Finding Valor

by Ripley Proserpina

  Her eyebrows drew together. “Beau.”

  Every muscle in his body froze, but his brain whirred, putting pieces of the puzzle together: the waitlist, the committee. “Well, that question’s answered.”

  “What do you mean?” Beneath his hands, she trembled. “Ryan?” Her wide, worried eyes focused on him, taking in every nuance of his expression.

  “Why I got waitlisted. I know why.”

  “I know.” Looking down, she held the sheet to her chest like a shield. “I’m so sorry. It’s all my fault. If you hadn’t helped me, they’d have let you right in.”

  Lost in his own thoughts, he nodded as she first began to speak, but as she went on, he shook his head. “Nore, it had nothing to do with you.”

  “The morals clause, Ryan.” She canted her head, her face pale. “You helping me was against the morals clause.”

  “No.” Shit. She’d been going around thinking it was her fault. Pulling her into his arms, he buried his face in her neck, smelling her salty scent and Apollo’s body wash. “Nora. It had nothing to do with you. If anything, helping you helps my case. It has everything to do with my past.”

  She tightened her arms around him. The sheet tangled between them, and he ripped it away, pulling her into his lap so she straddled him. He leaned back, lifting her chin so he could see her eyes while he spoke. “Do you understand? This had nothing to do with you.”

  Her dark eyelashes fanned over her cheeks, and she nodded. He tilted her chin, forcing her eyes up. “Nora?”

  “Are you sure? You’re not just telling me that to make me feel better?”

  He kissed her, and she responded immediately, her lips clinging to his. “No. But now I know for sure why I was waitlisted.”

  “Why?” She held onto his shoulders and slid her arms around his neck, resting her head on his shoulder.

  “Because of Beau.”

  “What?” Her body trembled and tensed.

  “Beau. Beau Rice? He’s the guy I sent to prison for two years. The one who was innocent.”

  Sixteen

  Misunderstanding

  “BEAU?” NORA COULDN’T believe it, and yet, it made sense. “He was your best friend.” She remembered then the conversation she’d had with Beau on the phone. How upset he’d been about something from his past. It was Ryan he was upset about. Ryan who needed to be dealt with. “Matisse knew.”

  “They all know. It’s part and parcel of our friendship.”

  She couldn’t help being hurt. The situation reminded her that she was on the outside of their circle, oblivious of their pasts and how it influenced them.

  Discombobulated, she climbed off the bed and rubbed her face. She was an idiot and a hypocrite. Did she expect them to disclose every secret before they slept together? If so, she and Ryan had better settle in because she hadn’t disclosed half of her past.

  “Nora?” Taking her hands away from her face, he peered at her closely. “Nore?”

  “I haven’t told you all my secrets.” She gave him a half-smile. “Why would you have told me yours?”

  “It wasn’t a secret.” He held onto her hands tightly, lifting them to his lips. “We, the other guys and I, are so wrapped up in each other’s lives.” Ruefully, he met her eyes and cocked an eyebrow. “Obviously. We don’t think about what those outside our circle don’t know. So Matisse didn’t tell you?”

  “He said it was your story to share. When I told him about the morals clause, I think he suspected it was related to your past. But I assumed it had to do with me. He couldn’t tell me it didn’t.”

  “We’ll talk to them all tonight.” He reached over to the bedside table, grabbing his phone to look at the time. “I don’t think Matisse is going out tonight.”

  “What time is it?”

  His face flushed a deep red, and he stared at the blanket.

  “What?” she asked.

  “It’s an embarrassingly short time since when we got up here.”

  “Huh?” Nora was confused until it suddenly hit her what he meant. “Ryan!” Giggling, she crawled out of bed to look for her pants. “It’s quality, not quantity.”

  Something hit the back of her head, and she whipped around. His t-shirt lay in a pool at her feet. She narrowed her eyes, found her bra, and put it on before sliding his t-shirt over her head. “Thanks,” she said, winking.

