All I Want for Christmas: A Contemporary Romance Holiday Collection

by S. L. Sterling

“I’m fine, just had a bad night.” I headed to the front of the store, checking over everything. I didn’t want to get into it with him right now. I just wanted to focus on the task at hand and pretend everything was fine, and nothing was bothering me.

  “Have you eaten?” he asked, concern in his voice.

  “No, I haven’t, I didn’t have time.”

  “How about I go over and grab you a coffee and some cookies before I leave?”

  “Whatever you want, Ray,” I huffed as I straightened up a couple of shelves I hadn’t had time to do last night. I was never short with him. He had helped me so much, and I was truly grateful, but honestly, I wasn’t in any mood this morning to be nice to anyone. If I’d had the option, I would have just called in sick.

  Ray stood watching me, a worried expression on his face. I tried to ignore it, but he was getting on my nerves.

  “Don’t stand there and stare at me Ray. I said I’m fine.” I avoided looking at the concern on his face and bit my lip to try to stop the flow of tears I felt coming on. I was exhausted and emotional, and it would only be a matter of time before the tears started to fly if he didn’t leave me alone.

  “Cass, what is it?” he asked, his deep voice turning soft and muted.

  The books I was looking at started to blur as tears filled my eyes—exactly what I didn’t want. My chest felt like it was going to explode as the sobs poured from me.

  “How much time do you have,” I sobbed. I went to run past him into the back, out of sight from the storefront, but he grabbed hold of me and pulled me into his arms. As soon as I hit his chest, I was done, I couldn’t hold it back anymore.

  His hands smoothed my hair as I cried into him, letting go of everything I had been holding. The loss of Jackson, Brody returning, the pressure Ray was putting on me—it all just poured out. When I didn’t calm down right away, he pulled me into the back, away from the front of the store where people were starting to gather outside.

  “Cass, you have to calm down, sweetie, it's time to open. How about I take you for a drink after work, we can talk then?”

  “I’m a mess, Ray. Look at me, I can’t face customers like this.”

  “It's okay, I have about a half hour I can spare. Why don’t you sneak out back, go and get a coffee, and I’ll open up for you?” He gave me a squeeze as he let me go.

  “Thanks, Ray, I owe you.”

  “Well, one day when I’m not feeling well, you can come and do a couple of brake jobs and change some oil for me.” I giggled through my tears at his suggestion. “Go on, go grab your coffee.”

  I grabbed my jacket, heading out the back door as Ray headed to the front and welcomed my customers. I walked across the street and into the coffee shop. I only had a half hour to calm myself down, and I planned to do it quietly in a corner of the coffee shop with a cup of coffee and a bagel.

  “Hey Cass!” Melanie said from behind the counter. “What can I get for you?”

  “Can I get a coffee and a toasted bagel, please?”

  “Sure, love. Everything okay? You look a little down this morning,” she asked while getting my bagel ready to toast.

  “Yep, just had a long night.”

  I watched as she poured the coffee into the cup and wrapped my bagel, handing them both to me. I made my way to the back corner, sat down and started to eat. I was about halfway through my bagel when the bell jingled above the door. I wasn’t going to look but curiosity got the best of me, and I turned to see Brody enter with two other men. At first, he didn’t notice me, but as he was waiting for the other men to place their orders, he turned toward me, a smile coming to his lips. He excused himself and approached my table. Taking his coat off, he sat down across from me.

  “Why aren’t you working?”

  “Ray is over there, I was running late this morning. He stopped in to make sure everything was open for me.”

  “Wow! A true hero,” Brody commented sarcastically.

  “Brody, don’t do this.”

  “Yeah, well, I need to talk to you about your saint over there.”

  I glanced at my watch, it was almost nine and I did have to get back over to the shop. “Alright. Not now. How about tonight?”

  “Fine, what time will you be home? Seven?”

  “A little later than that, I’m having dinner with Ray.”

  I could see the annoyance written all over Brody’s face. “Whatever, if you need me, call me.”

  I frowned. “Brody, why are you behaving this way?”

