Perfect Imperfections

by Unknown

  “Is she still at home these days?”

  “No, she goes out. Wanders around, I guess. Doesn’t tell us much of where she is or what she is up to. Just at the mall or at the beach, or something vague like that.” The waiter came with their order of some baklava to go with their coffee. “Thank you,” Sam said to the waiter and continued, “She is out tonight with Jake and his friends.”

  “With Jake?”

  “Yes, I know that’s odd, given that they don’t know each other.”

  “I guess then that’s her point.”

  “What? What do you mean?”

  “I mean… come on, Sam… of course, she doesn’t go out because everyone will either want to talk to her about this whole thing with Dave, or would remind her in some way about it. So going out with Jake and his friends, it’s good for her."

  ***

  “Kim, you came!”

  Jake strode towards her. He was dressed in the same clothes that he had been in earlier. His hair was all disheveled, just as it was. “You look,” he paused, gave her a once-over, clearly raising her shackles, and ended with, “presentable.”

  Presentable? Kim's face felt hot.

  “And now you have some color in your face, which makes you look more presentable.” Jake made no efforts to make her feel comfortable.

  “That’s a rude way to receive your guest.”

  “Guest? Who?” He looked around as though Kim was referring to another person. “You? You aren’t a guest. In fact, now that you are here, I can relax and enjoy myself.”

  “Excuse me? What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “It means that we are all hosts here. Help yourself,” he pointed to the bar, “and find yourself a good company. And before leaving, do say goodbye."

  Leaving Kim still shocked and trying to understand what she had just heard, Jake smiled and walked away to join the rest of the group. She stood there all by herself, feeling awkward and a little foolish for having come at all. She couldn’t believe that, after all that show of insistence, Jake could be so cold and rude to her. She wanted to storm out, but she wasn’t going anywhere. I’ll get through this evening with a little dignity, she decided. One hour — see and be seen.

  She looked around, found the bar counter and went to get a drink for herself.

  “One Long Island iced tea, please,” she said, clambering on the high barstool.

  “Sure!” the man said.

  “Scotch, two, on the rocks, two ice-cubes each,” a hoarse voice said from behind Kim.

  It was a short guy dressed in khaki pants and an olive shirt. He stretched his hand and wished Kim, “Hi!”

  Kim shook his hand and responded with another, “Hi!”

  “Rob.”

  “Kim.”

  “Hello, Kim. Having a good time?”

  “I just came in.”

  “Oh! Know anyone here?”

  “Not really.”

  “That’s fine.” He took the two glasses the bartended placed in front of him and gestured Kim with a flick of his head to follow him. “Get your drink and I’ll introduce you to some guys here. They are good company.”

  Kim followed and Rob went on, “That one over there is an art collector and a gallery owner, Jake. His gallery is setting up for its first exhibition this weekend. He was just telling us how he became interested in art at such a late age. I always thought you knew what you wanted to be when you were young. But, apparently not everyone knows.”

  “I know Jake….sort of…he ask me here tonight.”

  “Oh, is it.”

  “But I don’t really know him or anything about him. So all that you told me was new news.”

  Rob gave Kim a smug smile, “Interesting. Jake invited you here and you don’t know. Hmmm…” and went on to introduce Kim to a group that consisted of four guys and one petite girl. “This is Kim. I believe she is Jake’s friend. Am I right?”

  “Right.” Kim smiled as the group engulfed her in a sea of questions and bombarded her with information about everything. The conversation was so effortless that it flowed from one topic to another as easily as turning pages of a book.

  Kim didn’t realize when she was on her third drink and had to admit to herself that she needed a ride back home.

  “Calling home?”

  Kim was startled at the voice that spoke behind her and disconnected her call to Sam. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you,” said Jake.

  “It was just… I called Sam to pick me on her way home. I didn’t get my car.”

  “So, I see you’ve met Rob.”

  “Yes, he is nice.”

  “Good. So you are having a good time.”

  “Yes.”

  “You can come to my gallery on Thursday. See the pieces that will be going up a day in advance.”

  “That’s awfully nice of you to invite me. But are you going to be as rude as today when I show up?” The third glass of Long Island iced tea was doing its work and Kim found it easier to allow her thoughts to actually form words and come out of her mouth.

  “Nah! You did well today on your own, by the way. And I think that is Sam.” He gestured towards her phone, “Say hi to her for me.”

  “Yeah,” Kim answered the phone. “I’ll be out in five.”

  “So I’ll see you Thursday.”

  It took Kim some time to understand what he said, but she had already confirmed it and was walking out of the lounge.

  Did I just say yes to another invite by Jake? What’s with me and what’s with him? — she thought.

  CHAPTER 13

  Kim’s trancelike phase was punctuated by the sporadic invites to Jake’s gallery the next few days, where she met new people every day — Jake’s assistant and a few hired helps, the artists — and she spent time with Jake who joined his crew in the evening to catch-up on what seemed like heaps of paperwork. She learnt a lot about what went into an art exhibition. She hadn’t imagined it took so much coordination and extensive going-through of details, even after they were meticulously worked out. It also gave her insight to who Jake was, judging by the reactions of the people who worked closely with him.

