Hold On To Me (Hawkeye Book 4)

by Sierra Cartwright

  “There are trade-offs, though. Right? The peace. I’ve been really creative out here.” She looked into the distance for a moment. “I know you don’t work for Hawkeye anymore. But it seems like a part of you. Like the biometrics and the panic room. Normal people don’t live like that.”

  “No?”

  “You mentioned the loneliness. Is there part of you that misses being an agent?”

  “I’ve chosen to live in the present. I told him to fuck off when he first approached me about this job.”

  She traced a bead of condensation as it wended its way down the side of her glass. “Then why am I here? Why did you change your mind?”

  “He showed me a picture of you.”

  She stilled.

  “There was no way I could say no.”

  “And why the name Operation Wildflower?”

  It’d been fanciful, maybe. But it fit. “Your eyes.” He took a drink of his merlot. “Reminded me of columbines. They were my grandmother’s favorite. I’d pick them for her, and she always pretended they were the greatest gift ever.”

  “My mom was the same with dandelions.” She grinned. “But when you think about it, it means we wanted to give them a gift, and when you have no money, what else do you do?”

  He liked the way she saw the world.

  The sun moved toward the horizon, and she shivered.

  “We can clean up here, then finish our wine near the firepit while we watch the sun set.”

  “That sounds perfect.”

  Within minutes, their chores were done, and they were back outside. He held a lighter to the kindling. It caught almost right away, and a soft crackle filled the air.

  He sat on one end of the couch, and she curled up at the other beneath a blanket he’d carried out for her.

  The first hint of orange brushed the high, wispy clouds.

  “It’s impossibly quiet out here.” She took a sip of her wine.

  “You’re happy in the city?”

  “To be honest, I’ve never really thought about it. It never occurred to me to move away from my parents. I went to college, got my own place, but my parents and the pub mean the world to me.”

  “The constant movement.”

  “It’s electric in a way, never silent. Kids playing. People coming and going at all hours—myself included. Parties. Even noise from televisions. But this…”

  “I’ve grown accustomed to it. You can hear the world in a whole new way. The birds. The wind in the trees.”

  “Horses neighing.”

  “You were watching.”

  “I couldn’t help myself.”

  It was an intimate confession, one he didn’t respond to, choosing instead to allow the time to unfurl as she wanted.

  “You had a rope on the saddle.”

  Jason hid his grin behind his glass. “I know how to use it.”

  As usual Waffle appeared from nowhere, leaping onto the couch, to land between them. She head-butted Jacob’s leg before plopping down to clean herself.

  “Where does she go?”

  “She patrols the property, and she has a pet door entrance into the garage. She has a bed, and when it gets cold, I have a heat lamp to keep her warm.” He stroked the feline’s head. “We haven’t had a single issue with mice or skunks since she took up residence. Even the raccoons seem to have packed up their babies and moved somewhere else.”

  “She earns her keep.”

  For a few minutes, Elissa watched as the sun sank behind Saddle Mountain. Then she faced him and took a deep breath. “Have you ever had a submissive?”

  Though the question didn’t surprise him, her directness did. “As in a twenty-four-seven relationship?” When she nodded, he answered. “No.” Guessing she was looking for a more detailed answer, he examined his own motivation, maybe for the first time. “My lifestyle has never been conducive to that kind of commitment. In the military, I was Special Forces, and I deployed a lot.” He shrugged. “Then after Peru—”

  “So you were there.”

  He didn’t acknowledge her statement. “I went to work for Hawkeye. Then when we nearly lost the ranch, I knew I needed to be here for my grandmother. She deserved that.”

  She propped a pillow behind herself, bringing her a little closer to him. “You’re a good man.”

  “I’ve done some things I’m not proud of. Bad things.”

  “All of us have regrets.”

  Some were easier to live with.

  The fire crackled and hissed, and the automatic outdoor lights turned on. They weren’t bright—rather they provided enough illumination to add ambience and safely maneuver around.

  He’d enjoyed the patio more since she arrived than he had in the past few years. Though she hadn’t been here long, she was already affecting his life.

  Last night, it had taken him over an hour to fall asleep. He’d told himself it was because he heard every one of Elissa’s movements and was concerned for her safety. But the truth was so much more.

  As a man, as a Dominant, he noticed everything about her—feminine curves, rumpled hair, feisty attitude, talent, loyalty to her family, even her unintentional submissive air.

  It’d been years since he had such an intense reaction to any woman. He’d taken a shower and jacked off while he was in there. Since that hadn’t helped much, he’d masturbated a second time. The rest he eventually managed to get was light and fitful.

  When he didn’t go on, she placed her glass on the wicker table. “So you’re not much for relationships?”

  He hadn’t been.

  When he didn’t respond, she went on. “I think they give our lives meaning.”

  Jacob had few friends, even fewer close ones. Maybe he was missing out.

  “Have you thought about kids? Having someone to pass the ranch down to?”