  “Cass, without letting me explain, just promise me if you need me, you’ll call.”

  “Alright, fine. I have to go.” I stood up and balled up the wrapper from my bagel, threw it in the trash, and grabbed my cup from the table. “Have a good day, Brody.”

  “You too. Cass.”

  16

  Cass

  I locked the day's deposit in the safe and went to shut off and clean the coffee maker when Ray came through the back door.

  “Hey, Cass, hope your day was good.”

  “It was, I hit record sales today. At least something went right,” I smiled as he followed me into the little kitchen.

  “How about yours?” I questioned. I grabbed the carafe and dumped the coffee down the sink and filled it with hot water and soap.

  “It was okay. I got word from my supplier the parts I ordered are in the warehouse, but they can't get the shipment to me until after the fifteenth of January. I need them for the tenth which means I’m going to have to make my way down to pick them up.”

  “That will be like a two-week trip! You won't be here for the book drive, and right now, you're the only help I have aside from Brody.” I could feel the tension creeping into my shoulders yet again.

  “No, I'll wait until after Christmas, no worries. I'll be here,” he said, massaging my shoulders and neck gently.

  “Thanks, I really need you to be here for that, it means so much to me.”

  “I know it does, you don't need to worry. I thought we would go grab a bite, then I could take and help you pick out a tree. I noticed the other day you still didn't have one up.”

  “To be honest, I don't think I am going to get one this year, Ray. I am not much into celebrating Christmas anymore.”

  “But you said you wanted to get one.”

  “I know what I said, but I've changed my mind, is that not okay?”

  I could tell Ray was annoyed with me, and I didn't blame him, I was annoyed with myself. “Did you want to go for dinner or just want to go home?”

  As I did the final rinse on the coffee pot, I could hear Brody's comments from this morning in the back of my mind, Call if you need anything. At first, I wondered why Brody would have said that, but now that I could hear the irritation in Ray's voice and could feel him studying me, I started to understand.

  “No, I'm up for dinner, I'm starving.”

  I followed Ray over to the little Italian restaurant down the road. Once seated, Ray poured us both a glass of wine from the bottle he had ordered as we waited for our food to arrive.

  “So, you want to tell me what got you so upset this morning. I have a feeling it has something to do with Brody.”

  I took a sip of wine. “Yes, it does.”

  Ray nodded, grabbing a breadstick from the basket on the center of the table.

  “I know you don't like him, Ray, but you need to understand the history we have.”

  “Then why don't you tell me.”

  I took a sip of wine to clear my throat before I started.

  “You see, after Jackson died, Brody was my rock. He spent a lot of time helping me around the house, having dinner with me, keeping me sane—basically pushing me to continue to live. One day, we started looking at one another differently, and things between us started to change. I was starting to become attracted to him in a way that kind of scared me. Shortly, things got serious between us, and neither of us was sure where it was going to go. We started arguing.

  “Then one afternoo
n, there was a bad fire in town, and they reported some firefighters missing. I guess that was when I really noticed how I truly felt. I tried to get hold of him, but he didn't answer. Finally, after a few hours, he showed up at my door. I was a mess, I thought I’d lost him as well. I was pretty much devastated. He came in, and things started to get intimate between us. I ended up stopping him.

  “I already knew I felt things I had never felt before, not even with Jackson, and before they went any further, I wanted to be able to tell him how I felt. He wouldn't talk to me, assumed I stopped him because I didn't want anything else to happen and went home. The next morning, he was gone. He left me on Christmas Eve, so it kind of ruined this holiday for me.”

  Ray looked at me with sympathy filled eyes. “What do you mean he was gone?”

  “Gone, he had taken his stuff and left. He didn't call, but I found a note from him a day or so later. The only people he had notified were his landlord and the guys at the fire department. That’s when things got bad for me. I had no desire to do anything after he left. It was like I had lost Jackson all over again. I lost everything, Ray. Everything—my career, my home, and my best friend.” I stopped talking as the waitress dropped our food off at our table.

