “Study and do homework first. I don’t swim on a Saturday or Sunday unless I want to.”
She chews on her bottom lip. “I want to get better, but I don’t want to lose my social life.”
“Well, you only really hang out with me and Sophie anyway, and we’ll be at practice with you.”
“How do you fit Ty in too?”
I shrug. “Mostly Saturdays and Sundays. You have to make a decision, Haley. It’s either worth it to you or it’s not.”
She slumps in her seat. “What do you think I should do?”
“I don’t want you to leave the team, but I don’t want you to be unhappy either.”
“None of this would have happened if Iris hadn’t mentioned our times.”
I put down the pen I’m holding. “What?”
Haley sighs. “Oh, she didn’t mean anything by it. We were talking about who’s the fastest and all that. I realized that you had improved so much, and I hadn’t. Before that, I never really thought about it. I just swam.”
“I’m sorry she did that,” I say, frowning.
“Forget I said anything,” Haley tells me. “I mean, she wasn’t prying or calling anyone out.”
“Still a crappy thing to do.”
Haley shakes her head, her mass of hair bouncing back and forth. “She didn’t realize you’ve flown past us.”
I rub the back of my neck. This is so awkward. Iris has royally put her foot in it.
I’m all for healthy competition, but we never worried about our times before, not between each other. Other girls on the team, sure, but we’re best friends and it doesn’t matter. Or it shouldn’t.
Iris must have known it would cause problems between us. She’s a cheerleader and knows all about competition. She would have known they would feel like I’m racing ahead and they’re getting left behind.
Iris did that on purpose. She wants to cause a rift.
18
I get home from therapy and Iris is watching The Bachelor. She has her feet kicked up on the coffee table and is holding a Diet Pepsi in her hand.
“Hey,” I say. “I’d ask what you’re up to but it’s obvious.”
She looks up and smiles. “There is so much drama on this show. I love it.”
I’d never guess.
“There’s always so much fakeness, bitching, and backstabbing. They might pretend to be nice to each other, but you can see they just want to rip each other’s hair extensions out,” I say, crossing my arms.
“You need to be able to switch off, Ivy. It’s just a show.”
“Sure. A dumb one.”
“Are you going to watch it with me or not?”
“Of course I am.”
Iris laughs and turns her attention back to the TV. Well, hallelujah. That went well. We had a tiny little conversation, but it was a nice one. There was no sarcasm. I didn’t feel like she’s secretly laughing behind my back or eye rolling in her head.
I should mention what happened today. Iris definitely would have known that bringing up our swim times could cause a rift.
“Sophie and Haley seemed a little annoyed with me today,” I tell her, keeping my eyes on the screen so I appear more casual than I feel.
“Why?”
“They mentioned you spoke about our ti
mes.”
Her back straightens. “And why did that make them annoyed with you?”
“They mentioned how far I’ve come in comparison. I think it made them feel like they’re not good enough.”
“Well, how was I supposed to know talking about the thing you’re all passionate about would be bad?”
“I’m not saying you did anything wrong. I know you wouldn’t intentionally try to cause issues between them and me.” Or I want to think that, anyway.
“Of course I wouldn’t,” she replies. Her voice is thick with emotion like she’s trying not to cry. Her identical pale eyes are calm, though. “Are you guys okay now?”
“Yeah, we’re good.”
Her smile is tight. “Well, no harm done, then.”
There was harm done. Sophie, Haley, and I have the best friendship and Iris is creating little fractures in it. She might not be doing big things to hurt us, but even tiny fractures cause breaks if you inflict too many.
“Ah, I bet she ditches this guy for the new one,” Iris says, pointing to the TV and leaning forward.
She’s done with me for now, over the conversation, and doesn’t care about Haley and Sophie. Yet, she’s quick to join us for lunch and meet up with them when she’s not with Ellie. What exactly does she want from my friends?
“I can’t wait to see Nan and Grandad on Sunday,” I tell her.
“Huh?” She looks over, doing a double take before returning to The Bachelor. “Oh, right. Yeah, me too.”
“Do you speak to them much? I only really text. Does Nan try to use emojis with you too?”
“Ivy, really!” she snaps.
Whoa, and there it is. Her frustration over a dumb conversation about emojis. Anything to do with Mom and her side of the family ultimately leads to her snapping or going quiet.
“What? I was only asking you a question.”
“During my TV show.”
“Hey, you were just talking too.” I tap my thumb and index finger together and run them across my lips, telling her I’ll be quiet.
Iris sinks back against the cushion behind her and crosses her arms.
Whatever is going on with my twin, it needs to improve.
The tension radiating off Iris is suffocating. My stomach is heavy, and I’m sitting so still. Although I like watching the drama unfold on reality TV shows like this one, I can’t stand to be sitting next to my sister feeling like I’ve done something wrong.
When I’m stressing or have anxiety over a situation, I feel it physically, from the twist in my stomach to the ache between my eyes. When I was eight, my mom went on anxiety meds. She never told me or Iris but I heard her discussing it with Dad. I knew something was up because she was acting different, sleeping a lot and snapping. They were the wrong meds, I understand that now, but back then all I knew was that Mom started taking medication and she and Dad argued more.
Iris is definitely covering up her pain…but what can I do about it until she’s ready to talk?
Absolutely nothing. So I’ll wait patiently.
Well. I’ll wait.
* * *
• • •
When I get up in the morning, I freeze. The drawer on my desk is open. Not even just a little but, like, several inches open. It was closed last night. I remember putting my pencil case away after completing homework.