  “Jake is the only child and the heir to his dad’s cruise business in Abu Dhabi,” Deb informed her once.

  “He doesn’t look rich. I mean well off, yes, but stinking rich, I assume, absolutely not,” said Kim.

  “Yeah, that runs in his family though. His dad too is very… well, mild, I guess.”

  “Mild? That’s an interesting choice of word.” Kim smiled at Deb who continued to tell how supportive Mr. Benson had been to Jake. He had always given him the freedom he wanted to figure things out for himself.

  “Setting up an art studio is not an easy job, as you can see.” Deb gestured towards the room and the mess it contained, “but then if he had wanted things to be easy he would have been in Abu Dhabi and would have joined his Dad and the cruise business. I guess maybe someday he will. But right now, he says he wants to build something of his own from the ground up.”

  “You know, he has always had had things easy in life but when he decided to set up his own gallery without any direct support from his family, Mr. Benson was so proud.” When saying this, Deb herself had a sense a pride in her voice. “So, Jake’s here. Figuring his own course. He does that with great ease, making most of the things look easy. I am sure you feel that it’s a piece of cake.”

  “Well, yeah, I do,” said Kim. “I mean, I didn’t know there was so much to do. I initially wondered, how difficult can it be? Just hang a bunch of pictures on the walls of a humongous room. Job done.” Kim dusted her hands to show what an easy job it was. “But now that I am seeing the number of hours you guys put in setting up the details, visiting sites, speaking to owners. And you get your share of moody whimsical artists as well. But Jake handles them nicely.”

  “He has a knack of getting people exactly where they need to be without seeming pushy,”

  said Deb. “Jake is not the obvious kind of artist or th
e art-gatherer. He is into sports; he still enjoys a rough game of football. He has partied enough to know he preferred his nights to himself, not to partying. Overall, he has always been a likable person. You may have found him odd at times. He comes across indifferent and too casual. He is always at someone or the other’s case, but there are only a handful few who know he has a quiet, a sensitive side to him.”

  “That’s a lot of information on someone with whom you have worked for hardly a few months, Deb,” Kim teased.

  “Yeah, it may appear so, but I have worked for the Bensons for a long time. My parents work for Mr. Benson and I used to do odd jobs for him on his cruise, or in his office to earn extra pocket money. Then, after college I started working full time, assisting Jake mostly. When he decided he was moving here, he asked me to come and I did,” Deb said with a shrug. “It’s really exciting to have to build something from scratch. The feeling is amazing. You know.”

  That was a rude reminder for Kim that while people around her were doing what they wanted to do, acting on their dreams and goals, she was sitting and doing much of nothing.

  “So, do you like it here?” Jake came up and interrupted Kim’s thoughts.

  “This place is a mess. But I like it.”

  “Helps you take your mind off your own mess, doesn’t it?”

  The words stung, and she looked at Jake clearly upset. “Well, I guess I should get going. Don’t want to be in anybody’s way.” Kim gathered her scarf, shades, and messenger bag and slung it around one side of her shoulder.

  “Wait, I’ll show you something, come in here,” said Jake, gesturing to his office at the far end of the hall. Then he clapped around to get everyone’s attention and announced, “Okay guys, will see you all tomorrow afternoon. Have a good night.” Then, he walked and led Kim into his office.

  The chaos in the halls of the gallery was in stark contrast of Jake’s office, which was in pristine condition, too neat for a man perhaps.

  “Don’t look that surprised,” he teased Kim, whose eyes were wide and staring at the room.

  “A…mm… well, I guess Deb is really good at her job.”

  “Well she is, but it’s not her job to clean up after me, if that’s what you think she is here for. She is a very intelligent person and very good at her work.”

  “Why the hell are you inviting me to your workplace to your parties, and then being so awfully rude?”

  “I am not being anything to you, Kim,” said Jake in a calm voice and leaned at his desk. He folded his arms across his chest and looked straight at Kim.

  “Well, you may not be aware of it, but you are.”

  “No I am not. I am just not going out of my way to make you comfortable, to do things for you, because I think that’s the last thing you’d want anyone to do right now. I invite you to parties and here because that way you will get to interact with people — people who don’t constantly want to ask you about your messy past and you don’t have to live through it again and again. But you truly are clueless about what you want, aren’t you?”

  Then Jake stood up straight and walked towards Kim. He came up and stood close enough to feel the heat of her anger. “You want exactly what you are getting, but you are so blinded… you are used to getting things without even realizing you need them. Toughen up, Kim Noyes, and move on. Get a hold on yourself and your life. There is the door, and you can storm off now.” He said and turned to his desk to get back to his paperwork, and by the time he got to his chair, the door slammed, leaving him alone in this office.

  CHAPTER 14

  Kim spent the next few weeks in her worn-out flannel pants sitting at home. She preferred to have her meals in her room and made very little conversation when she was forced to sit in the company of Judith and Sam. She made no effort to get back from her trancelike state. She spent a great deal of her time staring at the wall and sitting at the edge of her bed, motionless for hours. She wouldn’t even surf the net or watch TV. This phase lasted for a good two weeks before she started feeling the numbness in her mind.