  “I'm going to admit, Cass, the points aren't stacking up in his favor after hearing this.”

  “I know, but I feel you need to know our history.”

  “I appreciate that. So, now he's here and staying with you,” Ray said, passing me the pepper.

  “Yes. We had a long talk last night, and it just brought up some old memories and feelings. I was pretty upset when I went to bed.”

  “Tell me he didn't hurt you?”

  “God, no.”

  “Good, I don't want to have to teach him another lesson.”

  “What's that supposed to mean?”

  “What does what mean?”

  “Don't do this, Ray.”

  “Don't do what?”

  “Ray, this whole situation has brought up lots of feelings, feelings I had buried away. There were a lot of things said on both our parts last night, things that needed to be said for us to both move on and get past everything that's happened. I guess it was just a lot of pent-up emotion we each needed to get out.”

  “And that's what had you so upset this morning?”

  I took another sip of wine and took a bite of food. “Yes and no.”

  “Care to elaborate?”

  “I feel the need to forgive him, but I'm not sure I can.”

  I looked up from my plate. Ray sat there with his wine in hand, his eyes meeting mine. He said nothing, just sat there studying me, taking me in.

  “You don't have to forgive him. Unless… do you still have feelings for him, Cass?”

  I swirled my fork around my plate, thinking about the question. After five minutes of not answering him, I finally cleared my throat.

  “I'm not sure I know the answer to that,” I lied.

  “It's easy. Either you do, or you don't.”

  “It's not that easy, Ray. He really hurt me when he left, but at the same time, he was all I had.”

  “I understand that, but I don't think it would be bothering you this bad if you didn't have some sort of feelings for him.”

  “I'll always have some sort of feelings for him, that isn't going to change. He was with me during a time I couldn't possibly take care of myself. I lost my husband at twenty-six years old. It wasn't supposed to be that way.”

  “I fucking knew it!” he said, slamming his fist on the table, causing the dishes to jump. People glanced over at us.

  I looked around the restaurant, taking in the stares from many people who knew the both of us, then I put my hand over his.

  “Calm down, Ray. Please, you're creating a scene.”

  “So, let me ask you, when he kissed you the other day, it brought up some of those feelings, didn't it?”

  “I don't know what you are talking about, Ray. He didn't kiss me,” I answered, swallowing hard.

  He was watching me like a hawk, taking in my every move like he was ready to pounce. He had a look in his eyes, and I feared he knew I was lying to him. I took a sip of wine, trying to pretend I didn't notice.

  “I take it he told you why he left.”

  I nodded, taking another mouthful of wine. “He said he needed to sort out his feelings about us.”

  “I see. What conclusion did he come to?”

  I felt the food rise into my throat. I really wish he hadn't of asked me that question, so I tried to pretend I hadn't heard him.

  “Cass, I asked you a question.”

  “You did, I'm sorry I didn't hear you.”

  “What conclusion did he come to since he’s been gone?”

  I grabbed my glass of wine and drank down the last couple mouthfuls.

  “He made a mistake.”

  “I see. Well, I'm sorry, Cass, but I know he made a huge mistake,” Ray said, taking hold of my hand.

  “Why is that?”

  “Well, if I were him, that's how I would feel, especially seeing now you are in a committed relationship with someone else, and he can't have you, he’s too late.”

  I pulled my hand away. I clearly didn't feel the same way about him as he did about me. His words had made me feel extremely uncomfortable. I turned my attention back to my meal.

  “Listen, why don't you come to my place tonight? I think it will do you good to have some space away from him right now, get things right in your head. We'll go grab the trees, then you can help me decorate mine, we'll have wine, watch a movie or two, cuddle up together by the fire, just be together and relax.”

  I studied his expression for a moment, thinking about his offer. Sure, it sounded great, but I didn't need anything else to complicate matters right now. I didn't know how I felt about him or our relationship anymore.

  “Or I can always come by your place and spend the night there? Make sure Brody understands you're not available for whatever it is he thinks he’s going to get. Plus, to be honest, I fear for your safety around him.”