  Chuckling, he opened his drawer, choosing another shirt. Before she could get to the door, he caught her arm and pulled her into his embrace. “Wait.”

  “Are you okay?”

  Nodding, he lowered his head so he could kiss her. His tongue traced her lips, and she responded, forgetting about everything except his taste and the way his tongue curled around hers, pulling it into his mouth. When he stepped away, she wobbled a bit and he steadied her. “I love you, Nora. And I want you to know that this has been the best day of my life.”

  Tears burned the back of her eyelids, and her throat tightened. She nodded quickly, not trusting her voice, and he swept his thumbs across her cheeks and kissed her one more time. Without giving her a chance to respond, he unlocked his door and pulled her into the hallway and down the stairs.

  Raised voices came from the kitchen, and her heart leapt, excitement making her hurry. When they got into there, Seok stood proudly next to a new, huge kitchen table.

  “It’s finished!” she cried, running to him and throwing her arms around him. Turning to rest against his chest, she grabbed his arms and wrapped them around her waist.

  “You like it?” His voice was unsure.

  “It’s beautiful,” she breathed.

  Weeks ago, their kitchen table had been crushed beneath the guys. Seok had salvaged the wood and repurposed it into something lovely. The first table, though beautiful, had been rectangular and painted a dark cherry. This one was circular, so no matter where she sat, she’d be able to look at the guys.

  The finish had been stripped, and the wood waxed. Seok must have sealed it or used something clear because the wood shone through. She could see the grain and the old nail holes, and it somehow gave the wood character rather than leaving it looking tired and old. “Seok.” She stood on her tiptoes to reach his chin and kissed him. “I love it. Thank you for doing this for us.”

  As she turned, she met Apollo’s dark eyes. While he didn’t move to take her from Seok, he stared at her hungrily. When Seok squeezed and then released her, she realized he’d intercepted their gaze.

  With one quick glance at Seok, who nodded, she went to Apollo.

  “God, I’ve missed you, baby,” he said, sweeping her up in a tight bear hug.

  His coarse, curly hair tickled her palms when she wrapped her arms around his neck. “I missed you, too, Apollo. I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever.”

  “You okay?” Along her neck he gave her tiny, tickling kisses. “You left dinner so fast last night. I didn’t even get a chance to say goodnight.”

  There was hurt behind his words, and she squeezed him tighter. “I’m sorry.”

  His head bowed against her shoulder, but he shook his head.

  “Apollo.” Pushing herself away, she met his eyes. “I’m sorry. I’ll be better. I promise.”

  “I’ll figure it out, Nora.” His dark eyes flashed. “I’ll learn to deal.”

  “Apollo,” she whispered. “No.”

  “You met Beau?” Matisse’s voice interrupted what she was going to say.

  Apollo stepped away, and even though he still held her hand, she could tell he was upset. “Beau?” His hand tightened on hers, tugging her toward him. “Where the hell did you meet Beau?” The way he said it sounded like an accusation, though she knew it wasn’t. It was just an outlet for the hurt she’d caused him. When she wrapped his arm around her waist, he didn’t return her embrace, instead standing stiffly.

  “At law school. He was giving the tour.”

  “How’d he know who you were?” Cai pulled out a chair
and sat. He affected the pose of someone relaxed, but the muscles in his jaw jumped like he was clenching his teeth.

  God, I’m on a roll tonight. “He knew my name from the papers. And later he said he Googled me.”

  “Later?” Ryan interrupted. “I thought you only saw him on the tour.”

  “No.”

  His reaction showed he wasn’t okay with not knowing this, though when she was supposed to have told him was lost on her. It wasn’t like she’d tried to keep it from him.

  “He called me later,” she told them.

  “How did he get your number?” Apollo asked.

  It was starting to feel like an inquisition. Each of the guys stared at her angrily. Some of them, like Apollo, looked apoplectic while Cai looked confused and hurt.

  “I gave it to him.”