  “I thought she was getting over the whole thing when she started going out. What happened, did she tell you anything?” Judith asked Sam one day.

  “No, Ma, you know she hasn’t spoken to anyone about Dave or what happened with him. The only person she was talking to was Jake, and he tells me she’s not been over to his gallery in weeks.”

  “Sam, I am worried for her now.”

  The phase soon changed to one where Kim would play her life back and forth in her mind, over and over again, as if she were looking for something. She forced herself to remember the minute details of the night at the hospital, the night Richard died. She could perceive the peculiar hospital smell. She remembered the conversations she had with the doctor. She remembered going into the room and sitting by her Dad’s side and looking at his ghostlike pale face, and the lines on it. She remembered how looking at his face made her realize that would be the last time she would be with him. It had taken her back to the many mornings that he had spent with her, helping her finish a homework at the last minute. She remembered the many afternoons that she had come home with him and he had had lunch with her, the many evenings they had spent at malls and restaurants and the many nights that she had woken him up after a bad dream and he had sat with her till she would fall asleep. And there she was, watching him fall asleep one last time. She remembered Judith taking Richard’s hands from her and holding them. It had taken Richard a lot of effort to open his eyes and when he saw Judith's face close to his, a feeble smile cracked the stony face. They had looked at each other for what felt like an eternity. She realized that she was seeing their parents together for one last time.

  How must her mother have felt? The thought had crossed her mind. When Kim had lost Dave, she had felt an imbalance, but that was her own choice. And here, her mother had lost a life partner with whom she had built her entire life. What must she have felt? And, above all, Kim had forced Judith to deal with her own petty issues that were so inconsequential in front of her loss. A heavy feeling of guilt seeped in.

  Judith had not cried that night as long as Richard had been conscious; maybe it was her way of telling him that she’d be strong. Kim remembered how that thought had made her feel so angry at Dad, about how he had asked too much of Judith all his life. He had asked her to be strong when he was well, and he was asking her to be strong now when he was leaving them in nobody’s care. She could feel her throat closing up. Memories of that day made her angry at Richard and that made her more and more upset that she felt this way for her father who had given her such lovely memories.

  Aren’t you supposed to miss your dead father and not be angry at him for being dead? — she thought as she wiped the tears and rubbed a towel over the large tear stain on her pillow. This was perhaps the first time she had allowed herself to remember that dreadful night, and yet the memories of that night were not complete. Kim tossed and turned with the feeling of guilt and sadness.

  Then, another memory came to her mind. The smell of musk and leather filled her nostrils as she remembered sitting in Dave’s car, parked by the road. His hands were at the nape of her neck as she cried into her palms. She remembered how Dave had just taken charge of things that night, taken Judith’s phone and made all the calls to the relatives and friends letting them know that Richard was no more. She remembered that it was because she saw Dave was taking charge of everything she could let go.

  Dave had made sure the funeral was beautifully organized. He had made sure the relatives who had flown in from Canada were put up in good hotels, and Judith felt comforted with her friends and sisters around. Dave looked into every detail to ensure they were all taken care of. He was there for them is every way possible and that thought formed a knot in her throat and squeezed her heart. She wanted to hide someplace where these memories could not find her. She wanted to run. Run away, were she could not feel anything. She wanted to stop herself but the night was too long.

 
***

  The next morning, Kim got into her track pants and was out the door by 5:30 am. She wanted to get some fresh air. She wanted to go run, wishing if it had been really that simple to run away from her memories itself. Before leaving, she left a text for Judith and Sam.

  Going for a run and will be back in about an hour and half.

  She finished typing and slid the phone in her back pocket. This would help avoid another altercation because I just took off, she thought.

  The run was, to Kim’s mind, a way of keeping the guilt at bay. But it didn’t. Instead, it forced her to face them more clearly. It helped her look at things between her and Dave more clearly as if she was a third person looking at their situation. And slowly, she was able to make more sense of her own reaction to the proposal night.

  Dave had come into her life when she was still a kid and was thrown into a situation where she had to do the grownup things and financially take care of her family. Dave, a much older guy, had been there for her when she was not able to rely even on her own father. It was nice to feel wanted and cared for. She had not even realized when she was in a committed relationship with him. They had rarely spoken about it. Never actually. They had just fitted into each other’s lives and taken it as status quo. That’s how things were. Kim had not realized when she had started giving Dave the authority to take care of things in her life for her. She just knew that he did and she never stopped him. She felt relaxed when he did take care of things for her. Even liked it. It was a refreshing change to feel protection. But she didn’t see when she was molded into a person that Dave had desired.

  She was asked to grow up, not just by her parents but by Dave too. He knowingly or unknowingly had expected Kim to catch up with him on an intellectual level. She had to cover the age gap of 13 years between them that Kim had not even realized they had.

  There were indeed many things that Dave had done to take care of her and her family, and somewhere Kim had paid a price for it. She had given up herself in more than one way. The realization of it made her feel bitter towards herself. Who was she then outside of the relationship that she had with Dave?