Was Iris in my room last night? How late did she wait up? Did she keep peeking through my door to see when I’d drifted off? What was she looking for, anyway? I didn’t fall asleep until sometime after two, so she must have stayed up past that.
I tiptoe toward the desk and peek through the gap as if something is going to jump out at me. My poster of the Killers stares down at me. Shame I can’t ask them what they saw last night. There isn’t much in the drawer besides some photos and other random crap I’ve collected over the years. Nothing of value to anyone but me.
Iris doesn’t need money. Can she really be that interested in notes from Ty or pictures of me, Haley, and Sophie? She wants to get closer to my friends but surely sneaking peeks at letters between us isn’t the way to go.
Reaching out, I pull the handle and the drawer slides open. I rifle through but there was a lot in here, and I don’t think I’d even notice something missing.
Slamming the drawer shut, I sigh. What am I even supposed to do?
If I tell Dad, Iris will deny it. She’ll tell me I obviously didn’t close it properly because that is more believable than her going through my things at two in the morning. Or whenever she was being a sneak.
Maybe she needed to borrow something. But at that hour?
I get changed, brush my teeth, and grab my swimming bag before heading downstairs. I’ll need to eat if I’m going to be in and out of the pool all morning.
Dad is in the kitchen making pancakes and washing berries when I get downstairs.
“Morning,” I say, leaning against the counter.
He looks over his shoulder. “Morning, Ivy.”
“You’re cooking breakfast.”
“I do that occasionally. You want pancakes?”
“Please. What are your plans for this morning?”
“I’m meeting up with Ken to watch soccer.”
“Cool. You need to get out more…and not go to the office.”
“Noted, Ivy. Is your sister up yet?”
No, she’s probably too tired after her snooping session last night.
“I haven’t seen her,” I tell him.
“I’m up,” Iris says as she walks into the room. “Ooh, those smell nice, Dad.”
I turn around. “Hey. How did you sleep?”
Her eyes have the faint tell of dark circles. Not enough to be obvious, but if you’re looking like I am, you can see that she didn’t sleep well last night.
“Great,” she replies with a toothy smile. “You?”
I nod, staring into her eyes and willing myself to switch on that twin telepathic thing we’re supposed to have. “You hungry? Because Dad has made about a thousand pancakes.”
“There’s an extra mouth to feed now,” he mutters.
“Yes, one. You’ve made enough for ten.”
There is a big stack and he’s adding more batter to the pan.
“Hmm. You can snack on them later.”
I’m supposed to maintain a relatively healthy diet, but sure, I’ll eat pancakes all day.
Cheat days are still a thing, right?
I devour four pancakes and a handful of strawberries, raspberries, and blueberries. I’m going to burn it off in an hour.
Iris and I sit at the table with a cup of coffee as Dad finishes up with breakfast.
“What time are you home?” she asks.
“Probably around midday. Ty and I are going out around seven. Why, did you want to do something?”
She shakes her head. “I was just wondering. I’m meeting Ellie and we’re going out for the afternoon.”
“Oh, cool.”
Dad looks over, the spatula still in his hand. “What are you doing with Ellie?”
She shrugs. “Hanging out. I think we’re having lunch at the diner.”
“Okay,” he replies.
Are you serious? If I’d said that, he would have asked me where I was going. He would need locations and the names of everyone I planned to meet up with.
Why does Iris get off with an “okay” to her vague reply?
It’s totally unfair.
“I need to head out,” I say flatly, putting my dishes in the dishwasher. Dad and Iris mutter a quick bye, and I leave as fast as I can so I don’t snap and say something that’s going to make this situation harder.
I drive to the pool and arrive five minutes later because traffic was light. It’s not actually open yet, so I wait in the car and watch the ro
ad for Haley and Sophie.
It only takes a couple of seconds for Haley to pull up in her silver Beetle complete with pink fluffy dice. It’s a much cooler car than my “safe” Volvo but it is like Edward Cullen’s one in Twilight. I thought she and Sophie would come together since they live close, but Sophie isn’t with her.
Opening the door, I get out and she does too.
“Morning. Ready to swim your ass off?” she says.
“Definitely. Is Sophie coming?”
“Yeah, she’s going out with Sam after, so we came separately. I think she’s walking.”
“Okay.”
Sam and Sophie have been dating for three months and he seems cool. He’s not into sports or anything, so I rarely see him around school. He’s more into computer games.
“Ivy…do you really think I can get, like, considerably better? I feel like I’m wasting my time.”
I shake my head. “You’re not wasting your time. We’ll get you there. You just have to be prepared to work harder.”
“I am.”
“You’ve got this.”
With a small smile, she nods. “Hey, how are you doing?”
“I’m okay.”
“You miss her.”
I lower my gaze. “All the time.”
Haley wraps her arm around my shoulder. “It’s going to be okay.”
I lift my eyes to her. “Thank you.”
Sophie pulls into the parking lot and Haley drops her arm.
We look over and she has a big grin for us. Getting out of her car, she says, “Morning, losers! Let’s do this.”
“You drove.”
“Yeah. I figure I’ll need the energy for swimming,” she says.
“Damn straight. Ready to win?” I ask.
“We both are,” Haley says.
Good. Things are back to normal with them. I bite my lip as I feel ten pounds lighter.
“I’m going to need a massive lunch after this,” Sophie tells us, wrapping her arm around my and Haley’s shoulder as we head to the pool.
“Don’t eat too much—we’re out with Iris tonight,” Haley replies.
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