  I couldn't believe my ears. “What is that supposed to mean?”

  “Oh, he didn't tell you?”

  “Tell me what?”

  “He came into Carl's last night, drunk, provoked an argument with me, and we got in a fight. He was down there spreading shit about you, Cass. Talking about you in filthy ways, how he wanted to fuck you and wanted me to stay away from you. I dealt with him.”

  “So, you're the one who split his lip?”

  “He's lucky that's all I split after the things he said. He ran off like a pussy afterward. I want to make sure you're safe, Cass,” he said, rubbing my hand with his.

  I wasn't sure I believed what he was saying. Brody wouldn't talk about me in a bad way, I knew better than that.

  “Ray, I'm good, really. I'm going to go home, alone. I just need a good night’s sleep and a few days to get myself out of the funk I’m in.”

  “Pushing me away again. So maybe your feelings for him are greater than you say?”

  “I'm not pushing you away. Don't put words in my mouth.”

  “Don't worry, it’s understandable, he's younger and not a bad-looking guy. You don't have to tell me if you have feelings for him or not Cass, I can tell. The good guy always gets shit on.”

  “Don't be that way.”

  “Be what way? Clearly, you are siding with him. Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere, I'll still be a pain in your ass.”

  I felt horrible. I could tell from the look on his face he was crushed or possibly pretending to be. “I'm sorry. All of this, honestly, couldn't have come at a worse time.”

  “It's fine.”

  The tension that fell between us during the remainder of the meal was almost unbearable. I turned down dessert, and even though he insisted he pay the bill, I took this one. I didn't want anything looming over my head with him.

  “Ray, I don't want there to be tension between us. I don't want things to change. I just
need some time to get myself sorted out,” I said as he opened my car door.

  “They won't change, don't worry. Now, I want you to get home safe before the bad weather hits. I'm going to head over to that lot at the corner and grab myself a small tree,” he said, kissing my forehead.

  “I feel horrible, Ray.”

  “Don't, I understand, you need to figure things out. If he hurts you, or if you need me and want to come by, just shoot me a message, and I'll be there. My door is always open.” He leaned in and kissed me goodnight, but it didn't feel like goodnight to me, it felt more final. I could even feel his lip quiver against mine.

  He pulled my door open and waited for me to get in, then he shut the door. I started the car, and as soon as Ray stepped back onto the sidewalk, I pulled away from the curb. The drive home was quiet, too quiet, so I clicked the radio on, and Christmas music filled the cabin of the car. What a Christmas this was turning out to be. I just wanted to get home, get in my pajamas, curl up on the couch with Missy, a bottle of wine, and relax.

  17

  Cass

  When I got home, the driveway was empty. I guess Brody had gotten tired of waiting for me and must have gone out. Once inside, I built a fire—Brody had already brought in lots of wood so I could check that off the list. I quickly threw in a load of laundry, fed the cat, got changed into my favorite pair of sweats and a t-shirt, grabbed my bottle of wine from the fridge, and a glass. I was finally settled under a warm blanket and relaxed as I sunk my body against my fluffy pillow and found a movie on TV. Missy laid curled behind my legs, purring contently as I ran my hand over her soft fur. My laptop sat on the table. I needed to write, but I needed to unwind first. I looked around the small cozy cottage. It wasn't much, but it was now home. The only thing missing was a Christmas tree. I had promised Jackson I would get a tree this year, it didn't really matter I had made the promise to empty air, I felt it was important to keep that promise even if right now, I wanted nothing to do with this holiday.

  I leaned my head back and closed my eyes. I was thankful it was Sunday tomorrow. I had so much weighing on my mind, and after everything that was said at dinner tonight, I really wanted to talk to Brody, find out his side of the story. I had a strong feeling Ray was making everything up. I knew Brody could have a temper, but he was never one to provoke a fight, and it didn't sound like him to talk bad about me. I had known him way too long to believe that. But regardless, Ray was my boyfriend, and I felt horrible for leaving him tonight on such a bad note. I grabbed my phone off the table and sent Ray a quick text.