Underdog

by Matt Seeley

  I swear. I hold opinions. I express my opinions. Sometimes I swear while expressing opinions. I will make references to sex and/or violence and/or other mature/explicit content.

  The underlying theme in this poetry collection is as the title suggests; being the underdog, battling against the odds, rising above those that try to beat you down. Bullying, depression and suicide will be touched upon. All references to these topics are from, unless stated otherwise, my own personal experiences and the battles I have fought. Some poems may not end on a positive note. This does not mean I encourage or glorify bullying or suicide.

  I apologise in advance for any triggers.

  I do not apologise for any offence taken by the reader. That’s all on you, cupcake.

  Copyright © 2019 Matt Seeley

  All rights reserved.

  Acknowledgments

  First, as always, Shelia. The strongest, bravest, kindest, most inspiring person I have ever met, and ever will. She has fought, and won, battles I could never have imagined, and continues now to fight for those who are otherwise alone on the battlefield. I would likely not be here if it had not been for her, so for that she has my undying love and eternal thanks.

  Second, Zee. Her support and encouragement kept me going when suffering from the plagues of writer’s block and self-doubt. Her feedback throughout the process of writing this poetry collection, my first ‘themed’ effort, was so crucial and very much appreciated.

  Third, them crazy people on Twitter that have befriended, supported, encouraged or otherwise aided me since I joined.

  Fourth, me. Because if it were not for me then this poetry collection would never have existed. Yay me.

  And you, I guess, reading this. For paying for it and giving me your money. I assure you I will not be spending it wisely.

  Now shall we get this show on the road?

  Dedication

  I'd like to dedicate

  All I create

  To those who taught me

  How to hate

  For they deserve

  To be observed

  As part of what helped

  Make me great

  All their spite

  Taught me how to fight

  And be sure to never

  Prove them right

  The weights they stacked

  Nearly broke my back

  Nearly

  But not quite

  I'd often fall

  Try to crawl

  While wishing I could

  End it all

  But over time

  With help I climbed

  Back to my feet

  Now I stand tall

  And so I dedicate

  All I create

  To those who showed me

  Nothing but hate

  For the weights they stacked

  Upon my back

  Without them I'd never

  Be this great

  My World

  Welcome

  To my world

  My own little corner

  Of existence

  Far removed

  From the reality

  That society

  Would force you

  To accept

  In my world

  The only limits

  Are those you impose

  Upon yourself

  And what is possible

  Is dictated only

  By your imagination

  Underdog

  The odds may never be

  Weighted in my favour

  But that just gives victory

  A sweetness to be savoured

  I may be the underdog

  But I don't pay attention to the odds

  Breaking Out

  Breaking out of my shell

  Away from this hell

  I've been trapped in the darkness far too long

  But I'm out of my cage

  Starting a brand new page

  I feel alive, I feel free, I feel strong

  Breathe

  It’s alright if you cry

  Sometimes that’s what you need

  And don’t cover up your scars

  It’s okay if you bleed

  There’s no shame in falling

  If you get back to your feet

  There’s no such thing as failing

  If you have the will to succeed

  The sweetest fruit still grows

  In a field that’s full of weeds

  Just as the tallest tree can grow

  From the tiniest of seeds

  And as baby bird leaves the nest

  To float upon the breeze

  Anything is possible

  As long as you believe

  So remember what I told you

  And don’t forget to breathe

  Conman

  Why do I make promises

  I know I'll never keep

  And why do I only make them

  To myself?

  I swear I'll do better

  Try harder next time

  Con myself into thinking

  I'll get it right this time

  And when I don't I tell myself

  It's a victimless crime

  But the conman inside me

  Forgets the ones I care about

  Neglects the ones that count on me

  They're the ones I'm letting down

  But I can't seem to stop lying to myself

  Always kidding myself

  That I'll make a success of myself

  Key to Survival

  I take my coffee

  With a splash and milk

  And two sugars

  But when it's made

  By others

  They often forget

  To sweeten it

  And instead

  Serve it bitter and foul

  I used to complain

  But now

  I let it slide

  Enduring the bitterness

  On my tongue

  Until eventually

  I can't even taste it

  Oblivious to the foulness

  And that is how

  I have learnt to survive

  In this world

  If My Life Were a Movie

  If my life were a movie

  You wouldn't need an actor

  To play me;

  The writers would surely cut my character

  Before the film ever saw the light of day

  And I'd be just another discard

  With all life's other rejects

  On the cutting room floor

  Know Your Worth

  Know your worth

  Before allowing others

  To label you

  And stick a price

  On your forehead

  So that if they value you

  Less than you know

  Your worth to be

  You will know then

  That they are not worth

  Your time

  Just a Little Bit Broken

  You tell me that

  You’re broken

  As though

  It’s a reason

  For me not to love you

  And simply walk away

  But it’s never going to happen

  Like how I still drink my coffee

  Every morning from my favourite mug

  Despite the chipped rim

  And cracked handle

  Knowing that one day

  It will cut me

  And make me bleed

  But I just can’t throw it away

  Just like that

  I will never walk away

  From you

  Just because

  You’re a little bit

  Broken

  Not a Fighter

  "Float l
ike a butterfly,

  Sting like a bee"