  “Why”—Seok asked slowly in a tone that was a breath away from what she thought of as Old Seok— “would you do that?”

  Angry tears gathered in her eyes, and she swiped them away, upset her emotions would betray her like this when she hadn’t done anything wrong. “I…” She tried to gather her thoughts, to explain in a calm and rational manner, until she met Ryan’s gaze and saw something akin to devastation in his eyes. “No, Ryan. You don’t understand. Listen.”

  Stony-faced, he gave nothing away. He stood with arms crossed, blocking himself off from her.

  Still she went on, desperate to reach him, “He introduced himself on the tour. The people reacted the way they do when they meet me! I didn’t know who he was, I swear to you, I didn’t. But after listening to him, we had so much in common—”

  “You had so much in common?” Ryan flung the words at her. “Like what? Me?”

  “No. I never even mentioned you. I told you, I didn’t know who he was until you told me.”

  “Why would you give some stranger your number, Nora?” Apollo asked, pulling out a chair and sitting. He rubbed the back of his head before looking up at her. “Aren’t we enough for you?”

  She was holding on to the strings of a thousand balloons, and they were all slipping through her fingers. The wind carried them away from her, and no matter how quickly she ran after them or grasped with desperate hands, she couldn’t catch them. “Of course. Apollo. Ryan.” She turned frantically, begging for someone to understand her. “You don’t understand! It was just something we had in common. Something no one else understood.”

  “I thought we understood,” Cai whispered. Standing, he stared down at her.

  “Hey!” The conversation had out of control. “It’s different. This—”

  “Why would you need to talk to someone else?” Matisse interrupted.

  “Enough!” She slammed her hand on the new table. Ouch! “Shit!” Apollo approached her, as if to check on her, but she stopped him with a look. “Enough. We didn’t talk about relationships. I thought a conversation with him would be about jobs. And school. And going out into public without people throwing you out of diners or the grocery store.” This time when she met Apollo’s gaze, he looked away. “Unless you do know what it’s like, and if you do, tell me. Because I’m struggling.” A breath she didn’t realize she’d been holding finally released. “I’m struggling.” She glanced at each of them, but only Apollo watched her. “I can’t get a job. I can’t even get in the door to prove to them that I can work. That I’m not a criminal. And Dr. Murray…”

  “What?” Ryan interjected. “What’s happening with Dr. Murray?”

  She swallowed. She hadn’t meant to bring it up, but now that she had, she couldn’t backtrack. “I don’t like it, Ryan. I don’t want to be tested and tested and then judged. It makes me feel like shit, but it’s the only way I can contribute.”

  “We told you—”

  “And I told you I would help out.”

  “Nora—”

  “Look. I’m sorry. I’m getting us off track, but the fact remains I never thought, not for one minute, that giving Beau my number would upset you. Any of you. I know I have you to talk to, and I will. I do. But you have each other; you all know each other’s deepest, darkest secrets and fears.” The way they looked at each other confirmed what she said. “And you don’t think to share those with me.” Matisse met her loaded glance and paled. “I’ll be here when you’re ready. So what do you want? Do you want me to tell Beau to lose my number? To never speak to him again?” The guys exchanged glances. She could tell they were still angry by the way their eyes only held hers for a moment before sliding away. “Well, let me know when you do decide, okay?” Her voice caught, and she cleared her throat before turning and walking from the kitchen.

  As soon as the swinging door shut behind her, she rushed up the stairs and into her room, throwing herself onto her bed. Only then did she let her tears flow freely.

  Seventeen

  Running Away Again

  NORA WAS ASHAMED of herself as soon as she slammed her door shut. She’d done the very thing she’d promised the guys she’d never do again: run away.

  Even if they were being jerks.

  They were always going to outnumber her, so she’d better find her backbone and use it.

  Besides, I didn’t do anything wrong. But she immediately questioned herself. She hadn’t, had she? She’d had no intention of keeping Beau a secret. Their reaction to her disclosure surprised her.

  No.

  It floored her.