  “My grandparents want the land to stay in the family.” But managing the holdings was a hell of an obligation, and developers had offered a lot of money for the property.

  He could have a nice life somewhere else, debt free, with no responsibilities. Despite the temptation, he’d never been able to sign the papers. The work was meaningful, offering him satisfaction that couldn’t be bought. And he knew his forebearers had struggled and sacrificed. It didn’t seem right to turn his back.

  She wrapped the blanket a little tighter around herself, and he stood to toss another couple of logs on the fire.

  “What about you? As far as relationships?”

  For a moment, she studied the crackling fire, as if deciding how much to reveal. “My first paying commission as an artist was from a Dominant. And that was my introduction to the lifestyle. Before we got started, both he and his submissive gave me an education. We talked about their relationship. I guess the biggest surprise for me was that they each said they received more than they gave.”

  He sat back down, a little closer to her than earlier, and she didn’t scoot away.

  “I loved being around them. It seemed as if they had their own form of communication. There was a reverence to it that I’d never seen before.”

  While he hadn’t experienced anything like that, he, too, had witnessed it.

  “I wanted something similar and was naive enough to think it was automatically part of a committed D/s relationship. You know, as if something magical happens the moment you agree to wear a Dominant’s collar.” She tipped her head back and stared at the moon for a long time.

  Was she talking about one of her relationships? Despite an impatience that was uncustomary for him, Jacob remained silent, allowing her the space to sort through what she wanted to say.

  “His name was Robby.”

  “Go on.”

  She wiggled around until she was facing him. “I met him at the club, and a couple of months later, I moved in to his apartment.”

  Undoubtedly she’d left a lot out.

  “It was a mistake. Maybe my worst. He had rules about everything, and they changed continually. It got to the point I couldn�
�t do anything right, and I was in trouble all the time.” She looked away for a moment. “If I loved him, I’d try harder. Do better.”

  Anger flashed through him. She was special, to be protected and cared for. “Was it some sort of fucked-up punishment game with him?”

  “Not necessarily. He was an expert at giving me the silent treatment and withholding sex and affection. He’d sleep in the guest room. Most times, he wouldn’t tell me what I’d done wrong. He refused to attend my family’s Christmas gathering. When I asked, he told me I knew what I’d done wrong. To this day, I still don’t understand it.” She shook her head and gave a helpless shrug that knocked him in the solar plexus. “His coldness would go on until I begged for forgiveness. And he never immediately granted it. I’d have to earn it a bit at a time. Cooking him special meals, sexual favors.” She shifted, as if the confession had emotionally drained her. “I mean, that’s part of BDSM—well, of any relationship, really. Right?”

  “No.” He shook his head. “There’s a big difference. I get that no two relationships are the same, but there needs to be an agreement and reciprocity. Both partners need to get what they want. BDSM is not about one person’s selfish need to be in control. And vanilla relationships should be the same way.”

  “That’s what my mentors told me. It took an embarrassingly long time for me to really understand what was going on and to realize how to heal from it.” She looked away for a moment.

  When she refocused on him, she gave a small smile. “I guess that was my way of telling you that I don’t date and that I confine my interactions to scenes at the club. And I haven’t done that for a long time. Not since my dad got cancer, and I needed to take on more of their responsibilities at the pub.”

  He’d heard that from Hawkeye. But the pain that flitted through her eyes made Jacob’s gut clench. He had an unusual—not entirely unwelcome—compulsion to soothe her.

  Leaning forward, he reached for a wayward lock of her hair. “May I?”

  “Uhm…” She held his gaze even as she drew in a shallow breath. “Yes.”

  His knuckles brushed the softness of her cheek as he tucked the strand back into place. He lowered his hand without touching her again. Fuck. The need to have her was a physical ache.

  “Earlier, you said you were interested in pursuing me if I was willing.” Her voice was the barest whisper.

  He waited.

  “I’m willing.”

  Around them, the entire night became preternaturally silent. He heard the sound of his own heartbeat. His cock hardened. He’d never wanted anything more. “Tell me what you’re offering. Friendship? Sex? Or do you want to submit to me?”

  Heat seared Elissa’s lungs, and it was then she realized she was holding her breath.

  Admitting she was interested in him was one thing. Telling him what she really wanted was terrifying.

  At the club, the Doms were vetted. And she had been going there for so long that she knew most of them, at least by reputation. This, though, was entering uncharted territory. She trusted Jacob, but it had been so long since she’d been with someone new. Though attraction sizzled, she needed walls of protection around her vulnerabilities. “There would need to be rules, as well as a safe word.”

  He nodded, as she expected he would. “I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

  “I’ll go with red.” She appreciated that he kept distance between them while they negotiated, but it would be so much easier to have the conversation if she were in his arms.

  “And yellow for slow?”

  “Yes.”

  “And your limits?”

  “Because we haven’t played together, I want to go slow.”

  He offered a quick, disarming grin. “Rope?”

  Of course he’d remembered that from their earlier conversation. “Yes.”

  “Impact play?”