  Not me

  I sting like a butterfly

  And float like a stone

  Sinking

  Sinking

  Forever alone

  In the cold, dark waters

  Emptiness

  Crushing me

  Loneliness

  Drowning me

  I'm a lover

  Not a fighter

  But not worth loving

  And with nothing to fight for

  So why even try

  Insomnia

  Recently

  Sleep and me

  Have been on very bad terms

  I spend the nights

  Wide awake

  Waiting for Sleep to come

  But it refuses to bring

  The paralysing comfort

  That I so desperately need

  And though it sometimes caves

  Giving me what I crave

  It cruelly plants the seeds

  Of the weirdest dreams

  So even when I rest

  It’s far from restful

  The Long Road

  The journey’s long

  But the day is young

  There’s much to see

  And much more to learn

  Don’t be afraid

  To lose your way

  To veer off course

  To go astray

  Take the road

  That no-one knows

  Where no-one goes

  And maps don’t show

  This journey’s yours

  So go explore

  Find what no-one

  Has ever found before

  Masks

  Masks

  Are fragile

  They are not armour

  They cannot shield us

  From the heavy blows

  Life rains down

  Upon us

  Masks

  Are disguises

  We wear to please

  Those who might see us

  And judge us

  If ever we don’t smile

  Masks

  Are lies

  We tell strangers

  We tell our friends

  We tell our families

  We tell ourselves

  My mask

  Grew heavy

  Suffocating

  So I tore it off

  Discarding

  The fragile smile

  Crying instead

  Resilient tears

  Never Give the Fuck Up

  People

  Throughout your life

  Will tell you

  That you are useless

  That you will never amount to anything

  To just quit now

  And save yourself the disappointment

  The embarrassment

  And there will be times

  YOU are the one

  Saying those words

  To YOURSELF

  But fuck them

  Fuck those naysayers

  Fuck the bullies

  Fuck the haters

  Fuck the voices

  Fuck your self-doubt

  Fuck the depression

  Fuck the anxiety

  And above all

  Never

  Ever

  Give

  The FUCK up

  You got this

  Say Goodbye

  Cunningly discarded promises

  Judgement

  Strangling out of spite

  Misguided love

  Torn and tainted

  Devious

  Vicious

  Say goodbye

  Written using predictive software and around 80% of all my previous writings

  Hope

  Artists of the disease

  We know the reality inside

  Fear is nothing but stories

  Printed in our waking minds

  Still it haunts us

  You

  Me

  Them

  The world is spinning

  Countless eyes stare back

  Hope is just another word

  For denial

  Another poem written using predictive software

  My Own Worst Enemy

  Again I am the instigator

  Of my own downfall

  I worked my way up to the top

  Just to hit self-destruct

  Why do I keep doing this?

  Why must I keep fucking with

  My own chances of success?

  I truly am my own worst enemy

  Wake-Up Call

  This is the wake-up call

  That I've been waiting for

  A kick up the backside

  To start assessing

  What needs addressing

  And face the problems

  I should've been solving

  Don't worry - I'm not changing

  I'm staying true to myself

  Just evolving

  Upgrading the software

  Keeping the system the same

  I'll still be me

  Just in less (and less of a) pain

  The Unwinnable Game

  Playing this game

  For what feels like forever

  But whatever I do

  I can't beat this level

  Stuck doing this quest

  For far too long

  I can't seem to progress

  What am I doing wrong?

  I need to unlock skills

  To start the next chapter

  But the only way to learn them

  Comes after

  Maybe I made a mistake

  Earlier on in the story

  Helping others players

  Instead of making money

  But I can't go back

  Or load a previous save

  I've got to keep on playing

  This game has made me its slave

  I wish I'd been able

  To buy the deluxe edition

  With everything needed

  To complete every mission

  But it's way too expensive

  Only the rich can afford

  To put in so little effort

  For maximum reward

  Caged

  Controlled and enslaved

  Like animals in a zoo

  Trapped in our cages

  There is little we can do

  Our cages are not physical

  But real nonetheless

  Bars made not of metal

  But of race and wealth and class

  They feed us lies and delusions

  To keep us all contained

  Freedom an illusion

  They pump into our brains

  Controlled and enslaved

  Like animals in a zoo

  Trapped in our cages

  There is but one thing we can do

  If we stand with our neighbours

  Ignore the false divides

  And if we all pull together

  We can bend the bars aside

  These cages will not hold us

  If we just reject the hate

  Let love unite us

  Let love liberate

  Against the Odds

  If this were a boxing match

  It would've been stopped long ago

  Every time I stand back up

  Life lands another blow

  Bantam versus heavyweight

  I never stood a chance

  Every hook and uppercut

  Hits me like an avalanche

  I try to keep my guard up

  Sometimes I land a jab or two

  But the blows keep raining down

  And there's nothing I can do

  I can't escape this beating

  In this ring there's no retreat

  Yet though I know I cannot win

  I won't just let myself be beat

  While there's times I think it best

  To let myself be counted out />
  For now I remain determined

  To make it through this bout

  The world would see me beaten

  Urging me to take a dive

  But the people in my corner

  Give me reason to survive

  Finding the Positives

  One of the many keys

  To my survival is finding

  The often elusive upside

  And each cloud's silver lining

  Always searching

  For a positive to take

  From every disaster

  From all my mistakes

  And every lesson I learn

  Is a chance to grow

  It's a victory to me

  No matter how hollow

  I'll admit it's not easy

  And often I fail

  But I'll keep on striving

  If it means surviving

  Gotta Keep On Going

  I’m under no illusion

  I suffer no delusion

  Life’s no fucking cakewalk at the best of times

  But I will not surrender

  I know it will get better

  No matter how tall the mountains I must climb

  And though the path grows steeper

  The shit I wade through ever deeper

  I keep hoping the end is almost in my sight