  She couldn’t figure out the reason behind their anger, except that they didn’t trust her. Which was insulting.

  She didn’t fall in love with whoever happened to speak to her. Until the guys, she hadn’t bothered to go out. Or date. Okay, maybe she’d been too busy, but she hadn’t even wanted to make time to date. No one was worth it until Ryan and then Apollo and Matisse, Cai and Seok. But they didn’t know that. She’d never told them they were special.

  She buried her head in her pillow and then under it, screaming into her mattress. This should have been a conversation she’d had with each of them before they were intimate, But she hadn’t, and now she was left with their confusion and her hurt and no idea what to do. No idea how to make things better except by apologizing, and she just couldn’t.

  Or wouldn’t.

  This waiting for the right time thing, holding secrets close to her chest; it wasn’t working. If she just laid it all out for them, maybe that would help. She flipped onto her back and lowered the pillow, staring up at the ceiling.

  Was she honestly afraid if she told them her fears, they’d take off? If the guys were willing to share her, then they certainly wouldn’t be scared off by learning she was a virgin.

  Or had been.

  Until tonight.

  Crap.

  She would eventually have sex with all of them, but it had been her first time with Ryan, and it had been special. She wouldn’t take it back. How would the others feel about what had happened with Ryan? She thought about Apollo. How would he feel? Should she tell him? If she didn’t, was she lying to him?

  Maybe this was a good place to start with Ryan. She could ask his opinion. In the long run, asking him how to deal with Apollo wasn’t going to work, but until they all really knew each other well, she could try it. She didn’t want to be hurting feelings left and right.

  Flinging her pillow onto the end of the bed, she sat up. It was going to be embarrassing walking back into the kitchen after storming out, but she had to do it. She was a grown-up for crying out loud.

  Taking a deep breath, she flung open her door, ready to walk, head held high, back into the fray, but she ran straight into Apollo’s chest.

  “Whoa.” He caught her arms when she would have bounced off him onto the rug.

  “I was coming to talk to you.” She gathered her wits, and attempted to tuck her hair behind her ears.

  “I was afraid you were leaving.” To anyone else, the way he crossed his arms may have been intimidating, but she recognized his nervousness and wanted to soot
he him.

  “I won’t do that again, Apollo. I promised. I shouldn’t have even run up here. I was coming back to apologize.”

  Crowding her backward, he forced her into the bedroom and shut the door behind him. “I need to apologize. It wasn’t right, getting all bent out of shape and insinuating things I know not to be true.”

  “But you’re afraid.” If honesty was her goal, it started today.

  He ran his hand along the back of his head, studying her room as if he could find an excuse somewhere on her wall. “I’m not,” he began, “but I am. I just don’t see how this is going to work.”

  Was he giving up on her? The blood rushed from her head so quickly she wobbled. “Do you want to end it?”

  “No!” Before the words left his mouth, he was reaching for her, pulling her into the tight circle of his arms. “No, baby. I-I just worry, okay? I keep waiting for you to…” The weight of his head pressed on top of hers. “To pick one of them over me.”

  Shock jolted her body, and her heart broke for him. But she also loved him more for his disclosure. “Apollo, the whole reason we’re doing this is because I love you so much. I couldn’t give you up. It’s selfish of me. I know it is, but I love you and I never want to be without you.”

  His chest expanded with his breath. Slowly, in one long hiss of air, he let it out. He was silent so long she began to worry. She went over everything she’d said in her head, trying to find the place where she’d messed up.

  But Apollo's next words showed her she hadn't. “I never want to be without you either, but everyone's left me, Nora. Even when it wasn't their choice. So I’m always thinking about it, constantly waiting for it. These guys, they’ve been my only family until you. My biggest fear is I could lose all of you.”

  “We have that in common,” she whispered, rubbing her face against his t-shirt and breathing in his scent.

  “Yeah,” he sighed.

  “You know.” She pulled back and grabbed his hand, tugging him toward the bed. “I don't want anyone but you guys.”