  “Nothing too hard, at least for now.” She shuddered, recalling a painful experience with Robby. “No canes or knife play, ever. Those are a hard limit. And nothing that would be permanent—I mean not that we’d have time for that, anyway.”

  “Agreed.” He nodded. “Anything else?”

  She shook her head. “If I’m gagged, I want to be sure I have a safe signal.”

  “Of course. As we discussed, safe, sane, consensual. I don’t play dangerously, and I’d never put you at risk.”

  While he hadn’t needed to say that, she was glad he had. It helped tamp down the tiny whispers of apprehension.

  “And sex?”

  Was she ready for that? The truth was, yes. She’d gone without a physical connection for so long that it consumed her. “As long as we use condoms.” Robby had been awful about that. He hated the things, and he’d start with one on because she insisted, but sometimes he’d take it off during intercourse. Because of that, she ended up going on the Pill so he couldn’t get her pregnant unless it was a joint decision.

  In retrospect, that she’d even made that decision should have given her a clue that the relationship was in trouble. When he discovered what she’d done, fury had consumed him. He’d left for three days, and when he returned, he refused to have sex with her. Instead, he insisted on her servicing him. His anger burned for more than a month.

  “And as for your rules?”

  “We need to agree this is a temporary arrangement. Like we’d have at a club. It doesn’t mean anything. When this is over, we’ll walk away and forget each other.”

  “Sorry, Elissa.” He shook his head. “I can’t agree to that.”

  She scooted as far away from him as possible.

  “You’re not some random woman I can fuck and forget.”

  At his raw crudeness, she flinched.

  “I’m sorry you’re offended. But that’s not how this works.” He took a breath. When he continued, his tone was low, but his words were measured and uncompromising. “You matter to me, and you have since the moment I saw your picture. I can’t dictate your emotions, and if you want to detach sex from your feelings, go ahead. But don’t expect the same from me.”

  The force of his reaction stunned her. The men she played with were happy to scene and then go back to their regular lives. She hadn’t expected him to be any different.

  “Those are my terms.” He paused to study her. “Now it’s up to you. Do you still want to play?”

  Chapter Five

  Fighting for equilibrium, Elissa took a breath. She’d never really had to negotiate in this way before. Generally she told a Dominant what her limits were and informed him of her safe words. That there wouldn’t be a relationship later was understood. At the end of the scene, they each went their own way.

  Until now, she’d never had to be concerned with what her Dominant wanted. She was now navigating unfamiliar territory. “Can we agree that whatever we share stays here? Let’s make no promises about what happens after this is over.” Why did that thought cause a pang of grief? “It doesn’t need to be complicated.”

  “Elissa, you were a complication before I met you.”

  She attempted a grin but then realized he wasn’t joking. “I don’t know what you want here.”

  “Every damn thing you have to offer. Hold nothing back. I want to hear your moans. Your whimpers. Your pleas. Your screams. And I fucking want to know I’m not some random Dominant who you’ll forget next week.”

  After swallowing the sudden lump in her throat, she told him the truth. “I think you know better. Believe me when I say you’re unforgettable.”

  “Good. Otherwise we’d be done here.”

  “We’re getting somewhere.” She exhaled a breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding. “So, can we at least agree that we’ll part ways without looking back?”

  “No.”

  “No?” She blinked.

  “I respect your need for rules, but this isn’t something I am flexible on. I’ll always be honest with you—that’s a promise. There will be no manipulation. But when the mission is over, if either of us want
to discuss the possibility of continuing a relationship, we should be allowed to.”

  Maybe he was braver than she was. She wasn’t sure she was ever capable of confessing her feelings like that. “But—”

  “Maybe neither of us will want it. But I don’t want to play guessing games with you. Can you at least attempt to be equally transparent with me? If you want me at the end of our time together, I need to hear it.”

  “I…” They were two different people from two different worlds who’d never chosen to be thrown together.

  “Try.”

  The level of transparency he demanded was unlike anything she’d ever experienced. And it was as scary as hell.

  “It’s not that difficult.”

  Elissa always waited for a man to express his desire for a relationship first. At a club, she was different because a scene there didn’t have the kind of meaning that one with Jacob would. “Terrifying.”

  “But you accept my terms.”

  Finally she nodded.

  His smile was her greatest reward.

  “And now… Would you like to submit to me?”

  “Yes.” Every part of her ached for what he offered. Without conscious thought she looked away, but then dug for courage. “I want you to dominate me, Jacob.”

  He placed his palms on the sides of her face and tipped her head back for a gentle kiss, one that conflicted with the untamed hunger burning in his eyes.

  “In that case, Elissa…” He stood and offered his hand.

  Her whole being trembled as she accepted, sliding her palm against his. The blanket tumbled to the ground as he drew her against him.

  “I’ll be worthy of your trust.”

  He released her to extinguish the fire and straighten the area, gathering their wineglasses.

  “Now, like a good submissive, I want you to precede me into the house.”